HAT TRICK AVENUE.
A Screenplay By John F.
Mollard
© 2001; WGA Registered
FADE
IN
INT:
TARGET CENTER. ARENA. NIGHT
It
is the third game of the 1999 Stanley Cup Finals, pitting the Minnesota
Zambonies versus the Seattle Grunge.
EUGENE PUTTER, 24, is guised in full Zambonies’ goalie uniform. He stands in the net, confused about his
whereabouts. He scans the crowd - a full
capacity group of the loudest hockey fans known to man. He sees the apparition of an old man (BIBLE
BOB) standing rink side at the other end of the arena. The bearded old codger is dressed in a long,
brown cloak and robe. He carries a
weathered Minnesota Zambonies’ game program.
They achieve eye contact.
BIBLE BOB
(he speaks telepathically)
Eugene!
Eugene!
EUGENE’S
eyes are transfixed. He recognizes the
old man.
EUGENE
Obi-Wan?
BIBLE BOB
Shut
the hell up! I’m not Obi-Wan Kenobi! I‘m
your
grandfather.
EUGENE
Grandfather?
It can’t be you! You’re dead!
BIBLE BOB
True. But I still exist on the spiritual plain -
the
Force if you will. I’ve come to make a
lit-
tle
plea bargain. I’ll stop invading your
dreams
and
making your life misery if you do something
for
me.
EUGENE
What
do you want me to do?
BIBLE BOB
You
must go to the Twin Cities. There you
will
seek
out the solution to providing me eternal
peace.
EUGENE
What
solution?
BIBLE BOB
You’ll
find out for yourself. The answer’s all
in
my journal. Once you find it, you’ll
know
what
to do.
(checks his watch)
It’s
time for me to go. In seeking your
destiny, patience is your ally.
The
old man vanishes into thin air. And
just as he does so, the Seattle Grunge come ripping down the ice, battling
against the Minnesota Zambonies for supremacy of the hockey puck. Grunger SCOTTY WATERS raises his stick high
and hurls the puck between the pads.
The Grungers collide head on with EUGENE, pinning his ass to the
ice. He stretches an arm out as if he
were reaching for something.
EUGENE
Grandfather,
please! Help me!
INT.
EUGENE’S MOTOR HOME. LIVING ROOM. NIGHT
A
desk lamp is flipped on and a large cardboard box is placed atop a small
bureau. EUGENE PUTTER pulls on his
glasses and ruffles his shaggy hair. He
opens the box and starts rummaging through its contents. The box has the name ‘BOB PUTTER’ written
across the top in black magic marker.
The box contains possess-ions willed to EUGENE by his late grandfather.
EUGENE
finds a weathered photograph in a glass frame.
It’s a picture of his 48-year-old uncle J.P. PUTTER alongside one of his
war buddies in the jungles of Vietnam.
Scrawled across the bottom of the photograph is the message ‘Greetings
from Vietnam - J.P. Putter and his comrade of war’. EUGENE recognizes the man standing next to his uncle as MARLEY
REDMOND, a local Cook crack-pot and sworn enemy of EUGENE’S from his paper
route.
EUGENE
puts the picture back in the box and continues digging. Mostly there’s souvenirs from old Minnesota
Zambonies’ hockey games: old score
sheets, hockey pucks, discarded beer cups, a miniature hockey stick, newspaper
clippings, a Zambonies’ souvenir hockey jersey, etc. A moment later he finds what he’s looking for: his grandfather’s journal.
EUGENE
The
solution to providing my grandfather peace
and
the answer to putting me out of my misery
lies
within the pages of this book.
CREDITS.
EXT:
VERMILION FAIRWAYS. EARLY MORNING
SUBTITLES
APPEAR AT BOTTOM OF SCREEN:
Vermilion Fairways, Lake
Vermilion
Cook, Minnesota
Sunday, June 13th,
1999
8:00 a.m.
EUGENE
PUTTER sits on a riding lawnmower, mowing the grass on the golf course.
INT:
CLUBHOUSE. EARLY MORNING
EUGENE
sits in the clubhouse having his breakfast.
He flips through the pages in his grandfather’s journal. The framed pho-tograph of J.P. PUTTER and
MARLEY REDMOND sits on the table in front of him. EUGENE takes a long hard gaze at it, and suddenly, he realizes
what he has to do. His eyes stare at
the man standing next to J.P. PUTTER in the photo.
EUGENE
Lieutenant
Marley Redmond of the Duluth division
of
the U.S. Fighting Sea Bees, prepare to face
the
wrath of Eugene Putter.
EXT:
NIBBLE’S BAIT SHACK. EARLY MORNING
Bait
salesman LAZLO NIBBLE, 36, exits his sleeping shack on the WELLS’ lakeshore
property and opens up his bait store - Nibble’s Bait Shack. He turns on a portable grill and fries up a
pan of worms. He puts the fried worms
on bread and has a sandwich.
EXT:
FORT REDMOND. ENTRANCE ROAD. MORNING
A
golf cart speeds down the gravel entrance road of Fort Redmond. Local paperboy, mailman, White Eagle Resort
dockboy, and golf course greenskeeper EUGENE PUTTER is at the wheel making his
mor-ning newspaper delivery run. To the
locals around these parts, he is a real pain in the ass. Not only does EUGENE deliver the morning
paper and the daily mail, he’s also known to wreak all sorts of havoc with some
of the numerous gadgets on board his souped-up golf cruiser.
EUGENE
opens the door on his cassette player and loads a tape in the deck.
EUGENE
Redmond!
This is war!
Cranking
the volume up to its maximum, he pushes ‘PLAY’. ‘Ride of the Valkyries’ blasts over the giant loudspeakers
mounted on the front of the golf cruiser.
EXT:
MARLEY’S CABIN. MORNING
Suddenly,
without warning, MARLEY is startled awake from a sound sleep on his porch.
Hearing the paperboy’s battle cry, MARLEY removes two rubber surgical gloves
from his shorts' pockets, slips one on each hand, and then he pulls out a
staple gun from the interior of his vest and finally speaks. MARLEY transforms into his battle mode.
MARLEY
The
bird dog has risen. Lieutenant Marley
Redmond
on red alert!
MARLEY
darts off the porch and runs into the nearest woods to prepare for a full out
ground assault against the paperboy.
Moosebirds
General Store’s counter jockeys ELLIOT GOLDENTHAL and RILEY WELLS, both 28, are
awakened by MARLEY’S howling. As for
the others, they don't even budge.
ELLIOT
(groggily)
What
time is it?
Just
then, EUGENE PUTTER closes in on the cluster of cabins. Grabbing a folded newspaper containing
rotting manure from his bag, he hurls it like a grenade over his right
shoulder. The projectile hurtles
through space and slams into 29-year-old Landing bartender BUDDY LaVIGNE, still
asleep in his chair. BUDDY falls
backwards onto his back as EUGENE starts making his getaway back up the dirt
road.
BUDDY
Son
of a bitch!
BUDDY
gets to his feet and searches around for any usable weapon. There it is sitting in a pool of floating
ice - an open container of melted cheese dip, the chunks of blue cheese
floating on the surface like sodden potato buds. BUDDY picks it out and plasters EUGENE in the head with the white
slime. The chunks drip from his hair
and drop down his shirt. He loses all
control of his golf cruiser and crashes it into a cluster of trees.
BUDDY
Gotcha!
BUDDY
hoots wildly, flashing his arms around in the air like a mad man.
As
BUDDY disappears behind a cabin, EUGENE picks himself off MARLEY’S lawn. As soon as he does so, MARLEY suddenly drops
from the sky on a bungee cord, grabs EUGENE in a tight choke hold, and they
disappear into the trees.
INT:
MARLEY’S CABIN. KITCHEN. MORNING
MARLEY’S
25-year-old trophy wife CRICKET DeSILVA sits at the breakfast table reading a
copy of 'Better Homes and Gardens' magazine.
MARLEY
comes limping into the kitchen holding his left butt cheek, the staple gun in
his right hand. He peers into the
refrigerator for a beer.
MARLEY
(grimacing - to Cricket)
Hey,
honey! Do you know if there’s a pair of
pliers
around here? I stapled my ass.
CRICKET
I
think so! Help yourself!
MARLEY
starts searching through the kitchen cabinet drawers for a pair of pliers. CRICKET puts down her magazine and stands up
from the kitchen table.
CRICKET
I’m
going to go take a shower. See you later,
dear.
CRICKET
gives her man an early morning kiss. As
she does so, she grabs MARLEY’S ass and rips the staple out with her
fingers. He screams.
MARLEY
Zoinks!
Mmmm. Thanks, darling.
MARLEY
rubs his wounded ass and watches his wife disappear into the living room. She walks back to their bedroom to get ready
for her shower.
EXT:
MARLEY’S CABIN. MORNING
EUGENE
PUTTER is now out-stretched up against the front of MAR-LEY’S cabin, his
clothes firmly stapled to the plywood siding.
MARLEY
(to Eugene)
Now,
do I make myself clear, you little scum-
barking
rat! There will be no more of these
paper
rags going off course and hitting people
in
the face.
(screams at the top of his
lungs)
Do
I make myself clear, son?
EUGENE
seems to concur just fine, nodding his head in agreement and miming the words
"I quit!"
MARLEY
(to Lazlo)
See,
neighbor. I knew this staple gun would
come
in handy one of these days! I was 18 months
in
the bush, and no smart aleck kid is going
to
burn my ragged ass!
LAZLO
Let's
go, neighbor. I'm getting thirsty. Time
to
crack open a sixer.
EXT:
MARLEY’S CABIN. LATER
MARLEY
comes walking out of his cabin drinking a beer. He stops abruptly when he sees EUGENE struggling to pull his golf
cart free from a cluster of bushes. He
offers to help.
MARLEY
(to Eugene)
Need
some help?
EUGENE
That’s
what I came here to ask you for in the
first
place. Instead you stapled me to the
side
of your house. What the hell was that
about,
anyway?
MARLEY
Sorry
about that.
MARLEY
grabs onto the back of EUGENE’S golf cart as EUGENE pushes from the front. EUGENE lifts the front end up and MARLEY
pulls it free from a twisted branch.
MARLEY
What’s
wrong with you, son? If you come asking
for
help, why do act like a friggin’ mad bomber
on
a mission? All you had to do was ask.
EUGENE
removes his grandfather’s journal and the framed photograph and hands them to
MARLEY. MARLEY stares at the photograph
of him with J.P. PUTTER.
MARLEY
I
didn’t know you were related to Jack Putter.
I
served with him in Vietnam. Is that
what
you
came to ask me about?
EUGENE
I
need you to go with me to the Twin Cities to
help
me fulfill my late grandfather’s dying wish.
I’d
ask uncle J.P. for help, but he can’t stand
me. I thought maybe you could talk to him to
try
to change his attitude.
MARLEY
I
can’t stand you either, Eugene.
(beat)
What
is your grandfather’s dying wish?
EUGENE
You’re
aware the Zambonies are playing for the
Stanley
Cup, right? Thirty years ago, my grand-
father
Bob - J.P.’s father - abandoned his wife
and
family to follow his favorite hockey team
to
the Stanley Cup Finals. Problem is, the
Zambonies
are one of the worst teams in the NHL.
My
grandfather died before he could see them win
the
title. On his deathbed, he wrote in his
journal
that if the Zambonies were ever to win
the
Stanley Cup, he wanted his ashes placed in-
side
the Cup to be put on display in his home
state
for an entire year.
MARLEY
What
does this have to do with your uncle Jack?
EUGENE
He
has my grandfather’s ashes in his possession
at
his mansion in St. Paul. The Zambonies
are
playing
the Seattle Grunge in the cities this
week
on Thursday and Saturday. This is my
only
chance
to fulfill my grandfather’s wishes. I
may
not get another. If I don’t do this,
he’ll
keep
invading my dreams and making my life a
living
hell.
(beat)
I’m
asking you for help. I’m begging
you. Please? Help me?
MARLEY
looks at the framed photograph then looks back at EUGENE.
MARLEY
I’m
sorry, Eugene, but I can’t. Your uncle
and
I
had a falling out a long time ago. Jack
was
taken
prisoner by the VC, and everybody thought
he
was dead. I returned stateside and
married
his
fiancée to console her after she received
word
about Jack’s death. Turns out Jack was
held
captive in a bat cave for 97 days until
he
was rescued. He almost shit a solid
gold
brick
when he found out I stole his girlfriend.
EUGENE
(takes back the journal
and photograph)
Why
can’t you help me, just this once?
MARLEY
The
war’s been over for 25 years. I’ve
already
done
my service to this country. It took me
a
long
time to overcome the horrors of the war,
and
I’m not ready to go back. My war is
over.
I’m
sorry. I can’t help you.
With
that, MARLEY turns and walks away. He
disappears inside his cabin.
EUGENE
watches MARLEY disappear then gets on his golf cart and drives away.
INT:
LANDING. BAR. DAY
MARLEY
sits in The Landing bar having a drink.
ELLIOT and BUDDY sit talking to him from behind the bar counter. CRICKET and LAZLO sit at a table playing
solitaire.
MARLEY
has his own copy of EUGENE’S infamous photograph with him. It sits on the bar in front of MARLEY. He stares at it and thinks for a long
moment.
BUDDY
(hands Marley a drink)
Have
one on the house. You look like shit,
dude.
MARLEY
(to Buddy)
I
sure feel like it.
MARLEY
stares at the photograph of himself and J.P. and thinks to himself for a long
moment. He sips his drink.
MARLEY
(to Buddy and Elliot)
How
would you guys like to go with me and some
of
the others to the Twin Cities?
BUDDY
A
few days in the cities wouldn’t be bad.
I
wouldn’t
mind slumming the halls of the Mall
for
an entire day. Why not?
MARLEY
(sips his drink)
Then
it’s settled then.
He
puts the photograph away.
INT:
EUGENE’S MOTOR HOME. LIVING ROOM. DAY
EUGENE
sits in a chair watching a golf tournament on television. He hears a knock on his door. EUGENE gets up to answer it. He opens the door to reveal MARLEY standing
outside wearing a cam-ouflage army jacket, a beret, dark sunglasses, and khaki
pants. EUGENE talks to him through the
screen door. MARLEY removes his
sunglasses.
EUGENE
What
the hell are you dressed like that for? I
thought
your war was over?
MARLEY
gives EUGENE a military salute.
MARLEY
Eugene
Putter of the Cook Municipal Golf Course
and
the United States Mail Service, I have come
to
ask you to enlist in my army to embark on a
top
secret mission to the Twin Cities. It’s
a
mission
of utmost importance.
EUGENE
So
you’ll help me?
MARLEY
I’ll
help you.
(beat)
We
leave at approximately 1300 hours. Meet
at
Fort
Redmond at 1200 hours for a debriefing.
MARLEY
salutes EUGENE and walks back to his camouflage SUV. He peels out.
EUGENE
Fuck
Rambo!
EUGENE
closes the door and begins throwing clothes into an overnight bag.
INT:
MOOSEBIRDS. GENERAL STORE. DAY
Moosebirds’
store clerk RILEY WELLS and stock boy ELLIOT GOLDEN-THAL stand in the middle of
the store playing a game of darts.
Hanging on the wall is an electronic Minnesota Zambonies’ SNIGGY ESKEW
dartboard. SNIGGY ESKEW is the
55-year-old owner of the Minnesota hockey franchise. A cartoon SNIGGY makes up the playing area. RILEY wears a “007” hockey jersey, and
ELLIOT wears a “00” jersey.
RILEY
throws his three darts at the board then goes to collect them. He talks to ELLIOT regarding SNIGGY ESKEW.
RILEY
I
heard he’s an ex-mobster.
ELLIOT
Bullshit!
Sniggy Eskew used to play in a band
under
the nickname Little Joe. He did that
album
‘Little Joe Sure Can Sing’ back in the
‘60s.
RILEY
Obviously
he didn’t have too much success at
it,
otherwise he wouldn’t be the owner of the
Zambonies. If the Zambonies win Tuesday night’s
game,
their winning streak will be 3 to 1.
ELLIOT
The
Zambonies don’t stand a chance in hell.
They
suck.
RILEY
(angrily)
I’ll
show you who sucks at hockey. Outside
in
the
parking lot right now, you pussy. Grab
the
net.
EXT:
MOOSEBIRDS. GENERAL STORE. DAY
ELLIOT
takes position in the goalie net, while RILEY prepares for his assault. RILEY counts to three then drops the
puck. He slaps it around a little then
picks it up with his stick and stands the puck on its side, ready and set to
make a goal. RILEY takes a swing...and
misses. ELLIOT swings his stick at the
exact second the puck is about to strike and hurls the puck into the side of
RILEY’S car, creating a huge dent in the driver’s side door. RILEY throws his stick across the street and
walks away. The hockey lands in a tree
and gets hung up.
ELLIOT
Looks
like I win.
RILEY
Shit!
RILEY
goes back inside the store. Just as he
does, EUGENE PUTTER’S motor home comes driving up. ELLIOT retrieves the hockey puck as EUGENE steps out of the motor
home.
EUGENE
approaches ELLIOT and snags the hockey puck from his hands. He plays with the puck as if it were a
hackey sack ball.
EUGENE
Is
Riley around?
ELLIOT
Inside. He’s pissed because I scored on his
sorry
ass.
EUGENE
You
put another dent in his car, didn’t you?
EUGENE
looks over at RILEY’S car. He sees the
dent.
ELLIOT
Of
course.
EUGENE
Nice
going. That’ll teach him not to park
that
piece
of shit there again.
(beat)
Haul
your ass inside and whip us up some waffle
cones. Three cookie doughs, STAT! Marley has
ordered
you to all meet at his place at one
o’clock. He’s heading a mission to the Twin
Cities. So, pack things up here and let’s move
out.
ELLIOT
throws his hockey stick onto a patio chair and leads EUGENE inside the store.
EXT:
FORT REDMOND. DAY
EUGENE’S
motor home pulls into the large gravel driveway of Fort Redmond. RILEY’S car follows immediately behind. The car and motor home pull to a stop beside
MARLEY’S SUV. MARLEY, LAZLO, CRICKET, and
BUDDY are standing around by the garage.
They each carry suitcases and overnight bags. RILEY, ELLIOT, and EUGENE step from their vehicles and approach
the others.
RILEY
(to Marley)
So,
what’s this top secret mission of yours?
I
should be at work right now.
MARLEY
I
won’t go into the details because you’d think
I’m
crazy. All I’m saying is that this trip
involves
the Stanley Cup Finals. I took the
liberty
of booking us some reservations at the
Holiday
Inn by the Mall of America. We’ll meet
at
the hotel. That said, let’s move out.
EXT:
VERMILION DRIVE. DAY
The
SUV and the motor home drive south along Highway 53.
INT:
MOTOR HOME. DAY
EUGENE,
RILEY, ELLIOT, and BUDDY ride in EUGENE’S motor home. EUGENE’S golf cruiser is towed behind. EUGENE sits in the driver’s seat. RILEY sits next to him in the front passenger seat. He messes with the radio. There isn’t a damn thing on.
ELLIOT
sits in a seat directly behind EUGENE, and BUDDY sits behind RILEY.
ELLIOT
(to Eugene)
Eugene,
why are we dragging your golf cart behind
us?
We’re going to the Twin Cities for a hockey
game,
not a pro-golf tournament.
EUGENE
To
answer your question, Elliot - the reason I’m hauling
my golf cart with us is because my uncle
Jack
is rich. He’s a part owner of the St.
Paul
Saints
and the Minnesota Zambonies. He has a membership to all the finest golf clubs in
the
Twin
Cities. He also owns a miniature golf
course
in
Shakopee. I want to play some golf, all
right?
ELLIOT
Whatever?
EXT:
HAT TRICK AVENUE. DAY
The
gang passes the Hat Trick Avenue sign along the right side of Highway 53 in
Eveleth, MN. The US Hockey Hall of Fame
sits atop a nearby hill, alongside the Eveleth Inn and Lord Stanley’s
Rest-aurant.
EXT:
WORLD’S LARGEST HOCKEY STICK. DAY
The
gang stands around the World’s Largest Hockey Stick attract-ion along Eveleth’s
Grant Avenue. MARLEY takes a group
photo with his camera set on a timer.
EXT:
HIGHWAY 53. DAY
The
crusaders continue along on their journey.
INT:
MOTOR HOME. DAY
ELLIOT
desperately tries to hold his bladder from draining out onto the floor of the
motor home.
ELLIOT
Oh,
man! I drank too many 20 ouncers last night.
I
got to take a really bad piss.
EUGENE
We’re
not stopping, so quit your bitching.
You’re
just
gonna have to pinch it off.
ELLIOT
Why
doesn’t this motor home have a bathroom?
EUGENE
I
took it out to make room for a hot tub.
ELLIOT
can’t hold it in, so he picks up an empty pop bottle and starts taking a
thunderous piss. The pressure in the
bottle builds up so great, piss sprays all over the three other guys and the
front of the motor home. EUGENE, RILEY,
and BUDDY get really pissed.
RILEY
Elliot,
you fat stupid asshole!
EUGENE
Shit!
The smell’s never gonna come out of the
carpet.
BUDDY
Dammit!
Now I’m gonna smell like rotten asparagus.
ELLIOT
rolls down a window and throws out the bottle of piss.
EXT:
MARLEY‘S SUV. DAY
The
pop bottle hits the SUV’s windshield and sprays piss every-where. MARLEY flips on the wipers.
MARLEY
Litter
bug!
EXT:
TOBIE’S RESTAURANT. DAY
The
motor home is forced to pull into Tobie’s Restaurant in Hinckley so ELLIOT can
finish relieving himself. The SUV
follows closely behind.
INT:
BATHROOM. DAY
ELLIOT
drains his lizard in the Tobie’s bathroom.
INT:
TOBIE’S BAKERY. DAY
BUDDY
picks up a few boxes of Elephant Ears for the trip.
EXT:
TOBIE’S ICE CREAM BAR. DAY
EUGENE
and RILEY pick up four large ice cream cones at the Tobie’s Ice Cream Bar.
EXT:
TOBIE’S RESTAURANT. DAY
A
pink Cadillac pulls into the parking lot from a southern di-rection. The car is full of pink ping-pong
balls. A strange-looking guy in a pink
leisure suit and bunny slippers (JUGDISH SIMMS) sits behind the wheel. His four passengers include: an androgynous freak with two different
colored eyes, black lip-stick, a dog collar, long multi-colored hair, and
multi-colored feather earrings, in a leather jacket with a black rubber tank top
and artificial feminine breasts (NEIL “THE PARROT” REDFERN) riding shotgun; and
three gorgeous young girls with pink hair wearing pink tank tops and black
leather skirts (ELIZA FRENCH, CLEO LONGET, MERCEDES DeVILLE) sitting in the
backseat. The Caddy pulls up to the
Tobie’s Ice Cream Bar, and the freakish five climb out and walk up the ice
cream stand. They all get pink-colored
bubble gum ice cream cones.
