BSB in China

At the Hong Kong airport…

Brian: Thank you Jesus for having us safely land here in Hong Kong.

Nick: Shut up pansy! You should thank ME because I controlled myself from not eating any of da airplane’s food for the other passengers!

AJ: Blubberbutt’s gotta point there, Brian…

Brian: Well Jesus helped Nick control himself. So Nick shouldn’t be getting all the credit.

Howie: Aight aight let’s quit this fightin’ now, k? Hey check it out! The custom’s guy is pretty darn hot! I wonder if he likes Latinos like me!

Customs Inspector: Hello. Please excuseh my English. For I am a Chinese.

Howie: (smiling at the dude) Mmm hmmm :o) I find your voice… SEXY…

Customs Inspector: Sexy? I’m sexy?

Howie: :o) Mmm hmmmm :o) *wink wink wink wink

Kevin cutting in: Aight guys cut it out now let’s go let’s go.

Customs Inspector: Wait wait! Before you go, I must check your luggage, oh curly troll

Howie: What a sexy name to call me.. here. Go ahead look inside.

Customs Inspector looks in: OH!! You have one of these too?? Me too! I have!! My cousin move to America, and he send me this from Clinique! I have the red one! I like this pink one. It’s so you.

Howie: Hey now… don’t embarrass me! Put that back in! Quick!

The BSB go to the other immigration sections and other junk. Then they come to the Baggage Claim.

Kevin: OK you guys, look for your suitcases and what not. If you see it, pull it out. Load em in this cart.

AJ and Brian grab their suitcases and load them onto the card. Howie’s running around like an idiot going around and around unable to grab his suitcase.

AJ: Yo Nick whatcha got there?? I didn’t know you brought over a box!

Nick walks over to AJ trying to carry a big brown box: Well I just wanted this one so I took it!

Brian slaps him across the head: You dumbass! This ain’t yours! Put it back! (He reads the box) “Handle With care… several squishy Twinkies inside” ??? NICK! I thought you were over the Twinkies!! Come on put it back you weirdo!

Nick sighs and puts it back.

Kevin: Someone needs to help poor Howie. Look at him…

Brian helps pull out Howie’s suitcase and they leave. Meanwhile, Howie is amazed at how sweet Brian was to him, and is developing a new crush.

Howie thinking to himself: …I think he likes me…(walking down the airport dreamily following the rest of the guys) …He has to like me… I mean he care enough to get me my suitcase… He’s so nice! I wonder if we’ll ever be together. (He walks right into a wall):SLAM!: Ouch…

AJ: Dude, I gotta piss badly. Where’s the restrooms? Wait- where's da 'zche swouh' heh heh hey dudes I can speak Chinese heh heh.

AJ asks one of the Chinese men in the airport and is led to a bathroom. The guys go in and have a blast.

Nick: Wuh?? …This place is messed up! I have to take a crap in this hole in the ground????? What’s with these squatty toilets?? Don’t they have Western styles??

AJ: Sorry Nick. Squat and leave it, or crap and smear it. It’s up to you.

Nick: Merrarr! … OH I guess I’ll… give these toilets a chance..

Nick takes a stall (5 minutes), and finally comes out to the urinals. AJ, Brian, Kevin, and Howie are taking a piss in the urinals.

Nick looking onto Brian: Hehe..Brian.. yours is .. cute…

Brian: Man! What are you lookin’ at gayboy! Turn the other way!

Nick turns to Kevin: Kevin… ..hehe… yours is funny looking…

Kevin pretends he didn’t hear Nick and continues his business.

Nick looks past Brian onto Howie: DUDE!!! YOURS IS MESSED UP!!! WHAT HAPPENED???

Howie hesitates for an answer then he replies: Uh..I .. I walked into that wall earlier remember?? I had a boner! It got messed up!.…

Nick: Oh. ……………….

Nick to AJ: AJ?? Where’s yours?????

AJ: I’m hiding it…

Nick: How come I don’t hear you?

