FROM THE GREASY CIVIC CENTER, DU QUOIN, ILLINOIS.
The Terror opened the show by making fun of The Train, his supposed lack of proper hygiene habits, and the fact that Gene West was passed out drunk in the back. Terror then pushed Cap'n Crunch toward the ring, providing a segue into...
Match One: THE TRAIN vs. CAP'N CRUNCH. In this first match for The Train this evening, he had absolutely no problem putting away the Cap'n. On kick to gut, and Cereal Man fell to the mat. Had he remembered to eat his pre-match snack of Crunch Berries, he would have promptly puked it all over the ring. Train had no time for vomiting, and pinned the Cap'n in 9 seconds.
Match Two: FAT ALBERT and GENERAL ZOD (w/ Ursa) vs. LONG SWEET LIPS (w/ Mondo Mbamba). On paper it seemed to be a handicap match, but M. Kleats, Foot, and Tanka satchmo's combined weight still did not equal one of Fat Albert's pre-match banquets. Folks anticipating regurgitation in this match were sorely disappointed, but the faces were able to overpower Mondo's triad. Zod got the win for his side by pinning Satchmo in 9:45.
Match Three: THE TRAIN vs. DARK ANGEL (w/ The Terror). Train wanted no part of this match, claiming "I ain't interested in wrestling no girls." Terror jumped to the ring apron and taunted Train further. As Train and referee Burt Wembley turned to gawk at Terror's imitaion of an unidentified barnyard animal, Thumbelina and Aunt Rhody ran to the ring. Thumbelina attacked Dark Angel and put her out of commission for the evening with a spinning neckbreaker, followed by a chokeslam. Terror attempted to get the ref to notice the assault, but Wembley and Train thought that was part of the act. As Thumbelina nad Rhody left, Train finally turned around. Referee Wembley noticed dark Angel out cold, and awarded the match to The Train via forfeit. Terror was irate, and blamed the incident on Cap'n Crunch.
Match Four (North American tag title match): RUFUS VAN PELT and BILLY JO JIVE (champions, w/ "Sweet" Susie Sunset) vs. HUMAN TORNADO and SETH (challengers). The makeshift team of Tornado and Seth was definitely more powerful than the champions, but RVP and BJJ triumphed in the end, thanks to timely interference from valet Sunset. As Tornado celebrated a running powerslam on RVP, Sunset tossed in a jar of Vaseline. As Sunset further distracted referee Brick Armstrong, Jive clocked HT in the skull with the jar, and RVP scored the win to retain the straps in 13:09.
Match Five: BIG SID SMITH (w/ Mr. McMaster) vs. NON (w/ Zod and Ursa). What seemed to be Smith's toughest bout since joining the PWL must now also be his biggest victory, pinning Non to win the contest in 10:22. Non's downfall was caused by mistiming his frog splash on Sid. As Non fell to the mat, Smith scooped him up into a curious-looking move in which Smith lifted Non as if to powerbomb him, then dropped him down on his head. After the match, Smith and McMaster informed Kermit the Frog that the move is known as "The Bully Spike, a move never, ever seen before in all of wrestling, but one that will cause massive destruction to not only Fat Albert at WrestleRama, but the entire PWL as well."
Match Six: THE TRAIN vs. GOLEM. By far the stiffest of The Train's challenges to this point in the evening, Train came out on top nonetheless, flooring Golem with a herat punch and pin in 11:29.
Match Seven (North American heavyweight title match): COOLEROY (champion) vs. SKELETOR (challenger, w/ Orko). Skeletor came out brawling in this match, knowing full well what was at stake. As orko cheered him on to victory, Skeletor planted Cooleroy with a Tornado DDT for the one, two, ... COOLEROY KICKS OUT! As Orko looked on stunned, Cooleroy powered back to reverse the roles, and when he clamped Skeletor in the double-arm chicken wing, Greyskull's finest had no choice but to surrender. The fans, even in their intoxicated state, appreciated the performance by both wrestlers, giving a standing ovation at the match's end. Cooleroy retained the belt by submission in 15:00.
Match Eight: THE TRAIN vs. QUARTZ. Train showed minor signs of wearing down, but he was still in top form. Though Quartz had indulged slightly at Gene West's portable saloon in the back, there was no stopping Train, sober or drunk. Train won yet again, moving up to 4-0 on the night, pinning Quartz in 7:23.
Match Nine (World tag title match): NC-17 (champions) vs. FABULOUS HORNER BROTHERS (challengers). This was Bamm-Bamm Horner's first involvement in a championship match, and things could not have gone better for the FHB... except that they didn't win the belts. Dirk Mercury and Triple X remain your World champions, as X won with the Bread Shot and pinning Old Weird Horner in 13:02.
MAIN EVENT OF THE EVENING (non-title match): THE TERROR (World heavyweight champion) vs. THE TRAIN. Terror was smart the entire night, guzzling 7-Up while watching Cap'n Crunch stumble around drunkenly for his amusement. Terror was also the only one of Train's opponents to get a two-count on the PWL Legend. Terror was readying Train for the Terror Spike, but Train sensed the move approaching and countered Terror's finisher with the dreaded boot to the face and legdrop. Oh, and a top-rope powerbomb as well. Train got the pin and win over the World champ in 14:44.