BUDDY
and ELLIOT come walking out of Tobie’s and witness the freak show.
BUDDY
They
sure are pink.
ELLIOT
Must
be some kind of rich weirdos.
BUDDY
At
least they got good taste in women.
Those
three
girls are F-I-N-E fine.
ELLIOT
and BUDDY return to the motor home.
RILEY and EUGENE are waiting inside.
As JUGDISH and his group return to the Cadillac, JUGDISH notices the
pink flamingos painted on the side of EUG-ENE’S motor home. The five climb into the Cadillac and watch
as the motor home pulls out of the Tobie’s parking lot. The Caddy follows closely behind.
INT:
GRAND CASINO. DAY
MARLEY,
LAZLO, CRICKET, ELLIOT, RILEY, EUGENE, and BUDDY are busy gambling at the Grand
Casino in Hinckley. RILEY, EUGENE, and
BUDDY play nickel slots, while ELLIOT tries his hand at a Blackjack table. ELLIOT is flirting with the female CARD
DEALER. She gets pissed at him and
slaps him across the face.
EXT:
GRAND CASINO PARKING LOT. DAY
RILEY,
ELLIOT, BUDDY, and EUGENE exit the casino only to discover EUGENE’S motor home
is missing from its parking space. All
that remains is the golf cruiser. BUDDY
is pissed most of all.
BUDDY
Somebody
stole my god damn Elephant Ears! Those bastards!
EUGENE
Who
gives a shit about your stupid Elephant
Ears!
Somebody stole my motor home!
BUDDY
We’re
going back to Tobie’s for more Elephant
Ears. You don’t make a trip to the cities with-
out
buying Elephant Ears at Tobie’s. It’s
Bible- fucking law.
INT:
GRAND CASINO. DAY
EUGENE
stands by a pay phone and dials 911. It
rings. A police DISPATCHER answers.
DISPATCHER (VO)
911. What’s your emergency?
ELLIOT
I’d
like to report a stolen motor home.
EXT:
INTERSTATE 35. DAY
EUGENE,
ELLIOT, RILEY, and BUDDY ride EUGENE’S souped-up golf cruiser to the Twin
Cities, cruising at a steady 65 mph.
They use a police scanner to warn them of approaching police cars, so as
not to get busted for driving a golf cart at high speed on the Interstate.
BUDDY
carries three boxes of Elephant Ears perched on his lap. The golf cruiser passes by MARLEY‘s SUV.
INT:
MARLEY‘S SUV. DAY
MARLEY,
LAZLO, and CRICKET stare bewildered out the driver’s side window.
MARLEY
Now
there’s something you don’t see everyday.
MARLEY
honks the car horn. RILEY flips them
the finger, as he rides on the back of the golf cart beside BUDDY.
EXT:
TWIN CITIES METRO AREA. DAY
MARLEY’s
SUV and the golf cruiser arrive in the Twin Cities. They cruise through the metro area along the Interstate.
EXT:
HOLIDAY INN. DAY
The
two vehicles are parked outside a Holiday Inn.
The gang hauls their gear inside to the lobby.
EXT:
RESIDENTIAL STREET. NIGHT
A
row of tree-lined estates in an upper-class neighborhood of suburban St. Paul,
Minnesota.
SUBTITLES
APPEAR AT BOTTOM OF SCREEN:
Beaver Creek, St. Paul
Sunday, June 27th,
1999
9:05 p.m.
A
fire engine leaves down the street as MARLEY’S SUV pulls up to a large
two-story manor house belonging to Twin Cities’ sports mogul J.P. PUTTER. A large tarpaulin covers the roof of the
house. The street out front is swarming
with news vans and reporters with cameras.
MARLEY
and LAZLO step from the car and frantically approach the house. They overhear a female REPORTER from WCCO
doing a live broadcast.
REPORTER
It
seems the reclusive John Patrick Putter has barricaded
himself inside his house and attempted
to
kill himself by blowing the house up.
The
house,
however, has only maintained minor struct-
ural
damage...
MARLEY’S
pulse quickens after hearing the news.
He and LAZLO work their way through the crowd and approach the front
door. MARLEY performs a secret knock.
INT:
PUTTER’S MANSION. LIVING ROOM. NIGHT
The
main floor of J.P. PUTTER’S mansion lies a full story below ground level. The main entrance sits atop a wall of
bookshelves. A balcony overlooks the
main floor. A circular staircase leads
downward. The room is lit by
chandeliers. Bookshelves circle the
entire living room. The floors are
maple. A bar sits at one end of the
room. A pool table sits nearby.
Water
pours like rain from the fire-scorched ceiling. ‘Burning Down the Bridges’ plays on a record player. In the middle of the room, the reclusive J.P.
PUTTER is asleep on a couch. A
camou-flage fishing hat is pulled down over his eyes. He is a 48-year-old Vietnam veteran turned sports mogul. He’s in the middle of a dream.
EXT:
WARFIELD. DAY
J.P.
is dreaming that he’s driving an army jeep through enemy territory, but instead
of enemy troops, there’s enemy bats.
Hundreds of them. Not your
ordinary bats, either. We’re talking
seriously huge, blood-sucking vampire bats.
To J.P., the bats are members of Charlie Company. He’s in the middle of fighting his own
private war. He reaches for his gun.
INT:
PUTTER’S MANSION. LIVING ROOM. NIGHT
In
reality, J.P.‘s hand reaches under the couch and pulls out a shotgun. He fires at the ceiling. A tub comes crashing through the floor. J.P. awakens with a stir. He raises his head and notices the tub
laying in pieces on the floor in front of him.
He removes his hat and scratches his head.
J.P.
Hmmm...?
Suddenly,
he hears a knock at the door. He jumps
to his feet, turns off the record, and pulls out an army issue handgun.
J.P.
The
vultures are circling.
EXT:
PUTTER’S MANSION. NIGHT
Outside,
MARLEY and LAZLO are standing by the main entrance door. MARLEY knocks again. The door creaks open. J.P. sees all the REPORTERS on his front
lawn and manages to speak. He gives a
confused expression.
J.P.
Holy
shit! Did I miss something?
(looks at Marley)
What
do you want, you piece of vulture poon-
tang?
The
door slams shut in MARLEY’S face.
MARLEY pounds on the door.
MARLEY
Jack,
open up! It’s Marley Redmond! Your old
war
buddy. I’m with my friend Lazlo. We’re
on
a mission of utmost importance. It
involves
your
father Bob and your nephew Eugene. Open
this
god damn door and let us in.
MARLEY
kicks the door then starts walking away.
MARLEY
(to himself)
Fucking
burnout.
And
then, all of a sudden, the door opens and J.P. PUTTER walks outside. He grabs MARLEY by the arm and forces him
inside at gunpoint.
J.P.
Don’t
say a word.
MARLEY
turns to LAZLO.
MARLEY
(to Lazlo)
Maybe
it would be better if you waited in the
car?
I don’t know what kind of mindset Jack is
in
right now. He might be a loose
cannon. I
don’t
know? Keep the reporters busy or something.
Tell
them a bullshit story. I’ll be out as
fast
as
possible.
LAZLO
starts walking back to the SUV. MARLEY
follows J.P. inside. The entrance door
slams shut behind them.
INT:
PUTTER’S MANSION. LIVING ROOM. NIGHT
J.P.
leads MARLEY down the circular staircase and into his living room. MARLEY can’t help but notice the water
pouring from the burnt ceiling. J.P.
puts down his handgun.
MARLEY
I
love what you’ve done with the place.
You lose
your
maid?
PUTTER
Isn’t
it great? I’ve been doing some redecorating.
J.P.
heads over to the bar and starts pouring two glasses of scotch. He hands a glass to MARLEY.
J.P.
Down
the hatch, big guy. It’s been a while
since
we last talked. What has it been, 25
years?
That’s a long time. Have a drink on me.
MARLEY
ponders his drink as J.P. slams his drink down in one gulp.
J.P.
Oh,
yeah! That’ll put some hair on your ass.
MARLEY
Jack,
I’m kind of in a hurry, here. I need
to
talk to you about your father.
J.P.’S
eyes go berserk.
J.P.
My
father is dead to me. I want nothing to
do
with
his memory. He betrayed his wife and
family
to
embark on some foolish crusade.
(beat)
Listen,
Marley, we can’t talk in here. The
walls
have
ears...and eyes. There’re Charlie’s all
over
the place. Let’s go into my private den
where
it’s safer. There aren’t any vultures
in
there.
MARLEY
You
all right, man? For a while there, those
reporters
had me convinced you have a few screws
loose
in the old brainpan.
J.P.
It’s
just the alcohol talking. I’m under a
lot
of
stress from the Zambonies being in the Finals
and
managing the Saints. It’s two full-time
jobs.
J.P.
walks over to a wall of books and pulls out a copy of Hunter S. Thompson’s
1970’s travel memoir ‘Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas’. The book triggers a mechanical gizmo and the
bookshelf slides open to reveal a hidden room - J.P.’s den.
J.P.
(to Marley)
Ladies
first.
MARLEY
I
have no time for any of your bullshit, Jack!
MARLEY
walks past J.P. into the darkness of the den.
J.P. follows right behind.
J.P.
You’re
so uptight, Marley. You should try yoga
or
something. Shave the fuzz off your
ass. De-
clare
a new religion. Anything to get your
pant-
ies
out of a bunch.
J.P.
unleashes his pet Doberman from just inside the doorway to his den, and the dog
runs out into the living room and up the circular staircase.
J.P.
(to dog)
Make
sure nobody gets in. If they do, I give
you
permission to sic balls. All right? Go
on,
have
a field day.
J.P.
flips on the lights inside the den and presses a button which closes the hidden
passageway.
EXT:
PUTTER’S MANSION. NIGHT
The
REPORTER is doing another broadcast.
LAZLO stands nearby.
REPORTER
This
story has suddenly taken a turn for the
worse. It seems millionaire sports mogul J.P.
Putter
has taken a visitor hostage at gunpoint
inside
his house...
INT:
PUTTER’S MANSION. THE JUNGLE ROOM. NIGHT
J.P.’s
den - The Jungle Room - is more or less a large, fancy bomb shelter. The room is sound proof; has a big screen
TV; dark green wallpaper; oak flooring; pictures from his days in Vietnam;
Sports Illustrated cover posters; baseball trophies; St. Paul Saints’ baseball
banners, posters, awards; a Hunter S. Thompson gonzo journalism award for an
article on Fidel Castro’s baseball years; a cover poster for J.P.’s war memoir
‘Prisoners of War: The Vacation Years’;
a Fighting Sea Bees banner; a Hudson River-dogs banner; an ad from Burning
Hills Miniature Golf; and a putting green.
J.P.’s
desk sits in front of a large bookcase.
Elvis music plays in the background.
J.P.
picks up a golf putter and steps onto the putting green. He knocks a golf ball into a glass
tumbler. MARLEY just stands idly by,
looking anxious as hell to get out of the room. J.P. can’t help but notice his friend’s lament.
J.P.
(to Marley)
Care
for a cigar? They’re free.
MARLEY
Sure. Why not?
J.P.
puts down his golf club and walks over to his desk. MARLEY follows right behind.
J.P.
takes a seat behind his desk and pulls out a box of cigars. He pulls one out and hands it to
MARLEY. He then pulls one out for
himself. J.P. unwraps the cigar, dips
it in his drink, and starts sucking on it passionately.
J.P.
Now,
what can I do you for, old buddy? I’m a
busy
man.
MARLEY
has had enough of this shit.
MARLEY
What
the hell is going on outside? There’s pol-
ice
cars and reporters all over the place.
J.P.
Oh,
them. I don’t know. They’re the local
paparazzi
and I’m the local celebrity. They’re
always
trying to get pictures to go along with
the
latest fabricated scandal. Fuck
‘em. They’re vultures. Let them
circle their prey a little
longer. They’re not getting in here. Not with
Triple
Screws guarding the door.
MARLEY
Triple
Screws?
J.P.
My
dog. He’s a Doberman with three balls.
There’s
nothing worse than having your throat
ripped
out by a Doberman with three balls.
It’s
a birth defect. We all have our little
defects. Mine is Agent Orange. We all go a
little
crazy sometimes.
MARLEY
Crazy?
You blew up your fucking house! How crazy
is
that?
J.P.
It’s
a shithole anyway. It’s an old
church.
My
father used to own it back when he was a
minister. I had bats in the belfry, so I de-
cided
to do a little exterminating.
MARLEY
You
blew up your fucking house!
J.P.
Nobody’s
perfect. What do I care about this
place
my father used to call home? He certainly
didn’t
care about his family. At least now I
got
a skylight.
MARLEY
Whatever,
Jack, all right? I’m not here to list-
en
to all your problems. No. Jack, you suffer
from
premature male swarthiness. Try on a
Maxi,
sit
down, and shut up. Allow me to explain
my business.
MARLEY
takes a seat in a large bean bag chair and takes a sip of his drink. J.P. offers to light his cigar.
J.P.
Need
a light?
J.P.
lights MARLEY’S cigar then returns to his desk chair.
MARLEY
The
clock is ticking, Jack. I’ll hurry this
up.
J.P.
bites the end off his cigar, puts the cigar in his mouth, then lights it. He removes a bottle of scotch from a desk
drawer and pours himself a new drink.
J.P.
(to Marley)
If
you ever need a refill or a new cigar, feel
free.
J.P.
takes a drag off his cigar and points at his watch.
MARLEY
Our
story begins...
INT:
HOLIDAY INN. BAR. NIGHT
The
gang hangs out in the Holiday Inn bar, having drinks and playing darts.
INT:
ZAMBONIES’ LOCKER ROOM. NIGHT
EUGENE
sits on a bench on front of a wall of lockers, dressed in full Zambonies’
goalie uniform. He looks around the
locker room, completely confused of his whereabouts. The room is empty.
All
of a sudden, the ghost of BIBLE BOB appears in the doorway to the team’s
showers. BIBLE BOB sits on an
old-fashioned bicycle with an orange flag on the back. He honks his bicycle horn to get EUGENE’S
attention. EUGENE jumps to his feet but
falls on the floor because he doesn’t realize he’s wearing hockey skates.
BIBLE BOB
Eugene!
EUGENE
gets to his feet and sits back down on the bench. He looks over at BIBLE BOB.
EUGENE
Yes,
sir?
BIBLE BOB
Congratulations!
You’ve made it to the next step
in
your journey.
EUGENE
What
do I do next?
BIBLE BOB
You’ve
made it to the Twin Cities. And, by
now,
you’ve certainly figured out what your
mission
is all about. You must now seek out
the
man in charge of the Minnesota Zambonies
-
a man named Sniggy Eskew.
EUGENE
The
gangster?
BIBLE BOB
He
will know how to help you reach your destiny.
Your
uncle Jack will help you find him. I
can-
not
interfere. I mean, I’m dead, for
chrissakes.
Good
luck with your mission.
(beat)
And,
remember, Eugene - trust your instincts.
You
can do it.
The
ghost of BIBLE BOB disappears into thin air.
All of a sudden, EUGENE finds himself standing in the Zambonies’
showers. A blast of cold water erupts
from a shower head and soaks him to the bone.
INT:
HOLIDAY INN. ROOM 225. NIGHT
EUGENE
wakes up in his bed in his hotel room, screaming his head off.
EUGENE
(screaming)
God,
that’s cold! Too cold!
He
quickly realizes it was all a dream.
FADE
TO BLACK
AGAINST
BLACK TITLE CARD:
Midway Stadium, St. Paul
Monday, June 14th,
1999
12:00 p.m.
FADE
IN
EXT:
MIDWAY STADIUM. DAY
The
gang stands in the large parking lot outside St. Paul’s Midway Stadium, home of
the St. Paul Saints minor league baseball team. MARLEY’S SUV is parked in the distance. J.P. greets them at the entrance gate.
INT:
MIDWAY STADIUM. DAY
J.P.
leads the gang into the stadium and out onto the playing field. Ballplayers are busy at practice. Players practice hitting baseballs in a
batting cage, practice pitching and catching, and run laps around the field.
J.P.
Baseball
players are the worst type of athlete.
The
meaning of life for them is baseball, beer,
and
women. The life of a ballplayer - sleep
till
noon, play ball at night, chase the puss
around,
drink beer, shoot the beaver up the
girls’
dresses from down on the field, etc.
And,
that’s exactly the reason my wife divorced
me
after 14 years of marriage and two kids:
my constant
womanizing. Oh, well, a little pali-
mony
never hurt any man’s bank book. Unless,
of
course, you’re Daryl Strawberry.
MARLEY
What
about hockey players?
J.P.
Hockey
players can be the best and nicest ath-
letes
around. They can’t believe they’re get-
ting
paid for what they’re doing. However,
there
are occasions when things get out of hand.
Like
now - the Zambonies are in the Stanley Cup
Finals. The stress is so bad, the players are
ready
to rip each other’s throats out. I
mean, wouldn’t you be stressed out if you were
playing
up
against the meanest hockey team in the league?
I
think the reason there are no Jews in profess-
ional
hockey is because of the Seattle Grunge.
Seattle
jocks are anti-semetic motherfuckers.
They
all have beards, shaved heads, earrings,
and
they listen to that God-awful grunge music.
They’re
satanists, I’m telling you. The same
goes
for baseball. There are no Jews in
base-
ball. We have retards, players with no legs,
midgets,
cross dressers, drug addicts, a female
pitcher
in a male-dominant sport - but no Jews.
Go
figure. Fucking Seattle! Fucking Nazis!
MARLEY
To
live in fear of Seattle is not to live at all.
INT:
MIDWAY STADIUM. FIELD. DAY
The
gang stands down on the field. MARLEY
stands at bat and tries hitting a baseball thrown by the female pitcher. He misses, and the ball goes sailing past
his head. The Saints’ ball boy - a
250-pound pig - retrieves the ball.
MARLEY shakes his head in amazement.
Meanwhile,
CRICKET receives a full-body massage out at the second baseline from a
75-year-old Catholic nun.
RILEY
and ELLIOT try their hands in the batting cage. RILEY gets nailed in the nuts by a ball and falls over onto the
ground, holding his crotch. ELLIOT
laughs.
ELLIOT,
BUDDY, and EUGENE try to score dates with some female groupies. It doesn’t work. SLAP!
And
finally, RILEY and ELLIOT walk out onto the pitcher’s mound, dressed in padded
sumo wrestler fat suits. They challenge
each other to a match.
INT:
SAINTS’ BULLPEN. DAY
MARLEY,
LAZLO, and J.P. sit in the bullpen, watching the others at play. They each drink a glass of beer and smoke
cigars.
MARLEY
I
got to hand it to you, Jack. I’m
impressed
with
what I see. Any chance of us scoring
some
hot
tickets to the Stanley Cup Finals?
J.P.
I
can do better. You can all have VIP
passes
to
the rest of the games. The Zambonies
are
playing
Seattle this Thursday and Saturday at
the
Target Center. You’ll get to sit in the
team’s
private box. There’s a full bar and
buffet
table. You’ll have lots of fun.
EXT: GOLF COURSE. 18th HOLE. DAY
EUGENE
and J.P. ride up to the start of the 18th hole in EUGENE’S golf cruiser. EUGENE cuts the engine, and he and J.P. sit
there for a moment.
EUGENE
I
need to talk with Sniggy Eskew. It’s a
matter
of
vital importance.
J.P.
Why?
All he does is manage the Zambonies.
What
do
you want to talk to him for?
EUGENE
Do
you have your father’s ashes at your house?
J.P.
What’s
left of them. Half of them went up with
the
roof during the explosion. I kept his
ashes
in
the attic. What do you need them for?
EUGENE
You
wouldn’t believe me if I told you.
J.P.
I
have to warn you about Sniggy Eskew.
He’s
crazy,
and he swears a lot.
EUGENE
steps off the golf cart and prepares to tee off. He sets his ball and selects a club. He eyes the hole a hundred yards away. EUGENE swings. His club
connects with the ball, and the ball goes flying. It lands on the green.
It’s now J.P.’s turn.
J.P.
So,
how’s the search coming along for your motor
home?
EUGENE
Nobody
knows a thing. It’s as if the motor
home
just
disappeared off the face of the planet.
J.P.
Don’t
worry. It’ll turn up somewhere. And, if
not,
I’ll buy you a new one. In the
meantime,
I’ll
loan you one of the cars from my collection.
EUGENE
Nothing
beats my old set of wheels. It had a
lot
of
personal touches that would be hard to dupli-
cate.
EUGENE
starts the golf cart’s engine and steps on the accelerator. EUGENE and J.P. take a ride up to the
putting green to finish out their golf match.
INT:
PUTTER’S MANSION. CAR MUSEUM. DAY
J.P.
leads EUGENE, RILEY, and ELLIOT into his garage - or rather, his car
museum. Two thousand square feet of
classic cars from the ‘50s and ‘60s.
We’re talking fancy sets of wheels here. J.P. shows the guys his race car collection. There has to be something in this collection
to replace EUGENE’s motor home, at least temporarily.
J.P.
Take
your pick of one these lovely beauties,
guys. The rest of my collection is off
limits.
If
you plan to spend a week in the cities, you
might
as well do it with some muscle under your
feet. Nobody drives a motor home around here.
EUGENE
sets his sights on a cherry red 1969 Dodge Charger with flame detailing and the
number 69 emblazoned on the doors. The
name of the car is stenciled on the roof - the Sex Machine.
EUGENE
A
1969 Dodge Charger. Quite the lovely
piece
of
late 1960’s craftsmanship.
J.P.
It’s
all beat to hell, but come on. This car
is
a classic. It’s the car I would have
chosen.
With
the special modifications I’ve installed,
this
baby will haul ass down the highways of
middle
America. This thing’s got seatbelts,
a
GPS tracking system, better suspension and
shocks,
bows and arrows, a CD player, a cell
phone,
and windows that actually shut and doors
that
open. Beware of smokies.
RILEY
Is
it better than the General Lee in ‘The Dukes
of
Hazzard’?
J.P.
Fuck
the General Lee.
ELLIOT
But,
will it attract the chicks? I’m looking
for
some action.
J.P.
This
is the Sex Machine. She’s got a super-
charged
cherry under her hood. She’s ready
for
some action. Accept no substitutes. Give
her
a spin. The keys are in the ignition.
EXT:
STREET. DAY
The
Sex Machine’s engine roars to life and peels out of J.P.’s garage. It pulls a quick u-turn and peels rubber
down the street.
