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"The Heart Surgeon & The Motorcycle Mechanic"
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a motorcycle when he spotted a well known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?"  The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.  The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine.  I open its heart, take valve out, fix 'em, put 'em back in and when I finish it works just like new.  So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks when you and I are basically doing the same work?"  The surgeon paused, smiled, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic....."Try doing it with the engine running!"
"Too Little, Too Late"
A guy is at the Pearly Gates hoping to get admitted, St. Peter says to the guy, "I can't see anything good that you have done in your life, nor can I see aniything bad either.  I'll tell you what, if you can tell me one really good deed that you have done, I'll let you in."  So the guys replies, "One I was driving down the road and saw a biker gang assaulting this poor little girl.  I pulled over, got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron and walked straight up to the gang's leader.....he was a huge ugly guy with a studded leather jacket, a bald head but he had hair all over his body and a chain running from his nose to his ear."  "Undaunted, I ripped the chain out of his nose and ear then I smashed him over the head with the tire iron.  I then turned around, wielding my tire iron and yelled to the rest of the bikers 'You leave this poor innocent lady alone!  You're all a bunch of sick and deranged animals!  Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!"  Impressed, St. Peter says, "Really? I can't seem to find this in your file, when did this happen?"  The guy replies "Oh, about two minutes ago."
"Arthur Davidson In Heaven"
Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation died and went to Heaven.  At the gates, St. Peter informed Arther, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven."  Arthur thought for a minute and said, "I want to hang out with God."  St. Peter immediately took Arthur to the throne room and introduced him to God.  Arthur asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"  God said, "Oh, yes."  "Well" said Arthur, "Professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention.  (1) There is too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.  (2) It chatters constantly at hight speeds.  (3) Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.  (4) The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust, and finally,  (5) The maintenance costs are outrageious."  "Hummmm, you may have some good points there" replied God, "Hold on."  God leans over to his Super Computer, typed in a few words, waited for the results.  The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.  "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed" God said to Arthur, "But according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."
"The Lonely Widow"
A biker stops by the local Harley shop to have his bike repaired; discovering that the bike would take some time for repair he decided to walk home since he didn't live to far away.  On the way home, he stopped as the local hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil, shortly after he stopped by the livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.  Struggling outside the store with his purchases he was trying to figure out how to carry everything home.  Scratching his head, a little old lady approached him and said "I'm lost, can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The biker replied "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane, I will walk you home, but I can't carry all this stuff."  The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in the other hand?"  "Why thank you very much" he said and they proceeded to walk home.  On the way, the biker says "Let's take my shortcut down this ally, we'll be there in no time."  The little old lady looked him over cautiously and said, "I'm a lonely widow without a husband to defend me, how do I know that you won't hold me up against the ally wall, pull up my skirt and ravish me?"  The biker said, "Holy smokes lady, I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens and a goose, how in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"  The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens."
"Best Friend"
A Biker walks into a bar, takes a seat at the bar and growls, "Bartender! Get me a drink!"  The bartender obliges and the biker scrarfs down the drink, slams the glass down on the bar and then growls; "Bartender! Get me another!"  The bartender pours him another drink.  After a few more rounds the bartender attempts some conversation; "Sir, it seems that you're visibly upset, what's the problem?"  The biker looks at him and snorts; "I just went home and caught my ol' lady screwing my best friend!"  "Oh man" replies the bartender, "That's rough....what did you do?"  The biker replied, "Well, I grabbed her by her hair, threw her out naked, tosses her clothes out after her and told her to never, ever come back!"  "Wow," sayd the bartender in awe, "That's tough man, what did you do to your friend?"  "Well", says the biker, "I marched straight back upstairs, grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and then said BAD DOG!"
"The Jacket"
Two guys were out riding one cool, windy afternoon, one of the guys kept complaining that the cold air was blowing into his shirt.  His buddy told him to turn his jacket around and his collar would then block the cold air from going down his shirt.  He immediately reversed his jacket and off they rode.  After riding for a while the two men came up on a curve while riding too fast, both lost control and crashed.  Witnesses called 911 and rushed to the bikers aid.  When police arrived they observed the scene and then questioned the witnesses.  The officer asked "Were both mean deceased when you arrived at the scene?"  "No" the man replied; "The one man was still alive, but by the time we got his head turned around to where it was supposed to be, he was dead!"
"The Happy Mailman"
It was George the Mailman's last day on the job, after 35 years of carrying the mail through all types of weather through the same neighborhood.  When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greated by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.  At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.  The folks at the third house handed him a selection of fishing lures.  At the fourst house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.  She grabbed him by the hand, led him through the door, closed the door behind him, let him upstairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind iwth the most passionate love session he had ever experienced.  When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast; eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles and fresh-squeezed orange juice.  When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.  As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.  "All this was just too wonderful for words" he said, "But what's the dollar for?"  "Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you.  I asked him what to give you and he said 'Screw him, give him a dollar."
