6/15/99
Well, I checked with our lawyers and they said trying to fight legal action concerning the name Heaters would be long, expensive and pointless. Which was interesting, considering that's the name of their law firm. Anyway, I feel the way to go here is Hired Goons. We send some muscle to North Carolina and settle up with either the e-mailer or her buddies, the band. It saves time, money and garners some satisfaction in the knowledge that somebody becomes afflicted with rubber hose poisoning. A common ailment caught from goons...
- The Rooster
6/2/99
Jesus H. Christ!!! What kind of introduction page are you sending our fans to?!! The Heaters name invoked, followed by bold headlines in some Godforsaken gibberish that, besides having nothing to do with music or live entertainment, sounds like some kind of foreign government code shit that is probably linked to the gooks who have been stealing our nuclear secrets!! Are you nuts?!! It's bad enough you're always abusing the rubes that hire us in that Heaters "Please Don t Mind Our Disdain For Your Pitiful/Wealthy/Beneath Our Intelectual Plane" Journal, now you have to make it look like we're not even the Capitalists we aspire to be!! It's obvious, especially now that you've turned to Bill Gates and the Dark Side that we need someone with more focus to run the band web site. Some one who still wants to rock and roll all night and party every day, and not someone who wants to tack on the need to arreter toute uttilation en cas d'eruption, de rougeeur, de rougeur ou de demangealson. I have contacted that guy who is promising the Swing Set site, and his message machine and e-mail promises to get back to me as soon as the Star Wars movie has been "...sufficiently observed, annotated and commented upon.." at his own web site, www.vrgn4life.com.
Speaking of which, I saw The Phantom Menace today and enjoyed it. Not immensely, but enough to anticipate the next. I thought it had its moments, and that humorous creature Ja Jar something was a real hoot, but I was upset that Lime Nelson had to die, and not that Ewen MacDonald guy. I know he's Obe Wan, but I will always see him as that junkie fellow in Trainspitting.
And that little boy, I must admit, doesn't resemble James Earl Jones by any stretch of science fiction. I will have a hard time accepting him as Darth Vader, unless we actually see him have sex with that chick that played the queen. And as for Samuel L. Jackson, the wife and I got into quite a tiff, as I didn't recognize him without a Kangol beret. I swore it was Denzel Washington. Was my face white! May the Farce be with you....
Obi Kan Rooster
4/29/99
I'm THIS close to getting on the internet for a decent rhyme for Kosovo. Let's face it, if we're ever gonna take advantage of a current event (see McGwire, Swing Set/Fairchild ), then we've got to get this thing recorded before Clinton does something stupid like bailing on the Balkans.
Hey, that's got a nice jaunt to it... Bailing on the Balkans, Cruising on Kosovo, running out of countries to drop 'em on and blow... Well, you get the idea. It needs more work, but that's the point!
How is the Esperanto opera coming? I suppose there isn't as much of a hurry there, considering the Esperanto crowd isn't going anywhere, physically or socially. Maybe opera is too high brow anyway. Just because they're the Trekkies of language doesn't make them smart. Perhaps, country Esperanto? Does "Achey Breaky" translate well?
The Rooster
(Editor's note: "Dolorema Rompighema..." No, I think not.)
3/7/99
A fan asks the Rooster...
I'd like to know who had the bright idea of arming gorillas. With all the bloodshed in Kosovo and Serbia and countless other countries, who in their right mind thought arming apes was a good idea?
-Concerned
He replies...
This situation can be traced to the discovery of Tarzan. When the Great White Hunters stumbled upon the ape man in the early 20's, they inadvertently introduced weaponry to Tarzan's posse. Gorillas happen to be the most curious and prone to theft of the great apes. Once they got their paws on a couple of loaded carbines, it didn't take long for a little payback.
(For a more specific study, see the first two Planet of the Apes. )
As time went by and apes also learned about public transportion, gun play spread across the continent and the rest is history.
2/7/99
The very idea of us rehearsing is bizarre enough, but working up the Crosby, Stills & Nash tune got me thinking. There's three of us, and we got harmony to spare compared to most local groups, and at least two of us could pass as hippie burn-outs, and there isn't a CS&N knock-off currently on the circuit, so we could...wait. The peyote just came to a rather abrupt halt. Never mind. Smoke 'em if you got 'em.