INT:
SNIGGY ESKEW’S OFFICE. DAY
EUGENE
sits nervously in front of SNIGGY ESKEW’S desk. It’s only the two of them in the office. SNIGGY sits back in his chair, stroking the
long white fur of his pet cat Corleone.
SNIGGY has an intimidating Godfather-type, short, Italian gangster
presence. He cracks a walnut shell in
his left hand. He stares at EUGENE for
a long, silent moment.
SNIGGY
(to Eugene)
Are
you fucking crazy, son? You want me to
fucking
place your dead fucking grandfather’s
ashes
inside the fucking Stanley Cup to be
put
on display in his home fucking state of
Minnesota
if the Zambonies win the Finals,
just
so he can have eternal peace? You are
out
of your fucking mind? Do you have any
fucking
idea what kind of insurance problems
there
would be in order to pull that off? This
is
the craziest fucking idea I’ve ever fucking
heard.
EUGENE
You’re
him aren’t you? You’re that ex-mobster
guy
- Little Joe?
SNIGGY
What
the fuck’s it to you?
EUGENE
You
wouldn’t happen to have any mob connections
within
the city, would you? Somebody stole my
motor
home from the Grand Casino parking lot
yesterday. Do you think you could help me find
it?
The police are no help.
SNIGGY
Do
I look like fucking Frank Sinatra? My days
as
a mobster are long gone. I’ve gone
legit.
Find
your own fucking motor home. I got a
fucking hockey team to manage. Now, get the
fuck
out of my office before I have security
throw
your ass out. You wouldn’t fucking like
that.
EUGENE
Can
I at least have your autograph to remember
you
by?
SNIGGY
swipes the papers off his desk with his arm.
His desk is now spotless.
SNIGGY
I’ll
show you an autograph! Now, get the fuck
out!
FADE
TO BLACK
AGAINST
BLACK TITLE CARD:
Tuesday, June 15th,
1999
12:00 p.m.
FADE
IN
INT:
MICKEY‘S DINER. DAY
J.P.
treats the gang to lunch at one of his favorite restaurants, the historical
60-year-old Mickey‘s Diner, in downtown St. Paul.
MARLEY,
J.P., and LAZLO sit in a booth. MARLEY
smiles sheepishly. He eats a spoonful
of his soup.
J.P.
(to Marley)
Where’d
you meet your crazy friend there?
MARLEY
In
a strip bar back in Michigan. Lazlo
saved
my
ass from getting a facial by a gang of bikers
who
got pissed at me for looking at the leader’s girlfriend.
J.P.
She
was a stripper?
MARLEY
No,
a transvestite.
J.P.
What
did Lazlo do to the bikers?
MARLEY
Nothing. The bikers kicked his ass while I
made
my getaway. He’s been in rape
counseling
ever
since. It doesn’t matter, though,
because
he’s
the best friend a guy can have. He’ll
put
himself in the line of fire for anybody.
I
guess I owe him some sort of life debt for
saving
my ass. He’s kind of like Chewbacca to
my
Han Solo.
(beat)
What
about you, Jack? What‘s the problem behind
your
relationship with your late father?
J.P.
Well,
it’s like this. My father ran away from
home
and let his family fend for themselves.
He
left while my mother was dying from cancer.
And
now, in my dreams, I keep seeing an appari-
tion
of my dead father telling me to fulfill
some
idiotic crusade he began several years ago
but
never got to finish as a result of his death.
MARLEY
I
think the reason he’s asking you to fulfill
this
quest is to patch up his relationship with
you
and your family. You’ve been estranged
for
nearly
30 years. I think there’s something
else
going
on that you don’t realize. I think you
should
take this quest seriously. How hard can
it
be to win the Stanley Cup?
J.P.
The
Zambonies against the Seattle Grunge? We
don’t
stand a chance in hell.
MARLEY
Don’t
give up the ghost just yet. We have to
make
sure the Zambonies win. You can achieve
victory
and provide your father the peace he
craves. Go for the gold, Jack. Be a man.
Let’s
kick some Seattle ass. You might never
get
another chance at this.
INT:
MALL OF AMERICA. FOOD COURT. DAY
SUBTITLES
APPEAR AT BOTTOM OF SCREEN:
Mall of America
Minneapolis, MN
RILEY
and ELLIOT are chilling out in the food court at the Mall of America.
ELLIOT
Well,
we’re here, Riley. Let’s mingle. Keep
your
eyes peeled for beautiful bunnies. We
need
to get laid.
RILEY
This
is a bad idea.
ELLIOT
Relax,
man.
RILEY
Give
it up. We’re fucking losers. We work in
a
convenience store. No girls will ever
fall
for
us.
RILEY
turns his head and stares at three beautiful girls sitting at a nearby table
drinking sodas.
RILEY
What
about those girls sitting over there?
ELLIOT
looks in the direction RILEY is looking.
He sees the three girls. His jaw
nearly drops.
ELLIOT
They
sure are pink. Holy shit!
The
three girls are very familiar. They’re
the same girls who were hanging out in JUGDISH SIMMS’ pink Cadillac from
earlier at Tobie’s - ELIZA FRENCH, CLEO LONGET, and MERCEDES DeVILLE. Each girl is in their early 20’s, hot and
attractive in their sexy pink outfits.
ELIZA has long black hair, CLEO has short blond hair, and MERCEDES has
short hot pink hair.
ELLIOT
Those
girls are really hot. I think we should
go
over to their table and ask a couple of them
out.
RILEY
Patience,
cousin. Let’s see if anybody’s with
them. Girls like that have to have boyfriends.
INT:
JEWELRY STORE. DAY
Near
the food court is a small jewelry store.
JUGDISH SIMMS and his androgynous friend PARROT are presently scoping
out a counter full of diamond engagement rings. JUGDISH, still in his pink leisure suit and bunny slippers, has
his sights set on a small, fairly inexpensive one carat pink diamond ring. He motions to the female STORE CLERK.
STORE CLERK
How
can I help you guys?
JUGDISH
points to the pink diamond ring. He
speaks with a faintly feminine voice.
JUGDISH
Yes,
I’d like to take a better look at that
pink
diamond engagement ring inside the counter.
INT:
FOOD COURT. DAY
RILEY
and ELLIOT continue to watch ELIZA, CLEO, and MERCEDES sitting at a table
sipping sodas. A moment later, JUGDISH
and PARROT walk over and take a seat at the girls’ table. ELLIOT can’t believe what he sees.
ELLIOT
Holy
shit! I’m seeing pink!
RILEY
How
do weirdoes like that get to hang out with
gorgeous
girls like that?
ELLIOT
Let’s
go over there and find out.
RILEY
and ELLIOT get up from their table and walk over to the girls’ table. They pull up chairs.
JUGDISH
and PARROT look up at RILEY and ELLIOT.
JUGDISH snarls.
ELLIOT
(to Jugdish and Parrot)
You
must excuse Riley and myself. We were
just wondering who these fine ladies are with
you?
JUGDISH
This
is Eliza French, Cleo Longet, and Mercedes DeVille. Just some local girls from the univer-
sity
who work for my father. Eliza is my
girl-
friend.
ELLIOT
They’re
very lovely. Riley and I were just
talk-
ing
about how cute they are. We’re looking
for
a
couple dates for the week. Are Miss
Cleo and Mercedes available?
JUGDISH
Indeed
they are. You can get to know them a
lit-
tle
better at tonight’s party.
ELLIOT
That’s
cool. You wanna hang out, or something?
JUGDISH
My
father’s out of town until tomorrow.
We’re
throwing
a party at the house tonight to watch
the
hockey game. Why don’t you guys come
over?
ELLIOT
Sounds
great to me. Indeed we will.
ELLIOT
gives MERCEDES a soft kiss on her hand.
She begins to blush.
MERCEDES
My!
You’re quite the gentleman. I’m
Mercedes.
ELLIOT
Elliot
Goldenthal. Nice to meet you, Mercedes.
RILEY
shakes CLEO’s hand.
RILEY
Nice
to meet you, Cleo.
(beat)
Do
we need an invite to this party of yours?
JUGDISH
writes the address down on a napkin and hands it to RILEY.
JUGDISH
Here’s
the address to the house. Don’t be
late.
INT:
PUTTER’S MANSION. LOUNGE. NIGHT
EUGENE
is standing in the lounge, digging through a fridge for a late night
snack. He pulls out a bag of
marshmallows and graham crackers. A
Frisbee is clenched between his teeth.
Meanwhile,
BUDDY and CRICKET talk at the bar as they watch the hockey game on
television. They’re talking about
marriage.
CRICKET
(sips her coffee)
That’s
a hell of a lot more than I can say of
my
wedding to Marley, as illegal as it was.
BUDDY
What
do you mean, illegal?
CRICKET
I
was married when I was only 16. Marley
was
36
or 37 at the time. I was working as a
tour
guide
at Michigan State. Marley had some sort
of
college reunion. We met on a campus
tour.
We
went out for a few drinks, we fooled around
-
more than we should have - we moved in toge-
ther
- I was living away from home at the time
-
and we finally got married, without my par-
ents
ever knowing. One of Marley’s buddies
from
the war is a real shyster minister. He
approved
our marriage license. It was quite
the
shotgun wedding, I should say. We’ve
fuck-
ed
liked minks, and we’ve lived happily these
past
eight years. So to speak.
BUDDY
No
time for little rugrats?
CRICKET
Having
children: the only Achilles heel in
our
marriage. I want children, and Marley
doesn’t. He claims he’s too old, or there’ll
be
a birth defect as a result from his exposure
to
Agent Orange from Vietnam.
(beat)
If
I don’t get pregnant in the next couple years,
I’m
gonna ask one of Marley’s friends to do the
honors. God forbid, let it be Lazlo.
CRICKET
sips her coffee and lights a cigarette.
A short time later, EUGENE arrives carrying a brown grocery bag. He approaches the two at the bar.
EUGENE
(pulls out the bag of
marshmallows)
Either
of you care to join me outside for a
game
of Frisbee and some smores?
EUGENE
looks over at CRICKET and BUDDY. They
nod in acknowledge-ment.
CRICKET
We’ll
go.
INT:
PUTTER’S MANSION. NIGHT
MARLEY,
LAZLO, and J.P. stand in the living room.
LAZLO
(to Marley)
You
coming or not?
MARLEY
You
guys go on ahead. I’m going to wait for
Cricket
to get back from wherever it is she
ran
off to. The least you could do is get a
barbecue
going. I’ll be along shortly.
J.P.
All
right, man. See you in a bit.
With
that, J.P. and LAZLO are history, leaving only MARLEY inside the living
room. He looks out the window.
MARLEY
Now...where’d
the wife go?
EXT:
PUTTER’S MANSION. BEACH. NIGHT
CRICKET
and BUDDY are sitting around a picnic table inside a beachside gazebo, roasting
marshmallows over the small fire they managed to start in the fireplace. They’re talking about hockey.
BUDDY
I’ve
never been much of a hockey fan. Riley
and
Elliot are, though.
CRICKET
I
used to play hockey in high school, back home
in
Michigan. I was fairly good at it, but
the
thought
of a female hockey league never really
caught
on. I’ve since lost interest.
(she sips a cup of coffee)
It
just pisses me off that women aren’t allowed
to
compete in professional hockey. Women
are
just
as good as men. I should know. What I
want,
though, is for there to be co-ed teams.
I
mean, if the St. Paul Saints can have a fe-
male
pitcher, why can’t a professional hockey
team
have a female goalie?
(beat)
The
reason I think women aren’t pushing to play professional
hockey is because of all the sex-
ist
terminology. For example: “penalty box”,
“dump
and chase”, “in the crease”, “on top of
the
crease”, “slipped it between the pads”,
“high-sticking”,
“spearing”, “power play”,
“wrap
around goal”...the list goes on and on.
The
two share a laugh.
EXT:
DECK. NIGHT
MARLEY
exits the house and steps out onto the rear deck, over-looking Beaver Creek,
looking for his wife CRICKET. He hears
sound coming from down by the beach. It
is then that he sees his wife. MARLEY
smiles devilishly.
EXT:
BEACH. NIGHT
EUGENE
takes a seat at the picnic table next to the two. He looks at the fire in the fireplace.
EUGENE
Anybody
up for a game of Frisbee?
CRICKET
gets up and walks over to the exit.
CRICKET
You
two can play Frisbee while I go swimming.
It’s
getting hot out.
EUGENE
Sounds
fine to me.
(to Buddy)
You
feeling limber?
CRICKET
walks past a smoldering campfire on the beach near the shoreline. A couple of beachgoers are passed out cold
from a night of hard partying. Ignoring
them, CRICKET starts taking her clothes off and runs naked into the water. She splashes her way out into the deeper
water until she is completely submerged.
She dives under then quickly resurfaces. She wipes the water from her eyes and pulls her wet hair out of
her face. She continues to wade out
into deeper water.
UNDERWATER
CRICKET’S
legs move back and forth in the water.
The unseen predator moves in closer for an impending attack.
EXT:
BEACH. NIGHT
On
the beach by the campfire, EUGENE throws the Frisbee to BUDDY. He misses it and chases after it. EUGENE scans the shoreline for CRICKET.
EUGENE
(to Cricket)
How’s
the water?
CRICKET
Exhilarating!
You gotta come in here!
EUGENE
No,
thanks! I’m a little overdressed.
BUDDY
throws the Frisbee to EUGENE, but instead of him catching it, the Frisbee
smashes him in the face. He drops to
his knees and whips the Frisbee in BUDDY’s direction. The Frisbee soars over his head and flies into the darkness. Blood drips from EUGENE’s nose.
EUGENE
(wiping blood from his face)
Now
that’s exhilarating.
BUDDY
I’m
sorry.
EUGENE
Think
nothing of it. That was my fault.
Back
to CRICKET in the water...
She
begins swimming back to shore.
UNDERWATER
As
CRICKET’S arms and legs move through the water, the unseen predator moves in
for the kill.
EXT:
BEACH. NIGHT
As
CRICKET swims, she is suddenly pulled under the surface of the water. She gasps as she’s lurched downward. Her arms reappear and then disappear just as
quick.
A
short while later, MARLEY emerges from the water onto the beach wearing a green
wetsuit, a diving mask, and flippers.
He carries the naked body of his wife ashore in his arms. She’s laughing her ass off, quite literally,
considering she is completely nude.
CRICKET
(to Marley)
You
and fucking ‘Jaws‘! God, you’re such an ass-
hole.
MARLEY
(as Han Solo in
‘The Empire Strikes Back’)
Afraid
I was going to leave without giving you
a
goodbye kiss?
CRICKET
I
could use a good kiss, General Solo.
The
two of them share a long, passionate kiss and then part lips.
CRICKET
Would
you put me down and hand me my clothes.
There’s
people around.
MARLEY
puts CRICKET down and picks her clothes up off the beach.
EXT:
SIMMS’ MANSION. COURTYARD. NIGHT
The
cherry red Sex Machine race car pulls into the courtyard driveway outside
JUGDISH SIMMS’ house - a huge mansion - and parks in front of a large car
garage. The courtyard is full of cars -
none too fancy, however.
INT:
BALLROOM. NIGHT
JUGDISH’S
Stanley Cup party is in full-swing. The
main floor ballroom is packed to the rafters with hockey groupies. Fans watch Game Four of the Stanley Cup
Finals on a big screen TV in a fully-stocked bar. All sorts of gambling is taking place: poker, craps, blackjack, roulette, etc. People are also betting on the outcome of the hockey game. As Game Four currently stands, the Minnesota
Zambonies are being crushed by the Seattle Grunge.
INT:
BALLROOM. NIGHT
RILEY
and ELLIOT enter into the ballroom. The
place is full of the usual groupies.
Nothing too bizarre.
EXT:
BATHROOM. NIGHT
RILEY
stands outside a bathroom, waiting for ELLIOT to come out. Nearby, a BARTENDER stands pissing on a
large plant. The BARTENDER looks up at
RILEY.
BARTENDER
Have
a beer, man. It don’t cost nothing.
RILEY
grabs a couple cans of beer from the bar.
ELLIOT comes walking out of the bathroom wearing a red silk robe.
ELLIOT
(to bartender)
Barkeep?
You wouldn’t happen to know where we
can
find Cleo and Mercedes - two gorgeous girls
looking
for some action?
BARTENDER
Downstairs. That’s where all the major action is.
The
BARTENDER hands ELLIOT and RILEY each a roll of quarters.
BARTENDER
You’ll
be needing these.
(to Riley)
You
might also consider trying on a silk robe.
INT:
ELEVATOR. NIGHT
RILEY
and ELLIOT take an elevator down to the basement level.
INT:
HALLWAY. NIGHT
The
basement level - nicknamed The Bunny Club - is a dark maze of velvet padded
hallways. It’s like a scene straight
out of ‘The Rocky Horror Picture Show’.
The main floor has the normal group-ies - ones interested in watching
the hockey game; the basement level, on the other hand, is the center of
weirdness. Freaks of nature are
everywhere. Tattoos and body piercings
galore. Skin-heads, bikers, strippers,
whores, punks, drug dealers, gays, and lesbians.
RILEY
and ELLIOT walk down a corridor. They
admire the freak show along the way.
RILEY and ELLIOT are now both wearing red silk robes. Needless to say, they fit in with the
crowd. Almost everybody is wearing a
robe. ELLIOT stops a FREAK in the hall.
ELLIOT
Excuse
me. Do you know where my friend and I
can
find Cleo and Mercedes?
The
FREAK points down another hallway.
FREAK
Try
in there.
INT:
BLACK HALL. NIGHT
RILEY
and ELLIOT enter into a short dark hallway lined with black curtains. The FREAK leads them to two private viewing
rooms. Down the hall, JUGDISH and
PARROT stand talking to a drug dealer.
They each take a snort from a vial of cocaine.
RILEY
Those
two should feel right at home in this
freak
show.
INT:
RILEY’S CUBICLE. NIGHT
RILEY
enters into a small dark cubicle lined with black curtains and a large picture
window masked by a black shutter. A
door sits nearby. It is locked from the
outside.
RILEY
What
the hell is with this place?
INT:
MISCELLANEOUS CUBICLES. NIGHT
A
wide array of freaks stand in their own individual cubicles. They are busy feeding quarters into coin
slots.
INT:
JUGDISH’S CUBICLE. NIGHT
JUGDISH
and PARROT share a single cubicle. They
wear only their underwear. JUGDISH
wears metallic pink bikini briefs, while PARROT wears black bikini briefs. They are busy snorting lines of cocaine off
a counter top.
INT:
ELLIOT’S CUBICLE. NIGHT
A
small sign on the coin slot flashes ‘Please Deposit Quarters’. ELLIOT deposits his ten-dollar roll of
quarters into the coin slot.
INT:
RILEY’S CUBICLE. NIGHT
RILEY
presses a red button on the wall below the picture window. The black shutter begins to open, revealing
a small room with a wall of black curtains and a black-marbled floor.
INT:
BUNNY ROOM. NIGHT
On
a stainless steel table in the center of the room lays JUG-DISH’S girlfriend
ELIZA FRENCH, her legs spread eagle, getting fucked on both ends at the same
time by two oiled down MUSCLE MEN.
Behind
the threesome, a pool of black oil sits within the marbled floor.
INT:
ANTE ROOM. NIGHT
Behind
the wall of black curtains, CLEO LONGET and MERCEDES DeVILLE step down into a
pool of black oil, dressed in skintight hot pink rubber skinsuits, and
disappear below the surface of the pool.
INT:
BUNNY ROOM. NIGHT
CLEO
and MERCEDES re-emerge onstage covered in the black oil. They crawl out of the pool like felines and
start frolicking around on the floor.
They start kissing and grinding, and feeling each other up.
INT:
ELLIOT’S CUBICLE. NIGHT
ELLIOT
watches the strip show through the picture window. He is transfixed by the sexual action taking place only feet from
where he stands.
INT:
BUNNY ROOM. NIGHT
CLEO
and MERCEDES step under a milk shower and wash the black oil off each other,
while making out at the same time. They
soon decide to join in on the threesome.
It’s
now a sexual quintet. The five have sex
with each other for a couple minutes, and then the two MUSCLE MEN leave and
disappear into the pool of black oil.
CLEO,
MERCEDES, and ELIZA each approach a different viewing booth of their
choosing. CLEO chooses RILEY; MERCEDES
chooses ELLIOT; and ELIZA chooses JUGDISH and PARROT.
CLEO,
MERCEDES, and ELIZA start licking the outside of the glass with their
tongues.
INT:
RILEY’S CUBICLE. NIGHT
RILEY
smiles at CLEO while she licks the glass on the other side. She smiles back at him.
INT:
BUNNY ROOM. NIGHT
CLEO,
MERCEDES, and ELIZA unlock the doors on their individual booths and join their
guys inside the private cubicles.
INT:
RILEY’S/ELLIOT’S CUBICLES. NIGHT
The
guys make out with their women.
INT:
JUGDISH’S CUBICLE. NIGHT
JUGDISH
kisses ELIZA, while PARROT fucks her in the ass.
INT:
HOT TUB. NIGHT
RILEY,
ELLIOT, JUGDISH, and PARROT all hang out in a hot tub, drink glasses of
champagne, and smoke cigars. Their
robes sit at the edge of the hot
tub. CLEO, MERCEDES, and ELIZA sit in
the tub, dressed in hot pink and black swimsuits, alongside their men. Banners and signs behind them advertise the
Grunge’s victory over the Zambonies in Game Four.
JUGDISH
removes a small box from the pocket of his robe and holds it up for all to see.
JUGDISH
I
would like to make a toast...
Everybody
holds up their champagne glasses.
JUGDISH
(continued)
...a
toast to my beautiful girlfriend, Eliza,
on
the assumption that she will accept my mar-
riage
proposal.
JUGDISH
hands the small box to ELIZA. She opens
it slowly to reveal an expensive pink diamond ring.
JUGDISH
(to Eliza)
Eliza,
my princess, will you marry me?
ELIZA
smiles and kisses JUGDISH. Everybody
cheers and claps.
ELIZA
Of
course I will.
She
and JUGDISH lock lips and embrace each other for a long moment. PARROT joins in. RILEY and ELLIOT roll their eyes. RILEY whispers to ELLIOT.
RILEY
What’s
going on here?
CLEO
whispers into RILEY’S ear.
CLEO
You
must understand that Jugdish has a small
deformity
that doesn’t allow him to perform
sexually. That’s where Parrot enters the pic-
ture. Jugdish and Parrot operate as a unit.
They’re
both in love with Eliza. They’re a
mutual
threesome. While Jugdish is proposing
to
Eliza, Parrot is also proposing. She’s
go-
ing
to marry both of them.
