Zac had the lightest load. He had 5 days worth of clothing, a couple ties for his hair, 3 pairs of shoes, and his walkman.

Jeremy's load was somewhat larger, he had brought more clothing, more shoes, tapes, books, almost as if they would be gone for over a week.

Mercy's load had to be the largest. Like she had to take her whole room. She had clothing so she could change three times per day, at least, all her cosmetics, several pairs of shoes, some trinkits and such, books, tapes, CD's, stuffed animals, and what not were crammed into about four bags.

"Uh, Mey, we aren't moving."

She shot a dirty look at Dorin.

"You never know what your going to need."

Jeremy smiled. He knew his sister would make her quarter of the hotel room as homey as she could, and make him and his brothers feel like shmucks for pestering her about it.

"Zac, are you ready yet?"

Zac sat on the sofa, staring straight ahead at nothing. The Tv wasn't on, so what was he staring at?

"Zac? What are you doing?"

"SSSShhh! You'll spoil it!"

Dorin raised an eyebrow.

"Zac...."

"SSSSSSSHHHHHHHH!"

Dorin sat in silence, wondering to himself why he was doing so.

Finally Zac stood up.

"What was that all about?"

Zac smiled at Dorin.

"I was just making the memory of the entertainment system, the feel of the couch, and the look of the general surroundings sink in."

"Zac, we're not going to be gone that long."

"Oh, I know, but when we have more money than madonna then we won't have the same furniture."

Dorin smiled. Jeremy's chuckle could be heard from the car.

"Come on Zac, you goof."

Zac walked to the car, stopping at the sidewalk and turning around.

Dorin finished locking the front door and walked to Zac.

"Lemme guess, 'just remembering this house cause the new one's gonna be so much bigger.'?"

Zac looked at him.

"how'd you guess!!"

Dorin rolled his eyes.

"Would ya just get in the car?"

"Since it's you who asked Dorin, I will. But for no one else."

Jeremy opened the passengers door to allow Zac in.

Zac squeazed into the back seat, three backpacks took up the floor space, and Mercy sat on the other half of the car. Jeremy in the front seat, Dorin driving.

"So we ready?"

Dorin had shut his door, and was twisted around to see Mercy and Zac.

"Awww man, I gotta pee."

Dorin looked panicked for a minute, until a huge smile broke out on Zac's face.

"Dude, it was a joke."

Dorin looked relieved. He turned around, started the engine, and looked at Jeremy.

"Here's to nothin'"

Mercy had imediatly put on her walkman, listening to one of her tens of favorite groups. She wouldn't be much company until they got there.

Dorin and Jeremy had struck up a conversation, no very interesting, but it was still there. They talked about what not, the school day, what was for dinner. They decided they would just have to see what was around.

"Hey door, I was just wondering, where are we gonna sleep tonight?"

There was silence.

"I mean, we could stay in the car, it's a little crammed, but we could."

"Zac, I think we have enough extra cash.."

"Door, we can't spend the extra stuff! Noway! that's like, our money for fun. We have to keep that."

Zac had a sound of resistance in his voice. He wasn't going to stay in a hotel room this night. No sirie. He would sleep in the car, even if he ended up being someone's matress.

"Zac, we'll see when we stop okay."

"Okay."

Zac turned out the window again. He could not help but think where this would take them. He had earlier thought about how he had changed, and had wondered if it was for real, or, if he himself had been putting on some sort of show. He hadn't quite understood what was so important in the whole social thing. He still didn't like people that much. Still couldn't stand them. He remembered the night when he and Dorin had gotten into it. What a night. What a night he wished he could forget. Emotion had been bound up inside, and then suddenly released, and now, he did not know what to do. It was all gone, and he almost felt ashamed that he just let his feelings out anymore. That he told everyone what they wanted to hear. He didn't like the idea. Then, like it was some sort of urgent need, that he had to do it, he just asked.

"Door, why'd you hit me?"

Silence then struck the car as though it was forbiden to speak. Zac had no idea why he had asked that, he just had. It had felt like something he needed to do.

Jeremy turned around at him, he sat still for a minute. A scowl appeared on his face.

"ZAC!" Even though no one could hear it, Zac could make out the words well enough.

"WHAT ARE YOU THINKING!"

Zac shrugged. He really, had no idea why this thought had popped up. And now, he was sorry it had.

Mercy had pulled her headphones off at Jeremy's angry gestures.

"Well, I mean, why Zac?"

"Never mind."

Zac stared back out the window.

"Zac I don't know what you mean."

At that point it was obvious Zac had struck a very sensitive vein. Dorin's quavering voice told him that, despite this force that had made him say it, he should have held it back no matter what.

"Sorry door, never mind."

"Not that easy Zac."

Zac took a deap breath. He had not meant any harm by it. He was now sure that he had made a big mistake.

"I just mean, like, well, why did you hit me? I mean, wasn't there some other thing you could have done?"

Jeremy had turned back to the front, and stared out the window, not wanting to be any part of this conversation, even though he already was. Mercy had elbowed Zac hard in the side, hard enough to make him wince.

"Good goin'."

He could hear it just barely. It was under her breath.

Great. Now he had hurt Dorin's feelings, and made jeremy and mercy mad at him, all unintentionally.

"Zac. I can't explain okay. Just irrationality I guess."

Zac thought for a minute. He didn't know why, he just didn't stop. Like, he was on a roll searching for something, and the devil was making him keep going.

"Oh no, I don't think it was irrationality."

Uh oh. Zac knew where this was leading, and despite himself, didn't like it at all. What the hell was the matter with him?

