PWL IN YOUR HEAD 5

SUNDAY, AUGUST 4, 2002 - LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA.

Your Announcers: MIKE HOFFMAN and GENE WEST.

Opening Match: CHARLES NELSON MANSON and GRAVY TRAIN GLUTZ vs.
SUPER HEAVY and SUPER HORNET (with Sweet Daddy Williams).

The Super H's have teamed in various promotions for several years now, but Manson and Glutz have been the far more successful of the two teams in the past several months. Perhaps the strategy devised by the devious Sweet Daddy helped out his men in this match, as Heavy and Hornet looked much better than they had recently. A win over the Horners in one thing, but a win over former UWF/CWA tag champions meant much more. Indeed, that's what happened here, as Super Heavy and Super Hornet picked up the win, as Hornet pinned Glutz in 12'41".

Second Match: SETH vs. ELMO BLATCH.

Since Seth returned to the PWL, it was only a matter of time before he showed everybody his vast array of brawling tactics. Seth had more than recovered from his heinous taunting from The Terror, and though Elmo Blatch loves a good fight, he was no match for the former World champion. Seth pinned Blatch after 7'17" of eye-gouging entertainment.

Third Match, Ladies' World championship:
RUDI RAE MOORE (champion, with Dolly Might) vs.
DARK CRYSTAL (challenger).

Conspicuous by his absence was Human Tornado, who was preparing for his match against The Terror later in the show. Having already disposed of Dolly Might in several matches around the circuit, Dark Crystal knew how to dispose of her if she had to do so. Rudi Rae Moore was a formidable opponent on her own, the way any champion should be. Nevertheless, Crystal proved herself worthy for some PWL gold, and pinned Moore in 8'30". Your winner, and NEW Ladies' World champion, Dark Crystal!

Fourth Match: DONNIE GOSSETT and BLACKMALE BUCKEY (Soul Glo) vs.
BUTCH and BAMM-BAMM HORNER (The Fabulous Horner Brothers, with Mother Horner).

Butch and Bamm-Bamm continued their lackluster ways, with Soul Glo clearly outclassing their foes. Strangely, though, Mother Horner did not seem disgusted by her boys' performance. In fact, she watched the match from her wheelchair with a wicked smile on her face. Donnie and Buckey put the Horners and their fans out of their misery in only 6'16", with Buckey pinning Butch Horner to polish off the bout.

After Soul Glo celebrated their way to the back, Mother Horner surprised everybody by standing from her wheelchair. She motioned to the back, apparently in an attempt to secure help for Butch and Bamm-Bamm. Three men in white suits walked to the ring, and Mother Horner seemed pleased. Instead of helping Butch and Bamm-Bamm, however, the three men attacked the defenseless Horner Brothers. The fans sat bewildered as Mother Horner cheered the three men's assault. As some real PWL Suits helped Butch and Bamm-Bamm to the back of the building, Mike got some words from Mother Horner. Back in her wheelchair at ringside, she told the world that Butch and Bamm-Bamm "aren't the real Horner brothers. They have no right to call themselves Horners, because these three men here are the REAL Fabulous Horner Brothers." She then introduced the three, indentifying them as "Tricky" Tom, "Huge" Eugene, and "Doctor" Joe.

Fifth Match: THE GRITHER vs. WHOLE LOTTA MAN.

Though it wasn't announced as such, referee Wally Loafer decided to run the match as a no-disqualification, thereby ensuring a winner. Grither and WLM had no quarrel with that, and both men beat each other senseless. At one point, the brawlers came dangerously close to a group of underprivileged children who had come to show, thanks to donations to their charity from Joe The Giant. Anyway, Grither and Whole Lotta Man knew that if any child was hurt, they would have to answer to Joe The Giant himself, so they shifted their course, destroying and setting aflame the Timouthey concession stand. Whole Lotta Man eventually won, pinning The Grither in 13'03", but with the destruction of the hateful concession stand, everybody was a winner.

Sixth Match, World cruiserweight championship:
SMOOTH RUDY (champion, with Mondo Mbamba) vs.
IGGY SHROYER (challenger).

At long last, Iggy Shroyer had come oh-so-close to the coveted World cruiserweight championship. He had received shots at the title before, when he still had much to learn. Now he had made it, a title shot at one of the major PWL shows on the calendar. The champion was a crafty one, no doubt about it. With the masterminding styles of Mondo Mbamba in his corner, Smooth Rudy could ask for, and receive, matches and title shots anywhere in the world. Plus, Rudy had the added distinction of being a close friend of PWL Legend Fat Albert. Iggy Shroyer had learned much in his PWL career, but he would still need toovercome a great deal to finally attain the status he wanted since joining the PWL.