RILEY
What
kind of “small deformity” are we talking
about
here?
CLEO
I’ll
explain later.
ELLIOT
lounges against the wall of the hot tub with his arms outstretched. He scratches MERCEDES’ head. She purrs like a kitten.
ELLIOT
Great
party! What a freak show!
FADE
OUT
AGAINST
BLACK TITLE CARD:
Wednesday, June 16th,
1999
9:30 a.m.
FADE
IN
EXT:
AIRPORT. DAY
A
private jet sits on the tarmac outside an airplane terminal at the Twin Cities
Airport. A staircase is put in
position, and the plane’s passenger door opens. Seattle Grunge owner and million-aire businessman ARCHIE SIMMS, a
Sicilian in his late fifties, steps down from the plane, carrying a briefcase
and a leather duffel bag, and approaches a waiting limousine. SIMMS’ personal chauffer opens a passenger
door, and SIMMS climbs inside.
The
limo pulls away, and a Greyhound bus pulls up.
Hockey players from the Seattle Grunge disembark the plane and climb on
the bus. The Grunge is a large bunch of
some of the nastiest looking athletes you’ve ever seen. All muscle and bad attitudes.
EXT:
EMBASSY SUITES. DAY
The
Greyhound bus sits in the parking lot outside a Embassy Suites hotel. From a third floor window, a TV comes
crashing through a window and smashes on the sidewalk below.
A
pizza delivery car pulls up to the hotel’s main entrance, and a PIZZA GIRL
climbs out carrying a stack of pizza boxes.
A Grunger
is hung from his feet out the window by a fellow drunken player.
INT:
HOTEL SUITE. DAY
A
drunken party is taking place in a Grunge player’s hotel suite. Multiple bottles of booze line a
counter. Coolers of beer sit on the
floor. The bathtub is filled with cans
of beer on ice. Players are having a
blast trashing the room. They’re still
celebrating their victory against the Minnesota Zambonies the night before in
Game Four of the Stanley Cup Finals.
EXT:
HALLWAY. DAY
The
PIZZA GIRL steps off an elevator and comes walking down the hall carrying the
pizzas. She approaches the players’
party suite. She knocks on the door.
INT:
HOTEL SUITE. DAY
A
Grunger opens the door and pulls the PIZZA GIRL inside the room. The player
throws the pizza boxes down on the floor.
The PIZZA GIRL starts removing her uniform. The hotel room door slams shut.
INT:
SIMMS’ MANSION. BALLROOM. DAY
The
front door opens and ARCHIE SIMMS steps inside the room. The house is a complete disaster from the
party the night before. SIMMS drops his
bags on the floor and walks through the room, in-vestigating the mess.
SIMMS
Great!
Leave your kids alone for a few days, and
they
trash the place.
INT:
JUGDISH’S BEDROOM. DAY
JUGDISH’S
bedroom is full of all things pink: a
John Waters’ ‘Pink Flamingos’ movie poster, a VHS and laserdisc copy of ‘Pink
Flamingos’, Pink Panther memorabilia and videos, thick pink shag carpet, neon
pink signs, magazine clippings of pink female genit-alia, bags of pink
marshmallows, a pink ping-pong table, pink curtains, pink light fixtures, a
pink heart-shaped waterbed, pink musical instruments, a pink pool table, pink
glow-in-the-dark condoms, pink bikini underwear, pink sex toys, pink bunny
slippers, a copy of Carrie Fisher’s book ‘Surrender the Pink’, etc. ‘Pink Cashmere’ by Led Zeppelin plays
continuously on the stereo.
ARCHIE
SIMMS enters into his son’s bedroom.
Sleeping on the king-sized waterbed are JUGDISH, ELIZA, and PARROT. From the look of things, the three have been
engaged in some serious hardcore fucking and drug use. Condom wrappers and pink lingerie are
scattered all across the floor, as well as a leather whip and a mirror on a bedside
counter covered with cocaine residue.
SIMMS hurls a shirt at JUGDISH.
JUGDISH
stirs awake. He opens his eyes and
suddenly discovers his father standing in the room. JUGDISH pulls the pink bed covers over his naked body.
SIMMS
(to Jugdish)
Bunny?
Clean up the mess!
JUGDISH
Right
away, Dad.
SIMMS
You
kids these days. You’re nothing but
trouble.
It’s
all sex, drugs, and that godforsaken shit
you
call rock-n-roll. Why don’t you people
move
into
your own place and get a real job. Make
a
real
living, instead of sponging off your folks.
Be
a man.
(looks around the room)
And,
Bunny, get rid of all this pink shit.
You’re
in
your mid-thirties for chrissake. There
comes
a
time when one must throw away childish things.
This
fetish you have for the color pink is start-
ing
to trouble your mother and me. Be a
man.
JUGDISH
How
can I be a man? You treat me like a girl.
SIMMS
You
are a girl.
INT:
CLEO’S AND MERCEDES’ BEDROOM. DAY
RILEY
and CLEO, and ELLIOT and MERCEDES lay in bed together smok-ing cigarettes. They can hear SIMMS’ voice echoing from down
the hall.
RILEY
Who’s
the uninvited guest?
CLEO
That’s
Archie - Jugdish’s dad.
ELLIOT
Wait
a minute! Archie Simms, the owner of the
Seattle
Grunge? He’s Jugdish’s dad?
RILEY
Holy
shit! We’re in enemy territory.
ELLIOT
I
thought Archie Simms lived in Seattle?
MERCEDES
One
of the perks of being rich - you can afford
to
have houses all over the place.
RILEY
What
does Archie see in a kid like Jugdish?
Jugdish
is a fucking fruitcake. So is his an-
drogynous
friend, Parrot.
CLEO
It’s
a bit complicated to explain.
EXT:
AIRPORT. DAY
A
rust bucket of a plane sits on the runway outside an airport terminal. It’s an old freight plane, carrying a load
of chickens. A rickety old school bus
sits nearby. The Minnesota Zambonies’
players disembark from the plane.
Chickens and chicken feathers fly out the passenger door.
Player
REID FERRIN is hopping mad. He explains
his frustration to fellow Zambonie ERIC RAATSI.
FERRIN
I’m
fucking tired of this shit, man. My
name
is
Reid Ferrin. I’m a god damn
professional
hockey
player. We’re all professionals, man,
and
this is what we get to travel around in.
A
fucking rust bucket full of fucking god damn chickens. My clothes are covered in chicken
shit,
for chrissake.
RAATSI
Would
you relax, dude. We’re on the ground.
FERRIN
Yeah,
but look at that piece of shit school bus
we
get to ride in. It’s worse than that
fuck- ing plane.
It’s a god damn piece of shit school
bus,
man. Do I look like a fucking school
kid
with
zits all over my face? No! I’m a god damn professional
hockey player. We’re playing in
the
Stanley Cup Finals, dammit. We deserve
lux-
ury,
man. A private jet and a luxury
Greyhound
tour
bus, just like the Seattle Grunge. If
the Zambonies’ owners aren’t willing to fork
over
the
dough for the luxury goods, I don’t want
to
be playing for the fucking Zambonies. I
can’t
wait
till this season’s over, man. I’ll be a
free
agent. I’m cruising this fucking
berg.
RAATSI
You’re
not the only one who feels the way you
do. I’d give anything to jump ship to a better team, but we still got three more games
until
the
Finals are over. It’s just three more
games.
Try
to stick it out.
FERRIN
Fuck
the Zambonies, man. I hope they fucking
lose.
RAATSI
Shut
up and get on the bus.
EXT:
SNIGGY’S MANSION. NIGHT
A
party is raging at SNIGGY ESKEW’S mansion on Beaver Creek, just down the block
from J.P. PUTTER’S house. The street
and driveway outside are packed with fancy cars. A white limousine sits outside the main entrance. The chauffer sits against the hood smoking a
cigarette. A Greyhound bus pulls up to
the curb.
INT:
SNIGGY’S MANSION. BALLROOM. NIGHT
SNIGGY’S
butler ALFRED carries around a serving tray with glasses of champagne and
beer. SNIGGY takes a glass of
champagne, takes a sip, realizes the champagne tastes like shit, and puts his
glass down on the green felt surface of a pool table. ALFRED snatches the glass up before somebody knocks it over. SNIGGY walks away, oblivious.
Rich
snobs and their sexy wives are all around the joint. Select members of the Zambonies hang around some hot female
groupies playing poker and craps.
MARLEY and LAZLO stand talking to J.P., and CRICKET sits alone at the
bar talking to the bartender. She sips
a margarita.
EXT:
POOL. NIGHT
RILEY,
CLEO, ELLIOT, MERCEDES, EUGENE, and BUDDY hang out pool-side. ELLIOT runs off the diving board and belly
flops into the pool. RILEY and CLEO sit
on deck chairs talking.
Meanwhile,
BUDDY pulls his shirt over his head and pretends to be a lake monster. He attacks EUGENE in the pool and drags him
und-erwater. EUGENE flops around like a
little sissy girl. ELLIOT floats in the
pool on his back, drinking a beer.
INT:
BALLROOM. NIGHT
Inside
the house, MARLEY and LAZLO play a game of billiards. All of a sudden, the front door bursts open, and ARCHIE SIMMS and
some of the Grunge players enter. The
Grungers see the Zambonies’ players and decide to cause a little trouble. SIMMS, mean-while, approaches SNIGGY.
SIMMS
(to Sniggy)
Nice
party, Joseph. Not as good as one of my
parties,
but good, none the less.
SNIGGY
What
the fuck do you want, Archie? This is a
private
team party.
SIMMS
I
came to make a little business proposal to
you. I have with me a contract, which, in the
effect
you agree to the terms outlined, would
hand
control of the Zambonies over to me if
and
when they lose the Stanley Cup Finals.
This
is just an offer for you to make some mon-
ey. I mean, let’s face it, the Zambonies can’t
play
worth a damn. One wonders how the hell
they
managed to make it to the Finals in the
first
place. This is a good business
opportun-
ity
for you and your business partners.
Your
team
loses the Finals, and its stock price plum-
mets
into the red. Let’s face the music, the
Zambonies
don’t stand a chance in hell against
the
Grunge. Why not make some money off
their
failure?
It’s not as much what the team’s curr-
ently
worth, but it’s still a decent figure.
What
do you say? Sign the contract?
SIMMS
removes the contract from his inner suit pocket and holds it out for
SNIGGY. He offers SNIGGY a pen to sign
his signature. SNIGGY declines the
proposal.
SNIGGY
Never
in a million years.
SIMMS
tucks the contract away.
SIMMS
I
hope you reconsider my proposal. You’re
a
good
man, Joseph. I don’t want to see a
fellow
businessman
like yourself fall on hard times
because
of a simple misjudgment.
SNIGGY
Go
fuck yourself, Archie.
SIMMS
I’ll
do that.
SIMMS
walks away.
Meanwhile,
three Grungers disrupt the Zambonies’ players’ party. They scatter poker chips across the floor and steal some of their
prize money. The Zambonies’ players get
pissed and start brawling with their rivals.
The
Grunge goalie, NATE DYBVIG, takes a seat next to CRICKET at the bar. She looks at him and smiles.
DYBVIG
(to Cricket)
Hello. Can I buy you a drink?
CRICKET
holds up her margarita glass.
CRICKET
No
thanks. I already got one.
CRICKET
glances around the room. She sees the
female groupies hanging around the Zambonies and the Grungers, engaged in a
fist fight.
CRICKET
(to Dybvig)
You
guys didn’t bring any of your own dates to
the
party. That’s kind of unusual. I thought
girls
flocked around professional athletes.
DYBVIG
I’m
not interested in women. I have my eyes
set
on the Zambonies’ Jon Gunderson #10.
CRICKET
is caught off guard. She spills her
drink on her lap.
CRICKET
You’re
saying you’re gay?
DYBVIG
It’s
my only personal secret. I’ve never
told
anybody,
except to you just now.
CRICKET
If
you like guys, why are you over here talking
to
me? Why did you offer to buy me a drink?
DYBVIG
You
were sitting at the bar all by your lonesome
self. I’m just trying to be a gentleman.
CRICKET
That’s
nice of you, but I don’t hang out with
the
enemy. Excuse me.
CRICKET
pours her margarita over DYBVIG’S head and walks away. DYBVIG is left fuming.
DYBVIG
Fucking
bitch.
Meanwhile,
SIMMS breaks up the brawling hockey players.
SIMMS
Guys,
give it a rest. Save the brawling for
the
ice. This is a party. Go have some fun. Find
some
women.
The
Grungers stop fighting with the Zambonies and walk away. The female groupies flock after them. SIMMS is left alone with four Zambonies’
players - REID FERRIN, ERIC RAATSI, PETE SUCHOSKI, and BERNIE BRASSIER. SIMMS smiles.
SIMMS
You
four guys are the top players for the Zam-
bonies. You’re up against my boys tomorrow
night
in Game Five. You know you don’t stand
a
chance at winning. And, I know how much
you
hate
playing for the Zambonies. Well, I’m
here
to
make you four an offer you can’t refuse.
I
won’t
go into the details around here.
There’s
too
many people around. But, I will say
this -
how
would you four like a position on the Seattle
Grunge
next season?
FERRIN
You
bet we would. I’m sick of this fucking
piss-
poor
excuse for a hockey team. What do we
have
to
do?
SIMMS
Come
by my house tomorrow night following the
game. I’ll fill you in on the details.
SIMMS
walks away and exits the house through the front door. The door slams shut behind him.
FADE
OUT
AGAINST
BLACK TITLE CARD:
Thursday, June 17th,
1999
FADE
IN
VALLEY
FAIR MONTAGE
RILEY,
ELLIOT, CLEO, and MERCEDES ride a rollercoaster. They scream and raise their hands as their car goes into a loop.
They
ride the flume. A huge wave of water
cascades over a crowd of people standing on a bridge as their log drops over
the hill.
They
ride the rapids of Thunder Canyon. They
get soaked by the waterfall.
They
play Skeeball in the penny arcade.
They
ride the Gravitron. ELLIOT pukes, and
his vomit clings to the wall under zero gravity. The ride comes to an abrupt end.
They
slide down the waterslides.
They
inner tube down the lazy river.
A
group photo is taken of them standing on the bridge by the flume. They receive a large framed photograph of
themselves.
They
walk through the parking lot to the Sex Machine. The four of them are all laughing and cheering. CLEO and MERCEDES each carry a large stuffed
animal. RILEY and ELLIOT each carry sticks
of cotton candy.
The
Sex Machine peels out of the parking lot.
END
MONTAGE
EXT:
TARGET CENTER. EARLY EVENING
Hockey
fans swarm the streets and sidewalks outside the Target Center in downtown St.
Paul. Game Five of the 1999 Stanley Cup
Finals is about to commence.
SUBTITLES
APPEAR AT BOTTOM OF SCREEN:
The Stanley Cup Finals
Game Five
The Target Center
St. Paul, Minnesota
Thursday, June 17th,
1999
6:55 p.m.
INT:
VIP BOX. EARLY EVENING
MARLEY,
LAZLO, J.P., SNIGGY, CRICKET, BUDDY, and EUGENE arrive in J.P.’s VIP box just
in time for the start of the hockey game.
The hockey players are practicing down on the ice. MARLEY and the gang all have trays of beer
and hot dogs. MARLEY and LAZLO wear
souvenir caps reading ‘Seattle Sucks!’.
LAZLO wears a white T-shirt reading ‘Fuck Seattle!’ with a large cartoon
hand giving Seattle the finger.
INT:
ARENA. EARLY EVENING
The
players exit the ice. The two refs
enter the rink and skate around. One
goalie from each team skates out and takes position at the two opposing nets.
Familiar
sports arena music starts blasting over the loudspeakers.
The
clock on the scoreboard locks to 20:00 - Period 1.
Five
players from each team take position at center ice. However, nowhere in sight are the four top players from the
Minnesota Zambonies - ERIC RAATSI, REID FERRIN, PETE SUCHOSKI, and BERNIE
BRASSIER. They’re all stuck on the
bench, forced to watch the game from the sidelines.
The
REF drops the puck and the game begins.
The Zambonies take control of the puck from the Grunge.
MARLEY
and LAZLO tape a large banner up on the plexi-glass window of the VIP box. It reads:
‘Seattle Can Kiss Our Stinky White Asses!’. MARLEY and LAZLO drop their drawers and take turns rubbing their
asses against the plexi-glass. They
high-five each other.
MARLEY
(yells)
Seattle
can kiss my ass! Pucker up and start
smooching!
LAZLO
Yeah!
INT:
TARGET CENTER. ARENA. LATER
The
hockey game is just starting its second period. The Minnesota Zambonies are currently winning 2-1 points against
the Seattle Grunge.
The
four top Zambonies’ players are still seated on the bench, and they are none
too happy. REID FERRIN is the angriest
of them all. He’s ready to strangle his
coach, MICKEY COEN.
FERRIN
(to Coach Coen)
What
gives, Coach? When are we gonna be allowed
to
play? They need us out there.
COACH COEN
The
last I checked, we were winning two points
to
one. Your help is not currently needed.
FERRIN
Let
us play. We need to earn a bonus.
COACH COEN
It’s
time to try out the benchwarmers out there.
You
four have hogged the ice all season.
Let
the
underdogs play for a change. Let them
earn
their
stripes. You guys are the backup
reserves
in
case the Zambonies start losing.
FERRIN
Who
gives a flying fuck if the Zambonies do
lose?
I just want the fuck out of Minnesota.
It’s
too fucking cold, and the people talk
funny.
COACH COEN
You
betcha.
INT:
TARGET CENTER. ARENA. LATER
Game
Five of the Stanley Cup ends with the Minnesota Zambonies scoring the winning
goal - 3-1 points. They now lead the
Seattle Grunge three games to two. One
more winning game and the Cup is theirs.
The
audience erupts and cheers.
EXT:
SIMMS’ MANSION. COURTYARD. NIGHT
The
Sex Machine speeds into the courtyard driveway outside SIMMS’ mansion and pulls
a quick 180-degree turn and comes to a stop in front of SIMMS’ large car
garage. The guys and girls pile out of
the car.
Several
other fancy cars are parked around the courtyard.
RILEY
Looks
like Archie’s throwing a big post-game
losers
party.
CLEO
I
don’t think so. Archie usually throws a
shit
fit
when one of his teams loses an important
game.
ELLIOT
Okay,
then. He’s probably schooling his
players’
asses
about the rules of winning a game. What
else
would it be?
ELLIOT
walks over to the front of the garage and tries to sneak a peek inside. The windows are covered in a thick grime.
ELLIOT
Wonder
what kind of cars Archie keeps in his
garage?
Probably some really expensive wheels.
(beat)
It’s
too dark inside. I can’t see in. I’m
going
in for a closer look. Watch my
ass.
Be
on the lookout for smokies.
ELLIOT
walks around to the side of the garage and enters in through the side
door. As he does so, RILEY scopes out
SIMMS’ party through a first-floor window with a pair of binoculars from the
Sex Machine. He can see SIMMS, JUGDISH,
and the PARROT inside, but that’s it.
MERCEDES
What
are you looking for?
RILEY
Anything
suspicious.
(beat)
Well,
there are three banthas in there, but I
don’t
see any... Wait a minute! There are
Sand-
people
- I can see one of them now!
Through
his binoculars, RILEY witnesses SIMMS handing a thick en-velope to a player
from the Minnesota Zambonies. A moment
later, more Zambonies’ players appear.
SIMMS hands each of them an env-elope also. RILEY watches intently as one of the players removes a large wad
of cash from the envelope.
CLEO
What
do you see?
RILEY
Jackpot!
(beat)
Something
fishy is up. You better get Elliot.
INT:
GARAGE. NIGHT
ELLIOT
is busy checking out SIMMS’ collection of fancy cars, using a flashlight to see
his way around in the dark. Among
SIMMS’ collection: a white stretch
limousine; a mint condition silver James Dean-style Porsche Spider; a cherry
red Lamborghini; a black BMW; JUGDISH’S pink Cadillac; and a very familiar
motor home detailed with hot pink striping and pink flamingos.
ELLIOT
Holy
shit! Look what the cat dragged in.
And
just then, the garage lights flicker on.
ELLIOT ducks down between the Cadillac and the motor home to hide. He turns off his flashlight. He listens as footsteps inch their way
closer. Somebody sneaks up behind him
and grabs his arm. ELLIOT jumps up and
flips RILEY over onto his back. ELLIOT
almost takes RILEY’s head off with the flashlight but stops short when he
recognizes the intruder as his cousin.
RILEY is cowering on the ground like a little girl. He pulls his hands away from his face. RILEY smiles up at ELLIOT.
RILEY
Howdy,
cousin.
ELLIOT
Jesus
Christ, Riley! You almost gave me a
friggin’
heart attack.
RILEY
Sorry. Better check your shorts for Hershey
squirts.
CLEO
and MERCCEDES walk over and join ELLIOT and RILEY by the motor home. ELLIOT motions to the girls.
ELLIOT
Cut
the lights. We don’t need to be
spotted.
CLEO
walks over to the entrance and turns off the light switch. ELLIOT turns his flashlight back on.
RILEY
What
are you so scared about, G.?
ELLIOT
Take
a look at what I found.
ELLIOT
flashes his light over at the motor home.
ELLIOT
Recognize
this?
RILEY
can’t believe his eyes. His jaw drops.
RILEY
Eugene’s
motor home. What is it doing in here?
ELLIOT
Good
question.
(beat)
Check
out the pink detailing on the sides.
Only
someone
with a fetish for the color pink would
steal
a motor home like this.
RILEY
You
mean our old friend Jugdish?
ELLIOT
The
one and only.
ELLIOT
turns to the girls for some answers.
ELLIOT
(to Cleo and Mercedes)
Could
either one of you please fill us in why
Jugdish
would want with our friend Eugene’s
wheels?
MERCEDES
and CLEO try to cover their tracks.
MERCEDES
Jugdish
just bought it last week. He plans to
use
it as a tour bus for his Seattle grunge band -
The
Flamingos.
RILEY
Bought
it my ass. This motor home belongs to
our
friend Eugene Putter. It was stolen
last
weekend
from a casino parking lot in Hinckley.
We
had to drive all the way here on a golf
cart.
ELLIOT
(to Cleo and Mercedes)
I’m
not buying your story. I think you know
more
about this than what you’re telling us.
You
were there with Jugdish when he stole this
motor
home, weren’t you? I bet the Parrot and
your
friend Eliza were also there. What’s
the
deal?
RILEY
And
also, what is Archie paying those Zambonies’ players
for? Something is rotten in the state
of
Minnesota.
ELLIOT
can’t believe what he’s hearing.
ELLIOT
What’s
this? When did this happen?