T.R.
1/30/99
This thumbs up thing is taking on a life of its own. Fairview Heights, Clayton, downtown. I think we may have something. Let's start with those big, foam rubber hands that usually denote "We're number 1". We turn them into a big "thumbs up" and bingo! Meet Mr. cash cow. (Or Mrs., I'm a little shakey there.) Heaterheads start showing up flashing huge thumbs and profits soar. Plus, we make the things so big that it helps fill up the room and we look way more popular than we are. I'll get production up and rolling and it will be thumbs up to the sadly depleted retirement fund in no time.
El Rooster
1/26/99
Jesus (and I mean Him literally), I've been trying to log on here since Monday Nite Nitro and RAW and WAR was over. (Loyal readers note: Dan has no idea what that means.) Bottom line, the Pope has taken over the Net for the next 48 hours. Anything not connected to the Pontiff is blowing up like the late Totie Fields. Which is to my point. Our last discussion concerning our blatant attempt at a Pope song (see Fairchild, McGwire ), failed to nail down what rhymes were too obvious and the ones that squeaked by our close enough criteria.
I believe dope, rope and soap were all considered iffy. The judicial use of mope, revoke and toke could be invoked, but only if we left out rope-a-dope. Plus, that's a whole 'nother tub o' litigation.
I still think the reference to the Pink Sisters was a nice chorus, until Rich came up with that collector's series of videos, The Pink Sisters Do (Insert Your City Here).
This leaves us with no turn-around and, certainly, no hook. As I suspected, all my calls to my former seminarians were met with death notices, as I am the only living member of the class of St. Louis Preparatory Seminary - North, class of '71. That was around the New Vatican upheavel and...I can't say more. I have a wife and child. So, the bottom line is, we'll have to do with that He's the Pope! cheer kinda thing: That's a P for Positive, that's an O for Optimistic, that's a P for Profit, because that's the bottom line. He either spreads the Word (read do-re-mi), or He doesn't.
In the Big Picture, basketball will be starting starting up after its unfortunate strike and I figure Indiana is the horse to bet on. So let's think Bird and Indiana, while we have the momentum, Hoosier's.
My best to whoever
The Rooster
1/1/99
Just a quick note in addition to your fine report on the New Year's cakewalk.. You didn't mention how Gary & the girls forgot to tell us about the dressing room and deli platter, and that by the time we found it ourselves, the girls had split with all the good furniture and the platter was infested with vermin. Or how two of the Marvelettes rolled Rich on the parking lot and stole his shoes. And by the way, Gary lost his parking garage space in New York, so if anyone can help him out, please e-mail us.
And re the paycheck thing, as I said, a quick 20 minutes in the casino and everybody goes home happy, and it would have worked but, when I got home with all that cash, my dog ate it. Bad Fagin! One more thing...the Peaches Page is now this goliath site that loads forever and blows up long before anybody is actually seen naked. Please research for a simpler adult site.
The Rooster in 99
12/23/98
It is becoming apparent that the digital tycoons whose xmas party we played are stiffing us. No check that night, nothing in the mail four days later. It would appear we're going to have to take our pay in bandwith. A lot of bandwith. I want band so wide I can drive on it. They are located somewhere in Chesterfield, so it appears we're headed west for an office visit, assuming the whole company isn't as virtual as its checks. We'll need some goons, so I'm going to hang at the Maplewood Shop and Save and see who wants to pick up a sawbuck for delivering a candygram, shall we say. And to think they had us play an extra hour. Bah, humbug.
Da Rooster
12/15/98
Scooter;
Stay Away From Bill?!! Are you trying to make us out as complete idiots on the world wide web? Do you know how many Motown avocadoes are, at this very moment, laughing and mocking us in some clandestine chat room? It's Don't Mess With Bill. Please make note of that so when we actually perform the song you won't be snickering and whispering about how stupid the girls are.
And just for the record, it's Tarkus, not Thesaurus.
The Red Rooster
12/9/98
Good God, you all. I went to the Slammies last night, at the insistence of our benevolent agent, Ben Schaffer. Benet was producing the stage show, so he spent the time wandering with a cool, wireless headset. Me, I was a stranger in a strange land. I knew it from the moment that RFT critic Randall Roberts introduced the best band in St. Louis, in my opinion, and it was Johnny Magnet. Good God, you all.