But enough about that. Iggy Shroyer pinned Smooth Rudy in 20'19". Your winner, and NEW World cruiserweight champion, Iggy Shroyer! In a show of sportsmanship, Rudy handed the belt to Iggy, shook hands, and an obviously touched Mondo Mbamab clapped at ringside. In any other case, PWL fans may have jeered such a happy spectacle, but they joined Mondo in applauding a job well done. As Iggy celebrated in the ring with his family members, the Mashed Potato Egg was wheeled into the building.

Seventh Match: BEN TRAYMOR vs. DIRK MERCURY (with Triple X).

Dirk Mercury, whose career has seen somewhat of an upswing in recent months, was joined at ringside by longtime NC-17 tagmate Triple X in this match. Mercury's opponent was Ben Traymor, one of many students of Joe The Giant. Traymor's wrestling profile has also risen a bit recently, so this match pitted two men climbing back up the ladder in the PWL. The chicanery perpetrated by Triple X on the outside meshed well with Dirk Mercury's heelish tactics inside the ring, leading many to speculate that these two could reform their tag team and not appear to have missed a beat. That might be a wise decision for those two, as their tomfoolery wasn't a match to the wrestling skill of Ben Traymor, who pinned Dirk Mercury cleanly after a well-fought 13'47" contest.

The Mashed Potato Egg Surprise.

Mashed Potato appeared to a thunderous ovation from the Los Angeles crowd. After relating the history of his Eggs, he introduced the recipient of the Egg's contents, Timouthey. Timouthey shuffled out to a mixed reaction of hooting and disinterested murmurs. Mashed Potato informed Timouthey that The PWL Suits took it upon themselves to give his wrestling career a boost in the form of a new tag partner. And not just any tag partner, either, as it would be a close relative of Timouthey. This led to a rush of interest among the audience, as led were now believing the surprise to be The Terror. That idea was squashed when Terror rushed out from backstage to mock and deride Timouthey for existing. As Terror continued his rant, Mashed Potato's Egg cracked open to reveal someone that caused The Terror, Timouthey, and everybody else to stop in their tracks when they saw who it was. Mashed Potato announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Timouthey's new tag team partner, his very own cousin, X-Ray!" The Terror laughed at Timouthey uproariously, the fans remained dumbfounded, and Mike and Gene sat at ringside wondering why they had bothered proceeding with the latest Egg angle. Fortunately for all, both Timouthey and X-Ray were attacked by the gargantuan newcomer Curley Temple.

Eighth Match: THE TERROR vs. HUMAN TORNADO.

The Terror remained in a jovial mood heading into his bout with his former TWO employee, Human Tornado. Although Terror had been established as a decent human being last week, fans still seemed to want to boo and jeer him. The Terror tried mightily to turn the audience against him, but their hearts just weren't into hating such an honourable performer. This match went back and forth between the gruff Tornado and the wily Terror. There was no outside interference in this bout, surprising because each wrestler knows some fairly shady characters. The Terror secured the win in true Terror fashion, which is an elaborate way of stating that he pinned Human Tornado. Time of the match was 14'44".

Ninth Match, Six Man Tag Team Match:
FAT ALBERT, M. KLEATS, WEIRD HAROLD (with Mondo Mbamba) vs.
DWAYNE, T-BOY, BUBBA SHAKESPEARE.

This is something the fans were craving, a total, utter squash on the part of Albert, Kleats, and Harold. Mondo Mbamba spent the entire match chatting with Mike and Gene, knowing full well that his side would need no help to defeat the crazed Dwayne, T-Boy, and Bubba. Harold's grappling, Kleats' pummeling, and Albert's sheer girth thrilled the crowd to no end, The dominating threesome stretched the match longer than was needed for a win, but nobody seemed to mind at all. The contest ended when Albert pinned Dwayne, T-Boy, and Bubba simultaneously at 7'39", as everybody enjoyed a good laugh unheard of in a match not involving Timouthey.

Tenth Match, North American/UWF/CWA Tag Championship Unification:
SHAGGY and FREDDY (North American tag champions) vs.
ADRIAN QUEEN and WILD PANSY (The Pink Flamingos, UWF/CWA tag champions, with Prince Vicious).