RILEY
Just
a few minutes ago. It’s going down
inside
the
house as we speak. Some big
payoff. Those
fancy
cars outside belong to members of the Zam-
bonies.
ELLIOT
You
girls had better start dishing out the goods,
or
we’re leaving for good. You can start
look-
ing
for a couple more losers to yank around on
your
chain of lies.
EXT:
COURTYARD. NIGHT
ELLIOT,
RILEY, CLEO, and MERCEDES hide behind a cluster of trash cans beside the
garage. RILEY and ELLIOT take turns
spying on SIMMS’ party inside the house with the pair of binoculars. Things inside are pretty quiet for the time
being, so the guys and girls spend their time talking quietly.
ELLIOT
(to Mercedes)
So,
what’s the story behind Jugdish’s pink fet-
ish?
How far back does his fetish go?
MERCEDES
Jugdish
has been like this ever since he was
born. His parents had wanted a girl, but in-
stead
they were granted a freak of nature.
Jugdish
was born with a rare defect known as
cloacal
exstrophy - he was born a male with
normal
testicles, male genes, and hormones,
but
he was born without a penis.
RILEY
That’s
what I’d definitely consider a freak
of
nature, all right.
MERCEDES
Although
a male, Jug was sexually reassigned.
He
was castrated at birth, and his parents
raised
him as a girl. However, he continued
to
display normal masculine behavior.
ELLIOT
What
about his obsession for the color pink?
MERCEDES
His
parents raised him as a girl. He was
treat-
ed
like one. His bedroom was painted
pink. A
boy’s
room would normally be painted blue, but
his
was pink. Aside from his masculine
behav-
ior,
his parents considered him a girl. They
flowered
him his whole life with girly things.
Every
year on his birthday, his bedroom was
filled
with pink ping-pong balls. He was al-
ways
dressed in pink dresses and was made to
wear
pink bunny slippers. And, something you
probably
don’t know - his real name is Bunny.
Jugdish
is 35, and his parents still call him
Bunny,
the name he was given at birth. And,
now,
whenever he sees something pink, he has
to
have it. And normally, he has to steal
things.
His
father won’t buy him a damn thing. If
he
wasn’t
working as his father’s gopher, Jugdish
would
be living on the street.
ELLIOT
I
just don’t buy it. He looks like a fag
to me.
CLEO
It
could be worse. He could have been born
with
a
forked penis.
RILEY
takes a look through the binoculars at the house.
ELLIOT
Anything
going on inside?
RILEY
Negative.
(beat)
No...wait! They’re coming out.
ELLIOT
Duck
down!
The
front door to SIMMS’ house opens, and four Zambonies’ players file out in
single file. SIMMS bids them farewell
and ducks back inside the house.
JUGDISH and PARROT step outside and light up a couple cigarettes. They watch as the Zambonies’ players drive
off in their fancy cars. JUGDISH and
PARROT are oblivious to the presence of the foursome hiding behind the garbage
cans beside the garage. The Sex Machine
has also been carefully hid-den behind the garage.
The
guys whisper quietly so as not to alert the unwanted attention of JUGDISH or
PARROT.
RILEY
(to Cleo and Mercedes)
Just
what exactly is Archie’s plan? What’s with
the
payoff?
CLEO
We
know about some sort of payoff, but we’re
not
sure of the statistics. Archie conducts
most
of his business behind closed doors.
Why
is
this so important to you?
ELLIOT
We’re
people who know people in the Zambonies’ organization. If Archie’s paying off the play-
ers,
it’s something we should know about. We
won’t
stand for no funny business.
MERCEDES
We
might work for him, but we’re not privy to
his
business affairs. Everything’s hush
hush.
RILEY
We
gotta find out what Archie’s up to.
What
are
Jugdish’s plans for tonight?
CLEO
I
have no idea.
ELLIOT
I
think it’s time we make our presence known.
Into
the dragon’s lair we must go. Shoot the
shit
with Jug and Parrot for a while and see
where
they’re going. We’ll trail them in the
Sex
Machine.
RILEY
That’s
a great idea. But, if they decide to
check
out the Blue Oyster Bar, you can just
fucking
forget it. I’m not going to spend the
night
dancing it up with the fucking Village
People.
ELLIOT
Sure
you will. I just know you wanna put on
some
leather gear and try out some of your Den-
ny
Terrio moves out on the dance floor with some
gay
bikers.
RILEY
Fuck
you.
ELLIOT
Please.
RILEY
angrily clocks ELLIOT on the head. The
guys wait to make their move on the house.
EXT:
FRONT DOOR. NIGHT
ELLIOT,
RILEY, CLEO, and MERCEDES stand outside the front door of SIMMS’ mansion.
ELLIOT
Relax,
people. Let me do all the talking.
RILEY
That’s
what I’m worried about.
ELLIOT
rings the doorbell and pounds on the door.
A moment later, somebody answers the door - PARROT.
ELLIOT
Holy
shit! If it isn’t Lurch the butler. Is
Wednesday
or Pugsley free to come out and play?
PARROT
sees CLEO and MERCEDES and lets the foursome enter into the house. ELLIOT pats PARROT on the back as he enters.
ELLIOT
You’re
a man of few words, bird man.
As
PARROT closes the door, he witnesses the mess outside in front of the garage.
INT:
SIMMS’ MANSION. NIGHT
PARROT
walks past the group and joins JUGDISH at the pool table, where they resume
playing a game. ELLIOT admires the
decor of the room.
ELLIOT
(to Jugdish and Parrot)
Nice
place. Doesn’t look like the Addams
Family
lives
here. You sure we got the right place?
(beat)
Mind
if I smoke a jay?
ELLIOT
pulls out a joint and lights up. Before
he can exhale, ARCHIE SIMMS enters the room.
ELLIOT coughs on a lungful of smoke.
SIMMS
(to Elliot)
Pardon
me, my young friend, but there is to be
no
smoking in this house. It is a
smoke-free
environment. Please, go outside if you wish
to
smoke.
ELLIOT
Oh,
hey. Sorry. My mistake.
ELLIOT
exhales a cloud of pot smoke into SIMMS’ face, drops his joint onto the
hardwood floor, and extinguishes it with his foot. He grinds it into the floor.
SIMMS is not too pleased.
SIMMS
My
young friend, nor is this house an ashtray.
I’m
going to have to ask you to vacate the pre-
mises. If you would kindly let yourself out
the
way you came.
ELLIOT
Sorry,
Mr. Simms, your highness, sir. My cous-
in
Riley and I - we were just dropping off these
two
lovely girls here, who so gladly agreed to
serve
as our paramours for this evening’s festiv-
ities.
SIMMS
(to Cleo and Mercedes)
Speaking
of whom, where exactly did you two go
this
evening, and the last two days for that
matter?
You haven’t been around since the party
the
other night. You missed tonight’s
hockey
game.
(beat)
Now,
if you wouldn’t mind, I have some business
to
attend to. Try not to get into any
trouble,
or
I’ll have my security personnel take care of
all
four of you, permanently.
RILEY
Who’s
that? The Easter Bunny and Marilyn Manson
over
there? You can’t be serious?
SIMMS
ignores RILEY’s remark and walks out of the room.
ELLIOT
Well,
shit! What the hell are we supposed to
do
now?
(to Jugdish)
Hey,
Jug - what plans do you have for tonight?
JUGDISH
snarls an angry scowl towards ELLIOT.
JUGDISH
Not
that it’s any of your damn business, but
we’re
going out to check out the musical equip-
ment
at the music store.
ELLIOT
That’s
right. I forgot you played in a grunge
band
back in Seattle. What’s the name again?
The
Flaming Homos, or something?
PARROT
clenches a fist, ready to knock ELLIOT on his ass.
PARROT
The
band is called The Flamingos, you asshole.
ELLIOT
I
was so close - The Flaming Homos/The Flamingos - what’s the
difference?
PARROT
whips out a switchblade and extends its blade with a flip of his wrist. JUGDISH grabs him by the arm to stop him
from gutting ELLIOT.
JUGDISH
Wait!
You’ll have your turn later.
ELLIOT
(to Jugdish)
I
wouldn’t mind checking out the music store
myself. I’ve always been a huge guitar fan.
Let
me guess, you’re looking for something in
the
shade of pink - am I right? Mind if we tag
along?
JUGDISH
As
long as you stay far behind.
CLEO
notices someone is missing from JUGDISH’S little soiree.
CLEO
(to Jugdish)
What
is Princess Eliza up to, tonight? Her usual
no
good tricks?
JUGDISH
My
fiancée is away on business. She’ll be
back sometime Saturday afternoon.
MERCEDES
One
of the master’s top secret affairs, no doubt.
Who’s she fucking this time - the Governor?
ELLIOT
(to Jugdish)
Our
governor could kick your governor’s ass.
He’s
a former pro wrestler - Jesse “The Mind”
Ventura. He’s Minnesota’s governing “Body”.
RILEY
Well,
time is burning the midnight oil. I
reck-
on
we better get moving. Stores don’t like
to
stay
open too late.
JUGDISH
They
do for us. A little money can change a
lot
of
things.
ELLIOT
Like
one of Archie’s payoffs?
RILEY
socks ELLIOT in the stomach.
INT:
GARAGE. NIGHT
JUGDISH
kicks the front left tire on his Cadillac.
It’s suspic-iously gone flat since last we saw of it. JUGDISH kneels down and pulls out a long
nail.
JUGDISH
God
dammit!
ELLIOT
You
got a spare?
JUGDISH
No
spare.
ELLIOT
Well,
it looks like you’re shit out of luck, dude.
Looks
like you ain’t going nowhere tonight.
JUGDISH
pushes ELLIOT aside and walks over to the motor home.
JUGDISH
No
problem. We’ll go in my new motor
home.
I’ve
been waiting to try it out.
ELLIOT
It
sure is pink. Fits you like one of your
pink leisure suits. We’ll be right behind you.
RILEY,
ELLIOT, CLEO, and MERCEDES file out of the garage in single file. JUGDISH and PARROT climb into the front of
the motor home. JUGDISH starts the
engine. The engine purrs like a pink
pussycat.
EXT:
COURTYARD. NIGHT
The
guys and girls climb into the Sex Machine.
INT:
SEX MACHINE. NIGHT
ELLIOT
sits in the driver’s seat, and RILEY rides shotgun. CLEO and MERCEDES sit in the backseat. They all fasten their seat-belts.
ELLIOT
Please
return all seats and tray tables to a
locked,
upright position. We’re ready for take-
off.
RILEY
What’s
your plan, Hoss?
ELLIOT
That
nail Jugdish pulled from that tire -
(removes a similar nail)
-
it’s all a part of my plan.
RILEY
What
plan?
They
watch out the front window as the motor home drives out of the garage and rolls
down the driveway.
ELLIOT
He’s
on the move. Let’s see where this fairy
is
taking us.
ELLIOT
turns on the ignition and guns the accelerator.
ELLIOT
And,
we’re off.
The
Sex Machine peels rubber down the driveway.
EXT:
GATE ENTRANCE. NIGHT
The
motor home drives out through the open gate and pulls onto the street and
continues on down the road. The Sex
Machine comes whipping through - or, rather, flying over - the gate and burns
rubber down the road. It passes the
slow-moving motor home and pulls in front of it. ELLIOT honks the horn and flips JUGDISH and PARROT the bird.
EXT:
MUSIC STORE. NIGHT
ELLIOT,
RILEY, CLEO, and MERCEDES stand around the Sex Machine parked outside the music
store - the Electric Banana - waiting for JUGDISH and PARROT to arrive. Nearby is a phone booth.
RILEY
So,
what’s the plan, Elliot?
ELLIOT
I’ll
explain later. What I need you guys to
do
is run interference. Don’t let Jugdish
or
Parrot
leave the store. The rest is up to me.
INT:
PHONE BOOTH. NIGHT
ELLIOT
goes to the phone booth and looks through the phone book. He scans the Yellow Pages until he finds the
closest available towing service - Slim Ricky’s Towing. ELLIOT removes his cell phone and starts
dialing.
EXT:
MUSIC STORE. NIGHT
The
gang is still waiting outside the Electric Banana for the motor home to arrive.
RILEY
God,
they drive slow. We’ve been here for
ten
minutes.
A
moment later, the motor home turns the corner and slowly ap-proaches the music
store. The only available parking space
is a no-parking zone. ELLIOT exits the
phone booth and walks over to the Sex Machine.
He jumps on the hood and lounges against the windshield.
ELLIOT
Here
they come, right on schedule.
JUGDISH
naturally parks the motor home in the no-parking zone. He cuts the engine, and he and PARROT climb
out. The freakish twosome approaches
the guys waiting around the Sex Machine.
CLEO
(to Jugdish)
What
took you so long?
MERCEDES
You
drive like a geriatric.
ELLIOT
smiles as he looks at the motor home illegally parked.
ELLIOT
(to Jugdish)
You
can’t park that there.
JUGDISH
ignores ELLIOT. JUGDISH and PARROT
enter the music store. RILEY and the
girls follow directly behind. ELLIOT
gives them a thumbs up and lays down against the windshield. He closes his eyes to take a little nap.
INT:
MUSIC STORE. NIGHT
JUGDISH
and PARROT stand in the back of the music store checking out a rack of
guitars. Nothing appears to be of their
interest. RILEY, CLEO, and MERCEDES
watch them closely. RILEY looks through
a rack of sheet music, while CLEO and MERCEDES play ‘Chopsticks’ on a piano.
EXT:
MUSIC STORE. NIGHT
A
tow truck pulls up behind the motor home.
ELLIOT smiles.
ELLIOT
Right
on schedule.
INT:
MUSIC STORE. NIGHT
JUGDISH
is busy tuning a hot pink Fender guitar, when, all of a sudden, he looks out
the store’s front window to see a tow truck, with its lights flashing, hauling
away the motor home.
JUGDISH
Son
of a bitch!
JUGDISH,
still holding the Fender guitar, runs out of the store, with the others
following close behind.
EXT:
MUSIC STORE. NIGHT
JUGDISH
watches from the sidewalk as the tow truck disappears down the street. JUGDISH is hopping mad.
JUGDISH
Shit!
Shit!
JUGDISH
takes the guitar and smashes it on the ground and against the wall of the music
store.
MERCEDES
Anybody
catch the license plate number on that
truck?
RILEY
Sorry,
it was obscured by somebody’s pink motor
home.
ELLIOT
Don’t
ask me. It’s dark out. I fell asleep on
the
hood of the car. Didn’t even hear the
tow
truck
pull up.
RILEY
The
motor home was illegally parked.
JUGDISH
throws the remains of the guitar into the street.
ELLIOT
Down
boy. Take a friggin’ Valium or something.
(beat)
I
told you so, Juggy. I said you were
parked
in
a no-parking zone, but no, you never listen.
CLEO
(to Jugdish)
Hope
you got enough money on you to pay for that
guitar
you busted up. Daddy isn’t going to pay
it
for you.
JUGDISH
is hopping mad.
JUGDISH
Fuck!
ELLIOT
Like
I said, I told you so. So, try on a
tampon
and
chill out. Fucking baby.
(beat)
Anybody
need a lift home?
INT:
SEX MACHINE. NIGHT
ELLIOT
and RILEY are driving around in the Sex Machine after dropping off JUGDISH,
PARROT, CLEO, and MERCEDES at SIMMS’ mansion.
RILEY
So,
Elliot - how does towing away Eugene’s motor
home
help us find out about Simms’ payoffs?
ELLIOT
It
doesn’t. But, at least we got Eugene’s
mo-
tor
home back. I told Slim Ricky to drop it
off
at the motel. That way, Jugdish will
never
find
it. As for Archie’s payoffs, I have an
idea. We’ll need to call Marley and Lazlo.
We
need to find out where the Zambonies like
to
hang out after a winning game.
INT:
HOOTERS. NIGHT
A
horde of Zambonies’ players celebrate their winning victory at the Hooters’ bar
on the upper level of the Mall of America with round after round of drinks and
a legion of female groupies. Players
sign autographs on anything they can find.
One player signs his John Hancock on a cute girl’s ass, while another
player signs a girl’s breasts. At
another table, three players have a shot-drinking contest with three female
fans.
While
the fun is going on, MARLEY, LAZLO, and the rest of the troops arrive for a
little business and pleasure.
MARLEY
(to Lazlo)
All
right, let’s cause some damage.
MARLEY,
LAZLO, CRICKET, and RILEY walk over and take a seat near the four players from
SIMMS’ payoff.
Meanwhile,
EUGENE, BUDDY, and ELLIOT head for the bar.
ELLIOT has his sites set on the hot female BARTENDER with huge
knockers. They each take a bar stool.
Back
at MARLEY’S table - MARLEY and the gang are treating the Zambonies to a round
of beers. The table is covered with
beer stines. Nobody notices LAZLO slip
a mickey into a pitcher of beer. That
pitcher is reserved for the four players present at SIMMS’ house.
MARLEY
(to the players)
Since
we are such great fans - and also for
tonight’s
winning game - my friends and I
have
bought you all a round of one of Minne-
sota’s
finest brews. Enjoy your glass of
Pig’s
Eye. I hope you all get shitfaced and
pass
out. Cheers.
The
Zambonies all cheer and scream out loud.
They chug their brews down in one swallow.
MARLEY
Anybody
care for sloppy seconds? The brews are
all
on the house, so drink yourselves into ob-
livion. Your boss, Mr. Sniggy Eskew, is paying
for
this little celebration. Let’s honor
the
man. Drink up.
It’s not like you got a game
to
play tomorrow.
A
WAITRESS with huge jugs and a skimpy white Hooters shirt and skimpy orange
shorts walks over and lays down a couple more pitchers of beer. The beer is snatched up in no time flat.
MARLEY
Take
your time. Savor the taste of your
beers.
EXT:
PUTTER’S MANSION. DAY
MARLEY’S
SUV and the Sex Machine are parked outside J.P.’s man-sion. There’s also a white, unmarked van parked in
the driveway.
SUBTITLES
APPEAR AT BOTTOM OF SCREEN:
Friday, June 18th,
1999
11:00 a.m.
INT:
PUTTER’S DEN. DAY
Four
Zambonies’ players (ERIC RAATSI - #07; REID FERRIN - #69; PETE SUCHOSKI - #37;
BERNIE BRASSIER - #00) sit tied and gagged in chairs in J.P. PUTTER’S den. J.P.‘s Doberman, Triple Screws, stands
guard. At present, Triple Screws is
busy licking the sweat off his three balls.
The players are all unconscious.
Drool runs down their faces.
Nearby,
LAZLO whips up one of his special brews in a measuring cup. MARLEY and J.P. stand watching.
J.P.
What’s
this stuff supposed to do?
LAZLO
It’s
my own special recipe - a batch of Dr.
Fish’s
truth serum.
J.P.
You
can’t be serious? Does that stuff really
work?
MARLEY
Lazlo
is always serious about his special brews.
He
has several Dr. Fish potions out on the mar-
ket
- patents pending, of course. This man
is
a
wunderkind. I won’t even mention the
names
of
his black market items. This truth
serum is
one
of them. Highly illegal.
LAZLO
fills up four syringes with truth serum and lays the syrin-ges out on a
table. He takes one and injects 20 cc’s
into REID FERRIN’S neck.
LAZLO
It
takes a little while for the serum to kick
in. We should get the answers we need in about
an
hour. All we can do is wait. In a half hour,
we’ll
wake them up with some smelling salts,
and
then we can begin the interrogation.
J.P.
Any
lasting side effects of your truth serum?
LAZLO
I
don’t know. I never tried this stuff
out be-
fore. Nobody was willing to serve as my guinea
pig. The least is could do is cause their pubic
hair
to fall out or give them one hell of a mi-
graine.
J.P.
It’s
going to work though?
LAZLO
Of
course. I’m Dr. Fish.
EXT:
DECK. DAY
The
entire gang sits lounging around J.P.‘s outside deck overlooking Beaver
Creek. MARLEY and LAZLO tend to a large
barbecue grill full of hot dogs, steaks, and burgers. They reveal to the others what they learned from the
interrogation.
MARLEY
It
was revealed during our interrogation of
the
four Zambonies’ players that Archie Simms
is
paying off the players with open contracts
to
throw the Stanley Cup in exchange for top
positions
on the Seattle Grunge next season.
LAZLO
Also,
with the Zambonies’ loss, Simms plans to
buy
out the Zambonies’ franchise for dirt cheap
and
move the team to a different state.
LAZLO
scoops a burger off the grill and places it in a bun on a plate. He hands it to CRICKET.
CRICKET
First
the North Stars move to Dallas, and now
this.
MARLEY
We’re
sorry. That ain’t going to happen.
J.P.
It’s
been decided that top secret replacements
will
be instituted for the four players on Simms’
payoff
list.
CRICKET
Who
are you going to get to pull that off?
The
‘Mission: Impossible’ theme starts to
play.
MONTAGE
BEGINS
LAZLO
whips up a large batch of plaster and begins to make plaster casts of both the
four Zambonies’ players’ faces and RILEY’S, ELLIOT’S, BUDDY’S, and EUGENE’S
faces.
Positive
molds of the guys’ faces are produced.
Foam
latex is injected into the negative casts of the players’ faces, and the
positive casts of the guys’ faces and the players’ negatives are joined
together to produce prosthetic face mask appliances.
The
molds are thrown into the oven.
Prosthetics
are applied to the guys’ faces, and hair and makeup is added.
The
guys practice playing hockey in full makeup outside on J.P.‘s driveway.
END
MONTAGE
EXT:
TARGET CENTER. EARLY EVENING
The
streets and sidewalks outside the Target Center arena are jammed as fans arrive
for Game Six of the Stanley Cup Finals.
SUBTITLES
APPEAR AT BOTTOM OF SCREEN:
The Stanley Cup Finals
Game Six
The Target Center
Saturday, June 19th,
1999
6:00 p.m.
INT:
TARGET CENTER. LOBBY. EARLY EVENING
Fans
are lined up inside the Target Center lobby, waiting to enter into the
arena. They quickly pass through the
entrance to the arena complex. Security
personnel check people for cameras or recording devices.
INT:
ARENA. EARLY EVENING
Inside
the arena, a zambonie glazes the ice.
Game officials are preparing in the press box. Camera crews are setting up.
News crews interview players and the coaches of the two opposing
teams.
INT:
GRUNGE’S LOCKER ROOM. EARLY EVENING
A
female REPORTER interviews a naked player (SCOTTY WATERS - #02) in the Seattle
Grunge’s locker room. Nearby, more
naked players enter or exit the shower.
The REPORTER’s eyes scope out the players’ well-hung equipment.
