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by S.A. McUmber-House
(With appologies to all my English teachers through the years)

comode image

If our plumbing you think quite funky...
Not for humans - and more for monkeys,
Then take a moment to stop and think,
"What happens to what you flush down the drink?"


When you live in the boonies, as many folks do,
The options you have are really quite few.
First a great big hole is cut and dug,
a concrete bucket becomes the plug,
the pipes roll in and dump the gunk,
which gurgles and rumbles and never gets shrunk.
It continues to grow and steep until
the once huge box has reached its fill,
then some lucky guy with his truck and hose
(and a very strong stomach and nearly numb nose)
comes and vacuums it out into a tank,
and mumbles and mutters 'bout how much it stank,
and carries it off to who-wants-to-know where,
while you wait for the breeze to come scour the air,
and brood and exclaim 'bout how much it cost
(not even considering how much you just lost
in free and remarkable plant fertilizer)
whilst we bucket ours
in trust for the flowers
and veggies and fruit
with strong leaf and root.
Ours steeps as well, but it shrinks as it cooks.
It mellows and settles and changes its looks.
In a couple of years, we don't dread a bill...
we find we've a mountain (OK, a large hill)...
of gold for our toil -
a pile of rich and fertile black soil!

Now you're a few minutes older, and wiser, no doubt.
Do you understand more what we're talking about?
Perhaps now you see clearly, well nearly, almost,
Why we prefer keeping it all for compost.


Detailed Operating Instructions:

1. Lift the lid.
2. Do your duty.
3. Wash your hands (thoroughly).
4. Scoop the dust.
5. Cover your work (thoroughly).
6. Close the lid.

Thank you for your "business"!


and just in case you are need of some privey entertainment...

A Little OutHouse Humor...
heeheeeehaw... (author unknown)

Maw is outside the house hanging up the laundry, when she hears Paw in the kitchen.
Maw sidles in and says, "Paw, git out h'yar an fix that there outhouse."

Paw says, "All right, Maw."

Paw walks out to the outhouse, gives it the once-over, and says,
"Maw, they ain't nothin' wrong with this hyar outhouse!"

Maw says, "Yes they is.
Put your head down thar close-like an looky in the hole."

Paw puts his head down in the hole
and he hollers, "Maw, I done tol' ya, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"

Maw says, "Now pull your head out'n o' that hole."

Paw goes to lift up his head and he says,
"Oww! OWW! Maw! MAW, ma beard's stuck in the cracks in the seat!"

Maw says, "Aggervatin', ain't it?"


This Old OutHouse imagined transcript of a Bob Vila adventure
Ode To An Outhouse
Outhouse Moon
OUTHOUSE History & Stories
Return to Composting to the Ultimate


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This page and all writing and graphics copyright 1997,1998,1999,2000,2001
S.A. McUmber-House - Sassafrass Grove Studio
all rights reserved.

This page last updated 06/06/2001