May 4, 1999 Day (1) "Would the family of Charles Fields please come to the ICU immediately, These were the words that started all me pain, my long nights, my days filled with tears. I stepped into the ICU to see you for what would be our last time as mother and son, until the day I hold you in my arms again in heaven. I am at your bed side caressing you sweet little head, filling you with kisses, you and I are locked eye to eye in a bonded moment, there are doctors and nurses all around you, talking and shouting orders. You and I do not hear them, we are focused on each other, I give you my little finger to hold, thinking it will take away the fear. You gentally squeeze it, and give me the widest grin I have ever seen on your sweet little face, and then you closed your eyes. I gave you one last kiss and told the doctors that I was going to go call your daddy because he should be here. I stepped out of the ICU to make that call then I heard over the intercom "code 188 ICU, code 188 ICU", Sammy I felt in my heart that it was you, but also deep inside I had hoped I was wrong. Its 1:50 p.m. on May 4th, 1999, Sammy, Dr Rosenthal just came out of the ICU area and said Mrs. Fields we need to talk. They took me to the very room that two weeks before we sat in a private conversation with him going over the details if you should happen to pass on. "Mrs. Fields, I am sorry to have to tell you this, but remember that talk we had two weeks ago, well its time we discuss everything over again, Sammy has just passed on". Oh my sweet angel, I fell into my pain, my heart felt torn into a thousand pieces, my joy shattered. I just kept saying over and over, no your wrong no your wrong, you don’t know what your talking about. Then I had I asked why, why they did this to you, why they didn’t listen the night before when I asked for a doctor when I could see something wasn’t right, why they didn’t get me earlier that morning, they knew I was upstairs letting family know about your condition getting worse. "WHY, WHY, WHY". Sammy, I will never know the whys or how, but someday, a court will help figure out the why’s and how’s and what went wrong that day and the night before. I hope in my heart sweet child, that you went with out pain. I ask my self every day and every night what you are doing in heaven, are you still a baby or are you a child or a grown up. The nurse brought you to me in a private room, and you looked so peaceful, just like you were asleep. I held you in my arms so long, I felt I could never let go, I long to hold you again, to tell you everything's alright. To tell you that FINALLY after so long of a battle the pain is gone. I sat holding your for about a good hour until your dad got to the hospital, he was on his way when the angels took you home. My two friends Tina, and Aneita stayed with me until your dad arrived, Tina held you for a few minutes but Aneita didn’t feel she could, she was to crippled with sadness and sorrow. Your poor dad walked in not even knowing what had happened to you, the tears started pouring down his face. He held you in his arms, and cried. He and I took turns back and forth holding you and cuddling you and loving you with so much love. Miss Tami and Miss Candi, showed up, cause I had called them and told them that you were taking a turn for the worst. Neither one of them had known you had passed on to the arms of Jesus. Miss. Tami held you for a little while and talked to you, and then Miss. Candi held you and talked to you for a little while. By then the chaplain and a few others from your dads work had shown up. The chaplain asked that Tami and Candi please leave us alone with you for a few minutes. That time alone spent with you was like time standing still. The room was so quiet, it was so weird like nothing I have ever felt before. Your grandmas Cheryl and Rachel have now shown up, and like your dad, they had no idea as to what they were walking into. We all stayed in that little room with you for about six hours, we waited until grandmas got there to bath and dress you and get more pictures. Your dad and I undressed you, and then he and I together gave you your last bath, and put lotion and baby powder on you, and dressed you in your first and last Easter outfit. The nurse helped us do the foot and hand molds, so I will forever have those to cherish. It is now time to give you up, and say goodbye forever, we have taken the last little bit of photos, and your wonderful nurse that stayed with us threw everything today, has come on our request to take you from our arms. I am giving you one last kiss and one last hug, one last look to cherish a life time. I walk for the last time out of that hospital that has been my home for the last five months of and on, the sky is so blue out side, the sun is shining, you must be smiling already. Its your way of saying everything is ok. We are driving down the freeway towards home, I am looking out my window and I see a rainbow, it is so beautiful, it must be gods way of telling me your safe, because it had not rained that day at all. I do not need to stay busy, I need to talk about my child. I need to talk about the good times, and the bad. I need to remember, and not to forget. I