The Apex Shawshankery
Nowhere Man's Rubber Soul
Ramblings of a Madman
The Forterss of Laziness
Someone liked my life so much they made a cartoon out of it.
6/1/00 "Win if you can, lose if you must, but always cheat." -Jessie "The Body" Ventura
Work consumes me much like a hungry man consumes a Quiznos.
The Lakers are up three to two. Normally this is where they would self-destrucy and blow it, but Zen Master Phil will lead them to victory much like a quadraped driving a truck after seeing his shadow and being abducted by a crazy TV weatherman who keeps living the same day over and over again.
Mission Impossible 2 Watch/ Enjoy- This movie absolutely sucked. I would give it zero stars, but I respect Metallica too much for that. So one quarter of a star is all it will get. There are so many problems with the script that it is mind blowing. The original MI was smart and fun to watch as the plot unraveled. This one has a bad guy who doesn't know what he has stolen, and when he figures it out he plans to blackmail a company CEO for stock option. That is not a typo, I said stock options. It only gets more absurd from there as this thirty seven minute film (two hours using slow motion) goes steadily downhill. A few questions and I will leave this one alone:
Why did the government entrust the future of the planet to three men, two of which can't even do their jobs?
If a man is smart enough to highjack a plane, doesn't he know that shares of stock can be traced and that the government would stop such actions?
Why did Tom Cruise have a mask of himself in the chemical compound? Why?
School is a memory, Tunica is a money vacumn, and Smackdown is minutes away. I will return later.
5/5/00 I will have my revenge, in this life or the next.
I will start out by saying that I do not like Angelfire's new set-up. I hate having to do more work.
I am sitting here watching battle of the child geniuses seeing ten year olds who are smarter than I am and I realize that no matter how good I become at something, someone will always be better at it than me. Except for one thing: laziness. If I set my mind to it, I can become the laziest person in the world. My new slogan: Just Don't Do It. As a side note, I am not threatened by the children because I could easily open a can of whoop ass on their combined persons.
Nitro (or Raw Lite as I call it) was not bad, but they just don't have the execution that the WWF has made its trademark. Keep working boys and one day you can achieve mediocrity.
Gladiator: Roger said Gladiator was Badiator. I disagree. Gladiator was like the old Rockers tag team. When its good its good, when its bad its better. Sure everyone likes Maximus for loving his kids and wanting to see his friends set free, but we all secretly just want to see him going hog wild with two swords and strong pimp-hand. Gladiator is a well concieved plot and the acting is great for what it needs to be. Special effects are top notch, especially the opening battle, which vaguely resembled Star Wars. However, things really pick up when Maximus and his Super Globetrotters go into killing overdrive. It is like the WWF, only better because we can actually see the death blow, but know that no one is really getting hurt. The one detraction is that some of the dream sequences are a little confusing and seem out of place. A flaw, but I can live with it. The main problem is that the killing parts of this movie are better standing alone than the overall picture. So even when things are happening in the plot, it seems like its a crawling pace because no one is getting double fisted sword trauma to the cranial cavity. It actually left me hoping for more scenes in the Collesium. So this movie gets three and a half stars in the theater and four when it is rented on DVD and we can watch the fight scenes over and over again along with an hour of extra footage.
Someone tell Chris Carter to follow David Duchovny's example and get off the ship before it sinks, if it hasn't already.
4/25/00 They wanna ban us on Capital Hill because its "die mothafucka, die mothafucka, still".
Bold Predictions Unbound
The Blues will lose tonight, tomorrow KFNS will stop taking calls around 9:30 AM.
The Spurs will also lose tonight marking the beginning of the end for Timmy D in San Antonio. Will he remember the Alamo? Only if it is on the thousand dollar bill.
After seeing and reading some more about Gladiator, it will be the biggest movie of the summer. Yet no one will care because it will be dwarfed by coverage of who will play Anakin in the new Star Wars movie. The script is done and shooting begins soon.
Enough with the crystal ball. After another Viewing of Licesne to Kill, I have decided that Timothy Dalton isn't all that bad as James Bond. He is still the worst of the Bonds, but that is like saying RotJ is the worst SW film.
I will finish with seven words on Elian Gonzalaz (if that is spelled wrong I don't really care): Quit wasting my tax dollars on him.