AJ: Cuz…… I piss silently… So why ain’t you pissing?

Nick: Oh,. Hmhm :o) I.. I don’t need to go

AJ: . . .K whatever dude.

The guys jiggle it, zip up and walk out without washing their hands.

They get a taxi and leave the airport. Inside the taxi…

AJ: Yo driver, we want you…

Driver: WHAT??

AJ: Chill man. We want you to drive us to a hotel. Any hotel.

Driver: OH!… Ok sure.

Nick places his hand on Brian’s knee

Brian shoves it off: Quit it man

Nick makes a sad face, and then puts his hand on Howie’s knee.

Howie looks at Nick. He smiles at him. Winks… well you know his winking problem… once he winked he couldn’t stop winking for a few minutes.

Howie: MY EYE!

Driver: Hello, here’s Chinese Motel 6. $50 please. You people have great day. OK? Sankyou. Sheh sheh. Zhai jien

The BSB get out the taxi and walk into the motel. Nick looks around. He sees the motel keeper and runs over to him.

Nick: Yo we be the famous BSB you understand English? Can we have one room please?

Dude: Yes I am a bilingual I must be ability to speaker English to have this job.

Nick: Aight cool man … Now get us a room

Dude: Only wan? There ah 5 of you men.

Nick: Uh… didn’t I just say one?

Dude makes a weird look: Ok mahn. I get you a room.

He gives them a key and number to their room and the guys go. They walk into their room and look around.

Brian: Ugh! A fly just pissed in my nose!

AJ: Well ya know,.. it’s a cave in der, heh heh…

No one laughs.

Nick jumps on the bed: I GET THIS ONE!!! WEEE this is FUNN!!!

He looses balance and falls flat on his face onto the floor The whole motel shakes.

Kevin: EARTHQUAKE!!!!!!! AHH!! HIDE UNDER THE GLASS!!

Nick starts crying in a corner.

Mao mao pigu

Howie: Man, Kevin ur so insensitive! You made Nickay cry! (sits down next to Nick) This ain’t no earthquake! (patting Nick’s head) Are you alright? I’m sorry he hurt your feelings. I’m here for you, you know.

Nick looks up at Howie and hugs him: I love you man.

Howie and Nick hug each other, and Nick gets back up.

Kevin raises one bushy eye brow: …O…K….,.. ANYWAYS… …. Who’s sleepin’ with who??

Howie: I’m with Nick!! (skips to Nick and grabs his arm)

Kevin: Uh.. ok Howie and Nick in one bed, and me and Brian in the other. AJ… you can sleep on the floor or something.

AJ: Thanks, just leave me out. Oh well. Tomorrow night we switch. I’m going to bed.

The rest of the guys get in their beds too and sleep. The next morning they wake up and get ready for their concert. Howie pulls out his pink make up kit from Clinique.

Howie patting powder on his face while looking in the mirror: So Nick, which curling iron should I use to day? Revlon or the cheap K- Mart one?

Nick: Umm well you know how much I love K-Mart. Use the K Mart one.

Howie: Ok.. OH GOSH I forgot my BACON GREASE!! OH NO! My hair isn’t going to stay wet and sexy!

Nick: Uh… rub your hand on your armpit. That might work.

Howie: Nick, you’re such a nasty one. Go away. (He continues putting on eyeliner and eye shadow)

Howie looks in the mirror, puckers his lips, and blinks. Then his eye problem starts up.

Howie: …(wink wink wink wink) Uh….. (wink wink) OH NO… (wink wink wink) AHH! (wink wink) MY EYE!!!!!

Everyone else is ready to go.

AJ: Aight you guys, let’s go to the concert place and check out where we gonna be jammin’ tonyte.

They all leave and are lead to their performance area several miles away from the city. They come to a crappy village near bamboo forests and rice fields.

Nick: What the hell??

AJ: Is this where we gonna be singing tonyte??

