WRESTLERAMA 13 RESULTS (April 4, 1999):

• In the opening  match, GRIMACE made a mockery of wrestling and his former self by taking on three midgets, THE HAMBURGLAR and two of THE FRY GUYS (the third Fry Guy is still on the shelf resulting from that horrific beating Grimace gave him several weeks ago).  Grimace thoroughly dominated this bout, taunting his opponents and the card throughout the match.  Grimace finished the disaster by pinning Hamburglar at 4:07 following an unneeded top-rope splash.  The brutality continued after the bell, as Grimace punched out the referee.  He was ready for another top-rope splash when, shockingly, RONALD McDONALD arrived, from the crowd, and jumped into the ring to save his old friends.  After much debate, Grimace jumped down to the ring and left, giving RMC the finger as he stormed off to the back.  As you may remember, Ronald was fired by the PWL last fall after appearing on a rival TV wrestling series.  While he is not under PWL contract at this time, the relationship between McDonald and the PWL has improved over the past few months, as this act of courage may be what brings him back to the league full-time.
• In Match #2, PWL newcomer ELIZA BLADE, already a target of PIT member DARK ANGEL, battled league mainstay ALICE THE GOON.  Alice, always a rugged foe, did indeed show a thing or two to Eliza about the rigors of a PWL career.  Alice planted Blade with a powerbomb as was ready to finish her off with her patented Goonsault.  The quick-on-her-feet Eliza, however, took advantage of the Goon's movements to the top, caught her, and jumped onto the mat with Alice's neck in her arm.  The two crashed to the mat with a loud thud, and with the top-rope neckbreaker, Eliza pinned Alice for the three.  Time of the contest was 6:12.
• The third match of the day featured two cruiserweights from "Across the Pond," VENOM and FILTH E. PIGG.  The fans were very enthused about this contest, as Venom and Pigg displayed their vast knowledge of scientific maneuvers and high-flying tactics.  Pigg had Venom on the run, catching him in a figure-four armlock, nearly causing the PWL newcomer to tap out.  Venom rebounded, and dazzled the Pigg-man and the crowd with a combination of a Tornado DDT, followed by an STF-style finisher.  Pigg, knowing he would live to fight another day, tapped out at 14:29, and the ref declared Venom the winner via submission.  In a display of sportsmanship rare in the PWL, the two combatants shook hands on a bout well done.  This was definitely a head-turner on both wrestlers' parts, as both Venom and Filth E. Pigg are sure to be in line for cruiserweight title shots in the near future.
• In a match to determine the new number one challengers for the tag team championships, the young, scrappy, and quite lewd NC-17 (DIRK MERCURY & TRIPLE X) battled former champions THE MIDNIGHT EXPRESS (BEAUTIFUL BIFF & SWEET SULLY).  This match was not as exciting as the cruiserweight battle, but it still had plenty of fan interest.  The fans, none too thrilled with either tandem, chose to root for the veteran Express team.  It proved to be an unwise choice, as Mercury and XXX double-DDT'd Sweet Sully, and Dirk pinned Sully for the three-count at 10:22.
• Match Five pitted Fat Albert Gang members DUMB DONALD and MUSH MOUTH against one another.  This feud, which was caused by Donald's infuriation that the fans mistook him for Mush Mouth, was to have been settled here at WR13.  About four minutes into the match, however, as the two were brawling on the outside, the lights went out.  They were off for about thirty seconds, all the while the sounds of a pummeling coming from the ring area.  When they came back on, both Donald and Mush were in thring, completely out cold.  The referee, who had no idea what had just happened (surprise, surprise), had no choice but to declare the match a no-contest at 4:39.
• The sixth match featured four heavyweights, COOLEROY, HUMAN TORNADO, SETH, and HULK BIXBY against one another in a match to determine a top contender to the North American heavyweight championship.  These four behemoths battled in and out of the ring, up and down the entranceway, in an all-out brawl, as each man wanted a shot at PWL gold.  In a controversial decision, Cooleroy emerged victorious, pinning Hulk Bixby at 13:55.  Seth protested this, claiming he had Human Tornado pinned a full ten seconds before the Cooleroy's pin.  The referee did not see Seth's pinfall attempt, though, and Cooleroy is the official winner of the four-way dance.
