Randy had the 'Rules' here are mine...
When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it's really dead.....
If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, that was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed necrophilia or satanic practices, move away immediately.....
Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.....
Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.....
If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.....
When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off or go it alone.....
As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.....
Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.....
If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.....
If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.....
Do not take *anything* from the dead.....
If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.....
Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.....
If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.....
If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, foaming at the mouth, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.....
Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.....
If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. Likewise, if your car has broken down, and the only refuge for miles is that creepy old mansion / castle on the hill, stay in the car.....
Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.....
Listen closely to the soundtrack; and pay attention to the audience, since they are usually far more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.....
Never listen to any music that contains staccato shrieking violins.....
If you are a woman, never strip and take a shower in slow motion.....
Do not keep all your sharpened kitchen knifes in one of those wooden block thingies on your worksurface.....
Look at the film credits and paycheck for the other cast members, the higher the paycheck and/or the greater the number of films the more likely that cast memeber to survive. Therefore stay with them.....
The first woman to either lose or remove her clothing is dead meat.....
The guy with the testosterone overdose is also dead meat.....
The guy that is always making jokes is often dead meat too.....
When you're searching a house because you think there's something dangerous there, for God's sake turn the damn lights on!.....
Never back out of one room into another without looking. It's always behind you.....
If you are traveling with friends, never let any hitch hikers in the van with you. It'll be the worst (if not the last) day of your life.....
Never babysit. There are more than enough babysitter-in-danger-thanks-to-a-stupid-killer flicks out already.....
If you are stupid enough to babysit, never try on the mom's nightgown collection. You'll only end up showing more skin. Remember: Skin=Death.....
If you are being chased, never lean against the wall when you think you lost him. He'll pop through and kill you.....
Never go to camp or become a counselor. You'll probably be dead by the end of the summer.....
Never say "I'll be right back." You won't be back. End of story.....
Don't ever do something just because someone dares you to.....
Never EVER visit or move to a small town in Maine.....
If you ever visit a distant planet and find some objects that look like eggs, leave them alone.....
Then when one of your spaceship's crew finds a hideous parasite attached to his body (as a result of disobeying the previous rule), don't let him back on the ship.....
When a hideous alien menace is hunting you (as a result of disobeying the previous two rules) never wander off alone to hunt for the ship's cat.....
If someone tells you to do or NOT do something (ex: DON'T fall asleep, DON'T go out there, DON'T look for the homicidal-chainsaw-wielding-psychopath by yourself) then by all means, listen to them!!.....
A small-town's little summer celebration might sound like fun. But if you hear the locals say things like, "Why you're the guest of honor! We couldn't even HAVE the barbecue without you!" ....run like hell.....
If you are trapped in a house surrounded by demons, making coffee will not help anyone.....
Always be nice to the shy, quiet, unpopular girl in school.....
Clowns never have been, nor will they ever be helpful to hang around while in a horror movie. As harmless as they might seem, they WILL kill you once you let your guard down.....
NEVER go back for anything you lost, anywhere.....
Avoid people with pointy teeth.....
Avoid people with lots of facial hair.....
Avoid people with pale complexion who moan and sway.....
If the barber remarks on the "666" tattoo your buzzcut kid now has, abandon the kid and move to Irkutsk.....
If you see a burly man wearing a hockey and toting a chainsaw, DO NOT stick around to see if he's with the Philadelphia Flyers.....
Never buy your kids a toy that talks back.....
Remember, Just Say No To Human Blood.....
Never watch a horror movie while you're in a horror movie.....
Never, under any circumstance, ever plan a camping trip that coincides with Friday the 13th.....
Pigs blood is not now, nor has it ever been, funny.....
If the young girls of the neighborhood sing songs about boogeymen while jumping rope, consider moving.....
If you live in Maine and your hometown includes a clown driving a car he calls Christine with a large, rabid St. Bernardin the backseat, while residing in an old, haunted hotel near a strange Pet Semetary, and hangs out with teenage girls with telekenetic powers. . .you're pretty much screwed.....
If you DO happen to get killed, make sure it's in a cheap low-budget gore-fest with no plot, so you can come back and kick ass, no explanation needed.....
Hope you like em....
Yeah, like anyone has read this far!