INT:
VIP PARKING GARAGE. EARLY EVENING
A
large brown steel garage door opens, and a white van, with BUD-DY and EUGENE
aboard, pulls into the Target Center’s VIP parking garage, followed by ELLIOT, RILEY, CLEO, and
MERCEDES in the Sex Machine. Numerous fancy
cars are parked around the garage, in-cluding JUGDISH’S pink Cadillac.
From
the back of the white van, BUDDY and EUGENE climb out guised in full Zambonie
makeup. They’re dressed in their street
clothes and carrying gym bags.
MARLEY,
LAZLO, J.P., and CRICKET arrive in MARLEY’S SUV.
ELLIOT
kneels down beside the Caddy and places a small black box inside the rear left
wheel well.
The
‘Mission: Impossible’ theme fades out.
INT:
ARENA. EARLY EVENING
Inside
the arena - JUGDISH, ELIZA, and PARROT are up to no good. They’re hanging out in the rafters with lots
of nylon ropes. JUGDISH looks through a
pair of binoculars and scans the arena.
At the opposite end, the Stanley Cup sits on a table in a small
room. It is surrounded by a table full
of medals. Game officials enter and
exit through the open door of the room.
ELIZA checks the contents of a black gym bag.
INT:
VIP PARKING GARAGE. EARLY EVENING
MARLEY
stands at the back of his SUV. He’s
dressed in tan khakis and a brown leather jacket. He carries a leather hip pouch strapped over his shoulder. He reaches into the back end of his SUV and
pulls out a coiled leather bullwhip and straps it onto his belt. MARLEY’S wife CRICKET walks over and plants
a brown fedora on MARLEY’S head.
CRICKET
Don’t
forget your hat, Dr. Jones.
MARLEY
scoops his wife up in his arms and kisses her on the lips.
MARLEY
Thanks,
baby.
CRICKET
You
gonna join us in Jack’s private VIP box
to
watch the game?
MARLEY
Not
just yet. Lazlo and I are gonna do some
scoping
around first.
CRICKET
All
right. Catch you later, handsome.
MARLEY
closes the back hatch of the SUV, and he and CRICKET part ways. CRICKET joins CLEO, and MERCEDES, and the
three of them head for the elevators to go into the arena. MARLEY saunters over to the white van where
RILEY, EUGENE, and BUDDY are gathered.
Inside
the back of the van, LAZLO applies the finishing touches to ELLIOT’S prosthetic
face mask. Behind them, the four real
Zambonies’ players are tied up and gagged.
They’re still uncon-scious.
LAZLO
(to Elliot)
Your
face is hidden by a hockey mask, so it
really
won’t matter if your makeup looks bad.
The
trick is to fool somebody when your hoc-
key
mask is off. So, try not take your
helm-
et
off, and don’t sweat too much. Your
pros-
thetics
will start to peel off, and you don’t
want
that.
MARLEY
approaches the guys at the van.
MARLEY
Come
on, guys. Time’s a wasting. Better get
down
to the locker room and gear up. The
puck
drops
at seven o’clock.
ELLIOT
and LAZLO climb out of the van. ELLIOT
follows the other three would-be hockey players to the players’ entrance.
ELLIOT
(to Marley and Lazlo)
Catch
you guys later.
MARLEY
Have
a good game. Don’t get slaughtered out
there.
MARLEY
turns to LAZLO. He realizes J.P. is
missing.
MARLEY
Where
did Jack run off to.
LAZLO
He
went up to Sniggy Eskew’s office to fill
him
in on Archie’s plans. Sniggy is going
to
shit
kittens. The swear words will be
flying.
MARLEY
I
love that dude. Sniggy’s the man.
(beat)
Let’s
go grab a couple beers and a turbo dog
before
the game starts. We still got a good
half
hour to burn.
LAZLO
closes the back doors of the van, and he and MARLEY head for the elevator.
INT:
VIP BOX. EARLY EVENING
CRICKET
takes a seat next to CLEO and MERCEDES in J.P.‘s private VIP box high above the
ice rink. The VIP box features a
fully-stocked bar, a buffet table, large comfy padded seats, and a television
for viewing the game. CRICKET hands
CLEO and MERCEDES each a large pretzel wrapped in napkins.
CLEO
Well,
here we are - Game Six of the Stanley
Cup
Finals. How exciting. I wish it was over
already.
CRICKET
I
can’t wait to see our guys fall on their
asses. There’s no way this plan is going to
work.
CLEO
How
many times do Marley’s plans ever fail?
CRICKET
I’d
have to say the odds are pretty fair.
INT:
SNIGGY’S OFFICE. EARLY EVENING
A
contract rests on SNIGGY ESKEW’S desk.
SNIGGY signs his sign-ature as ARCHIE SIMMS stands idly by. Just as SNIGGY finishes signing the multiple
pages, SIMMS snatches up the contract and stuffs it inside his briefcase. SIMMS snaps his briefcase shut and locks
it. The case is handcuffed to his
wrist.
SIMMS
Thank
you very much, Mr. Eskew. Nice doing
business
with you. I’ll be back right after
your
team loses the game. Rest assured, they
will
fail miserably. Have a nice day.
SIMMS
turns and walks out of the office. Two
of his SECURITY GUARDS follow behind.
As they leave, J.P. PUTTER enters into the office. He watches SIMMS walk down the hall.
J.P.
(to Simms)
Nice
suit. It’s the color of my dog’s cleft
asshole.
J.P.
enters the office and takes a seat in front of SNIGGY’S desk.
J.P.
(to Sniggy)
What
did that queen want?
SNIGGY
mutters under his breath.
SNIGGY
Why
that slimy, no good, motherfucking swindler.
J.P.
All
right, Sniggy - what did you do?
SNIGGY
throws his pen across the room.
J.P.
Holy
shit! Tell me you didn’t do what I think
you
just did? Tell me you didn’t just sign the
contract?
SNIGGY
I
signed the fucking contract! Okay!
J.P.
Tell
me you didn’t just sign away the hockey
team?
SNIGGY
I
signed away the fucking hockey team! Okay!
J.P.
I
can’t believe what I’m hearing. We are
so
screwed.
SNIGGY
What
do you mean?
J.P.
Well,
it seems our friend Archie paid four of
our
team’s top players to throw the Finals.
If
we lose, he gets the Zambonies. And
that
means
early retirement for both of us.
SNIGGY
So,
we’re fucked - is that what you’re saying?
J.P.
Don’t
get your wife’s G-string into a bind.
We’re
not completely up shit creek yet. We
learned
about Archie’s plan early, so, my
friends
and I took some precautionary measures.
SNIGGY
Why
that no good, motherfucking, fucked-up
fucking
fucker’s fucker. I’m gonna kill him!
Nobody
pulls one over on Sniggy Eskew! Fuck!
Fuck!
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
J.P.
Sheesh!
You talk to your mother with that potty
mouth?
SNIGGY
Fuck!
J.P.
walks around to the back of SNIGGY’S desk and pulls open one of the drawers and
removes a roll of duct tape. He
proceeds to tape SNIGGY’S mouth shut.
J.P. returns to his seat. SNIGGY
continues to mumble a slew of profanities through his taped mouth.
J.P.
Now
that your little swearing problem is taken
care
of, I can explain a few things of utmost
importance. So, sit back, and shut up. Your
swearing
is giving me a headache.
INT:
ZAMBONIES’ LOCKER ROOM. EARLY EVENING
Inside
the Zambonies’ locker room, RILEY, ELLIOT, BUDDY, and EUG-ENE are gearing up
for the hockey game. They try to stay
away from the real players as much as possible, so as not to blow their
cover. EUGENE is having a hell of a
time putting on his gear.
EUGENE
You
guys, how the hell do you put this crap on?
ELLIOT,
as usual, is flirting with a female REPORTER, who ends up slugging him. The locker room quickly empties out of the
real players. Our guys are still
struggling with their gear. The real
players either stand out in the hall outside the locker room, or head to their
seats on the sidelines in the arena.
The
guys put on their hockey jerseys over their padded body armor - RILEY (ERIC
RAATSI #07); ELLIOT (REID FERRIN #69); BUDDY (PETE SUCHOSKI #13); and EUGENE (BERNIE
BRASSIER #00).
INT:
SNIGGY’S OFFICE. EARLY EVENING
SNIGGY
and J.P. look up from their heated conversation and focus their eyes on a GAME
OFFICIAL entering into the office.
GAME OFFICIAL
Mr.
Eskew; Mr. Putter - Governor Ventura is
here
to see you.
J.P.
“The
Mind” is here? What are we, royalty? I
thought
we just owned a professional hockey
team?
Send him in, your eminence.
A
BODYGUARD in black enters the office. A
moment later, Minnesota Governor JESSE VENTURA arrives. J.P. gets down on his hands and knees.
J.P.
We’re
not worthy! We’re not worthy!
VENTURA
You’re
worthy! You’re worthy!
J.P.
stands up and shakes VENTURA’S hand.
VENTURA
How’s
it going, Jack?
J.P.
I’ve
seen better days. Please, take a
seat.
This
is my associate, Joe Eskew. Everybody
calls
him Sniggy. He’s a retired mobster,
so
don’t shake his hand too hard. Sign him
an
autograph. It’ll make him feel
important.
He
certainly could use a little cheering up.
J.P.
takes a seat beside SNIGGY. VENTURA
takes a seat in front of the desk. His
BODYGUARD stands guard at the door.
INT:
ARENA. EARLY EVENING
The
stands are filled to capacity. It’s
fifteen minutes to game time. The
lights dim, and a laser light show begins.
INT:
ZAMBONIES’ LOCKER ROOM. EARLY EVENING
The
guys are in the locker room putting on their skates and trying out their hockey
sticks. All of a sudden, Zambonies’
coach MICKEY COEN peaks his head in the locker room.
COACH COEN
Would
you dunderheads quit jerking off in here
and
haul your butts into the arena. The
rest
of
the players are all waiting on the bench.
Practice
is about to begin. It’s twelve minutes
to
showtime. Hurry up.
INT:
VIP BOX. EARLY EVENING
MARLEY
enters J.P.‘s private VIP box carrying a tray of hot dogs and beers for
everybody. He takes his seat next to
his wife CRICKET, CLEO, and MERCEDES.
CRICKET
Where’s
Lazlo?
MARLEY
Taking
a piss. The Fish has a bladder like
an
infant.
CRICKET
What
about Jack and Sniggy?
MARLEY
They’re
in a meeting with the Governor. They’ll
join
us later.
INT:
TUNNEL. EARLY EVENING
RILEY,
ELLIOT, BUDDY, and EUGENE head through a dark tunnel lead-ing into the hockey
arena. One of the real Zambonies (SKY
DAVEY #30) rushes up to them.
DAVEY
Hurry
up! Practice is on.
DAVEY
rushes back down the tunnel to the arena.
The guys follow as fast as they can.
RILEY
All
right, guys. You know the plan. Take out
their
best players, and don’t let them score.
The
rules have been thrown out the window.
Use
extreme
prejudice.
INT:
ARENA. EARLY EVENING
The
arena is filled to capacity. Down on
the ice, the zambonie finishes glazing the ice. The LINESMAN walks onto the ice and starts sweeping up excess
water from the rink left behind by the zambonie. As he finishes up, players from both teams skate out onto the ice
from the sidelines and begin practicing.
INT:
VIP BOX. EARLY EVENING
On
the television in the VIP box, the game announcers (CHARLES GORMAN/AL JARVINEN)
usher in the beginning of Game Six.
CHARLES GORMAN
Ladies
and gentlemen. This is Charles
Gorman.
Welcome
to Game Six of the 1999 Stanley Cup
Finals
coming to you live from the Target Cent-
er
arena in downtown St. Paul, Minnesota, where
the
Minnesota Zambonies will try to take the
Cup
from its rival, the Seattle Grunge. The
Zambonies
are coming into Game Six with a 3-2
lead
against Seattle. Hopefully, Zambonies’
owners
Sniggy Eskew, J.P. Putter, and Coach
Mickey
Coen have some top secret strategies up
their
sleeves. The Zambonies are up against
some
tough competition. Can they pull off
to-
night’s
win?
AL JARVINEN
This
is Al Jarvinen. The fans consider the
Se-
attle
Grunge the meanest and baddest team in
the
NHL. Tonight, we will see if they live
up
to
their reputation, or will that reputation
be
transferred over to the Zambonies.
We’ll
have
to wait and see.
INT:
ARENA. EARLY EVENING
The
laser light show comes to an end, and the lights come up. The players exit the ice, and final
preparations are made to the ice. The
scoreboard high above the arena locks to 20:00 - Period 1. The two teams’ goalies (NATE DYBVIG/SKY
DAVEY) skate to their positions. The
two REFS take to the ice and skate around.
Five players from each team take to the ice. RILEY, ELLIOT, and BUDDY are among the five. They climb over the wall onto the ice. EUG-ENE takes a seat on the Zambonies’ bench
on the sideline.
RILEY
(to Elliot and Buddy)
All
right, guys. Keep your eyes open. Let’s
kick
some ass.
The
players take formation. ELLIOT is at
center stage against Grunger SCOTTY WATERS for control of the puck. A horn sounds, and the REF drops the
puck. The scoreboard starts clicking
down the time.
ELLIOT
trips WATERS onto his ass and assumes control of the puck. ELLIOT knocks the Grungers on their asses
and nears the goal zone. He prepares to
fire the puck but is slammed from behind and is pinned against the wall. Grunge goalie NATE DYBVIG chases the puck
and throws it back into play. The
Grunge take possess-ion.
It’s
a complete grudge match. Players from
each side are kicking each other’s asses and slamming each other into the
walls, or each other. This goes on and
on.
The
Grunge try for a shot, but the puck goes wide and is inter-cepted by
BUDDY. BUDDY takes the puck and
charges. He’s bowled over, and players pile on top of him.
BUDDY
(struggling to free himself)
I
swear! Hockey is the gayest sport ever!
(to some player)
Get
your fucking hands out of my ass! You
faggot!
BUDDY
manages to get up and is immediately pushed into the wall. He gets pissed and slams his stick into the
PLAYER’s chest. The PLAYER goes down
with a broken rib. Crunch! The REF
calls a penalty, and BUDDY goes to the penalty box for high-sticking.
BUDDY
(to ref)
He
started it! He tries that shit again, I’ll
cram
my stick up his turd cutter and yank it
back
out his fucking throat!
RILEY
skates over and warns him.
RILEY
(to Buddy)
What,
are you deliberately trying to get kicked
out
of the game before it even begins?
BUDDY
I’m
just trying to break a few ribs is all.
RILEY
Cool
it. Wait until second period.
BUDDY
What
happens then, Riley?
RILEY
We’re
going to let them score. Let Simms
think
his
plan is working. After they score one
or
two
points, let them have it.
(beat)
Remember,
this game isn’t just about winning
or
losing. We’re playing for Bible
Bob. His
dying
wish was to have his ashes placed inside
the
Stanley Cup if the Zambonies won. We’re
here
to make sure that his wish is fulfilled.
BUDDY
Yeah,
well, I’m gonna rip somebody a new ass-
hole
before the night is over.
RILEY
skates away as BUDDY enters the penalty box.
ELLIOT
has control of the puck. He tries to
score a goal, but his shot is deflected by Seattle goalie DYBVIG. ELLIOT fumes. He chases after the puck, gets it back, and purposely smacks
DYBVIG in the nuts with it. DYBVIG
howls in pain and does the splits.
ELLIOT
Now,
that’s what I call “slipped it between
the
pads”.
INT:
VIP BOX. EARLY EVENING
LAZLO
joins MARLEY and the three girls in the VIP box. MARLEY hands him a hot dog and a beer.
MARLEY
pulls out a napkin and shows it to LAZLO.
MARLEY
Check
this out. I got Jesse’s signature,
man.
That
is so cool. Jack got it for me.
LAZLO
How’s
the game going?
MARLEY
Still
0-0, and our guys are already starting
to
wear out. Buddy and Elliot each already
have
a penalty.
LAZLO
Give
it some time. Things are just warming
up.
INT:
ARENA. EARLY EVENING
At
that, a Grunger smacks the puck and slips it under Zambonies’ goalie SKY
DAVEY’s stick. The Grunge score the
first point of the game - 1-0.
ARCHIE
SIMMS, JUGDISH, PARROT, and ELIZA sit one row behind the Grunge’s players’
bench. SIMMS smiles gleefully at his
team’s scoring goal. JUGDISH thinks
nothing of it. He has a backup plan if
the Grunge start losing.
The
two teams take formation at center rink.
The puck is drop-ped. ELLIOT
intercepts the puck from a Grunger.
ELLIOT has the puck, but after a moment, he’s tackled, but he still
manages to pass the puck to EUGENE.
EUGENE just stands like a deer frozen in a car’s headlights. He stares in fear as Grungers skate toward
him. EUGENE lands hard against the
sideline wall and is knocked over the wall into the Grunge players’ box. The benched Grungers toss EUGENE’S feeble
ass back onto the ice and throw his stick across the rink.
GRUNGER
Go
fetch, you little faggot.
EUGENE
turns away and stares after his stick.
It’s hopeless. Suddenly, he sees
the ghost of BIBLE BOB standing on the opposite sideline.
BIBLE BOB
Remember,
Eugene - in seeking your destiny,
patience
is your ally.
The
ghost of BIBLE BOB disappears into the crowd of fans. Rejuv-enated, EUGENE chases after his stick.
RILEY
has the puck and tries to make a goal at the buzzer. The Grunge’s goalie catches it.
RILEY
Shit!
The
buzzer sounds. The players head to the
sidelines for first intermission.
EUGENE
is taken out. RILEY goes in for
him. RILEY, BUDDY, and ELLIOT, plus two
other Zambonies’ dweebs are now in the lineup.
At present, the real Zambonies’ players are playing like they don’t give
a shit about winning. They have no
enthusiasm, except for our guys.
The
zambonie glazes the ice.
INT:
ZAMBONIES’ LOCKER ROOM. EARLY EVENING
RILEY
and ELLIOT are in the locker room.
RILEY is fixing a piece of his makeup.
INT:
ARENA. EARLY EVENING
SIMMS
still sits one row up from the Grunge’s players’ box. He whispers something into JUGDISH’S ear.
SIMMS
Is
everything ready?
JUGDISH
Everything’s
set. I don’t think we’re gonna
need
to use the backup plan anyway.
SIMMS
We
may be winning now, but something can always
go
wrong. Be ready.
SIMMS
questions ELIZA about the absence of CLEO and MERCEDES.
SIMMS
Where’s
those other two friends of yours -
what’re
their names?
ELIZA
Cleo
and Mercedes are hanging out in the Zam-
bonies’
private box with their boyfriends,
Riley
Wells and Elliot Goldenthal.
SIMMS
Boyfriends,
heh? Is that what they’re called?
Those
two girls aren’t supposed to have boy-
friends. They work for me.
SIMMS
nods to PARROT.
SIMMS
Take
care of them. They’re getting to become
a
nuisance. Do whatever’s necessary.
PARROT
Yes,
master.
PARROT
stands and walks away.
INT:
VIP BOX. EARLY EVENING
CRICKET,
CLEO, and MERCEDES watch the game from the Zambonies’ private box. They’re talking about the guys not playing
so hot.
CRICKET
Our
guys aren’t looking too hot out there.
MERCEDES
They’ll
be lucky if they don’t all get kicked
out
of the game before first intermission is
over.
CRICKET
is missing her man.
CRICKET
Where
did Marley run off to?
CLEO
He
and Lazlo are running surveillance out in
the
halls.
CRICKET
Excuse
me for a few minutes. I got to have a
few
words with my man.
CRICKET
gets up and leaves.
INT:
HALLWAY. EARLY EVENING
MARLEY
walks down a hallway outside the arena, looking for any sign of SIMMS or any of
his goonish entourage.
EXT:
CONCESSION STAND. EARLY EVENING
CRICKET
runs up to LAZLO waiting in line at the concession stand to buy another beer.
LAZLO
(to Cricket)
How
we doing?
CRICKET
Same
as always.
(beat)
Listen. Can you do me a big favor and help
me
out?
LAZLO
Sure. Whatever you need.
INT:
ARENA. EARLY EVENING
Period
Two is about to start. The players
return to the rink.
INT:
ZAMBONIES’ LOCKER ROOM. EARLY EVENING
A
Zambonies’ player (JON GUNDERSON #10) stays behind in the lock-er room to take
a really bad shit. He has a really bad
case of diarrhea. The shit explodes
from his ass and trickles like rain into the toilet bowl.
When
GUNDERSON comes out of his toilet stall, he sees a naked woman stands outside
in front of the lockers. It’s CRICKET.
GUNDERSON
I’ve
just died and gone to heaven.
Before
GUNDERSON can speak another word, LAZLO knocks his ass out cold and drags him
back into the toilet stall.
As
LAZLO re-emerges, CRICKET approaches him and starts taking his pants off.
CRICKET
You
did me a favor; now I’m going to do one
for
you.
CRICKET
and LAZLO start kissing passionately and drop to the floor. LAZLO removes a box of ‘Nibble’s Own Generic
Rubbers For Cheap Fuckers’ and pulls out a condom. CRICKET grabs it and throws it away.
CRICKET
I
don’t think we’ll be needing this. I
need
you
to help me get pregnant because Marley’s
no
help at all.
(beat)
Now,
Lazlo, I want you to fuck me like I’ve
never
been fucked before.
INT:
ARENA. EARLY EVENING
The
players are on the ice in the lineup.
RILEY, BUDDY, and ELLIOT, plus two other players make up the Zambonies’
lineup. ELLIOT is once again at center.
INT:
VIP BOX. EARLY EVENING
MARLEY
takes a seat in the VIP box next to SNIGGY ESKEW and J.P. They each have a huge mug of beer in a
special Stanley Cup-shaped beer stine.
MARLEY notices CRICKET is missing from her seat.
MARLEY
Where
did Cricket run off to?
J.P.
(sips his beer)
She’s
a girl. Probably the bathroom.
INT.
ARENA. EARLY EVENING
The
puck is dropped. RILEY pummels Grunger
SCOTTY WATERS to the ice as ELLIOT seizes the puck. RILEY and ELLIOT drag WATERS to the sidelines and dump him over
the wall. The REF calls a penalty. Both RILEY and ELLIOT are thrown in the
penalty box.
SIMMS
is starting to get pissed.
SIMMS
(to Jugdish)
What
the fuck is going on? They’re not supposed
to
do that. They’re working for me. I paid
them
off.
JUGDISH
They
keep that up, and they’ll get tossed out
of
the game. That’s what you want.
SIMMS
This
type of behavior is highly irregular for
them. It’s almost as if somebody else is play-
ing
in their place.
Meanwhile,
down on the ice - without protection from RILEY and ELLIOT, BUDDY
flounders. The Grunge score again,
easily - 2-0.
