PWL THUNDERCAT MEMORIAL SHOW
Thanksgiving (USA), Thursday, November 22, 2001

The show began with the return of Seth and Human Tornado, with their interpretations of The Star-Spangled Banner and God Bless America. And there was much rejoicing.

Announcer Kermit the Frog introduced his colour commentator for the evening, another returnee, Cookie Monster. As the fans applauded, Cookie made an unscheduled foray into the ring for an announcement. “Several months ago, me got beat down at hands of Seth. Me don’t even know if the PWL had guts to show it on TV. Me’ve been doing much soul searching, brother, and me realized one thing. Me cannot blame meself for what happened...” (crowd cheers) “...me blame you fans for what happened!” (crowd boos loudly) “But most of all, me blame Frog!” Kermit grimaces as Cookie points in his direction. The audience gets restless until the familiar strains of “Bop ‘n’ Wrestle” are piped into the arena. Kermit nears apoplexy, the audience lumbers to the feet, and Cookie is agog at the return of The One, The Only, Vicious Vivian himself! Viv grabs a microphone and enters the ring for a staredown with CM. Vivian speaks, “Oh, lah-dee-dah. Look what we have here. I think this calls for a special blend of psychology and extreme violence.” Viv points to Cookie’s left. As Cookie follows Vivian’s finger, VV responds with a headbutt (a vicious one, of course). Vivian grabs Cookie Monster and tosses him to ring floor, not unlike a sack of garbage. As several referees and hangers-on cart Cookie Monster away, Vicious Vivian assumes the suddenly vacant colour commentator position.

A Volkswagen Bus pulls into the backstage area. A door opens, and out pops Joe The Giant his own self!

OPENING MATCH, PWL MIDGETSÂ’ CHAMPIONSHIP
CAPÂ’N CRUNCH (champion) vs. MASCARITA DIABLO (challenger)
As Diablo beats down the Cap’n, Kermit makes loud, repeated references to the Cooleroy-Exterminans main event. Vivian decides against viewing the curtain jerker, opting to light up a cigar and make seemingly unrelated comments concerning Gorgeous Greg, the BBC, Joe The Giant’s emu farm, and his claim to be the only former World champion to have wrestled a stoat. As Vivian tried Crunch’s hat on for size, the obviously inebriated champion was easy prey for Mascarita D, who scored a pinfall victory at 2’48” to win the midgets’ title for the umpteenth time.

Backstage once again, the VW bus opens once more to reveal another PWL legend, The Train!

SECOND MATCH, PWL WOMENÂ’S CHAMPIONSHIP
MRS. BUTTERWORTH (champion) vs. SUAN (challenger)
It wouldn’t be the PWL not to have its lesser title bouts upstaged in some fashion, and this one is no exception. Following the introduction of the combatants, Kermit the Frog introduces not just any legend, but The Legend Himself, JOE THE GIANT! The fans go “ape” as JTG makes his way to the magically-appearing third commentator’s position at ringside. Again, the announcers steer clear of the in-ring matchup, as Joe and Viv swap backstage stories from the 70s and 80s, while Kermit guffaws all the way. The most noteworthy information from the match is that it concluded at 3’02”, with SuAn using the techniques her New Mother taught her to capture her first Women’s championship.

Kermit officially welcomes The Train to the show. The audience succumbs to hysteria yet again as Train rumbles to ringside, where he assumes the fourth commentator’s seat and headset. Train then causes severe feedback by commandeering Guy Smiley’s house mic. Informing those in attendance that he was able to get “a super-secret surprise,” he instructs some unnamed PWL flunkies to “wheel ‘er on in, boys.” At that, the backstage curtains open, and from the back appear four milquetoast Suit trainees push out a large trailer featuring a gigantic egg. As Joe, Vivian, and Kermit openly discuss the egg’s contents (Joe guesses dinosaur, Viv a rabbit, Kermit believes it to be a moo cow), the fans cheer the moment heartily, knowing that The Train’s getting a bit on, but they still love him nonetheless.

Backstage, several people dressed as the late Thundercat mumble things along the lines of, “Where is he? I thought he said noon. Where’s me bottle opener? I vote for macaroni cheese.”