There was a pause from the front seat. Zac could see Jeremy look at Dorin briefly, and then turn back to Zac. He scowled. Not one of those menacing scowls, but a scowl that meant he was really mad. A fear striking scowl.

"Zac, I wasn't thinking."

Zac fought as hard as he could to hold it back. No luck.

"Yeah you were."

Damit. Damnit. Damnit. Zac squeezed his eyes shut, curled up his mouth and said, 'zac you ass.'

Mercy's elbow dug in deep. Right Zac's rib. She looked at him. Her lips drawn into a tight line. She leaned over to him.

"I'm whoopin' your ass as soon as Dorin's out of the car."

Zac knew that neither Jeremy or Dorin had heard her, and was almost glad. Then again, he was scared. He knew Mercy wasn't joking, and she would take a piece of his hide to Denver.

"What's that sposed to mean Zac?"

"Door, just pull over please."

"No."

"Dorin, please pull the car over."

"No. Why."

Zac was getting panicked. His sister, who was not 3 feet away, was extremely angry at him, Jeremy, who would kick zac's ass for merely scratching one of his CD's or something, was right up front, and he had hurt Dorin's feelings tremendoulsy. He was screwed.

"Please Dorin just do it."

Zac knew he was in a bad situation. He knew he had just started a hecktic argument that would either come now, or when they got to the hotel. In either event, he had started it, why, hell, he didn't know. He didn't even know why he had been thinking about it.

"Dorin, I need out, just let me out for a minute."

The car stayed on the road.

"Door, Please!"

Tears could almost be heard in Zac's voice. He wanted out, wanted out bad.

"Door, come on. Please, just this."

"Fuck this Zac."

The car swerved to a large flat area off the road. The sun was going down, and the wind was warm. Jeremy was the first out of the car, then mercy, and then Zac. Mercy climbed back in, brushing Zac quite hard as she finagled her way into the back seat, and moving across the back to the far side. Jeremy slammed the passengers seat back, and climbed in. Slamming the door behind him.

They're gonna drive off and leave me if I go anywhere, even for just a short walk. I know they will.

Zac took a deep breath. He turned around and looked out at the small rolling hills of oklahoma. He started walking. He needed a breather, away from his siblings, and then, he would be back, and if they had not already left, he would get in the car, and they would either go back home, or to Denver.

He started walking. He almost expected the car to start up and turn around, it didn't however. Just sat there. Zac kept walking.

"Door, you okay?"

Mercy looked concerned.

"yeah, I'm fine."

By this time it was dark. The wind had picked up, and it had gotten somewhat cooler.

"I wonder where Zac is."

Jeremy looked at Dorin, a little shocked.

"Uh, Door, this is the only kid that makes you cry, the only thing I've seen that caves you in, and yet, your now asking 'where is he?', man, I don't get you."

Dorin looked up.

"Jem, I'm sorry, I care for him, is that okay?"

Jeremy was somewhat taken aback.

"I would just feel like knocking the crap out of him, I do feel like knocking the crap out of him for this little stunt today."

"You don't get it Jem, maybe that's what he's anticipating. Ever think, that maybe he says that stuff because of our reactions? Maybe he's just testing us?"

Mercy stirred in the back seat.

"Lemme out."

Jeremy looked at her.

"Lemme out, I'm going to go find him."

Jeremy opened the door and got out, popping the seat forward so Mercy could get out.

"Mey..."

"I'll be back in a while."

Jeremy looked at Dorin. Dorin looked back.

"Should we follow?"

"Nope."

Zac twisted around, looking up at the illuminated figure.

She came towards him. He was up in a hearbeat.

"You are one little shit. You deserve to be chained and not fed for a month."

Zac looked at the yellow grass at his feet.

"What is this? Are you intent on making Dorin feel like shit? Is this a goal of yours? You know, he was so excited about this trip, he wanted us all to get together, do this as a group. Do you know how fuckin' hard that is with you around?"

He was struggling the feeling in his stomach.

"I was listening to you in the car. My god Zac, is this some hobby you have?"

Damn, he couldn't give into this.

"I can't believe that you're my brother."

Zac looked at her.

"Why the hell is it always my fault? Not like your a perfect angel. Oh I forgot, your the girl in the family, you can do no wrong."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"You blame me for anything that goes wrong in our house, I know you do! I can hear you explain it all to Jeremy. I'm so important to this family. Bull shit!"

Zac walked further away from Mercy. Looking out at the now black, sky.

"I don't get you. What do you want from me. Do you know how I feel? Do you see me? Obviously not."

"Oh, hell Zac. Sure, I don't understand you at all. Nope, I just lived with you for 12 years, wouldn't know you at all."

Zac turned around to meet her eyes.

"YOU. YOU lived with me for 12 years? No you didn't. You've actually known me for maybe 6 years of my life. You gave a damn about everything else."

"Oh hell, now what is this?"

"You left me with him every single time you left that house! I was too much of a god damn problem to take with you anywhere!"

"That has nothing to do with it."

"Bullshit it didn't. You seem to think that everything that happened, I should just brush away."

"Well you don't need to bring it up every freakin second. It didn't ruin your life Zac."

"I don't bring it up! I only bring it up when you say stupid things to me, things that actually matter to me Mercy."

She paused.

"You can't get away with all this Zac."

"Are you not hearing me! I'm not trying to get away with anything."

"Why'd you say it to door?"

"Honest to god I don't know."

Mercy was silent.

"Your such an ass."

She turned around and walked away. Just like that. After all that. She just turned away. Bitch.

As soon as she was far enough away, Zac crumpled to the ground. He didn't know why he had said what he had said, it was indescribable, but he had said it, and he had caused more stress. He didn't want to confront any of them. No, he sure as hell didn't. He knew he had to though, and that's what counted.