can not forget. I need to cry, I do not need to stay strong. I need to have you listen, and not to change the subject. I need you to support me, not to say that you understand.. I know you can not understand, unless you have lost a child. I need you to help me with things in life that are simple tasks. Cleaning, cooking, errands, babysitting.. I just need you to be there for me. I just need to talk about my child. Author Unknown May 5, 1999 Day (2) Dear Sammy, I am going back in time to write this, to write my pain out and to let the world see my pain. Last night I lay in bed so numb with grief, I feel so alone, I do not know where to turn. I wander what you are doing, what heavens like, do you have a lot of friends is the pain gone or is it still there. Sammy I loved you with so much love, you filled my life with so much joy. I wonder if you have met grandpa yet, you know he would have spoiled you here if he would have been alive, he must be spoiling you in heaven. Don't ask the sun to always shine. It can't, the clouds exist. Don't ask the leaves not to fall. It can't, the wind exists. Don't ask me to forget my child... I can't, because he did exist..and he will always be apart of me. May 6, 1999 Day (3) Dear Sammy, tonight is your dads and mine 4th anniversary, it has been four long years, and I am sure there are many years to come. I wish so much you could be here to celebrate with us. We aren't doing much in the line of celebration, we went to dinner, but both of us didn’t feel like eating. We just sat and stared at one another. We miss you so much, the pain is so unbearable. Your aunt Sarah and I went to Portland today to find your outfit for burial, we got lost. But finally found the store that had what I was looking for, I found a beautiful Christening gown that will look lovely on you. Aunt Tracy went with daddy to Ft Lewis to fill out the remainder of the paper work for our grant to cover the funeral expenses. Figures the military would separate us on the day we need so much to be together. Those Who Graced Earth and Heaven Their wings grace the sky In a ballet of memories As tears become snowflakes In glorious patterns, And the hands that held them So close, let them soar. Look to the skies, where, in the infinite Palate of sunset, they fly, And remember the names of those Who graced the earth and heaven. Author Unknown May 7, 1999 Day (4) Today we are at your viewing, I have decided to let your big brother and sister partake in this event, they need to say there good-byes just as everyone else has. At first your brother didn’t know what to think about everything, he came up to me and ask "mom why is Sammy in that box". I sat him down and said, "Zachery remember mommy talked to you last night and told you that Sammy had to go play in the cloudes with the angels, Sammy is a angel now, with no more pain and no more suffering". It took awhile for this to sink in, he stood by you, looking so brave and so strong, I think I would have lost it, if it wasn’t for his braveness. Your sister though, started to cry, she looked at you knowing that babies are supposed to making noises and laughing and cooing, and you weren't doing that. She kept asking whats wrong with my baby, mommy whats wrong with my baby. How do you explain to a two year old that her baby brother has died and wont be coming home ever again. I walked the road of sorrow. A road so dark with care, so lonely, I was certain that no one else was there. But suddenly around me, were beams of light, stretched wide; and then I saw that someone was walking by my side. And when I turned to notice the road which I had trod, I saw two sets of footprints. My own...and those of God. May 8, 1999 Day (5) Today is the day we bury you my sweet one, I am entering the church, it takes me back 7 years ago to when your grandpa Tom died. So many faces looking at me, some people have there heads down. This is the first time many of my family has seen me since your death. I feel as though time has stood still, I look ahead and see your heavenly crib at the front of the church, there are flowers and balloons all around, a teddy bear rest on your heavenly crib. I sit down in the front row, I can almost reach out and touch you, feel you, but I know I cant, I know its not possible. Pastor Marv gets up and talks about you, about your short life, the lives of those around us that you have touched. Then they play the song that your dad and I requested it is called "Angel" by Sarah McGloughland. Then they had people go up and tell about how you changed there life, the joy your brought them, the happiness in there life. Your grandma Cheryl got up and talked about Jesus and you, and about lessons in life, I think she floored the whole congregation with her sermon, because at the end some of them wanted to shout "preach it sister" but they contained them selves being it was a funeral. Then we sang Jesus Loves You, your grandma Cheryl requested this. At the of the church ceremony they opened your heavenly crib, one by one the congregation went up to say there good byes and to comfort us. I just sat staring straight ahead the same as I had done when your grandpa Tom died 7 years earlier, something about seeing