Question: What was Noah's biggest problem on the ark?
A pastor went visiting one afternoon. He knocked on one
door several times, but no one answered. He could see though the window that the
television was on, so he took one of his cards, wrote "Revelations
3:20" on it and stuck it in the door. (Revelations 3:20 says, "Behold,
I stand at the door and knock; if anyone will open, I will come in.) The
following Sunday, a woman handed him a card with her name and the following
message: "Genesis 3:10". ("I heard thy voice and I was naked, so
I hid myself.
Question: Why does a golfer wear two pair of pants?
Teacher - Katherine, use the word handsome in a
sentence.
The following are actual excerts from classified ads in
the city newspaper:
- Illiterate? Write today for free help?
- Auto repair Service. Free pickup and delivery. Try us
once, you'll never go anywhere again.
- Our experienced mum will care for your child. Fenced
yards, meals, and smacks included.
- Dog for sale: eats anything and is very fond of
children.
- Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be
willing to travel.
- Stock up and save. Limit: one.
- Semi-Annual after-Christmas sale.
- Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round
bottom for efficient beating.
- Dinner special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25;
Children $2.00.
- For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick
legs and large drawers.
- Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get
an extra pair to take home, too.
- We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it
carefully by hand.
- Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.
- Vacation special: have your home exterminated. Get
rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.
- Toaster: A gift that every member of the family
appreciates. Automatically burns toast. - Used cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here
first.
- Christmas tag sale. Hand made gifts for the
hard-to-find person.
- Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not drink
or smoke.
- And now, the superstore unequaled in size, unmatched
in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
- We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in
your home for $1.00.
Deacon Brown was repainting their little white country church.
He soon realized that there was more church to cover than there was paint in the
bucket, so he added some water to stretch the supply. After he finished painting
and was cleaning the brush, it suddenly began to rain and the diluted paint ran
down the walls of the church. There was a loud clap of thinder followed by a
voice from above that boomed, "Repaint, and thin no more."
A high school senior said to his father in January, "Dad,
for graduation this spring, I think I deserve a new car. "His father
thought a minute and replied, "Son, I'll get you that new car if you do
three things - bring up your grades, read the Bible more and get a
haircut." In May, just before graduation, the son asked his father,
"How am I doing? Am I going to get a new car?" "Son, you've
brought your grade average up from a 'C' to an 'A'. That's great," answered
the father. "I've also noticed you've been studying the Scriptures now and
then, and that's wonderful. But you still haven't cut your hair."
"But, Dad," retorted the son, "while studying the Bible, I
noticed Moses is always depicted in the illustrations having long hair. Even
Jesus had long hair." "That's true," the father replied.
"But you must remember that was then and this is now. You must also
remember that Moses and Jesus walked everywhere they went...and you will, too,
if you don't cut your hair."
A farmer went to the doctor for a physical examination. The
doctor found him fit as a fiddle - no problems with his heart or any other
ailment. But as the farmer left the doctor's office, he dropped dead right
outside the door. The nurse ran in and told the doctor, "That man you just
examined died on his way out! What shall I do?" The doctor replied,
"Quick! Go out and turn him around so it looks like he was coming in!"
A preacher sold a horse to a cowboy. After they'd agreed on a
price, the preacher explained that the horse had become quite religious after
being ridden for so many years by a man of the cloth. "To get the horse to
go, all you have to do is say, 'Praise the Lord'," the preacher explained.
"And to get him to stop, you simply say, 'Amen'." Later, the cowboy
jumped into the saddle to ride the horse home and said, "Giddap!" The
horse didn't budge. Then he remembered and said, "Praise the Lord!"
With that, the horse took off at a gallop. Faster and faster he went - straight
for a cliff. Again the cowboy forgot the code words and yelled, "Whoa!
Whoa!", but the horse wouldn't stop. As the horse was about ready to go
over the cliff, the cowboy figured he was going to meet his Maker, so he bowed
his head in quick prayer and finished with "Amen". At that, the horse
skidded to a stop, just 2 feet from the edge of the cliff. The cowboy looked
down at the jagged rocks far below and, relieved that his life had been spared,
yelled, "Praise the Lord!"
An insurance agent was questioning a farmer who had applied
for a policy, and asked, "Did you ever have an accident?"
"Nope," said the farmer. "Then you've never been hurt?"
asked the insurance man. "Well, a dog bit me once," replied the
farmer, "but that was no accident - that dog was mean and he definitely did
it on purpose."
A fellow showed up at church on Sunday morning with his ears painfully blistered. After services, the concerned preacher asked, "What in
heaven happened to you?" "I was lying on the couch yesterday afternoon
watching a ball game on TV and my wife was ironing nearby," the man
explained. "I was totally engrossed in the game when she left the room,
leaving the iron near the phone. The phone rang, and keeping my eyes glued to
the television, I grabbed the hot iron and put it to my ear." "So how
did the other ear get burned?" the preacher asked. "Well, I had no
more than hung up and the guy called again."
A local farmer came into the hardware store one morning and
announced that he'd lost $20,000 in the stock market that morning. "Good
grief," one of the other locals said, "how did you do that?"
"Well," replied the farmer, "the hog market went way up and I
didn't have any to sell."
Someone stole Baby Jesus from the manger on the lawn. When the preacher came
to church, he found the baby gone. He said with anger in his sermon that the
baby had been taken. His faith in human kind had certainly been shaken. After
church, still breathing flames, like a literary dragon, he met Tommy on the
sidewalk playing with a new red wagon. Tommy was so happy it thawed the
preacher's heart. But what he saw inside the wagon gave him quite a start.
"It was you stole Baby Jesus, what an evil thing to do!" Tommy said, "But
Pastor, I thought everybody knew. I asked Jesus for this wagon," as he patted
it with pride.
I told him if I got it I would let him have first ride!
Answer: Those two hungry termites.
Answer: Because he might get a hole in one.
Katherine - Please handsome gum to me.
Teacher - No! Try again. use the word income in a sentence.
Katherine - I open the dog and income the dog.
Teacher - No! Your are hopeless! I'll give you 1 more try. Use the word ransome
in a sentence.
Katherine- I saw a skunk and ransome distance away.
- For rent: 6 bedroom hated apartments.
~ A DAY AT THE RACES ~
A man dies and goes to Heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates.
St.Peter says, " Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into Heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in. "
" Okay, " the man says, " I was married to the same woman for fifty years and never cheated on her, even in my heart. "
" That's wonderful, " says St. Peter, " thats worth three points ! "
" Three points ? " he says, slightly concerned.
" Well I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service. "
" Terrific ! " says St. Peter. " That's certainly worth a point. "
" One point ! / ! " he moans, now really getting worried.
" I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans. "
" Fantastic, that's good for two more points, " he says.
" Two points ! " the man cries. " At this rate the only way I can get into Heaven is by the grace of God ! "
St. Peter nods and says,
" Bingo, 100 points ! Come on in my son ! "