The winner of this big tag match would emerge with more than enough gold, with three championships on the line. Like many PWL matches, Shaggy and Freddy were more experienced, but had less experience as champions than their bleached-blond opponents. Many were predicting that Shaggy and Freddy's vast knowledge and flagrant rule-breaking would be the difference in this title bout. Fascinatingly, those folks were right. Not even the advice of former ECW wrestler Prince Vicious was enough for the rookies to combat their foes. Shaggy pinned Wild Pansy in 15'19" for the win. Your winners, STILL the North American tag champions, and NEW UWF/CWA tag champions, Shaggy and Freddy!

Eleventh Match, Steel Cage Match, World Tag Championship:
JUSTIN TOXICATED and AL COHOLIC (AA, champions, with John Barleycorn) vs.
TANKA SATCHMO and RUSSELL BRUTE (challengers, with Mondo Mbamba).

The steel cage was the perfect place for these four wrestlers, as each team seemed to hate the other side with a passion. This battle saw the largest amount of blood spilled in any match of the evening, doubtlessly disappointing The Grither. It is quite amazing that despite their names, AA has never seriously considered using liquor bottles as weapons during matches. Well, until this match, that is. John Barleycorn took advantage of the anything-goes atmosphere by equipping Justin and Al with glass bottles, and the champs used them with reckless abandon. Tanka and Satchmo might very well have won the titles in a normal steel cage match (if a beast of that nature exists), but AA proved why they can be long-running titleholders: non-stop chaeting. The Terror obviously taught them well. Justin Toxicated pinned Russell Brute in 16'14. Your winners, and STILL World tag champions, AA!

Twelfth Match, North American/UWF/CWA/NWA/WWWF Heavyweight Championship Unification:
"Kingpin" WILSON FISK (North American heavyweight champion) vs.
SCHOOLHOUSE ROCKY (UWF/CWA/NWA/WWWF heavyweight champion).

Never before in the current version of PWL history has there been a match in which five championships have been on the line. As Schoolhouse Rocky said before the match, "We're going to put the "5" in In Your Head 5." Thanks to SHR's clever remark, Mike and Gene spent the entire match saying other equally witty statements that tied together things with the word "five" in them. None of them were worth repeating, so don't expect to see any here. To summarize, Fisk was tough, Rocky was sharp, and the match was quite the barnburner. SHR performed an outstanding German suplex on the roomy Wilson Fisk, following that up with a top rope elbow drop. Three seconds later, at the 21'19" mark, Schoolhouse Rocky added another title to his resume. Your winner, STILL the Quadruple Crown heavyweight champion, and NEW North American heavyweght champion, Schoolhouse Rocky!

Thirteenth Match, Main Event, World heavyweight championship:
COOLEROY (champion) vs.
EXTERMINANS (challenger, with Joe The Giant).

Cooleroy shook hands with both Exterminans and the Legendary Joe The Giant before the match began. Once the bell rang, Cooleroy was all business, staggering his young opponent with a series of kicks and chops. Exterminans was ready for an intense battle, and the tide turned in his favor shortly thereafter. These two battled without hesitation, without interruption, and without interference. Not once during the match did either man leave the ring for reasons legal or illegal. Since Joe The Giant is immensely popular in the Los Angeles area, his protege Exterminans received a bit more backing from the crowd than did Cooleroy, which is not to say Cooleroy played the heel. As the contest progressed, Exterminans seemed to have more intensity than the champion, and cracks in Cooleroy's defense began to show. Cooleroy continued on, being the tough and rugged champion. But once Exterminans leveled Cooleroy with a powerbomb, the fans knew history was about to be made. Exterminans climbed the ropes, delivered a picture perfect moonsault, and referee Tom Tate made the count: one... two... THREE! As Joe The Giant nodded his head and smiled, the Los Angeles faithful went crazy as the announcement was made: Ladeis and gentlemen, in 24 minutes, 17 seconds, the winner of the match, your NEW World heavyweight champion, Exterminans!

The ring was quickly filled by wrestlers and fans as Exterminans celebrated the biggest win of his career with Joe The Giant. Cooleroy shook hands with the new champion, and headed backstage to allow the new champion space for his well-deserved celebration. The show ended with Exterminans holding the World heavyweight championship belt high over his head as the fans let out another shriek of happiness.