FROM THE ARTHUR BREWSTER CENTER, DU QUOIN, ILLINOIS.
Curtain Jerker Matches;
World heavyweight champion The Terror conducted an interview in which he claimed he defeated The Train on Monday night, then proceeded to verbally tear down Cooleroy. During the interview, Dark Angel constantly slapped Cap'n Crunch in the back of the head.
BIG HEAD GUY and FAT DUDE (with FU) notched a rare victory tonight as they defeated D'OH and M'EH by pinfall in 4:29. BHG pinned D'oh for the win. Following the match, BHG and FD unexpectedly turned on Fu, leaving him battered in the ring as they went off to celebrate further.
Midgets' World champion CAP'N CRUNCH managed to successfully defend his belt yet again, pinning ORKO in 6:32 following interference from Dark Angel. As Skeletor helped his Greyskull buddy to the back, Dark Angel left the Cap'n in the ring gloating by himself. His fun was cut short, however, when the house lights went dark and a mysterious flashing red light was turned on. An easily frightened Cap'n hurried to the safety of Terror's dressing room, screaming loudly the entire way.
In his PWL debut, KARATE MAN made quite an impact, defeating ? (QUESTION MARK) by submission in 8:49. KM fought a tough match, and picked up the win with a move he calls the Quart of Blood Technique. The PWL Suits were said to be impressed by Karate Man, and have already lined up matches against other PWL cruiserweights.
Backstage, The Terror yelled at Cap'n Crunch, demanding he get out of Terrors personal refrigerator and hide somewhere else. Also, Train and Cooleroy discussed strategy for later in the evening when they eat hamburgers and waffles, Grimace punched out Dr. Dementia when the good Doctor questioned Grimace's species, and Zod and Non had a $25 bet going as to which one could get a higher score on the ColecoVision Smurf game they bought at Mrs. Butterworth's latest garage sale.
Women's World champion DARK ANGEL wrestled MRS. BUTTERWORTH to a double-disqualification in 8:44. The match was brutal from the outset, and tensions escalated late in the match when Angel blasted Butterworth with a chair out ofthe referee's vision. Mrs. B kicked out at two, though, and she was mad. Angel grabbed the chair, Butterworth grabbed a bottle of her syrup, and the two scored headshots on each other with their implements of destruction. The ref called for a 2DQ, although he could just as easily have ruled a 2KO. As Mrs. B staggered to the back, Thumbelina and Aunt Rhody arrived fresh on the scene to punish the ladies' champion further. Angel headed for the back, angry that Cap'n Crunch was not at ringside as he had promised.
SETH took home the sweet victory in a three-way match against HUMAN TORNADO and HULK BIXBY. Bixby nailed Tornado with a deadly boot-to-the-face/legdrop combo that had HT reeling in utter anguish. As Hulk gloated, Seth caught him off-guard and planted him head-first with the old-fashioned, good-time, extra-chewy tombstone piledriver. Seth netted the dub-ya in 13:22.
SKELETOR was well on his way to defeated WILSON FISK when three hooded figures raced out from backstage and ambushed Skeletor and Orko. The three unknowns brutally brutalized their apparent foes in brutal fashion that could best be described as brutal. The fans were as horrified as they usually are in such cases, mostly due to the fact that the attack was quite brutal, actually. The match was very much like Wilson Fisk's career in that it was thrown out. The contest's official time was 7:41.
Backstage, Dark Angel yanked Cap'n crunch outta the fridge and treated the wise guy to a little chin music. She completed her duties by tossing Crunch into a dressing room, one conspicuously marked "MRS. BUTTERWORTH'S PRIVATE DRESSING ROOM." Also, Zod an Non yelled at Fat Albert for tripping over the ColecoVision and spoiling their game of Smurf. Fat Albert apologized, stating that he couldn't see the '80s video game console for his large tray of snackfoods to satisfy his non-drug-related case of the munchies, but Zod an Non were still upset.