THIRD MATCH: THUNDERCAT MEMORIAL BATTLE ROYALE:
Your participants: Timouthey, Enormous Orphans 1, 2, and 3, Illustrators Tibor and Hawley, Fenwick Grencher, Swami Yoganti, Prince George, Zoot, Animal, Dr. Dementia, Butch Horner, Bamm-Bamm Horner, Iggy Shroyer, Fenwick Shroyer.
This match was a mess from the get-go. As several of the crowd’s wide-eyed youngsters petted the aforementioned egg, the Friendly Thundercat Representative who was to award the trophy to winner stepped into the ring. Grabbing Guy’s mic, he announced, “Get ‘im, Maw.” Suddenly, several more Friendly Thundercat Representatives swarmed the ring and attacked the battle royale’s participants. Most flung themselves over the ropes are timidly headed to the relative comfort of the greater backstage area, leaving only Dr. Dementia and Timouthey. Dementia accepted the head Thundercat’s offer of a bottle of moonshine from his own still, and the good doctor left the ring. Your winner of the Battle Royale is, therefore, Timouthey! As the FTR hands Timouthey the trophy, Timouthey declares the he’d rather have the moonshine. As the Thundercats look at each other, Timouthey retracts his statement, claiming he was “just jokin’.” Two Thundercats nod to each other, and they administer a beatdown of the Battle Royale winner as the other Thundercats walk to the back. As they throw Timouthey to the foot of the announcers’ table, the two Thundercats pull of their Lion-O masks, revealing themselves to be... The New Order! General Zod and Non have returned to the PWL after a nearly six-month absence. Zod makes several threats, claiming that since he and Non never lost in the ring, they are still the rightful PWL World tag champions, and no matter whether Long Sweet Lips or the Kentucky Fried Tag Team win their match later, The New Order, buddy, has got their number.

As Kermit, Vivian, Joe, and Train discuss aborted angles and gimmicks of 1987, several teenagers are escorted away by PWL Security after attempting to break open the egg with broken beer bottles. The teens’ cries of “Dude, it’s like, suffocating in there, man” fall on deaf ears.

FOURTH MATCH, NO-DISQUALIFICATION FENCE MATCH
M. KLEATS (with Mondo Mbamba) vs. SUPER HEAVY
PWL Maintenance get one side of the fence secured before deciding to take their union-mandated coffee break. Kleats and Heavy decide to wrestle the contest anyway. Kermit’s colour commentator wholeheartedly agree with Mondo’s claims that the PWL holds back all of its black wrestlers. Vivian suggests to Mondo that he take it out on the green employees. The match ends without warning when M. Kleats, who was booked to throw Super Heavy over the ropes in order to lodge him between the ropes and the fence, accidentally tosses him over of the three unfenced sections of the ring. Heavy flies over the ropes, loses his balance on the floor, and rather unfortunately lands in a group of wheelchair-bound orphaned children. As Joe The Giant helps Super Heavy out of the devastated section of kids, M. Kleats is declared the winner by countout in 9’19”.

Super Heavy regains his senses after the contest, personally apologizes to the children, and in a great display of sportsmanship, buys each child liver and onions at the PWL concession stand.

The Train leaves his commentatorÂ’s position to ready himself for the revealing of the eggÂ’s contents. Joe, Vivian, and Kermit alter their egg predictions to a cheese omelet, pantomime horse, and dung, respectively.

FIFTH MATCH, CHILI 3-WAY MATCH FOR THE CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
KARATE MAN (champion) vs. STARSHINE HIPPIE (challenger) vs. SUPER ELASTIC (challenger)
Super E is, as always but never acknowledged, accompanied by his valet, Bubble Plastic, who is, as we all know, Plastic Man’s ex-wife. See, they broke up and all, but remained “good friends.” Then, Plastic Man opened up a wrestling school on the outskirts of Albuquerque, and Super Elastic was his first pupil. Elastic progressed nicely, and Plastic Man hatched him an angle. What happened was, see, they had Super Elastic “turn heel,” join forces with PM’s ex (Bubble), and they would have it out with Plastic Man and his current wife, Penny (who y’all know as the mother of Baby Plas, Plastic Man’s equally elastic son). None of this matters much here, because Super Elastic is not the Winner and New, having been pinned by Starshine Hippie at 13’42” after the SHSHoTP. That, if you will recall, is an abbreviation for Starshine Hippie Submission Hold of Temporary Pain. At, least, I think that’s what it’s for, because I haven’t typed it out completely in who knows how long. If you know the PWL, you will realize that the bit about Starshine doesn’t make much of a point, due to the fact that he was pinned by Karate Man at 23’21”. Karate Man, therefore, is still your PWL cruiserweight champion. It’s been rumoured that Karate Man moonlights as another wrestler in another organization, but that story is for another day.

