# 27- King of the World
For all of you who read my column while on the toilet, imagine this. You're walking on a beach and two beautiful women are sun bathing topless and they call you over to be the judge in a competition between them for who has the firmest breasts. So you oblige, and the one you declare to be the winner is very taken with you, you relax and become very personable and funny. She tells you that she has a brother who is an executive at MTV and that she'll get you an audition for a VJ. You do it and you kill, you're so funny and witty that they start you right away and the next thing you kow you're a household name. Soon Hollywood producers are calling your agent, saying you're perfect for their various movies. You do one and it's not just a success, but it eclipses Titanic. Now you're the hottest property in Hollywood and have your choice of scripts. A few movies later you're rich, and since you've always wanted to direct now you're making movies and America thinks you are a genius and you probably are, but something's nagging at you. You were born to lead, you can heal not only a nation's wounds but the world's. You hop from congress to the senate and within eight short years are a candidate for President of the United States of America. That November, no larger landslide was ever recorded in American Presidential History and the following eight years are the shiniest and happiest the world has ever known. You're not only popular in America but loved globally. By this time the UN will actually have global authority and who else to lead it but you, and at the young age of forty you rule the entire world. You are the most brilliant person who has ever lived. It is at this time that earth is attacked by aliens and it's your moment of truth. It is up to you to save the world. You are coordinating a valiant defense but these aliens are just too advanced and they are getting the better of you. And then on the eve of the final showdown you appear live on all available media so even the aliens can hear you, and proceed to deliver the most moving, profound, beautiful speech ever heard by occupants of any planet in the universe. The next morning the aliens send a special envoy to you declaring peace, because your speech has changed their evil aggressive ways for good. They end up sharing with earthlings their many advances, not least among them immortality and the ability to fly. Earth is now a virtual paradise because of you. You are beyond belif... Now wipe your stinking ass and get back to reality you loser. Your friend, Sean Landers
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