• The ropes came down, and the barbed wire went up, for the six-man, all Moondog super showdown.  THE MOONDOGS (FIDO & ROVER), MOONDOGS 2000 (SPORT & PRINCE), and ULTIMO MOONDOGS (SNOOPY & SCHULTZ), did battle in this brutal bout, brutal even for the PWL.  The fans were excited by this contest, as all six men ended up bloody and pummeled in the match.  As in previous matches between the 'Dogs, the originals ended up the victors, as Fido pinned both Snoopy AND Prince for the threes at 11:16.
• Intermission.
• The second half of the card featured the five championship battle.  In the contest for the Women's World title, champion URSA was challenged by DARK ANGEL.  Though the defending champion, Ursa was at a great disadvantage, as Dark Angel had her fellow PIT members watching her back.  Through underhanded tactics, as well as a great display of actual wrestling, the Angel was too much for Ursa to handle.  In 6:10, your winner, and NEW Women's World champion, DARK ANGEL!
• The "battle" for the Midgets' World championship was an abomination  Before the match officially began, challenger CAP'N CRUNCH spewed chewed-up Crunch Berries into champion MASCARITA DIABLO's face.  The bell rang, the evil Cap'n kicked Diablo in the stomach, and planted him with a Jackhammer-type move.  As Diablo writhed on the mat in agony, Crucnh kicked him in the head for good measure.  Then came the easy 1, 2, and 3.  In 24 seconds, your winner, and NEW Midgets' World champion, CAP'N CRUNCH!
• Following that putrid spectacle was a great battle for the World cruiserweight championship.  STARSHINE HIPPIE defended against the hated RUDY, de facto leader of the Fat Albert Gang.  The techniques between the two wrestlers was quite a contrast, as Hippie showed off his vast array of stylish submission holds and wear-down moves.  Rudy, true to form, proved he was a master of the illegal object and underhanded maneuver.  The champ had Rudy on the run when, at about the 13-minute point, BILL, BUCKEY, WEIRD HAROLD, and RUSSELL sauntered to ringside.  They proceeded to jaw with the referee in charge.  As this transpired, Rudy nailed Starshine with brass knuckles.  The referee turned around, and, not knowing what had happened, began the count.  1, 2, ... and the lights went out again!  As with the earlier incident, the sounds of brutality echoed from the ring, and when the light came back on, ALL Fat Albert Gang members were out cold!  Rudy inside the ring, Bill, Buckey, Harold, and Russell on the floor.  Starshine Hippie, a bit flustered, pinned Rudy's shoulders to the mat, and the ref counted 1, 2, 3!  In 15:01, your winner, and STILL World cruiserweight champion, STARSHINE HIPPIE!
• Next came the highly-anticpated matchup for the World tag team championship.  Defending tag kingpins STRIKE FORCE (BEAST & CARNAGE) took on PIT stablemates THE PILLARS OF PAIN (GOLEM & QUARTZ).  The champs were able to counter the PIT, as manager KHAINE was on hand to provide backup.  The blading began early in this match, as all four wrestlers attacked the opposing team head-on.  The weapon of choice in this match was the barbed wire used in the earlier tag team matchup.  Each wrestler was bloodied and severely beaten, but the fans demanded more action, and the teams were happy to oblige.  As Golem battled Carnage in the ring, Beast and Quartz assaulted each other on the outside.  The referee was having a difficult time calling the action, prompting Dark Angel and Cap' Crunch to attempt interference.  Khaine was ready for them, though, and punched out the Cap'n with one shot to the head.  As he was warning Dark Angel not to try anything on POP's behalf, out came JOE THE GIANT.  He grabbed Khaine from behind, and leveled him with a headbutt.  Dark Angel ran to ringside to grab the ref's attention.  As this happened, JTG waltzed into the ring and performed another trademark headbutt on Carnage.  He walked over the top rope and joined Quartz in his attack on Beast.  Golem, though shaken up by Carnage's beating, was able to maintain his composure and pinned Carnage for the 1, 2, 3!  In 15:49, your winners, and NEW World tag team champions, THE PILLARS OF PAIN!