SIMMS
cheers.
SIMMS
Yes!
All too easy. The money’s in the bag.
EUGENE
gets called in. BUDDY skates up to him.
BUDDY
All
right, Eugene, this is it. We gave them
their
two-point lead. Archie thinks they’ve
got
this game in the bag. Now it’s time for
battle. Take no prisoners. Rip their fucking
heads
off.
The
two teams take formation. The puck is
dropped. Some normal hockey play for a
while, with good defense on both sides.
Howev-er, nobody scores.
INT:
JANITOR’S CLOSET. EARLY EVENING
In
a small janitor’s closet somewhere down in the basement cata-combs, PARROT
applies some sinister makeup to his face.
His head is shaved bald, except for two long purple ponytails. He trans-forms into the Ghost of Lord
Stanley. He wears two different colored
feline contact lenses; orange, red, brown, black, and white cat makeup; and a
pair of vampire dentures. He wears a
black vinyl body suit, black gloves, boots, and a dark, hooded cloak to hide
his ghoulish face.
INT:
ARENA. EARLY EVENING
RILEY
and ELLIOT get called back in. They use
this opportunity to inflict a little injury upon the Grunge. They trip some players and smack some in the
legs or head, and they knock down the Seattle REF. The REF tosses them out of the game.
REF
You’re
outta here. Get the fuck off the ice
and
out of my sight.
RILEY
You
call that a penalty?
ELLIOT
We’ll
show you a fucking penalty!
RILEY
and ELLIOT grab SCOTTY WATERS and drag him across the ice and throw him through
the glass. SECURITY GUARDS rush the ice
and haul RILEY and ELLIOT off the ice.
They’re thrown out of the game, permanently.
INT:
ANNOUNCERS’ BOX. EARLY EVENING
CHARLES GORMAN
That
last penalty is going to cost Zambonies’
players
Eric Raatsi and Reid Ferrin a hefty
fine. What were they thinking?
AL JARVINEN
(laughs)
I
don’t think hockey players are paid to
think,
Chuck.
CHARLES GORMAN
They’re
lucky the whole team didn’t get kicked
out
of the game for that little stunt.
AL JARVINEN
I
wonder if Seattle’s Scotty Waters is going
to
be able to play the rest of the game?
CHARLES GORMAN
I
highly doubt it, Al. He took one hell
of a
beating. Being thrown through the glass probably
just
cost him the rest of his career.
INT:
ARENA. EARLY EVENING
Two
players go in for RILEY and ELLIOT.
Meanwhile,
Zambonies’ coach MICKEY COEN wonders where a certain player is.
COACH COEN
(to players)
Has
anybody seen Gunderson? I haven’t seen him
here
all night.
PLAYER
Gundy’s
got a bad case of diarrhea. Somebody
slipped
him a laxative at Thursday night’s post-
game
party. I think he’ll be sitting the
rest
of
this game out.
COACH COEN
Shit.
PLAYER
That’s
what Gundy’s doing, coach. Taking a
shit.
COACH
COEN crumples his play book.
INT:
ZAMBONIES’ LOCKER ROOM. EARLY EVENING
Meanwhile,
in the Zambonies’ locker room, LAZLO applies a pros-thetic GUNDERSON mask to
CRICKET’S face. She wraps a cloth wrap
around her chest to tie down her large breasts. Her GUNDERSON #10 jersey lies on the bench beside her.
CRICKET
Don’t
tell anybody about this, Lazlo. Our
guys
are
floundering badly out there. The only
hoc- key our guys know how to play is the Sega
kind.
They
need a little help from somebody who knows
how
to play hockey.
INT:
CRICKET’S UTERUS. EARLY EVENING
A
lone sperm swims along and penetrates a free-floating egg cell. Fertilization has begun.
INT:
ARENA. EARLY EVENING
The
puck is dropped. BUDDY snatches it away
from the Grunge. EUGENE runs
interference. BUDDY is crowded. He passes the puck off to EUGENE. EUGENE trips a player, and BUDDY plows over
another. EUGENE and BUDDY pass the puck
back and forth between them. BUDDY
hurls the puck toward EUGENE, who swings his stick, intercepts the puck in mid
air, and grounds the puck past the DYBVIG’s head. He scores the Zambonies’ first point of the game - 1-2. The crowd cheers loudly.
SIMMS
is so angry about the Zambonies scoring that he crumples his program.
SIMMS
What
the hell’s going on here? They’re not sup-
posed
to score.
Meanwhile,
out on the ice - the Grunge have control of the puck.
On
one of the sidelines, injured Grunger SCOTTY WATERS is hauled off on a
stretcher. He wears a neck brace, and
his leg is wrap-ped.
The
Grunge plow a path down the ice. EUGENE
and BUDDY are fight-ing with two other players. BUDDY is struck by a stick and is flipped over onto his back. He lands hard against the ice. His right skate blade lands squarely on the
puck and cuts it partially in half.
EUGENE
steals the puck from the Grunge and races down the rink. He passes it to BUDDY.
BUDDY
(to Eugene)
No!
You take it!
BUDDY
hurls the puck back to EUGENE, who, in turn, nervously passes it back to
BUDDY.
BUDDY
I
don’t want it.
BUDDY
looks at EUGENE angrily.
BUDDY
Eugene!
Take the fucking shot!
All
this banter confuses the Grunge’s goalie.
BUDDY sneaks up behind the net.
BUDDY passes the puck to EUGENE.
As EUGENE re-ceives the puck, BUDDY scares the shit out of the
goalie. EU-GENE smashes the puck with
his stick. The puck breaks in two and
sails past goalie DYBVIG’s stick, scoring a point at the buzzer.
The
crowd is on its feet, cheering for BERNIE BRASSIER.
The
ghost of BIBLE BOB reappears on the sidelines.
He gives EUGENE a thumbs-up.
BIBLE BOB
See?
You can do it.
EUGENE
gives a thumbs-up back to BIBLE BOB.
BIBLE BOB smiles and once again disappears into thin air.
SIMMS
is hopping mad. He grabs JUGDISH by the
throat and snarls at him.
SIMMS
Something
is going wrong. The Zambonies are
scoring. My plan is backfiring. Now it’s
your
turn to fix it. Prove to me that my
only
son
isn’t a little fairy. Make your old man
proud.
JUGDISH
That’s
the first time you ever called me son.
SIMMS
And
it’ll probably be the last. Now get
going!
JUGDISH
and ELIZA get to their feet and disappear down the tunnel to the Grunge’s
locker room. JUGDISH talks into his
walkie-talkie.
INT:
BASEMENT CORRIDOR. EARLY EVENING
A
cloaked PARROT is on the other end of the walkie-talkie. His face is hidden by a black hood.
JUGDISH (VO)
Take
out the lights on my command.
PARROT
Yes,
my master.
INT:
ARENA. EARLY EVENING
MARLEY
stands in the rows of fans behind Seattle’s players’ bench. He has been spying on SIMMS and JUGDISH for
a while. MARLEY decides to check out
what’s going on. He radios LAZLO.
MARLEY
(into cell phone)
Hey,
shithead! Where are you?
INT:
ZAMBONIES’ LOCKER ROOM. EARLY EVENING
LAZLO
is busy saying his prayers at the alter of the porcelain God (aka - he’s on the
shitter).
LAZLO
(into cell phone)
I’m
in the locker room bathroom. What’s up?
INT:
ARENA. EARLY EVENING
MARLEY
(into cell phone)
The
pink drag queen is on the move. Let’s
fol-
low
him.
INT:
ZAMBONIES’ LOCKER ROOM. EARLY EVENING
LAZLO
(into cell phone)
Ah,
man, you caught me at a bad time. I’m a
little
busy here. You caught me in mid-loaf.
Give
me a few minutes.
INT:
ARENA. EARLY EVENING
MARLEY
(into cell phone)
Whatever. Meet me at the hot dog stand in ten
minutes.
LAZLO (VO)
That’s
a big 10-4, good buddy. Over and out.
INT:
ZAMBONIES’ LOCKER ROOM. EARLY EVENING
CRICKET
is putting on her uniform. She could
easily pass for a guy.
CRICKET
Wish
me luck, Lazlo.
CRICKET
grabs her stick and exits the locker room.
LAZLO exits the shitter and pulls up his pants. He exits the locker room and takes the
opposite direction from CRICKET.
LAZLO
(after Cricket)
Good
luck, and thanks for the sex. I needed
it.
INT:
ARENA. EARLY EVENING
The
zambonie finishes glazing the ice. The
LINESMAN removes excess water.
INT:
HALLWAY. EARLY EVENING
MARLEY
spots a cloaked figure running down a stairwell. He recognizes the leather pants and boots as PARROT’S. MARLEY follows close behind.
INT:
ARENA. EARLY EVENING
The
Stanley Cup is hauled out on a large platform.
A pile of medals sits on a adjacent table.
Meanwhile,
JUGDISH and ELIZA move silently along a catwalk high above the rink.
INT:
TUNNEL. EARLY EVENING
RILEY
and ELLIOT head for the Zambonies’ locker room to take off their gear and their
prosthetics. They carry their skates
and sticks with them.
INT:
ARENA. EARLY EVENING
The
players take the ice. BUDDY and EUGENE
plus three others make up the Zambonies’ lineup. CRICKET takes a seat on the players’ bench. Everybody thinks she’s JON GUNDERSON
#10. COACH COEN makes a comment.
COACH COEN
(to Cricket)
It’s
about time you showed up, Gunderson. We
need
some fresh blood on the ice. You’re
going
in
next call.
Out
on the ice, the puck is dropped.
On
the catwalk, JUGDISH radios PARROT on his walkie-talkie.
JUGDISH
Parrot,
you ready? On my mark.
INT:
GENERATOR ROOM. EARLY EVENING
PARROT
stands by an electrical box in a generator room somewhere in the basement
catacombs.
INT:
ARENA. EARLY EVENING
BUDDY
is in charge of the puck. He passes it
off to EUGENE and vice versa.
Up
in the rafters, JUGDISH and ELIZA pull on their safety harnes-ses. JUGDISH removes a crossbow. He sets his glow watch to one minute. They’re wearing night vision goggles and
black fatigues.
INT:
GENERATOR ROOM. EARLY EVENING
MARLEY
sneaks up behind PARROT and takes a hiding spot behind a pile of boxes.
INT:
ARENA. EARLY EVENING
Just
as BUDDY is about to shoot a goal, JUGDISH makes the call to PARROT.
JUGDISH
(into walkie-talkie)
Kill
the lights.
INT:
GENERATOR ROOM. EARLY EVENING
PARROT
drops the switch.
INT:
ARENA. EARLY EVENING
The
arena goes pitch black. Fans scream.
JUGDISH
sets off the countdown on his watch and fires the cross-bow. An arrow trailing a nylon cord flies across
the arena and embeds itself into the wall near resting spot of the Stanley
Cup. The seconds tick off on JUGDISH’S
watch. JUGDISH and ELIZA clip on swing
bars to the nylon rope and slide down the rope commando-style. They reach the end and drop to the ground.
INT:
GENERATOR ROOM. EARLY EVENING
MARLEY
runs up behind PARROT and knocks him out.
MARLEY puts on PARROT’S night vision goggles, grabs PARROT’S
walkie-talkie, and runs back out into the hall and down the tunnel.
INT:
ARENA. EARLY EVENING
JUGDISH
and ELIZA pull off the heist of the Stanley Cup and dis-appear down a tunnel
just seconds before the generators kick in and turn on the floodlights.
Everybody
in the audience can now see the nylon cord and is quick to realize the Cup is
missing. SECURITY GUARDS race down the
tunnels and into the hallways.
INT:
TUNNEL. EARLY EVENING
JUGDISH
and ELIZA are racing down a tunnel heading for the VIP parking garage. They decide to split up. ELIZA pushes the Cup on a small covered
cart. They mace anybody who crosses their
paths.
JUGDISH
calls into his walkie-talkie.
JUGDISH
Parrot!
You there? Over.
Somebody
responds, but it isn’t PARROT. It’s
MARLEY.
MARLEY (VO)
Hello,
shithead. Come out, come out, wherever
you
are.
Security
is closing in. JUGDISH cuts down a dark
tunnel leading to the Grunge’s locker room.
As he turns a corner, he runs smack into MARLEY. MARLEY uses his bullwhip and snags JUGDISH
around the neck.
MARLEY
Not
so fast, Juggy, my boy...or should I say,
girl.
MARLEY
yanks the whip, and JUGDISH falls to the floor. JUGDISH acts quickly. He
pulls out a switchblade and cuts the whip loose.
MARLEY
Where
did you hide the Cup, my friend?
JUGDISH
snarls and stabs MARLEY in the hand with the switchblade then makes his
getaway. MARLEY yanks the knife blade
from his hand and wraps the severed whip cord around his hand to slow the blood
supply. MARLEY starts chasing after
JUGDISH but realizes it’s too late.
JUGDISH has gotten too far a head start.
MARLEY
calls LAZLO on his cell phone.
EXT:
MEN’S ROOM. EARLY EVENING
LAZLO
is standing out by the Men‘s Room.
LAZLO’S cell phone starts ringing.
LAZLO
Hello?
INT:
TUNNEL. EARLY EVENING
MARLEY
(into cell phone)
Be
on the lookout for Jugdish or his girlfriend.
They’ve stolen the Stanley Cup.
MARLEY
clicks off his phone and tucks it away.
He resumes chasing after JUGDISH.
INT:
ARENA. EARLY EVENING
MARLEY
makes his way back into the arena. The
game is at a standstill.
INT:
VIP PARKING GARAGE. EARLY EVENING
In
the VIP parking garage, ELIZA places the Stanley Cup in the Cadillac’s trunk
and starts the engine. She sits in the
passenger seat to wait for JUGDISH and PARROT.
INT:
HALLWAY. EARLY EVENING
JUGDISH
is running through the halls to the parking garage. He tries to get PARROT back on the radio. There’s no answer.
INT:
GENERATOR ROOM. EARLY EVENING
PARROT
manages to get to his feet. He checks
his pocket for his walkie-talkie, but it is missing. He grabs a long object wrapped in a black sheath.
EXT:
ZAMBONIES’ LOCKER ROOM. EARLY EVENING
JUGDISH
comes upon the Zambonies’ locker room.
He peers inside and recognizes RILEY and ELLIOT standing inside peeling
off their face masks.
JUGDISH
What
the fuck is going on here?
ELLIOT
I
should say, ‘What the fuck is going on with
you?’
We know all about Archie’s little pay-
off
scheme, and how you bribed the team players
to
forfeit the final game. Well, guess
what,
Juggy?
Archie’s pathetic little plan has back-
fired,
and the Zambonies are going to be taking
home
the Stanley Cup. You and the rest of
the
Grunge
are walking into a trap of our devising.
We’ve
placed an entire legion of our best troops
out
on the ice to replace the ones you paid off
with
hush money. By the end of tonight’s
game,
you,
Archie, and the rest of his goons will all
be
behind bars.
JUGDISH
It’s
a violation of NHL rules to impersonate the players.
RILEY
Not
if the commissioners never find out.
JUGDISH
I’m
going to tell my father, and all of you guys
will
be going down. He will make sure you
and
all
your friends are dead and buried.
RILEY
Jughead
- or whatever your name is - when did
you
become such a little faggot? I mean, what
kind
of guy wears a pink leisure suit and bunny slippers
out in public? In private, that’s fine.
But
in public? Come on. That is so gay.
JUGDISH
I
am invincible!
RILEY
You
couldn’t get laid by a chipmunk.
JUGDISH
I
will tell my father.
JUGDISH
runs out of the room and down the hall.
RILEY and ELLIOT chase after him.
RILEY calls up CLEO and MERCEDES on his cell phone.
RILEY
(into cell phone)
Girls?
This is Riley. I can’t talk long. Meet
us
at the car. I’ll explain later.
INT:
ARENA. EARLY EVENING
JUGDISH
runs into the arena and dodges through the crowd of RE-PORTERS and starts his
way upstairs.
EXT:
CONCESSION STAND. EARLY EVENING
While
waiting in line for a beer, MARLEY and LAZLO see JUGDISH come running out of
the arena and through the crowd outside in the halls. JUGDISH runs back inside the arena through a different
entrance.
MARLEY
(to Lazlo)
You
get the beers. I’ll take care of
Jugdish.
MARLEY
chases after JUGDISH.
INT:
ARENA. EARLY EVENING
MARLEY
runs into the stands. JUGDISH is
running down through the aisles. MARLEY
chases after him. He jumps and climbs
over people along the way. JUGDISH is
making his way to the VIP boxes. MARLEY
chases him as far as he can go. JUGDISH
disappears back out into the hallway.
INT:
BASEMENT CORRIDOR. EARLY EVENING
PARROT
stumbles upon his walkie-talkie laying on the floor, as he walks through a
basement corridor. He picks it up and
puts it in his pocket.
INT:
HALLWAY. EARLY EVENING
MARLEY
and LAZLO chase JUGDISH down the stairs and all the way to the parking
garage.
INT:
VIP PARKING GARAGE. EARLY EVENING
MARLEY
and LAZLO arrive too late. JUGDISH and
ELIZA peel out of the garage in the Caddy.
The PARKING ATTENDANT lets them escape.
The metal garage door closes behind them.
EXT:
TARGET CENTER. EARLY EVENING
JUGDISH
and ELIZA drive around the block and park outside to wait for PARROT. The engine is still running, in case the
police show up. JUGDISH is
impatient. PARROT is running late.
INT:
HALLWAY. EARLY EVENING
RILEY
and ELLIOT are running down the halls, now wearing their street shoes. They are, however, still in their hockey
jerseys and carrying their hockey sticks.
They arrive in a sparsely populated hallway blocked by a door. The VIP boxes are in the opposite
direction.
RILEY
and ELLIOT run for the door. As they
open it, they are confronted by a menacing PARROT, holding a nasty-looking
double-bladed hockey stick. PARROT
removes his black hood to reveal his ghoulish face.
RILEY
Great!
He thinks he’s Darth Maul!
ELLIOT
He
is Darth Maul!
PARROT
You
got that right, smartass! And now, I’m going
to
whip your little asses!
PARROT
spins the hockey stick around like a baton.
RILEY
Shit!
I wish I paid more attention to ‘Star
Wars,
Episode One‘. But let’s face it, it
sucked.
ELLIOT
‘The
Phantom Menace’ is the greatest ‘Star
Wars’
movie ever made.
RILEY
Elliot,
I don’t got time to argue with you,
right
now. This guy means business.
RILEY
and ELLIOT take position. The hallway
clears out. They engage in battle with
PARROT. PARROT knocks them on their ass
and pins them against the wall. RILEY
spanks PARROT across the ass and trips him onto the floor. ELLIOT’s stick goes flying down the
hall.
PARROT
kicks open the door and races into the hallway leading to the control
room. RILEY and ELLIOT chase after
him. They battle for a brief moment in
perfect sync. PARROT knocks them onto
the floor and kicks open the door to the control room.
INT:
CONTROL ROOM. EARLY EVENING
PARROT
runs inside the control room. RILEY and
ELLIOT follow. Inside PARROT piles
RILEY into the wall and bumps into a hulking figure in a black suit. It’s JESSE VENTURA.
PARROT
Oh,
shit!
VENTURA
grabs hold of PARROT and hurls him through a set of doors leading out to a
series of catwalks leading to the lighting grids. PARROT summons RILEY and ELLIOT to follow him.
INT:
ARENA CATWALKS. EARLY EVENING
PARROT
races up a flight of metal stairs leading to a catwalk. Another catwalk lies directly below. Coils of lighting cables are everywhere
along the catwalk. RILEY, ELLIOT, and
PARROT battle it out in perfect sync for a long moment. ELLIOT’S stick flies out of his hands and
lands in the stands below. ELLIOT is
thrown off the catwalk and lands on the one below. It’s just RILEY and PARROT now.
RILEY
takes his stick and breaks PARROT’S stick in two. The stick is held briefly together by a strip of duct tape. PARROT catches RILEY off guard and whips him
in the stomach with one of the flopping sticks. RILEY loses his stick and falls over the railing. RILEY’S stick falls to the catwalk below. ELLIOT is lying semi-conscious below.
PARROT
tries to knock RILEY off the catwalk.
RILEY grabs hold of a lighting cable dangling from the catwalk. A coil attached to it wraps around PARROT’S
feet. RILEY calls down to ELLIOT.
RILEY
Elliot!
Toss me my stick!
ELLIOT
manages to get to his feet and tosses RILEY his stick. RILEY catches the stick between his
legs. He grabs his stick with a free
hand and tries to push PARROT off the catwalk.
No luck. PARROT rips the stick
from his hands.
RILEY
notices the coil around PARROT’S feet.
RILEY yanks down on the cable hard.
The force of the pull pulls PARROT off the cat-walk, and he dangles
above the stands. RILEY drops down to
the lower catwalk and tries to pull PARROT up by holding on to the hockey
stick. However, one of PARROT’S arms
falls off (it’s a prosthetic arm), and he falls into the stands. Unfortunately, a crowd of people catches
him, and PARROT is off running across the ice and disappears down a
tunnel.
INT:
CONTROL ROOM. EARLY EVENING
RILEY
and ELLIOT return to the control room.
RILEY
Where
does that tunnel lead?
OFFICIAL
To
the parking garages.
RILEY
and ELLIOT race off.
INT:
ARENA. EARLY EVENING
All
of this action catches SIMMS’ attention.
He recognizes RILEY and ELLIOT in their hockey uniforms. He looks at the other Zamb-onies down on the
ice through a pair of binoculars. SIMMS
reali-zes what’s going on - the players have been switched. SIMMS crunches his binoculars and gets to
his feet.
INT:
VIP PARKING GARAGE. EARLY EVENING
PARROT
runs into the parking garage and realizes the Caddy is gone. He decides to make a run for it. He runs to the PARKING ATTENDANT’s booth and
grabs the ATTENDANT by the shirt collar.
PARROT
Open
the door! Now!
The
PARKING ATTENDANT ducks back inside his booth and opens the garage door for
PARROT.
PARROT
(to attendant)
Don’t
let anybody else leave.
PARROT
ducks under the garage door as it raises and runs up the outside ramp leading
to the street.
EXT:
TARGET CENTER. EARLY EVENING
PARROT
heads outside and runs down the sidewalk to the awaiting Cadillac.
INT.
HALLWAY. EARLY EVENING
RILEY
and ELLIOT race down the halls and down a flight of stairs. They run into MARLEY and LAZLO drinking beer
and munching on hot dogs.
MARLEY
(to Riley and Elliot)
That
was a great display you two put on for the
half-time
show. The whole crowd got to watch
the
show on the big screen. Too bad you
didn’t
dance
a jig at the end.