4/12/00 Anytown, USA
It would be so easy to make fun of the title of the movie Ready to Rumble. You could go with Ready to Stumble or Not Quite Ready to Rumble. I will take the Yoda route and call it Unfotunate That Not Ready for the Burden Were You. This one could have been a winner if they had done more wrestling and less of everything else that they did. It basically boils down to watching a bad Nitro. I can do that at home for free. I don't want to have to pay for it. David Arquette is probably the best thing about this movie, but that is saying very little. Everyone else seems like they got the script five minutes before shooting, which was probably when the script was just being finished. Oliver Platt has his moments, but thirty seconds in a two and a half hour movie does not make for a good performance. At least the ending was decent considering how bad the build up to it was. Overall I give one half of a star to this very poor effort.
Happy Birthdays go out to numero one and numero dos. I drank a 64oz. Monster Margarita for the both of you.
Finally, Office Space DVD is about as close as I can come to steping outside of my body and watching my own life. Four stars all the way. Time to go zone out for a few hours.
4/9/00 Somebody wake up Hicks.
Another year older, another year wiser. Well at least another year older.
SWEOTPM Video: Just like when I saw it in the theaters, only now I can rewind and watch again. Four stars.
Pokemon Stadium: The essential item for any pokemaniac. Everypokemon is there at your fingertips waiting for you to command it. There are also nine mini games that are about as much fun as you can have in a sushi restaurant. This one is four stars all the way.
Spoke with Joliet Jake the other night at a Swarm game and he confirmed that it is the lack of respect that hurts the most, besides the other thing.
The worst way to lose in pool? Getting beat with the bridge when it wasn't even necessary to use it. Ouch.
4/2/00 When someone asks you if you are a god, you always say yes.
Yes it appears to have been awhile, but in reality that was Angelfire's fault, not mine.
ST:TNG Thought: In last nights episode The Outcast, all I kept thinking was how much of a pussy Riker was being. Grow some testicles son!
Americam Beauty: Going in I had this one pegged as 4 stars. Coming out, I wondered how this one got best picture. Kevin Spacey was excellant and deserved to be best actor. Everyone else was horrible. I cannot think of one frame of this film where I was not wishing for an arrow to fly through Annette Benning's head killing her instantly. I will give it some extra points for trying to add topless female minors to mainstream films. I doubt it will catch on but I still repsect it. Three stars based on Spacey and the bold young ladies.
Beyond the Mat: When I think of what goes into a good movies, usually it involves lightsaders, but wrestling is a close second. Who doesn't like watching Mick Foley getting hit in the head with a chair 11 straight times? And New Jack? He is America's next great hero. Not perfect because the director tried to make himself too much of a part of the movie so it slips down to 3 1/2 stars.
I for one am glad Kevin Johnson is back. I always liked him.
The secret to getting an A on your Management Policy Test: use Sandpiper Airlines from the TV show Wings as an example.
Play It to the Bone: Run away! Run Away! This is a lesson on how to screw up a boxing movie. Step one: Hint that one or both of the lead boxers are gay. Step 2: Make the lead female boring, dumb, and unlikable. Step C: Make Robert Wagner a bad guy even though he will be the most well-liked character in the movie. Step Nth: Turn it into a roadtrip buddy movie. Zero stars because you can't get any lower.
Spring Break: A Look Back
PART 1- Chicago
ESPN Zone is a top notch restaurant. I recommend the pizza. Nice decorations as well.
If I could live in DisneyQuest I think I would be a little happier when I wake up every morning. Worth the price of admission just for unlimited Star Wars Trilogy Arcade Game.
Other noteworthy places of interest are the Virgin music store, FAO Swartz, and Nike Town.
PART 2- Minneapolis
The Mall of America is a trip in itself. After walking the whole thing you feel like Steve Prefontaine. So many stores. There are actually stores that only sell magnets and holograms. Plus there is a nice amusement park in the middle of the thing and a small Sea World at one end. I compare it to a Dison Sphere with a big Lego Store (speaking of which, has anyone seen the new SW lego commercials? best I have ever seen).
Star Wars Magic of Myth Exhibit at the Minneapolis Institue of Arts was the highlight of the trip. Just to stand next to pieces of history is a true delight. Models, costumes, storyboards, it had it all.
Finally the Minnesota Timberwolves was an enjoyable experience at the target center. For ten bucks you got to see the game plus you got up to two free hats and a free shirt. What a deal!
One final commentary. John has dubbed his two new affiliates NTLFT3: The New Class. I can't help but be reminded of Saved by the Bell: The New Class. They had Bayside and Mr. Belding, but it never quite measured up to the original. Lets hope that isn't the trend that will be followed here.
2/29/00 Worlds are colliding!
This update was deleted in last Angelfire Purge. But since it only comes along once every four years, I am reinstating it.
Email: empire4878@aol.com