As Kermit the Frog hawks PWL merchandise, Joe The Giant and Vicious Vivian make bets on how many angles and performers will be forgotten by the bookers and writers before the show ends. Meanwhile, The Train is rapidly losing interest in his gigantic egg, and attempts to sell the rights to the angle to underused PWL talent.

SIXTH MATCH, FLAPJACK TAG MATCH
REYNALDO GUERRERA and LARS LUNDQUIST (with The Woman Monique) vs. DR. TEETH and FLOYD (The Electric Mayhem)
Before this match officially begins, Dr. Teeth makes an announcement. “We’re not gonna be called The Electric Mayhem anymore, slack. No, starting now, we’ll be forever known as... Lektrik Mayhem!” Any match, be it one-on-one or tag, that falls under Flapjack Rules features action so intense that a written description could not do it justice. Therefore, it dern well ain’t brung up here, buddy. Reynaldo and Lars score the dubya in your normal flapjack fashion.

As The Train makes his way back to the commentatorÂ’s area, he crows about having sold his massive egg to one of the guys backstage. At this point, longtime PWL crowd favourite Mashed Potato arrives on the scene to a thunderous ovation. He speaks of being really hungry since the show began, and his good friend Train was kind enough to provide an egg to satisfy his nourishment needs. As Mashed Potato is about to crack the egg, Guy Smiley races over to stop him. And the audio of the classic moment in PWL history goes like this:

NOTE: GS=Guy Smiley; MP=Mashed Potato; JG=Joe The Giant; VV=Vicious Vivian

GS: Whop, stand back, Mashed Potato.
MP: Uhhh...
GS: I think that egg is ready to blow!
(The egg cracks open, revealing a person in a gibbon suit. The crowd immediately boos.)
JG: Ah, there it is!
VV: Whahhh! (trails off)
(CrowdÂ’s booing increases)
JG: What is...
GS: Hah!
JG: What in the world?
(Boos increase, trash rains down on Guy and this thing. Mashed Potato runs for cover.)
JG: Goodnight Louise.
VV: I love it!!!

The gibbon begins dancing manically while avoiding shovels, rakes, and implements of destruction thrown at him by the PWL faithful. Kermit shucks and jives his way into the ring for the big announcement: “Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sure you’ll join all of us in the PWL in welcoming the Official Thanksgiving Mascot of the PWL. Ladies and gentlemen, The Thanksgibbon!” The newly-christened Thanksgibbon suddenly stops its dancing. It walks to the ring in a determined fashion, trudging past finger-waving drunks, disgusted old ladies, and crying children. It shimmies its way into the ring and grabs the microphone. Kermit gives another trademark grimace and sulks back to his ringside seat. And now, words from The Thanksgibbon. “Hey, woman. Hey, woman! Listen here. Thought you’d be pretty foxy, dincha? Well... All you hunkies wouldn’t be throwing your door prizes at me if you knew who I am. Don’t you know Who I Am?” And with this, and with the audience continuing their trash-talking and trash-throwing, The Thanksgibbon removes his gibbonhead to reveal...

The Terror. THE Terror. THE M*****F***ING TERROR.

And the entire arena is overcome by pure, unadulterated, Dead Silence.

The Terror drops the microphone, causing more feedback. He points to the vague area above the audience, makes a “stop” motion with both hands, and walks to the backstage area, not deviating from this bodily position. As several fans cough off-camera, Kermit wanders back into the ring and picks up the microphone. “Put your hands together for The Thanksgibbon. Yeah, one more time, The Thanksgibbon. How about it? Heh heh.”

Vivian: Gaw, that was a loud one.
Joe: (claps four times) Utter crap.
Train: Thank you very much, sir.