A police officer pulled over two Nuns riding on a motorcycle and said to the driver, "Ma'am, you're driving was too slow, could you please drive faster?"  The Nun replied "Oh, I saw the sign with the 25 and assumed the speed limit was 25 mph".  The officer explained "No Ma'am, the speed limit is 60, the highway number is 25."  The officer looked at the passenger and noticed the other Nun shaking like a leaf.  "Excuse me sisteer, but wha'ts wrong with your passenger?'  The Nun replied "Oh, it's probably because we just got off of Highway 153."
"Stopped For Speeding"
A rookie police officer pulled over a biker for speeding and had the following exchange:  Officer: May I see your driver's license?  Biker: I don't have one, I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.  Officer: May I see the vehicle registration?  Biker: It's not my bike, I stole it.  Officer: This motorcycle is stolen?  Biker: That's right, but come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.  Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?  Biker:  Yes sir, that's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.  "Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?  Biker: Yes sir.  Hearing this the rookie officer immediately called his captain.  The biker was quickly surrounded by police and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation.  Captain:  Sir, can I see your license?  Biker: Sure, here it is, it's valid.  Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?  Biker: It's mine, here's the registration.  Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?  Biker: Yes sir, but there's no gun in it.  Sure enough, the tool bag was empty.  Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags?  I was told you said there's drugs in them.  Biker:: No problem.  The saddle bags were opened, no drugs present.  Captain: I don't understand it.  The officer who stopped you said that you told him you didn't have a license, you stole this bike, had a gun in the tool bad and there were drugs in the saddle bags.  Biker:  Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.
"The Gynecologist"
A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided that he needed a career change.  He'd always enjoyed tinkering with motorcycle so he decided he'd become a motorcycle mechanic.  The doctor headed to the American Institute of Motorcycling, the best motorcycle mechanics school in the country and completed the training class.  The final exam was to strip a bike enine completely and reassemble it back into perfect working order.  So our gynecologist friend completed the test and anxiously awaited the results.  A few days later he received the results and was very surprised to discover he got 150%.  He quickly phones the instructor and queried the mark.  The instructor said, "No, no that's right....I gave you 50% for stripping down the engine, a very thorough job might I add, next I gave you 50% for reassembling it, a fantastic performance and then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the muffler."
"The Little Old Lady"
A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club.  One day she goes up and knocks on the door.  A big, hairy beared biker with tattoos all over his arms answers.  She proclaims, "I want to join your club."  The guy was amused and says "You need to meet certain biker requirements in order to join." then asks "Do you have a motorcycle?" The lady replies, "Yep, my bike's parked over there" as she points to a Harley in the driveway.  The biker asks, "Do you drink?"  The lady replies, "Yep, drink like a fish.  I'll drink any man in your club under the table."  The biker asks "Do you smoke?"  The lady replied, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs per day.  I'm shooting pool."  Impressed, the biker asks "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"  The old lady thinks for a minute and replies, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."
"Why Motorcycles Are Better Than Women"
• Your motorcycle doesn't get upset when you forget it's birthday.
• You don't have to talk to your motorcycle after you ride it.
• You can choke your motorcycle.
• Your motorcycle doesn't get mad when you ignore it for a month or so.
• Motorcycles don't get jealous if you come home with grease under your fingernails.
• Motorcycles don't snore.
• Your motorcycle won't wake you up at 3:00 AM and ask you if you love it.
• Your motorcycle won't leave you for another rider.
• You don't have to pay child support / alimony to an ex-motorcycle.
• If you say bad things to your Motorcycles, you don't have to apologize before you can ride it again.
• If your Motorcycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
• If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it.
• If your Motorcycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it.
• If your Motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
• If your Motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks.
• If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
• If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.
• It's always OK to use tie downs on your Motorcycle.
• Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride.
• Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden.
• Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have.
• Motorcycles don't care if you are late.
• Motorcycles don't get pregnant.
• Motorcycles don't have parents.
• Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a bad rider.
• Motorcycles don't mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy Motorcycle magazines.
• Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
• Motorcycles last longer.
• Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2,000 miles.
• Motorcycles' curves never sag.
• New Motorcycles must be asked for, and if you don't want to pay for them, you don't get them.
• When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time.
• You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up.
• You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.
• You can ride a Motorcycle any time of the month.
• You can share your Motorcycle with your friends.
• You can't get diseases from a Motorcycle you don't know very well.
• You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle.
• You don't have to convince your Motorcycle that you're a motorcyclist and that you think that • Motorcycles are equals.
• You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your Motorcycle.
• You don't have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle.
• You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle when the old one is worn.
• Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other Motorcycles.
• Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Motorcycle after you dump it.
• Your Motorcycle doesn't car what you're wearing when you take it out.
• Wearing two fresh rubbers makes riding a bike MORE enjoyable.
• The rashes you get from motorcycles go away without those painful IM Penicillin shots.
• One gets in no trouble for storing disassembled pieces of the motorcycle in the basement.
• Disassembling the motorcycle is done out of pleasure rather than need.
• Motorcycles always sound pleasant.
• Unlike women FAT motorcycles aren't cheap dates.