you up there so still and lifeless, it brought back so many memories, so many tears. It is finally our turn to say goodbye, this will be the last time I ever see your little sweet face, you look so content, the pain is all gone, the suffering no more. I placed beside you our first and only family photo ever taken of all of us, I left your best friend "your binkie" with you, man how you sucked on that thing like there was no tomorrow. From your brother and sister we gave you a little squeak bug toy, and a rattle bug. Grandma left you "a yellow rose, which symbolizes the rose of Sharon" and your aunt Angie wrote you a letter to take you home. They now say its time we go, we are heading to the grave side, I wish I could hold you one last time, to smell you, to feel you in my arms, to love you the way a mother loves her son. They close your heavenly crib, and your dads Sgt. came forward to carry you out of the church, I stand there as they carry you out, they have some one in the background singing, Rock "a" Bye Baby, we are now out side, they are putting you in the van, I watch as they close the door. We are now at the cemetery, you were placed at our feet, and everyone else is standing around us. We start to sing, "you are my sunshine" except we have changed the wording to "You were our sunshine, our only sunshine, you made us happy, when skies were gray, you ll never know dear, how much we loved you so please don't take, our sunshine away" "The other night dear, as we lay sleeping, we dreamt we held you in our arms, when we awoke dear we were mistaken, so we hung our head and cried." It is now the end of the ceremony, your grandmas, and your dad and I stood up and released four balloons to the heavens for you, it was like letting you go, saying good bye forever as I let that balloon go, letting your spirit soar so high. Goodbye, Samuel, goodbye my sweet love, goodbye my dreams, goodbye my hopes and wishes......................Till we meet in heaven................Love Mommy Stars Perhaps, they are not stars But rather openings in Heaven, Where the love of our lost ones Pours down through and shines upon us To let us know they are happy. -Inspired by Eskimo Legend May 9, 1999 Day (6) Today is mothers day you should be here with me, I should have all of my babies to celebrate with me. If I didn't have your brother and sister I would vow to never celebrate mothers day again. But I do it for them, but in my heart I am torn, I ache to hold you in my arms. To smell you, to love you, to hold you. In life some people take for granted what they have, some later wish they had just one more day and those that dont will never know what they are missing out on in life until its to late. I wish we had more time together, more time to bond, to really get to know one another as mother and son, but some day when I meet you in heaven I will get to see your shining smile once again to see the laughter in your eyes the joy in your heart. Even though you are so far I can dream of where you are. When I look up to the sky I can see into your eyes, I will stare off into space, And then I'll see your face! It's never goodbye, I'm not good at those. I'll see you soon, Angel, In the world unknown Anonymous December 12, 2003 Dearest Samuel, Its been five years now since I brought you into this world, and four years since you left me to go to a much better place. I promised myself this year, I would let you go, I am so sorry love that I have yet to get your head stone, as soon as mommy can I will finish the payment and make sure its placed, hopefully by your fifth heavens anniversary I can it for you. Its so beautiful, I know you will love it. Samuel its been hard on me love these last few years but I know I must move on, and release you. Heaven gained an angel when you went home. On earth you would be in so much pain, and in tears so much, I do not want that for you, it saddens me to know I will have to wait a life time to hold you again, but in the same moment I smile knowing you are doing so much more in heaven then you would be doing here on earth. As much as I miss you when the sky turns to dark, and I sit and have time to think and wonder, I am so glad the angels chose you my precious one. Remember me, as I will remember you, for you are not gone forver, in time our hearts will meet up again, and we will be hand in hand, but for now, ill hold you close to my heart till the end. Love you always, my sweet precious baby boy Samuel. Go and run free with the angels, Dance around the golden clouds, For the Lord has chosen you to be with him, and we should feel nothing but proud. Even though He has taken you from us, and our pain a lifetime will last. Your memory will never escape us, But make us glad for the time we did have. Your smiles will be forever hidden deep inside our hearts, And each moment you gave us never will depart. So go and run free with the angels, As they smile so tenderly, And please be sure to tell them to take good care of you... For me. Author Unknown WARNING: STEALING OF THE GRAPHICS OFF THIS WEB SITE IS STRICTLY PROHIBITED. ANGELHEARTSCREATIONS IS THE DESIGNER OF THESE GRAPHICS AND I CONSTANCE FIELDS PURCHASED THE ENTIRE SET FROM ANGELHEARTCREATIONS.