PWL MONDAY OBSCURE

MONDAY, MAY 15, 2000 - YUGARENA, DETROIT, MICHIGAN.

The show opened with PWL President GENE WEST listening to voice-mail messages he received from THE TERROR, FAT ALBERT, SCHOOLHOUSE ROCKY, and SUPER HEAVY. Mostly of a loud sort, the four individually promised they would send the other three running from the PWL in utter fright. West sat back for a minute, then got an impish grin on his face, and began writing for the evening.

The Undercard:

• Midgets' World champion NAUGA pinned ORKO in 3:27 to retain the title.
• SKELETOR pinned DR. DEMENTIA in 4:18.
• SETH and HUMAN TORNADO defeated THE ILLUSTRATORS in 4:04 when Seth pinned Tibor.
• URSA pinned KITTY LEE in 3:22.

Movin' On:

ERMA ELSEY cut a promo in which she introduced her new manager, SGT BLAST. Blast proceeded to call everybody "buttholes" and had to be guarded by PWL Security after the mood turned ugly in the crowd. Elsey challenged MRS. BUTTERWORTH to a title match somewhere within Blast's tirade.

KARATE MAN successfully defended the PWL Cruiserweight title by pinning TANKA SATCHMO in 6:26. After the match, Satchmo's manager MONDO MBAMBA, and tagmates M. KLEATS and FOOT attacked Karate Man until SUPER ELASTIC made the save. Elastic assured everybody that he didn't like Karate Man, but he wanted KM to be "nice and fresh-like when I gits that belt from him, dig?"

MRS. BUTTERWORTH agreed to wrestle Erma Elsey sometime down the road, but Elsy "just isn't ready for the thick, sweet goodness of Mrs. Butterworth, child." Mrs. B then took on ALICE THE GOON in a Women's World title defense. As Butterworth secured the victory with the Maplenoku Driver XVI and pin in 6:47, Erma and Blast arrived and beat down the champion. Alice made a beeline toward the dressing room, and PWL Security had to break up the attack, proving that a champion has no friends.

PWL President GENE WEST made another appearance. "The Terror, of course, has never treated me with any respect. And now that I have graciously awarded Fat Albert, Schoolhouse Rocky, and Super Heavy a shot for the World title at PWL22, they have given me the Terror Treatment, so to speak. Well, boys, I am the President, and there's a little bit of The Imp left in me, so I've booked four little matches for you fine people.

"Super Heavy, you've only been here about six weeks, and you have the audacity to leave me nasty messages? I can be even nastier, my friend, because tonight, you have the unspeakable honor of wrestling not just one World champion, but two. Mr. Heavy, you get to take on THE PILLARS OF PAIN in a handicap match!

"Schoolhouse Rocky, The Imp sez this: you only have to fight one-on-one tonight. But do note, Shruh, that I said fight, and I didn't say fight a man, or even a person. You, Rock, get to do battle with GRIMACE.

"Fat Albert, I couldn't put you in a handicap match. What with your bulbous girth, the entire locker room would be at a disadvantage. But, i do have a solution. One minute into a match, I see you hacking and wheezing, praying that you don't pass out right there. Folks have always wondered how The Fat Man would fare against a much smaller foe? Tonight, we find out, as you must wrestle STARSHINE HIPPIE.

"And the Almighty Terror, what could I do to humiliate you to no end? Hey, here we go. We've got one handicap match, wouldn't two be even more fun? Yessiree, tonight it's THE TERROR taking on both GENERAL ZOD and NON in a three-on-one! What's that, Three-on-One? That's right, Mr. terror, because the special guest referee is none other than... CAP'N CRUNCH! Ladies and gentlemen, let the humiliation commence!"

Handicap Match: THE PILLARS OF PAIN (GOLEM and QUARTZ) vs. SUPER HEAVY.

• The POP received pre-match help from The terror, then went out to destroy the relative newcomer. To a mix of blood-thirsty cheers and howling jeers, G & Q put a good ole pummeling down on The Obese Luchador. Just as Heavy seemed to be coming back, POP became even more aggressive, stomping away on their gargantuan, but green, opponent. Referee BURT COOPER attempted to mercifully stop the match, but he too was beaten by Golem and Quartz. Finally, Gene West hit the ring, and called off the Pillars. "Don't you even try to shoot your mouth off at me anymore, Heavy. Learn from this, and maybe I'll go easy on you on June 10. I'm the President, remember? I can make new World champs and break old ones with a snap of the fingers. And speaking of old champs, did you see what I did, Terror? A few simple words, and your supposed friends stopped the attack. They know who signs their paychecks, and it sure as hell ain't some tattooed Joe the Giant wannabe from (spit) southern Illinois."

No Holds Barred Match: GRIMACE vs. SCHOOLHOUSE ROCKY.

• This match was underway as Grimace dragged SHR from the locker rooms to the ring. SHR was still in his regular clothes as the Purple Freak pounded away on him. Gene West returned to ringside and caught the eye of Grimace. west produced a briefcase, apparently containing money, while yelling at Grimace, "Keep going, it'll all be yours." As Rocky attempted his second wind, West entered the ring and decked him with the briefcase, and told referee TONY PLOW to stop the bout. "It's clear that The Schoolhouse Crock cannot continue, so your official winner is Grimace!" To a loud chorus of boos and catcalls, Gene West handed Grimace the briefcase, which was no starting to ooze. Grimace opened it, and it was finally clear that it contained now-melting milkshakes. As Grimace opened it up wide open and devoured the sweet, milky, creamy goo inside, the PWL Scriptwriter immediately regretted the phrase he just wrote.

Another President-Screws-Bigname Match: STARSHINE HIPPIE vs. FAT ALBERT.

• Starshine kept Fat Albert aware by chopping away at his legs, kicking at his groin and belly, and other such moves that a lighter wrestlers might perform. Fat Albert refused to fall in a crumpled heap to the mat, however, and finally decided to retaliate. He grabbed the Hipie and began to thrash noisily and violently on the former cruiserweight champion. Gene West decided not to make an appearance for this match, instead letting some hired goons do the dirty work. The hired goons in this case turned out to be M. KLEATS and FOOT. They did a little ring stormin', knocking the Fattest Man in Wrestling off his feet with a dazzling array of sleight-of-hand, not to mention an old water heater that apparently was just lying around somewhere. As instruceted earlier by Gene West, referee THAG SIMMONS, JR. ignored the assault, and counted the 1, 2, 3, declaring Starshine Hippie your victor in 7:23.

Your Main Event, Handicap Match: THE NEW ORDER (GENERAL ZOD and NON) vs. THE TERROR (World heavyweight champion), special guest referee CAP'N CRUNCH.

• Theses fine folks went through the motion of yet another match in which somebody gets screwed by a Suit hellbent on revenge. Finally, even Gene West got sick of it and walked to the ring and said to the Cap'n, "Just make a three count." Crunch counted to three, and the match was awarded by pinfall to The New Order.

The show ended when the particpants of the previous unfair matches returned to the ring to engage in one of those big brawls that look like battle royales. You know, those ones that are really easy to book because they require no creativity, insight, reasonable intelligence, or logic. See you on Wednesday from Toronto!