i guess this doesn't qualify as a poem. i guess it's more of a sick of this bullshit rant. but i hate the word rant it just makes me mad so i'm not gonna call it that and you brats out there better not call it that either. i'm really sad tonite and i don't know what to do with myself. i thought i'd see my version of "him" tonite but i didn't. maybe tomorrow though, huh? keep your chin up, you're a good kid. i guess we just all resent something. how courtney resents tori even though i'm not sure why. we could all learn things from each other. all i want in life is a best friend who happens to be a boy who happnes to live next door to me and when i'm having nights like this one, i'd just climb in his window and sleep in his arms. i'm tired of things. i'm tired of how things are for me. well not for me, but just how i make them. cause i don't think they're really like that, i just make them out to be. and i don't want to go to work tomorrow night either. cause i wanna quit my job and change my lyrics and change my clothes and my house and my change my mind. i want to wanna go to school to learn and not to see chris. and not wake up just for him. i've realized, the past 8 months i've been living off him. and now he seems gone to me. he was never really mind but in my way he was.

i had a northern lad, well not exactly had

and i know my friends are more than annoyed with it but sometimes it's like i wonder how i can even call these people my friends. i don't even like most of them. Katie is the only girl i can stand anymore besides the ones i don't see everyday. anna is my confidant. i love her more than anyone. and caroline too. they know me. i didn't even have to tell them, they just knew. they know everything. but it's like how long can you keep that up? how long can i keep up all this bullshit anyways? i wish this is the real me. i'm not sure if it is, but it has been for the past you know, 2 years. It's always been Shane it's always been chris. it was always niki but now katie's the only girl i like to be around. she's the only one i can find even a small amount of TRUST BLOOD in. it's always been shane it's always been chris i'm so scared of everything though. my fear just builds up until i want to kill it all, until i wanna kill chris and adam. but i practice nonviolence. i haven't hit anyone for 2 years. it's a love hate relationship. i love him and hate him with everything i have. cause he just doesn't understand why i'm like this and he doesn't try to help me. do you think that's all i want from him? just help? so i'm not lonely? cause that's all i'm scared of. i hate to be alone. like ronnie. i love ronnie i don't want him to be alone cause he's scared when he's alone, so we just watch yankee's games all day when we should be practicing. i wish i could give chris a ring. of any sort. cause maybe he's just FUCKING STUPID. and he DOESN'T UNDERSTAND GIRLS or he doens't understand me. cause i guess i'm not a girl in the traditional sence of the word. but i miss him. i love him. i'm scared of him. i'd die for it. i crave it. i love it. i want it.
but i just want him to be happy