APRIL 14, 2000 - VOLESTRANGLER CENTER, CHICAGO, ILLINOIS.
The show opened with THE PILLARS OF PAIN and CAP'N CRUNCH in the ring to a boos, catcalls, jeers, and other assorted negative remarks, several of which were quite graphic and won't be bothered to reprint here. The three claimed that World champion THE TERROR had allowed himself the weekend off so he could "get him some turnin' in." POP and Cap'n were interrupted by PWL President GENE WEST, who agreed that Terror was not there, but it would be made up to the fans by putting GOLEM and QUARTZ in the main event this evening against THE NEW ORDER.
Match One: SUPER HEAVY "The Obese Luchador" vs. HULK BIXBY. After putting Man-At-Arms out of commission in his first PWL match, Super Heavy received this opportunity to continue climbing the ladder by taking on former World champion Hulk Bixby. Bixby made Heavy work hard in this contest, resorting to mat techniques and various martial-arts maneuvers, usually unseen from the Bixster. The Obese Luchador persevered, though, and outmuscled Bixby to grab control of the match, and put it away with an impressive belly-to-belly suplex and pin for the victory in 6:55.
Match Two: GRIMACE vs. HE-MAN. These two were comrades of sorts at WrestleRama 14, but there was nothing friendly about Grimace's demeanor in this battle against He-Man. The Purple Monster pummeled the Eternia native form pillar to post, and brutally ended this matchup with a guillontine legdrop for the pinfall dubya in 4:11.
Match Three, Midgets tag match: NAUGA and MASCARITA DIABLO vs. CAP'N CRUNCH and a mystery partner. Unfortunately for the Cap'n, he forgot to let his intended partner know that he was, in fact, crunch's teammate, so poor Crunchie had to wrestle two-on-one. In typical fashion, Nauga and Diablo tore Cap'n to shreds, and Mascarita picked up the win for his side, forcing Crunch to submit to a cross-face chicken wing in 4:29.
Match Four: SKELETOR vs. M. KLEATS (w/ MONDO MBAMBA). The absence of Orko at ringside proved detrimental to Skeletor in this contest, as Mondo pulled out all the stops to ensure victory for his charge Kleats. Sure enough, the Kleats-Mbamba team was too crafty for the crowd-loving Skeletor, and M. Kleats picked up a much-needed win following a frog splash in 8:25.
Match Five: SETH and HUMAN TORNADO vs. THE ELECTRIC MAYHEM (DR. TEETH and FLOYD PEPPER, w/ ANIMAL, ESMERALDA, and ZOOT "The Sexiest Muppet on Earth"). Another match, another bloodbath for the Doctor and floyd. Their opponents, however, were more than happy to wear the crimson masks, and dished out that much and more on their shady opposition. Interference from the Mayhem's entourage caused only minor setbacks for the PWL's original DQ-rule-be-damned grapplers, and Seth and the Tornado scored one for themselves and fans who enjoyed their style of wrestling. Judging from the crowd's reaction, that would be nearly every PWL fan, as Tornaod finished the match off by powerbombing Dr. Teeth through a table, on which there were a stereo, hot plate, ceramic tile, aluminum siding, and an easy-bake oven. Needless to say, Doc could not withstand falling into that sort of thing there, and um, oh Tornado pinned Teeth in 9:33 to get the W for himself and seth.
Match Six, World cruiserweight championship: STARSHINE HIPPIE (champion) vs. KARATE MAN (challenger). This was by far the most technically brilliant match on the card, one that was so outstanding, mere words alone would be unable to do this contest justice. It was just that fascinating. 20-minute draw, Starshine still your champion.
