FROM THE ARTHUR BREWSTER CENTER IN DU QUOIN, ILLINOIS.
THE TRAIN hit the ring for the initial interview with KERMIT THE FROG. Train informed Kermit that he will be victorious not only at WRESTLERAMA, but tonight in his handicap match. Train demanded that World champion THE TERROR come out for a staredown, but CAP'N CRUNCH walked out, with a pair of Terror's wrestling boots. Crunch yelled to Train that the boots were given to Terror by JOE THE GIANT himself, and that Terror has no time to talk to washed-up nobodies. Train slugged the Cap'n and sent him to the back screaming.
The matches began with World cruiserweight champion STARSHINE HIPPIE being challenged for the belt by ULTIMO PUERCO. As he had done a few weeks back, Starshine was able to turn back UP's challenge and pick up another successful title defense, this time catching UP with the SHSHoTP and subsequent submission in 11:46. Afterwards, Puerco grabbed the house mic and shouted about being held down for too long and that everybody in the PWL would be sorry, or something to that effect.
Backstage, Golem and Quartz attempted to unclog The Terror's toilet after accidentally flushing down a can of 7-Up. Also, Fat Albert ate a stick of butter and several crayons, and The Train led the panel of Zod, Rufus Van Pelt, Orko, and Cooleroy in a discussion on which of The Brady Bunch was grooviest. (They settled on "none of them.")
In the next match of the evening, DR. DEMENTIA and BAYI DEE SNIDER defeated BEN TRAYMOR and POTATO SALD JIMMY by pinfall in 5:58 when Dementia pinned PSJ.
For the North American tag titles, RUFUS VAN PELT and BILLY JO JIVE (with "Sweet" SUSIE SUNSET) defeated BIG HEAD GUY and FAT DUDE by countout in 4:27 when BHG and FD decided to stop wrestling a have a beer in the back. As RVP and BJJ's arms were raised, they were attacked from behind by THE FABULOUS HORNER BROTHERS, who unveiled their new secret weapon, the dreaded Turster Roaster. Needless to say, the champions scurried away at the mere sight of it. Butch Horner grabbed the mic and promised new Horner family members were on their way to the PWL.
Match Number Four: THE PIGGIES squared off against LONG SWEET LIPS, managed as always by MONDO MBAMBA. ROAD PIGG and FILTH E. PIGG had LSL on the run about nine minutes in when Mbamba signaled to the back, and some PWL Hangers-on wheeled out Mondo's Gimmix 2000. Mondo grabbed the mic and announced to the crowd, "All you dummies better stand to your feet, and show the proper respect to my latest creation. Ladies and gentlemen, SATCHMO HARASSMENT! Gimmix 2000 was opened, and out charged the man formerly known as Bill, but now is apparently the artist now known as Satchmo. Satchmo hit the ring and attacked The Piggies, thus ending the match. M. KLEATS, FOOT, and Satchmo left The Piggies lying in the ring a crumpled heap. As Pigg and Pigg leave, they were also heard to be muttering about needing a change.
Backstage, Orko and Skeletor played some pool and ate corn muffins that Mrs. Butterworth had baked for them as thanks for taking her old Atari off her hands. Cap'n Crunch saw the muffins and wanted one, but was attacked by Mrs. Butterworth. She explained that it wasn't just the muffins, it was for "that Terror-flunky jackass and his worthless line of cold cereals. It's idiots like Crunch that ruined breakfast-time, he don't care that it's our most imortant meal, that sawed-off, ignorant piece of dogcrap..." and Butterworth continued to rant as she was helped away by Skeletor and Orko.
BIG SID SMITH "The Neighborhood Bully" (with "Mean Old" MR. McMASTER) continued his winning ways, tonight upending former World champion HULK BIXBY with a belly-to-belly superplex in 6:37. Aftwerwards, Smith seemed to shout about nothing in particular, with McMaster simply nodding his head in agreement. Big Sid's only intelligible words were "magic red cowboy boots."
GRIMACE is apparently back, and he seems to be a heel. Still, that wasn't enough to squash HUMAN TORNADO, as the master of the rhyme thoroughly destroyed the Purple Menace in only 3:27. As Tornado celebrated his win, he was attacked by Big Sid Smith, who got in a few shots before running back to the dressing rooms.