Brian: Yeah. In God’s eyes, this place is just as good as the Fox. Let’s get our tapes out and lights and stuff like that.

The boys rehearse in the abandoned side of the village.

Kevin stops the tape: NO NO NO NO NO! Howie! God! Your lips aren’t moving the same time the tapes are singing! Get it through your head! Once more you guys!

Nick: Hey yo check out my new dance move. (He does a belly roll) What do ya think??

Howie: I LIKE IT!! I LIKE IT!!

Nick: Here. Go like this. Yeah. And then do this,.. you got it. YEAH There we go. And now put your hands in the air and shake em around like we’re retarded or sometin’ heh, they’ll get a kick outta this one!

Finally after hours of rehearsing to match up their mouth moving to the tapes, 7 pm strolls around and they get ready to start their concert.

AJ walks to the center. He whispers to Brian: We got enough batteries ready to go?

Brian: Yeah I think so!

AJ, confident, starts yelling: YO!!! DIS BE THE BSB CONCERT!! WELCOME!! We’re gonna sing “I want it that way”! Come on everyone, uh! Clap your hands in the air! Shake your booties!

Brian plays the tape. Then the rest of the guys come on stage and start lip-syncing. They do the gay dance move Nick taught them earlier. Nick goes way out of hand and starts doing the Funky Chicken.

AJ: UP THE ASS ~~ AINT NOTHIN BUT A GAYY THING UP THE ASS, I NEVER WANNA HEAR YOU SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY

Brian: Shh! Shut up man!! You’re not supposed to really sing!! Now it sounds crappy!!

AJ: Sorry man…

Nick: HEY THANKS ALL YOU CHINESE! THIS BE THE END OF THE BSB CONCERT!!! I’m TIRED! And SWEATY. I can’t breathe. I’m hungry! I think I have some cheese cake in my bag…THANKS!!!

Brian stops for a few minutes and everything is silent.

Brian: Uh… you guys… you notice we didn’t have an audience?

Howie pauses and looks around: …You mean… The Chinese don’t like us?…

Nick shocked: …Buh… uh, wuh.. I.. I thought.. we…. I… I….

AJ looks around: Man we’re failures!

Kevin: Don’t say that. Come on next time we’ll go to Zimbabwe.

Some weird animal noise is heard nearby.

Nick: Uh…….. what’s that noise?

Brian: I dunno.. …

Kevin’s eyes widening as he speaks: Ueahhh~~~!!!! NICK!!!!! BEHIND YOU!!!! A A A—

A big giant panda slams onto Nick smushing him to the ground. The whole earth trembles. The last of the village crumbles to the ground.

Howie: NICK???????

Panda: Guhguh... My brother…

Brian: Heh,..uh listen panda.. I know you must be nice an all, but,.. that’s our pal you got there…

Panda: Guhguh.. My brother…

Brian: Uh, … see, that.. that’s not your brother, he’s Nick Carter, and and he’s one of us BSB’s… Look… Uh

Kevin cuts in: Lemme try. LOOK YOU BIG FAT MORON! Nick might be a little chunky, but doesn’t mean he’s yo brother! Take a look one more time. He’s a homo!!!!....uh, sapien!! Not a panda – Now let him go

Panda lets go and takes a look at Nick

Panda: …you not broder…. Where my broder… Where my guhguh??

The panda runs of embarrassed.

Kevin: OK you guys I think Nick just about had it today with everyone makin’ fun of his cheese fats here. Let’s get back to the motel and have some fun.

They all go back to the motel.

Nick: That was a horrible day. He grabs his stuffed teddy and hugs it.

The poor Teddy is smothered in between Nick’s fats. That night, Nick and Howie get busy. Kevin wakes up in the middle of the night thinking it’s another shaker. Then he realizes it’s just Nick and Howie having some fun. Next time you feel a tremble, think twice about saying it’s an earthquake. You never know if it’s Nick and Howie getting’ jiggy wit it in Zimbabwe.

****Thanks, Amy for some of the Chinese words!!