Answering Machine Fun!
Actual Answering Machine Messages!
These are actual answering machine messages (recorded and
verified by the world famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers)
Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the
money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial
aid institution, you didn't send me enough money. If you are my friends,
you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
Hi, this is Paul's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm open to
suggestions.
Hello, this is The Howell's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the
shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done...
[Cachunk!]
"Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent.
Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us."
If your not able to reach me. I'm probably in the Closet screaming.
And when I am through, I'll be sure to call you back.
Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on
your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your
touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch
tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is
a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time
phone system.
(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine.
Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable
maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling
at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant
effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you
can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."
[Very fast:] Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please
wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press
pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If
you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask
for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave
your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a
circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP.
"Hello. I am David's answering machine. Who are you?"
[In a bored voice:] Heaven, God speaking...
Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave your name,
number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can.
Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO.
Bless you, my child, and have a nice day.
[To scare away telemarketers] Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now,
but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you.
Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who
you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.
I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid
talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me
out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.
Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a
message and I will call you back as soon as I find it.
"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his
refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself
with one of these magnets."
"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with
her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want
anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the
phone."
I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement
printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills. If you need any
money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your
name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from
the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.
Hello, this is David. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me,
you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to
call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I
don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that I won't.
"You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns
are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is
done, our computers will be able to use the sound of your voice for
literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge
for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional
extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the
benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment.
Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you."
You have reached 765-4321. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in
"as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not
sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the
machine did not work.
"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving
messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub,
and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and
do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your
name and number and they will get back to you."
"This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic
thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your
name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll
think about returning your call."
"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."
"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our
weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably
aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."
"My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your
name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished."
[Drawling granny voice:] Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have
fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call
until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em,
but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage.
Thanksh a lot.
"You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel
very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your
ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel
helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."
You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on,
wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in,
leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I
pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through
another long answering machine message when you call me...
Thank you for calling Santa's workshop. Santa can't come to the phone
right now, and the elves are out back barbecuing Blitzen. After the tone,
please leave your Christmas list, and maybe we'll get back to you!
[Sung to the tune of "Ride of the Valkyries"] Leave me a message...leave me a message....etc.
The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name,
phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret
password.
[Must have good Australian accent] G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now
because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a message, and
I'll get back to you.
(Direct approach:) "Who are you and what do you want?"
Hi. Now you say something.
Email: seaweed65@hotmail.com