COOLEROY made yet another successful defense of the North American heavyweight title, pinning former World champion SETH following an out-of-nowhere Tornado DDT in 18:46 for the victory. Both wrestlers engaged in a staredown following the match, in what was seen as a sign of respect from both wrestlers (Seth has been known to shy away from unnecessary physical contact, such as handshakes). This show of unbridled sportsmanship was ruined by another attack from Big Sid Smith. This time, he took shots at both Cooleroy and Seth until Human Tornado ran out, and all three men chased BSS to the back. This would lead us to believe that Smith is targeting the top-flight heavyweights in his continued assault on the PWL. It also leads us to believe that he didn't consider Grimace worthy of an attack, a sign that Grimace's stock is plunging in the PWL without his friend Ronald McDonald around to help.
Backstage, Terror watched adult programming on his portable satellite service (given to him as part of his PWL contract). Also, Boompaw swept the dressing rooms with a broom (given to him as part of his PWL contract). Zod, Non, and Ursa watch a copy of Return of the Jedi and laugh that "That Darth Vader didn't seem so tough that night we beat his ass in poker and drank them Stormtrooper losers under the table!"
In the extremely mixed tag team match, it was Women's World champion DARK ANGEL teamed with Midgets' World champion CAP'N CRUNCH against Greyskull, Incorporated, SKELETOR and ORKO. The Cap'n was still woozy from his attack by Mrs. Butterworth earlier in the evening, so Dark Angel did the considerate thing and made him start the match while she checked the crowd for a pizza vendor. Skeletor and Orko completely wrecked Cap'n Crunch, making him look about as bad as he did at the PWL Christmas Party last year. The Greyskullmen needed only 2:47 to ruin the Cap'n and win the contest, but they turned it into a extry-long beating lasting 13:29. The match concluded as Orko performed a moonsault off Skeletor's shoulders onto a groggy Crunch. On the plus side for Crunch, this is as close to the Main Event as he's ever gotten, and Dark Angel's slice of pizza was one of the best she's had at a PWL House Show.
For the World tag team championship, NC-17 continued to prove why they deserve to be programmed by the bookers into that slot atop the tag team rankings by knocking off former tag champions THE NEW ORDER. Zod and Non were still in a jovial mood, and that was the opening DIRK MERCURY and TRIPLE X needed. Still, TNO showed they were still able to put in a tough fight no matter what their attitude, as it took NC-17 a whopping 31:47 to pick up the victory and go home tired and cranky and in no mood for what they've been known to do after hours with the ladies, and that is go out and illegally hunt for camels on private farms in southern Illinois.
Backstage, Mrs. Butterworth and Cap'n Crunch attempted to settle their differences by playing a game of table tennis, but the match was called off when Fat Albert walked by and ate Crunch's hat. Also, several of the midgets sneaked into Terror's dressing room and watched some adult films on Terror's private television, but they were chased off by Boompaw and his broom.
In the two-on-one next-to-last-match, THE PILLARS OF PAIN (GOLEM and QUARTZ) fought The One, The Only, THE TRAIN. Train showed no signs of that always-dreaded ring rust, and was stomping away on the helpless Golem and Quartz when World heavyweight champion THE TERROR made his presence known and attacked The Train. The referee called for the bell, awarding Train the match by DQ in 12:14. As Train and Terror fought in the ring, out strolled FAT ALBERT, Terror's challenger for the World title. Albert joined in on the fun, helping Train battle Terror and POP in an unsanctioned brawl. Several referees were dispatched to the ring to end the insanity, but the five-man brawl was not to be interrupted. PWL President GENE WEST did everything he could think of, including turning the lights on and off really quickly, waving his arms in the air, blowing up a bag and popping it, and finally resorted to turning the hose on them. Gene West demanded that POP and Train leave the area so the World title match could take place. Terror reacted by slugging the President in the gut. West got up, threw his hands in the air, and wandered to back looking for his post-show Alka-Seltzer. The show ended without a World title match, but the unusual Du Quoin fans got what they paid to see, whatever that was.