My very first decade was simply survival. Second was flunking an attempt at my first adolescence. Third (in my twenties) caught me cocooning in womb warmth wrapped tightly in the chains that I had wrapped myself in and finding that perhaps they were a little too tight and wondering if indeed, there might be a better way and would I have the courage to risk finding it? My fourth decade came forth with an energized femininity that astounded even my own nearly dormant hormones.

Yes, I did have the courage to find a better way. It seems all the while I was seeking this better way, I was professing agnosticism. In fact, I was so obnoxious about it, I called myself "obnostic." In retrospect...I like to define "obnostic/agnostic" as this woman searching for God with an open mind. During this period of time, I had the stirrings of a supra-conscious that was available to me on the unconscious level. The decade encompassing my forties found me in my first successful adolescence; found me in a divorce court 7 ½ years; found me at Webster College, where I acquired a BA; and UMo of St Louis where I received 2 MEds in Counseling and Special Education; found me with my first job at age 47; found me blossoming as a butterfly, coming into my own…I was a classic of the cliché "life begins at 40." The decade (between 50-60) found me on a spiritual spiral and I feel it was being influenced tremendously by my spiritual partner, also known as the person in my life with the Dis-ease of Alcoholism.

At age 21, I was married to someone of an austere nature...I didn't know that as I was born in 1927...age of the Great Depression. At age 47 it was over. This man could be referred to as a "moneyholic." When I did come to the age of awakening, opening one eye wide enough to peek and liking it enough to squint the other one safely, and quit denying that indeed, I was not exercising any of my rights, my first exercise was to become aware that I was truly born liberated and to try to act on that freedom that would enhance my femininity. I did. I made many successful changes every time that I was willing to risk and to be honest with me. That person who had been in my life could or would not adjust so swiftly…still I saw no real reason to be what I had allowed myself to be for him if the relationship had no common or mutual ground.

There were 12 easy steps that I kept sight of:

1) Awareness
2) Courage
3) Self-Esteem
4) Risk
5) Sense of Worthiness
6) Respect for Self and others
7) Continued Awareness
8) Continued Growth
9) Continued discarding unnecessary behaviors
10) Joyously replacing necessary behaviors
11) Continued successful Assertiveness
12) Continued necessary Risking.

At 50, when I met my present spouse, he had met his match! Not only that, in 1977, my sister sent me the set of A COURSE IN MIRACLES, (the 3 books are now in one.) Never put them down. Up to this time my bibles were Richard Bach's "Jonathan Livingston Seagull" and Victor Frankl's "Man's Search For Meanings."

I met him head on with honesty, forthrightness, and confidence. I didn't have what is known as shallow affairs…If an affair wasn't to be, "it" just wasn't.

I tended to have a knack for intuitiveness. I'd risk and go on that risk…just go for it! Each risk was me flirting, flitting, fluttering, and soaring around until I had learned the lessons that He would have me learn in that decade. I traveled to Europe and South America, flew around the United States with an architect consultant for four years…(My dreamaholic.) I knew the Medical Director of a Narcotics Unit in a hospital about the same length of time. (My real alcoholic.) Most of the time I traveled the fastlane…I'm sure now, that I feared slowing down…(I might just feel the pain.) My soulmate had unwrapped the stars that lit up my skies! I still feel and move on a little slower star.

I learned that I was involved with my spouse' alcoholism when I realized that I was letting it affect me. There appeared to be a mutual emotional investment in our relationship which was de-enhanced by the Vodka bottle. Our splitting up was often ineffectual…yet I tried. Let me say up front, that he was very kind, gentle, generous, honest, affectionate, compassionate, etc. My daughters saw no blemish in him...they were ages 17 and 28. Never violent nor brutal...We tied our knot after 7 years of togetherness. (I wanted to be sure. LOL)

I was finally able to successfully explain to my spouse that my life with some one with the Disease of Alcoholism that was not in recovery was not what I had yearned to do with my life in my struggle to become uncocooned.

I said, "I will not be a part of your drinking; I want to treasure what I have strived to be; Therefore, I do not wish to be with you when you are drinking; I do not wish to be manipulated as that will only destroy what we do have; If indeed we have nothing…we have nothing to destroy; I will be responsible for my awareness of what alcoholism could do to me; If I ever falter, and your successful with your manipulations… I will only become more adept at being more aware and definitely move on.."

Yes, his dis-ease was on the scene when we met. But I thought I knew it all regarding alcoholism. After all, I was experienced at knowing an alcoholic. It didn't occur to me that this potential spouse had the "Big Dis-ease." The way in which it had became apparent to me was that "things" were not congruent about our lives.

I started to Alanon;
Gleaned information;
Found support for me;
Was angry;
Grieved;
Slid around on my "obnostic" bottom;
Found God;
Listened, learned, hurt, and began to laugh.