• IT IS TIME.  THE MAIN EVENT OF THE EVENING.  ONE FALL, NO DISQUALIFICATION, FOR THE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP.  LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, CHALLENGER THE TERROR TAKES ON YOUR HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF THE WORLD, PLAGUE!  Plague entered the ring alone.  The Terror was backed up by his entire PWL PIT (minus Cap'n Crunch), as well as Joe the Giant.  Terror was able to catch the champion off-guard and gained the advantage in the early going, even getting a two-count on Plague.  At about the six-minute mark, however, Plague was able to rebound.  With the fans solidly behind him, Plague took charge, and threw Terror outside the ring.  The PIT was able to keep Terror focused and tossed him back in.  As JTG and the PIT looked on, Plague continued his domination of the challenger.  He readied Terror for a huge powerbomb, when the tag champions, the POP, entered the ring (No-DQ, remember).  The World champ was ready for them, though.  He put Terror down and started to pummel Golem and Quartz single-handedly.  This was enough of a distraction to give Terror another offensive advantage.  He placed Plague in quite a predicament, with a series of mat holds, thus keeping the big man off his feet.  Several two counts followed, and it seemed a new champion was on the horizon.  Just as he had earlier, however, the champion started Plague-a-sizing, Plague-ing up, if you will, as the crowd jumped to their feet to cheer their man on.  Plague blocked two punches, nailed Terror with, whipped him off the rope.  Then came the Big Boot, and Plague drops the leg!  1, 2, ...no, Terror won't be defeated that easily, brother!  Plague motions to the crowd for another powerbomb, when Joe the Giant jumps up to the ring apron.  Plague motions for him to enter the ring.  The Terror, with one last ounce of strength, hits a forearm to the back of Plague.  The champion stops taunting JTG, turns and stares down Terror.  BIG MISTAKE.  JTG enters, and nails THREE headbutts to the back of Plague's head.  The World champion falls to the ground in a heap.  Terror motions for Joe to help him get Plague in the deadly Terror Spike.  Sure enough, the World champion, though still conscious after the headbutts, is in no condition to withstand what awaits him.  Terror drags his thumb across his neck.  With JTG's assistance, he is able to left Plague OFF HIS FEET, and then... once again, THE LIGHTS GO OUT.  The fans, the announcers, the referee, they are all oblivious to what is going on in the ring.  All anybody can hear is someone, or something, being attacked.  Fans attempt to take pictures of this, with unknown results.  Then, as before, the house lights come back on after approximately thirty seconds.  On the mat, out cold, are Terror and Joe the Giant.  Plague is sitting in a corner of the ring, still woozy from his beating by Terror and JTG a minute or so before this.  Plague shakes the cobwebs out of his head, pulls Terror over, and is able to make the cover.  ONE, TWO, ... THREE!  In 21:33, your winner, and STILL World heavyweight champion, PLAGUE!  The referee hands Plague his World title belt, and Plague motions for the ring announcer to hand him the mic.  "Hey!"  Plague screams to nobody in particular.  "This crap has been going on all night!  I don't give a damn what you did earlier.  I also don't give a damn that you want to help me.  But this was a no-DQ match, you didn't have to pull the crap with lights here!  Whoever the hell you are, get your @$$ out here right now, and show yourself, dammit!"  And for the fourth time this evening, the LIGHTS GO OUT.  Same old, same old, beating is heard, nobody can see, thirty seconds.  This time, before the lights come back on, the microphone is grabbed from Plague.  The lights come back on, and a large man dressed entirely in black, complete with black mask, is in the ring with the microphone.  He says softly, "To the wrestlers, the fans, and everybody here in the PWL, I have only three words to say... HEY! HEY! HEY!"  The mask comes off, the music blares through the loudspeaker.  FAT ALBERT has returned to the PWL!  "All of you fools, all the perpetrators, all the jive turkeys runnin' my good, fat name through the mud...  Hey! Hey! Hey!  Fat Albert is Back TODAY!"  The fans jumped to their feet, and give the Fat Guy a huge reception, which he seemed to sincerely appreciate.  A stunning end to WrestleRama 13.  Fat Albert has returned, and he seems to have the entire organization after him.