North American tag team champions RUFUS VAN PELT and BILLY JO JIVE announced an open challenge for the evening, and their call was answered by the unexpected return of THE ELECTRIC MAYHEM! DR. TEETH and FLOYD stormed the ring and went to work on the champions, giving them a right thrashing. The Mayhem scored a countout win in 5:28 as RVP and BJJ ran to the safety that is the dressing room area. Afterwards, Dr. Teeth, Floyd, valet JANICE and bodyguard ZOOT "The Sexiest Muppet Alive" pointed toward commentator KERMIT THE FROG, with the Doctor saying, "Spread the word, Frog, that the Mayhem is back in the PWL, and we're here to kick as much @$$ as they put in our damn way, and we ain't gonna stop, even when we get those World tag team straps, baby. Now can you picture that, Frog?"
World cruiserweight champion STARSHINE HIPPIE polished off opponent DUH CHEE much the same way that The Terror polishes off a box of Lucky Charms: under 20 minutes. The match was fought fairly evenly for the first twelve minutes, but Starshine took control, and once he applied the long-winded SHSHoTP, Duh Chee had no choice but to surrender. Starshine retains the gold in 18:51.
The monstrous rampage that is BIG SID SMITH continued tonight as he demolished yet another of PWL's finest, this one being WAFFLE HOUSE. BSS pinned the friendly, waffle-loving grappler in 6:39 following the dreaded combo of a poke in the chops and a Tiger driver. After the match, Big Sid Smith issued a challenge to Fat Albert. This challenge may actually be accepted, though it wasn't tonight.
The match between THE FABULOUS HORNER BROTHERS and LONG SWEET LIPS turned out to be a six-man attraction pitting Butch Horner, Old Weird Horner, and the newest member, Bamm-Bamm Horner (all accompanied by another family member, Mother Horner) against Mondo Mbamba's charges, M. Kleats, Foot, and Tanka Satchmo. It was LSL's turn to score the win tonight, as Foot scored the pinfall on Butch Horner after a 16:07 brawl that went from the ring to most every place the wrestlers could fight withough risking serious bodily harm at the hands of the drunken fans in the crowd.
Backstage, PWL Medical Personnel tended to Skeletor and Orko's brutal injuries. Also, Cap'n crunch emerged from Mrs. Butterworth's dressing room a complete mess in a scene with multiple theories behind it, and Billy Jo Jive was seen on the phone demanding to get in contact with an entity known as "Wrongway."
NC-17 did it! The World tag team champions pulled off the win against former champions THE PILLARS OF PAIN. They did have a touch of unrequested help in the matter. GOLEM and QUARTZ seemed to have the match in hand, yet before they could finish off DIRK MERCURY and TRIPLE X, out came THE NEW ORDER. As URSA distracted the referee as only she can, ZOD and NON took their frustrations out on G&Q, tossing Golem out of the ring and spike-piledriving Quartz, Dirk was draped over Quartz, and the referee found time to turn around and count the pinfall at the 16:16 mark.
Und jetz, your Main Event of the Evening, brother. For the World heavyweight championship, THE TERROR put his title on the oft-mentioned, yet always unseen, line against his number one contender, North American champion COOLEROY. While Terror had Dark Angel tending to his corner, Cooleroy had the advantage in bulk, as both THE TRAIN and FAT ALBERT were there to see to it that C-roy would walk out a double-champion. As it turned out, Cooleroy did indeed leave as the winner... but not the World champion. Train and Fat Albert provided much interference on Cooleroy's behalf, interference that the referee either failed to see or simply chose not to acknowledge. Terror finally had enough, and walked outside for a talk with Dark Angel. Angel walked over to Train and Fat Albert, and kicked them in the knees. The referee immediately called for the bell and gave the DQ win to Cooleroy in 13:44. When asked about his decision, referee Burt Wembley cited the little-used rule that calls for a disqualification any time a wrestler or wrestler's entourage touches a PWL Legend in any way, shape, or form. Obviously, The Train is a PWL Legend, so the referee clearly had no choice but to declare The Terror to be the Loser.