Match Seven: FAT ALBERT vs. SCHOOLHOUSE ROCKY. "Finally, the Schoolhouse Rock is challenged by a grappler who has defeated wrestlers with name recognition. Fatty, you may have been the toughest wrestler at one time, but your day has long past. The rest of your miserable, what was it, Gang, have gone on to their financially pathetic lives as jobbers, but at least they had the common courtesy to change names, so as not to run their legacy through the mud. Obviously, you don't care about your legacy, and it astounds the Schoolhouse Rock that these worthless cretins still believe you could have a decent run as champion. Why, there was this one time..." and finally Fat Albert had enough, attacking SHR in mid-rant. Albert took control in the early going, but in true heel-takes-command fashion, SHR gained the offensive by resorting to underhanded shenanigans. The fans cheered Fat Albert on for a comeback, and whaddaya know, he got his second wind, and it seemed there was no stopping him. And then along came BIG SID SMITH, who simply entered the ring and, ignoring referee TONY PLOW, joined Rocky in a two-on-one beatdown of the Fattest Man in Wrestling. Fat Albert ws declared winner via DQ in 8:11.
Match Eight, North American tag championship: IGGY and FRANKIE SHROYER (champions, w/ WEIRD HAROLD) vs. RUFUS VAN PELT and BILLY JO JIVE (challengers, w/ "Sweet" SUSIE SUNSET). This was the rematch from Monday Night Thing, when the Shroyers stunned everybody by capturing the NA tag straps. With Weird Harold guiding them, Iggy and Frankie seized command in the rematch as well, and RVP and BJJ were forced to rely on crafty interfering tactics to get offense in the matchup. It was the Shroyers' night for the victory, or so it seemed, when they successfully executed a double-team something-or-other move, when the former BUTCH HORNER arrived at ringside and began shouting at Weird harold and the referee. As the ref tended to the situation, from backstage came two masked individuals, who attacked the Shroyers as RVP and Billy looked on in confusion. Butch and the men retreated to the curtain as Rufus pinned Iggy in 10:11. Your winners and NEW North American tag team champions, RUFUS VAN PELT and BILLY JO JIVE! As the champs celebrated, Iggy, Frankie, and Harold regrouped in the ring. At this time, Butch muttered something to his friends, and they removed their masks, revealing themselves to be BOZO THE CLOWN and HERMAN! It appears as if the devious clown is back in the PWL, and who knows what kind of brand of evil he has brought with him. Aside from Herman, of course.
Match Nine, North American heavyweight championship: COOLEROY (champion) vs. BIG SID SMITH "The Neighborhood Bully" (challenger, w/ "Mean Old" MR. McMASTER). In yet another rematch from eleven days previous, Cooleroy battled his new nemesis, Big Sid. Cooleroy had control for much of this match, as it appeared Smith was slightly sluggish from his earlier attack on Fat Albert. Sometime during the match, Mr. McMaster provided an unidentifed object for Big Sid to cause all kinds of trouble for the champion. Fortunately for Cooleroy, Fat Albert just happened to see the dastardly transaction occur as he watched the monitor in the back. Unfortunately for the champion, Fat Albert rushed to ringside and attacked the bully Sid, causing Cooleroy to be disqualified. Further complicating matters was another appearance from Schoolhouse Rocky, who helped Big Sid fight off Cooleroy and Fat Albert. Whether this brawl leads to a highly logical tag match between these four men, or if the PWL Suits forget all about it, is anybody's guess.
Match Ten, Main Event, World tag championship: THE PILLARS OF PAIN (GOLEM and QUARTZ, champions, w/ CAP'N CRUNCH) vs. THE NEW ORDER (GENERAL ZOD and NON, challengers, w/ URSA). The absence of The Terror meant that Cap'n Crunch assisted the POP in their game plan for this title defense. Naturally, the match turned out to be a completely lop-sided affair, with Zod and Non constantly outsmarting Crunch, whose plans for Golem and Quartz turned out to be mostly growling, stretching, and pig-calling. Utilizing their finishing move, the name of which cannot be conceived due to mass apathy, Zod and Non took home the gold as Zod pinned Quartz in 7:37. Your winners, and NEW World tag team champions, THE NEW ORDER! The show concluded with Golem and Quartz playing a "friendly" game of "hide-and-seek" with Cap'n Crunch. It seemed that the Cap'n smartly hid at the bottom of a Dumpster, improvising camouflage by beating his face to bloody chaos. At least, that's what Golem and Quartz told us.