Two girls and a guy drummer. Real loud. Real cool looking. Real pointless. They actually covered Norwegian Wood without playing the actual chords. Apparently, she couldn't. Play the chords. I'm just glad I now know that Johnny Magnet is the best this town has to offer. Good God, you all.
Then it was star after star reading long-winded descriptions of categories like best bass player and drummer and solo act and acoustic guitar and no one who won was there to claim the award. Except Tom Wood. Best solo guy.
I asked Benet who the best drummer was, having never heard of him, and Benet replied, "Never heard of him." Ralph Butler and his daughter presented the bass and drum awards and his daughter warned listeners, "Never get caught clapping on the one." You should have seen the incredulous look on Ralph's face.
In the approximately 50 minutes I was there, I found myself standing behind or next to Richard Byrne for at least 40 minutes. Good God, you all. We never spoke, but I think he assumed I was stalking him. Once, he smiled and nodded at me, so I smiled back and licked my eyebrows. I don't think we had any eye contact to speak of after that.
Though the evening was young, I found myself compelled to bail when David Surkamp took the stage. Did you know he was in Pavlov's Dog? Did you know my dog could hear him singing all the way in Maplewood?
And finally, the winner of the best symphony orchestra in St. Louis was the St. Louis Symphony Orchestra. Good God, you all.
The Rooster
11/24/98
Since Thanksgiving is upon us and that's the industry standard for the beginning of Xmas season, a brief note concerning The Heaters present exchange this year.
I haven't decided if I will resurrect my food product theme or not. The problem with perishables is, well, they perish. With Rich enrolled in a school that, apparently, dotes on food and its preparation, there may be legal complications down the line. This will not do. I will not be threatened with legal recourse just because you or Richie undercooks a batch of mini tacos. Or corn dogs. Or whatever I find in the "Must Sell Today" freezer section at Sam's.
I have considered Beanie Babies but the damn things are something like $10, so forget that. That said, we might consider a Heater Beanie Baby promotion somewhere down the line. Something like a cute little stuffed burro or clam. Whatever. Make a note for the next board meeting. The bottom line here is we need to pull one more gig to cover the cost of my traditional holiday pinky ring you boys will be presenting me with. I got the final cost bids, and this design is going to run a little higher than usual, but then fine craftmanship usually does. As we say, "Only the best for the boss".
Oh, and you guys got my daughter a pony for her birthday.
The Rooster
11/11/98
Homepage guy;
Rumour has it we are to rehearse this week. A woman wants to attend said rehearsal and tape a phony baloney radio interview for some college class. Ah college, I remember it fondly. Parts, anyway.
So the deal is, everybody wears pants. No exceptions, and this means you Dan. No Speedos, no loin cloths and no socks, Rich. I graduated at SIUE with her and she may have information I don't need broadcast, if you get my drift. So let's all be on the same page for this and not get caught with our dobbers down. So to speak.
The Rooster
11/6/98
Gibson-
Got a call from the Venice Cafe last night, around 9:10, wondering where we were. Seems they were under the impression we were playing there last evening and had been charging a cover for the last twenty minutes. Once again, this comes down to Rich blowing this week off for personal use. Call our people in Seattle and makes sure he is tracked down and administered an ass whipping pronto. I don't want this pinned on me or the band in general.
In that regard I'm probably going to have Schaeffer fall on the sword for this foul up. He's been asking about dates during this week over and over and can't seem to accept the fact that we are unavailable for comment. That Rich is unavailable for comment. Make that two ass whippings.
I had to put a tape in for WCW Thunder and head down to the Venice and schmooze those people into forgiveness, which would have worked fine if they had eaten my tab instead of trying to squeeze me for the cocktails. This resulted in another ugly scene and I finally said the hell with it and bolted the south side. What a dump.
None of this is aiding us in returning to the Hot Tub, although, have you seen the Hot Tub lately? Do we really want to be in this thing? Talk about your primordial soup...but I understand the significance in lieu of rock 'n roll, etc. etc. I just hope a shower is provided afterwards.
Don't forget to call Seattle.
The Rooster
We may need to clear out of here in a hurry. You know how it is. Things happen.
Wherever we go, you can always find the FABULOUS HEATER HOME PAGE at:
www.bigfoot.com/~theheaters
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