Looking in Dr. MacNeill's beautiful eyes, I saw the curiosity and anxiety still. I smiled, more to myself than to him. This was the big moment. I found myself searching for words, but they were all inadequate. Unfortunately for me, those words never came.
"I don't know," I said quietly, knowing that the doctor understood what I was talking about. I looked down. "I just...." My voice trailed as I began to think again for the right words but found simplicity to be my companion. "I don't know."
I let out a breath as Neil watched me. I wondered why he always watched me like this. It was odd and a little charming at the same time. Then again, the doctor himself was nearly irresistible. I suppose his actions, however unnerving, would be enchanting as well. "What don't you know, Christy? How you feel?"
"No, I know how I feel," I admitted quietly.
I actually heard Neil hold in his breath. I knew I was making him nervous. Had I not been more nervous than him I would have taken the time to revel in his anxiety. It was such an odd thing for him to be openly doubting. But I was not going to take advantage of his vulnerability, anyway. Though the thought to wallow in it did cross my mind, despite the somber nature of our conversation.
"How do you feel, lass?"
His voice was soft; so quiet I hardly heard him. His Scottish accent was tinged with the doubt that his eyes revealed to me. The words rolled together, almost as if he had to push them out forcibly. I could understand having difficulty with this. I certainly did! It was a very turbulent time in our lives. And his voice, those five words, expressed to me much of how he felt. I could not place an emotion, or several, with what kind of feelings he was expressing. But I knew them just the same.
Perhaps that was how I knew I loved him. Our minds thought the same, oft times. I told him my deepest thoughts and perhaps now he was letting his guard down enough to let me see his deepest thoughts. But I wondered if these were his thoughts or his desires. I decided it was both.
Realizing I had mentally drifted for a moment, I pulled myself back to the present. I looked up at the handsome man before me. He was a dozen years older than me and had lived a lifetime before I hit puberty. But we had an undeniable bond. "You're my best friend, Neil," I began, my voice trailing.
Neil waited a moment and I saw his shoulders sag. "Then you don't feel about me the way I do about you?" he asked, his voice hoarse. I could just imagine how he felt. That he had made a fool of himself for nothing but that was not the case at all.
"That's the problem," I replied, feeling stronger than I thought I should. Neil looked at me quizzically, his eyes showing his hurt. "I do."
Dr. MacNeill's eyes lit up more than I thought possible. Such emotional passion was foreign to me. Seeing it on the one person I thought I would never affect like that made me wish what I had to do did not have to be done. But I did not think I was ready for what he offered. Was I ready for such a strong love as I knew he was offering? I doubted it. Was he? I did not know. The problems surrounding our lives, the hardships, did not help our situation, either.
I had said that loving him was a problem and he must have remembered, for his eyes dimmed some. But he did not yet comment on my problems. "You do what, Miss Huddleston?" Neil asked, returning to Miss Huddleston in a rather playful tone. But I could hear the strain in his voice.
"You're a very difficult man, Neil," I said.
"I know," he said simply.
Looking up at Neil, my heart yearned to say it. Just this once. Just to indulge in the look in his eyes and perhaps a following kiss..... The mere thought of his kiss left me feeling faint, as if I would swoon for the first time in my life. I do not know where my bravery came from. Perhaps from my love itself. But I looked Neil straight in the eyes and confessed my heart. "I love you, Neil, I do." I immediately fell silent, feeling shy for allowing myself that luxury.
I had expected Neil to kiss me. It seemed like the most appropriate thing to do. But he did not. I had not been prepared for that. What I was less prepared for, though, was the look in his eyes when I looked up. They were misty, which completely shocked me. There was such complete adoration in his eyes that my heart quickened to see it. It was for me. For Christy Huddleston. From him. Neil MacNeill. I felt as though his heart and soul were reaching and groping for mine, trying to pull me towards him.
"You have just made me the happiest and luckiest man alive, Christy," Neil said. "To have your love."
I was feeling more faint by the moment. What this man did to me..... "Neil--"
"I mean it," Neil interrupted before I could argue. "You said there is a problem."
I looked up at him. God give me strength, I begged Him. "Yes," I said, musing to myself. Looking up at Neil, I found myself falling headfirst into his eyes. Everything at this moment screamed at me to stop. To not ruin the moment further. I had just completed his confession of love and I was ruining it! But, somehow, I could not stop myself. "I want to remain friends, Neil."
"Of course," Dr. MacNeill agreed quickly.
I realized he was not up to taking hints, as I had not been that day. I felt like we had changed roles and the control I felt reminded me of how infuriating this control had been on him. "At only friends," I specified in a low voice.
"Christy, please, I don't understand," said Neil, sounding very much helpless and child like, in a sense.
"I adore you, Neil," I began the toughest explanation I had ever had to give in my life. "And you are the most wonderful friend that I have ever had." I wanted to go all out. I did not want to do this at all. But I decided to spare nothing. I decided to throw pride, caution, and temerity off the risen patio. "And I love you dearly. Not like David. I love you how David wanted me to love him. But I...." I cleared my throat, knowing I was probably ruining the best thing--the best person--to ever walk into my life. "But I can't, Neil. We.... We can't."
Neil reached for my hands. Again, I divulged myself. I closed my eyes, letting his hands engulf mine and not pulling away. They were warm hands, comforting and trembling. His ran his fingertip along the tips of all my fingers as he held my hands. "Dear lass," he said softly, melting my heart and softening my resolve. "I don't understand."
"You just divorced, Neil," I said, feeling my strength and control weakening. The recognition was immediate in his eyes. "Another woman was there before me. And, right now, she needs you to be her friend. And that would be impossible for her to lean on you as she needs if we are..... if we are an us." I hoped that made sense.
"Are you saying there's a chance?" Neil asked, almost begging. I saw the pain in his eyes and knew I had caused it. Guilt flooded through my body. "Because I will wait for you until we're old and grey. I want you to be certain of this, Christy. I want you to be sure." I did not even realize my cheeks had turned into a river for my tears until Neil reached a hand to my face.
My heart was breaking. I did not know if there was a chance. To think of Margaret in his arms, in his heart, in his mind, in his cabin, in his bed..... All before me. It hurt too much, no matter how much I loved him and wanted to be with him. He said he loved Margaret at one point. Not how he should have, not how a man should love his wife but in another, inexplicable way. But that was not enough of an explanation for me.
Without a word, I turned and fled.