SEVENTH MATCH, NORTH AMERICAN TAG CHAMPIONSHIP
JUSTIN TOXICATED and AL COHOLIC (AA, champions) vs. THE WHO-NEE-2 MEN (challengers)
After the preceding spectacle, the PWL got really tired and didn’t do anything interesting for this match, and the combatants are just going through the motions for the entire bout. The writers did decide to have a surprise ending, and that very ending unfolds before everybody’s eyes, as the unheralded (at least, before The Puke Cup) Who-Nee-2 Men pick up the amazing victory and catapult themselves to the honorary number two position in the PWL tag ranks. Your winners, at 13’17”, and NEW North American tag champions, The Who-Nee-2 Men.

As former champs Justin and Al walk dejectedly to the back, they are met by two Friendly Thundercat Representatives. The FTRs taunt AA, who donÂ’t want no hassle, man, and try to shuffle on. The two Thundercats blindside Justin and Al, and as AA lie on the floor in a slightly unconscious manner, the FTRs remove their masks to reveal... oh, bloody heck, itÂ’s The Pillars of Pain. Golem and Quartz are quickly joined by The Terror (still in his Thanksgibbon togs), and the three of them fill up the TV screens everywhere with their howling, braying visages.

EIGHTH MATCH, WORLD TAG CHAMPIONSHIP
FOOT and TANKA SATCHMO (LONG SWEET LIPS, champions, with Mondo Mbamba) vs. THE KENTUCKY FRIED TAG TEAM (challengers)
Well, sir, this match goes back and forth several times, with both sides scoring two counts on each other. Of course, everybody knows that the PWL wouldn’t give the World title belts to wrestlers that don’t really have names, just designations like KFTT-1 and KFTT-2. Well, there were The Thunderfeet, The Tanglefeet, The Hungarian Boys, and the first few reigns of The Midnight Express. Today’s brand of PWL writer conveniently ignores history, and Tanka Satchmo pins KFTT-2 in 16’13” to retain the World tag titles, not to mention the first match to have both “fried” and “lips” in the teams’ collective names.

Oh yeah, Zod and Non glared menacingly at LSL after the match, thereby making good on their earlier threat. Sorta.

NINTH MATCH, NORTH AMERICAN HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
SCHOOLHOUSE ROCKY (champion) vs. FAT ALBERT (challenger)
By this stage of the evening, a generous portion of the audience is passed out drunk. This wonÂ’t stop the Schoolhouse Rock and The Fattest Man in Wrestling from putting on a likely Match of the Year candidate. What will stop it is the rather poor scripting of the bout. Troopers that they are, though, SHR and FA put on a smashing contest, with Fat Albert putting a super splash on the champeen, following that with the ole ein, dos, trois to end Schoolhouse RockyÂ’s 514-day NA title reign. Your winner, and NEW North American champion, Fat Albert.

YOUR MAIN EVENT, WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
COOLEROY (champion) vs. EXTERMINANS (challenger)
As he walks to the ring for his big chance to become World champion, Exterminans stops by the commentatorsÂ’ table to receive some sage advice from his teacher, Joe The Giant. What the advice is, we may never know, but it did wonders for Exterminans in this match as he rolls to a respectable top-forty finish. Oh, wait. Yessiree, Exterminans is one tough hombre, amigos, but Cooleroy has earned his spot atop the wrestling world. He ainÂ’t gonna be releasing his grasp on the World title here, maties.

Or so you would think.

And you would be correct to think that, as Cooleroy pins Exterminans at 19’50”. At this point, it would behoove me to write,

Your winner, and STILL World heavyweight champion, COOLEROY!

After the main event, Terror once again appears on the screens throughout the arena. He makes references to flounder, chainsaws, moss, Bulgaria, aspirin, and cheap alternatives to milk, then sets Cap’n Crunch afire and runs into a cornfield, shouting, “This is the cornfield! Here it is, Timouthey, this is the one! Whaddaya think of Sally, now?”

The Thundercat Memorial Show fades to maroon, then burnt sienna, and finally black.

Endut! Hoch hech!

This account is copyrighted 2001 Professional Wrestling League, a division of Paravale Wrestling Limited, a Big Stewie Entertainments company.

Copyright 2001, 2008 Big Stewie Entertainments Corporation.