I searched my soul all that night. Then I did again all the next day, all the next night, and all the day after that. I prayed fervently, searching through the Bible. I had to know that I was doing right by defying my mother. It seemed to me that God was speaking to me. I found Him hard to listen to for His voice seemed so quiet. Or perhaps I did not want to hear what I heard.
I stood firmly by my earlier decision. I felt it was God's will I return to those children and, truthfully, I had wondered on many nights if it would ever come to this between Mother and me. We seemed to be building towards this moment all of our lives after I became more indignant and stubborn. It became obvious pretty quickly, I believe, that Mother was not going to get the precious little lady she always wanted. When Amelia came, she thought she had a second chance. Then Amelia died and it hurt her so much more than anyone predicted. And it hurt me, too, like I had lost a daughter. It had put a rift between us, though it should have brought us closer. It made me sad to think about so I did not think of it.
Every little girl wants a mother. Every young woman wants a good friend in their mother. I felt sad that I had not felt like I had either for a long time. I knew my mother loved me. But did she really know me? I doubted it. She did not know what made me happy. She thought I had a temporary infatuation with the Smoky Mountains but it was a deep love that I could not rid myself of. Nor did I want to.
I went to the hospital to visit Margaret. We had become pretty good friends, which was something that I had not thought would ever happen. I wanted it to since I came to Asheville and let go of my jealousy. And I had to admit it was jealousy now. I knew what I felt for her husband and was as ashamed of it as I was glad of it. At least I was no longer wondering. Then I realized that I was keeping Neil wondering because he truly seemed to not know how I felt. Which surprised me since he always had been so perceptive.
"Christy," Margaret greeted, smiling. "I am glad you came."
What a different woman Margaret had been lately. It made my heart soar. I could not imagine how happy Miss Alice must be over this. "No one's here?" I asked in surprise, noting the empty room.
"No, they are out," Margaret replied. "Which is just as well because I wanted to talk to you, anyway."
I took a seat by her bed, wondering what it was about. I certainly hoped it had nothing to do with Neil. I mentally laughed at myself for my one-track mind and concentrated on Margaret. "About what?" I asked.
"You are going back to Cutter Gap in seven days, aren't you?" Margaret asked, to which I nodded. "I want to go with you. I know Mac and Mother both miss it and so do you. And I am feeling so much better. I think the fresh air will do me good. I have noticed that you have drawn much strength from the children and the surroundings and I want to do the same."
I smiled. The thought actually made me happy. When I had first met Margaret, she had been sitting on a piano bench with another man and smoking a cigarette with as much snobby air as she could manage. She had given me a critical look that made me incredibly uncomfortable, practically mocking my teaching because I had not yet seen my twentieth birthday. But now she seemed to be almost asking my permission to return to Cutter Gap. I broadened my smile.
"I think it's a great idea," I told her honestly, seeing her face relax. I had felt an odd bond with her over the past few weeks. "Do you know what you will be doing? Because I would really love help with the children. I have about seventy students, twelve grades, one room, and only one of me."
"You want my help?" Margaret repeated. I could hear the surprise in her voice. "I was only planning on helping Mother around the mission."
I smiled, feeling happier by the moment. "I would love the help," I said. "If you would like to help."
"Yes, of course," said Margaret quickly. "What else is on your mind?" I must have blushed for she actually smiled. She looked old and worn but a youthfulness was creeping into her dark eyes. "You are more transparent than you would like to think yourself, I believe."
I considered her for a moment, knowing she had gone out on a limb to confide in me. Or to even talk to me. I felt honored that we were becoming friends and I was looking forward to teaching with her. She had hated the people of the Cove before. She had resented them for being Neil's first priority. I wanted to show her that they were wonderful people. That she agreed to working with me made me want to tell her what was wrong.
"It's my mother," I confided. Margaret's eyebrows slightly raised curiously. I could tell I had piqued her curiosity. "She told me that going to Cutter Gap would be against her wishes."
"But you are still going," Margaret said in confusion.
"Yes," I said quietly. "I am."
A look of recognition crossed over her face visibly and a small smile touched my lips to see it. "Oooh," Margaret said, an apologetic look on her face. I could hear it in her tone, as well. "If anyone knows about 'mother' problems, Christy, then it is me. Do you want my advice?"
"I am always looking for advice," I allowed.
"Search your heart," Margaret said. "Pray. Search the Bible. Whatever you come up with, go with it. Try to explain it to her. These were things I never did and look where it got me."
"I have," I said sadly. "And it doesn't make my mother very happy."
Margaret looked at me with her piercing eyes. I think she saw straight through me, much like Neil always did. "This is your life."
"Yes, and she is my mother," I said. I forced a smile. "I should tell you about the children." I deliberately changed the topic. I was unsure how to work this thing out with my mother. I did not want to leave with her being angry at me. But I did not think she would relent and I knew that I would not.
I watched as Margaret became as enthralled by the stories of the children as I had hoped. I remembered my first fascination with them. The feeling of importance in their lives was a feeling I never wanted to let go of.
I hoped they would give her a chance so she could feel that, too. I also hoped she would begin experiencing the amazing awe and humility that came from those many fascinating, endearing children and the hauntingly beautiful mountains. Perhaps she might have a spiritual revelation as David was and as I had had. Even Neil had a spiritual revelation. She might grow closer to God.
It was then that I realized what great hopes I had for the future in Cutter Gap.