I learned in Alanon not to touch his drinks; not to be concerned with him stopping; that I did not start his drinking and I could not stop his drinking; but that I could function right well within the relationship if I would continue taking care of me.

Yes, I offered to change...and change I did. Not for him. Me.
The changes that I was willing to make would only enhance our relationship... if the relationship were worthy of enhancement. I would change of my own necessity; that I would make these changes if he had contacted any other type of die-ease. I did change. I told him that my new changes would be throwing monkey wrenches in his drinking as I would no longer drink with him; that he may want to consider trying to quit; that many of the spouses in AA had quit; and some more than once; and as I told him, this I reiterated that I was not asking him to quit.

Another aspect of this dis-ease was: that I often had to change my plans due to his drinking. My plans found me continuing on alone and his found him alone with his Vodka. I would not become hostage to his empty bottle.

I really regretted being in this relationship. This is so funny! I felt like my whole life had been too perfect to get stuck with this kind of a blemish. After all, LOL, when I first went into Alanon...LOL I had perfect parents, perfect siblings, perfect social life, perfect marriage, IE., until I learned that I did this to me. LOL...perfect kids, perfect alibis, perfect denial system set up whereby I'd never need to look in at me. (As for that perfect marriage, I was equally at fault, in that I was too dependent and too passive...This made me a no person.)

I didn't mind going to Alanon;
I didn't mind learning it was a Disease;
I didn't mind knowing that I didn't cause it, or, could arrest it. I didn't mind knowing about all the others who got caught in this same situation... And that they were all surviving; (even if "mine" and "theirs" continued to drink;) continued to bury the angers and resentments; even if he continued to display his self pity and to blame others; continued to be very critical and judgmental; and, even if he quit drinking; and... stopped more than once or twice...and more.

Sometimes this Disease can take its toil rather drastically on the partner... Especially when the partner, (me) relapsed and failed to continue with Alanon and grew lax. I was like one who had become independent: but in the business of dependency...which I would call "soul sickness." I worked with clients (adolescent alcohol and drug addicted) as dependents and had co-dependents as associates...I needed the Alanon program at this time more than I had realized and I had began to slip deeper into this "soul sickness."

The Alanon program got me back on track, as well as I studied ACIM quite intensely. In ACIM I learned about ""projection""...I had the greatest teacher, him...I learned that an attack is a call for love. All of his criticisms/attacks were obviously about him...My biggest job in this affair, was me extending love at an attack. I got real good at it. When I connected to the right expressions of love, he got the cutest grin across his face. This ACIM exercise was fun, because I could stay so distanced from his "stuff." I didn't get caught up in his self-pity or blame...It just wasn't my stuff, besides how high, or low, would my pedestal have to be for me to either feel sorrow for him or for me? My goal was to become a compassionate person. The 12-Steps taught me that "his stuff" was just his nervous system clicking in demanding something of him where he felt less-than, or not worthy. This was not a constant barrage of behavior. But when it happened, I was there for me. I simply stayed out of it. Let me reiterate, I could never ever have had a better teacher! And I had to have been a willing learner. As most of you know, I teach communication skills to those who need them.. No one out there has any problems if they have the skills. And BTW, I love working with the men who batter.

Thanks to support groups that are ever so easy to love. A support group comes built into my own subconscious and built into my life line to "soul wellness." I think that the greatest aspect that this person in this setting can do...is to see the "problem" as a "project" and be willing to undertake this part of the Disease as a life long project and see it through to the end as one would in any other crippling die-ease...or get out.

I regretted getting involved with an Alcoholic. Before this "soulmate" I did not want any awareness of God or any thing spiritual...The 12- Step softened this up. Then I became aware that my Creator had led me, guided me, every where he wanted me to be. And where I am now is where He wanted me to be. Within this Disease I have learned that I am as God created me and that I am God's best friend. I have continued to be a constant student of ACIM...always co-relating it to the 12-Steps of Alcoholism. My sponsor in ACIM is Holy Spirit.

Addendum–

The above was written in the decade of my age 50 - 60.

Yes, my beloved went into recovery of the Disease of Alcoholism before we tied our knot. As the years flew by, our relationship grew deeper and deeper. He retired at his age of 60...me at 55. I tried retiring a few times. We traveled. We spent winters with the "snow birds" in Gulf Shores, AL. We went into the decade of 60 - 70 with great eagerness and high hopes. We had it all!

He died before I was 61. The rest of this decade I lived as a widow, and still am. I got active in a social life, tennis, Grand Children, computers, writing, poetry, continued my studies/teaching in ACIM. I am into my 70s and do not know how to slow down, still social, still tennis, still play with my Grand Children, next big trip for me is a Spanish cruise in April ...and I have not learned how to act old.

The End.....
in peace and love...rell

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