RILEY
The
Parrot is heading for the parking garage.
Jugdish
and his crew are making their getaway.
If
word of our plan leaks out, we’re screwed.
MARLEY
Well,
what are you going to do about it?
ELLIOT
I
placed a GPS tracking device in the Cad-
illac. We can trail him in the Sex Machine.
RILEY
Oh,
man. That is the greatest fucking plan
I’ve
ever
heard. Let’s go.
RILEY
and ELLIOT run off down the stairs.
MARLEY and LAZLO just shrug.
MARLEY
(to Lazlo)
Fuck
it! We’ve got a game to watch. We got
to
find
Archie, before he makes his escape.
EXT:
TARGET CENTER. EARLY EVENING
The
pink Caddy flies down the street.
JUGDISH drives, while ELIZA rides shotgun. PARROT sits in the backseat.
INT:
HALLWAY. EARLY EVENING
RILEY
and ELLIOT race down the hall.
INT:
VIP PARKING GARAGE. EARLY EVENING
RILEY
and ELLIOT run through the parking garage.
CLEO and MER-CEDES are waiting in the Sex Machine. The Caddy is nowhere in sight.
RILEY
and ELLIOT arrive at the race car and pile inside. ELLIOT hits the gas.
ELLIOT
(to Cleo and Mercedes)
Hold
on, ladies. It’s going to be a bumpy
ride.
The
garage door is closing, about to seal any plans for an es-cape. ELLIOT honks the horn, but the ATTENDANT
won’t raise the door to let them out.
ELLIOT throws the car into reverse then floors it up the ramp. The Sex Machine crashes through the guard
arm and squeezes under the closing garage door.
EXT:
TARGET CENTER. EARLY EVENING
The
Sex Machine speeds out of the garage with the sound of a very familiar car
horn. The car’s tires peel rubber down
the street.
INT:
SEX MACHINE. EARLY EVENING
ELLIOT
turns on the GPS tracking system. A
beep appears heading north.
CLEO
Looks
like they’re headed for the airport.
Archie
has a private jet waiting there for
the
trip back to Seattle.
EXT:
STREET. EARLY EVENING
There
is a traffic jam. ELLIOT drives down the
sidewalk. People bail out of their
way.
RILEY
This
was a bad idea.
After
a minute or so, the Sex Machine gets off the sidewalk and back on the
road. They’re at a standstill. ELLIOT doesn’t hesi-tate. He floors the gas and bounces the car off the
curb. He gets the car up on two wheels
and drives between the two lanes of traffic until the traffic clears. The Sex Machine races down the highway. Two police cars start to chase after it.
INT:
SEX MACHINE. EARLY EVENING
ELLIOT
looks at his side mirror and sees the police cars gaining on them.
ELLIOT
It
never fails.
RILEY
Do
you know of any donut shops around here?
ELLIOT
Don’t
worry. I got an idea. We’ll lose ‘em.
ELLIOT
hits the nitrous, leaving the cops in the dust. The Sex Machine flies down the highway.
INT:
ARENA. EARLY EVENING
MARLEY
and LAZLO enter into the arena, trying to find SIMMS. The game hasn’t resumed.
The floodlights are still on.
Full power hasn’t been restored.
LAZLO
How
are we going to find him with all these
people?
MARLEY
Remember
what Riggs and Murtaugh did to find
Jack
Travis during the hockey game in ‘Lethal
Weapon
3‘?
LAZLO
shakes his head in acknowledgement.
MARLEY
drags LAZLO up to the announcer’s booth and grabs announcer CHARLES GORMAN’S
microphone.
MARLEY
(into microphone)
Sorry
to spoil the game, ladies and gents.
Some
minor
technical difficulties.
All
of a sudden, the power is switched back on.
MARLEY
(continued)
Hope
you all enjoyed that fantastic half-time
show. I know I did. That’s a first for a hockey
game. Just to let you know, the good guys won
for
a change. And, without further delay -
this
is
Lieutenant Marley Redmond of the Minnesota
Fighting
Sea Bees. Is there an Archie Simms in
the
house? Don’t bother trying to escape, Archie.
We’ve got the joint surrounded. Play on boys.
MARLEY
hands the microphone back to GORMAN and grabs LAZLO. They start running down the arena stairs to the rink.
SIMMS
is still seated above the Grunge’s players’ box. He appears nervous. He
scans the exits. There’s SECURITY
GUARDS everywhere. SIMMS gets to his
feet and crawls past screaming fans.
On
the ice, the hockey game resumes. The
players take the ice.
SIMMS
jumps down to the players’ box and jumps over the wall onto the ice.
The
REF drops the puck. The onslaught
resumes.
CRICKET
is now in the game, playing as JON GUNDERSON.
She is joined by BUDDY and EUGENE.
They have no knowledge of her presence.
SIMMS
races across the ice and is knocked down by one of his own players.
MARLEY
sees SIMMS and chases after. SIMMS
removes a gun and fires shots into the air, trying to scare the players out of
his way.
SIMMS
Get
out of my fucking way.
MARLEY
and LAZLO jump onto the ice and fall on their asses. They get to their feet and rejoin the chase.
SIMMS
jumps over the wall into the Zambonies’ box.
SIMMS heads for a tunnel to make his escape. Hopefully, JUGDISH is still in the parking garage.
INT:
TUNNEL. EARLY EVENING
SIMMS
races down the tunnel with MARLEY and LAZLO in tow. SIMMS heads for the stairwell to the parking garage, and just as
he gets to the door, he’s met by four of SNIGGY’S armed BODYGUARDS. A BODYGUARD grabs SIMMS gun.
SIMMS
What
the fuck’s going on here?
BODYGUARD
(to Simms)
Not
so fast, Mr. Simms. Mr. Eskew wants a
few
words
with you.
An
elevator opens and SIMMS is led inside by the BODYGUARDS. MARLEY and LAZLO join them. The elevator doors shut behind them. They all take the elevator upstairs.
INT:
ARENA. EARLY EVENING
The
game continues. The Grunge score a
point (3-2). The Zambon-ies’ net and
goalie are plowed over.
CRICKET
takes center court, and the REF drops the puck. She heads for the goal, but the puck is intercepted by a
Grunger. Angrily, she chases after
it. BUDDY gives the Grunger a nasty
wedgie and is put in the penalty box.
EUGENE
has control of the puck. He gets
stomped by a Grunger and smacks his head hard against the ice. Blood flies from his nose and mouth. CRICKET regains the puck, performs some
figure skating maneuvers, throws her stick up in the air, flips over a Grunger,
catches her stick, and scores a goal.
The game is tied 3-3.
INT:
SNIGGY ESKEW’S OFFICE. EARLY EVENING
MARLEY,
LAZLO, and the four BODYGUARDS drag SIMMS into SNIGGY’S office.
SIMMS
What
the fuck is this?
J.P.
is hanging out with SNIGGY. SNIGGY is
pissed.
SNIGGY
Hello,
again, Archie. Long time, no see.
(beat)
Thought
you could pull one over on the old
Eskew,
heh? Just to let you know, no one fucks
with
Sniggy Eskew. I will never sell the
team
to
you.
SIMMS
You
signed the contract. When your team
loses
-
and I’m sure they will, what with those pathet-
ic
excuses for replacement players you put out
there
- I’ll be taking over. I will put an
end
to
your lucrative franchise. Rest assured.
J.P.
I
don’t think you’ll have to worry about that
anytime
soon, Archie. We have something special
in
store for you.
SIMMS
What
are you going to do with me?
SNIGGY
(to bodyguards)
Boys,
let’s teach him a lesson.
BODYGUARD
(to Simms)
We
can do this the easy way or the hard way.
SIMMS
receives a fist to his face.
BODYGUARD
The
easy way.
SNIGGY
opens his desk drawer and removes a .45 magnum.
SNIGGY
Looks
like I get to be a mobster one last time.
Let’s
go, boys.
SNIGGY,
J.P., MARLEY, and LAZLO exit SNIGGY’S office.
The BODY-GUARDS follow immediately behind, dragging SIMMS’ unconscious
body with them.
INT:
ARENA. EARLY EVENING
The
time clock reads five minutes left in Period 3. The game continues.
Players from both sides continue to knock each other around. The usual hockey play.
A
Grunger is hauled away on a stretcher.
He has a black eye, no pants or jersey, just his pads and jock
strap.
CRICKET
skates on over to EUGENE.
CRICKET
Eugene?
We need to work together in order to win.
EUGENE’s
eyes go wide. He recognizes CRICKET’S
voice.
EUGENE
Cricket?
What are you doing out here? You don’t
know
how to play hockey.
CRICKET
I
was goalie on Escanaba’s girls’ varsity hockey
team
for three years back in high school. I
could
whip your ass.
(beat)
Just
don’t tell Marley. He’ll be jealous.
EUGENE
I’m
spent. I think I’m suffering from a
concuss-
ion
after a blow to the ice I took. You got
any strategies?
CRICKET
I
got one. I know the Grunge goalie’s
secret.
EUGENE
What
secret?
CRICKET
He’s
gay.
EUGENE
Go
for it.
EXT:
INTERSTATE. EARLY EVENING
Meanwhile,
the Sex Machine races along the Interstate.
The pink Cadillac is in view.
However, the Stanley Cup is nowhere in site.
INT:
SEX MACHINE. EARLY EVENING
ELLIOT
The
Stanley Cup must be in the trunk.
RILEY
I
have an idea.
(to Cleo and Mercedes)
Lower
the back seat.
The
girls lower the back seat and remove a bundle of rope, a grappling hook, and
mechanic’s cart. RILEY ties the rope to
the passenger door and climbs out through the window and onto the hood.
EXT:
SEX MACHINE. EARLY EVENING
RILEY
Get
closer.
RILEY
pulls out a special lock pick tool - a gun in a case. The Sex Machine pulls up right behind the Caddy, and RILEY
attaches the grappling hook to the rear bumper. RILEY crawls along the rope using the cart. JUGDISH swerves trying to knock him
off.
RILEY
jumps onto the back of the Caddy and shoots the lock off the trunk. PARROT climbs up and tries to throw him
off. The trunk pops open and RILEY
falls inside. PARROT is thrown
back-wards and lands in the backseat full of ping-pong balls.
RILEY
grabs the Cup. The Sex Machine pulls up
alongside. JUG-DISH sideswipes it. RILEY hands the Cup to the girls.
RILEY
tries to climb over to the Sex Machine but he slips. He lands on the cart and grabs onto the rope which PARROT removes
from the bumper. RILEY grabs onto the
hook and is dragged behind the Sex Machine like a waterskier. RILEY pulls himself along the rope and jumps
onto the hood of the Sex Machine.
ELLIOT slows down, and RILEY crawls back inside.
The
chase resumes. The cops are closing
in.
INT:
SEX MACHINE. EARLY EVENING
RILEY
(to Cleo and Mercedes)
What
else is left in the trunk?
CLEO
Some
scuba gear, a bow and arrows, and some
auto
parts.
RILEY
Give
me the bow and arrows.
CLEO
pulls out the bow and arrows and hands them to RILEY.
EXT:
SEX MACHINE. EARLY EVENING
RILEY
climbs out the window and perches himself on the door. The Sex Machine speeds up to get closer to
the Caddy. A lake is just up
ahead.
RILEY
fires an arrow at the back tire but misses.
He tries again and hits the right rear tire. The tire goes flat and the car starts to swerve wildly. RILEY shoots another arrow and shoots out
the front right tire. The Caddy’s
exhaust backfires and takes out the Sex Machine’s radiator.
The
Caddy spins out of control and flies off the road, crosses onto a grassy
median, onto a dirt frontage road, and finally crashes into the lake.
INT:
SEX MACHINE. EARLY EVENING
The
cops are real hot on the Sex Machine’s tail.
RILEY
Shit!
RILEY
climbs back inside.
RILEY
We
got to get off this road.
ELLIOT
We’ve
got a blown radiator. We’re fucked.
RILEY
glances over at the lake.
RILEY
The
lake isn’t too far across. Maybe we
could
jump
it and escape the police.
ELLIOT
Great
idea.
ELLIOT
doesn’t hesitate. He hits the nitrous
and turns off the Interstate.
EXT:
SEX MACHINE. EARLY EVENING
The
Sex Machine flies down a wooden pier and soars over the lake, but the car
doesn’t quite clear it. The Sex Machine
lands in the lake and starts to sink.
ELLIOT
Riley?
RILEY
Yes,
Elliot?
ELLIOT
You’re
a dick.
INT:
SEX MACHINE. EARLY EVENING
CLEO/MERCEDES
I
think we’re in trouble.
They
quickly roll up the windows as the car sinks.
EXT:
LAKE. EARLY EVENING
The
cops pull up to the pier. Ping-pong
balls float on the sur-face of the lake.
JUGDISH, ELIZA, and PARROT drag themselves ashore. They are quickly arrested and cuffed and
placed in two police cars. An OFFICER
admires JUGDISH’S pink leisure suit and bunny slippers and PARROT’S freakish
makeup.
OFFICER #1
(to Jugdish and Parrot)
Nice
outfits. They’re gonna love you where
you’re
going.
Another
OFFICER approaches.
OFFICER #2
What
about the others?
OFFICER #1
They’ll
pop up. Always do.
OFFICER #2
Better
call in the divers. Just in case.
INT:
ARENA. EARLY EVENING
The
Zambonies are trying to figure out how to win.
COACH COEN
That
wax on, wax off crap ain’t going to work.
They
have to have a weakness somewhere.
Of
our guys, only CRICKET and EUGENE make the final cut. The others have been kicked out of the game for brawling.
The
Grunge has control of the puck. A
player strikes the puck, but it misses the net by a mere inch, and it rolls
along the back wall. EUGENE rebounds
but is knocked down. A Grunger takes
the puck and strikes. It goes between
Zambonies’ goalie SKY DAVEY’s legs, but DAVEY falls square on top of it.
EUGENE
(to Davey)
That’s
using your ass.
There’s
less than a minute left.
INT:
ANNOUNCERS’ BOOTH. EARLY EVENING
CHARLES GORMAN
(to Al Jarvinen)
Al,
it looks like this game might just go into overtime.
AL JARVINEN
My
thoughts exactly.
INT:
ARENA. EARLY EVENING
The
players take the lineup. The puck is
dropped and the clock starts ticking away.
The
Grunge have the puck, but a Zambonie intercepts. It’s passed to EUGENE who passes it to CRICKET. The Grunge are hot on her tail. She’s nailed in the back of her legs, and
she goes down. She hits her head on the
ice. Blood drips from her mouth. She’s shaken. A Grunge steals the puck.
The
Grunger is knocked down, and the puck flies back their way. CRICKET is on her knees by Grunge goalie
NATE DYBVIG. EUGENE has the puck. CRICKET looks at DYBVIG and says in her real
voice -
CRICKET
(to Dybvig)
If
you let us win, I’ll fuck you in any posit-
ion
you want after the game.
DYBVIG
hesitates and smiles gayly. EUGENE
shoots the puck. It slips past DYBVIG’s
goalie’s mitt as he falls to the ground.
The Zambonies win the game at the buzzer. CRICKET falls limply to the ice.
Fans
rush the rink. The Zambonies high-five
each other and hug each other. Our guys
steer clear of them.
EUGENE
picks CRICKET up and drags her to the sidelines. She stares up at EUGENE.
Her eyes glazed over. She’s
ready to pass out.
CRICKET
Help
me take this mask off.
EUGENE
But,
they’ll see you.
CRICKET
Nothing
can stop that now. They’ll find out
sooner
or later.
BUDDY
converges on EUGENE and the fallen CRICKET.
EUGENE slowly peels CRICKET’S mask off.
BUDDY
Holy
shit! A gorgeous chick was playing hockey
all
along. How’s it hangin’, Cricket? That
was
a
nasty fall you took. You all right?
CRICKET
Fine.
They
help CRICKET to her feet and carry her away up the arena stairs. They dodge photographers and reporters.
CRICKET
Let’s
get out of here. I have no interest in
watching
the awards ceremony. Things will get
a
little crazy around here when the real players
don’t
show up.
EUGENE
I
don’t know. A Stanley Cup medal would
make
a
great souvenir.
EXT:
CORNFIELD. NIGHT
MARLEY,
LAZLO, J.P., SNIGGY ESKEW, and his BODYGUARDS drive the white van out to the
middle of nowhere - some cornfield some-where.
ARCHIE
SIMMS’ unconscious body lays in a deep grave.
In his hand is the contract signed by SNIGGY. The four Zambonies’ players SIMMS paid off stand around the grave
and watch the proceedings.
SNIGGY
(to Simms)
You’ve
called down the fucking thunder, Archie,
and
now you’ve got it. You’ve just signed
your
own
death certificate.
SNIGGY
lights a cigar and spits on SIMMS’ body and drops the cigar into the grave.
SNIGGY
Nobody
messes with Sniggy Eskew.
(to bodyguards)
Cover
him up.
SIMMS’
body is covered up with pink ping-pong balls and the grave is filled in with
dirt. SIMMS is buried alive.
SNIGGY
turns and faces the four Zambonies’ players.
They’re scared to death.
SNIGGY
(to players)
You
guys are lucky to be keeping your positions
on
the team. You ever take another payoff
to
throw
a game, or if you ever tell anybody about
this,
you’ll all be taking a dirt nap just like
our
friend Archie here. Now let’s get the
fuck
out
of here. A celebration is in order.
SNIGGY
lights a new cigar.
INT:
ARENA. NIGHT
The
Stanley Cup awards ceremony - the Stanley Cup hasn’t been returned yet, but the
medals are handed out; five of the players are missing; champagne is sprayed
all over; and the bucket of Gatorade is dumped over COACH COEN’S head.
INT:
ZAMBONIES’ LOCKER ROOM. NIGHT
Grunge
goalie NATE DYBVIG enters the Zambonies’ locker room looking for JON GUNDERSON
to have sex with. GUNDERSON is being
interviewed on the toilet. He doesn’t
remember a thing. His face is all
bruised. He’s not wearing any clothes
except his underwear. He’s taking a
massive dump of explosive diarrhea.
DYBVIG walks over and sits down on top of GUNDERSON on the toilet and
starts humping him in front of the reporters.
GUNDERSON
What
the fuck?
GUNDERSON
jumps off the toilet and buries DYBVIG’s face in the toilet bowl, which is full
of shit. REPORTERS start clicking off
photographs like mad.
EXT:
LAKE. NIGHT
An
hour later, RILEY, ELLIOT, CLEO, and MERCEDES still haven’t surfaced from under
the water.
OFFICER #2
How
long they been down there? An hour?
OFFICER #1
Nobody
can survive that long. Not even
Houdini.
Send
in the divers.
UNDERWATER
Two
divers swim down to the bottom of the lake and find RILEY and ELLIOT making out
with CLEO and MERCEDES inside the submerged Sex Machine.
INT:
SEX MACHINE. NIGHT
Inside
the car, RILEY, ELLIOT, CLEO, and MERCEDES pass around a scuba tank. A diver taps on the window. ELLIOT rolls down the window and shows the
diver his driver’s license.
INT:
COUNTY JAIL. NIGHT
RILEY,
ELLIOT, CLEO, and MERCEDES get police mugshots. ELLIOT of course has to smile like an idiot.
INT:
PRISON CELL BLOCK. NIGHT
JUGDISH
and PARROT are being led off to their prison cell in chains. JUGDISH is still wearing his pink leisure
suit and his bunny slippers. PARROT,
however, has since removed his makeup.
The GUARD hands JUGDISH a tube of Preparation H.
GUARD
Here,
you’ll be needing this.
JUGDISH
has a worried expression on his face.
They
arrive at their prison cell. The GUARD
unlocks the cell door and ushers JUGDISH and PARROT inside.
GUARD
(to Jugdish and Parrot)
Boys,
I’d like to introduce you to your new
cellmates. Meet Buford Dee and Lobo Dumme.
They’re
in for child molestation. Have a
good
time.
The
GUARD locks the cell door and leaves back down the cellblock hallway.
INT:
PRISON CELL. NIGHT
Inside
the prison cell, JUGDISH and PARROT are greeted by their new cellmates, BUFORD
DEE and LOBO DUMME, two of the fattest, ugliest, grossest mother fuckers on the
face of the planet. LOBO takes an
interest in JUGDISH’S stylish wardrobe.
PARROT takes a seat on a lower bunk.
BUFORD takes a liking to him immediately. He starts licking PARROT’S face and pinches his nipples. PARROT doesn’t make a move. As for JUGDISH -
LOBO
(to Jugdish)
Hello,
Mr. Easter Bunny. Where are you hiding
your
Easter eggs?
JUGDISH
only nods and stares at his feet.
LOBO
What,
no answer? Looks like it’s time for a full
body
search. I’m going to find those Easter
eggs.
JUGDISH
leans against the bars and assumes the position. LOBO rips JUGDISH’S pants off and quickly discovers JUGDISH’S
missing genitalia. JUGDISH is ashamed.
LOBO
Hey,
Buford, take a look at this.
BUFORD
lets go of PARROT and approaches LOBO and JUGDISH.
LOBO
Take
a look at that. This guy’s a woman.
BUFORD
Looks
like we got one of them transgenders, here.
LOBO
I
never had no half and half before.
(to Jugdish)
We’re
gonna have lots of fun with you and your
weird-looking
friend there.
BUFORD
Pucker
up, Easter Bunny. You’re in for a world
of
hurt.
JUGDISH’S
butt cheeks are spread wide, and LOBO rams his fist up JUGDISH’S poop
shoot. JUGDISH lets out with a
thunderous scream that echoes down the halls.
The tube of Preparation H drops to the floor.
INT:
PRISON CELL. NIGHT
ELIZA
is placed into her cell. The pink
diamond engagement ring is now missing from her finger. Her cellmate is some big, fat, drooling,
black hulkabitch named JABBA THE SLUT.
JABBA THE SLUT takes one look at ELIZA and smiles a grotesque smile and
snorts.
JABBA THE SLUT
(to Eliza)
Do
you like sex?
ELIZA
So,
this is what hell is like.
FADE
TO BLACK
AGAINST
BLACK TITLE CARD:
Sunday, June 20th,
1999
10:00 a.m.
FADE
IN
EXT:
COUNTY JAIL. DAY
RILEY
and ELLIOT are released from the jailhouse.
They each carry a manilla envelope with their possessions inside.
ELLIOT
(to Steve)
You
watch ‘The Dukes’ all your life, and you’re continually
misled that a car can actually jump
anything
without suffering a scratch, and this
is
what happens in real life. What a
fucking
jip,
dude.
They
climb aboard EUGENE’S awaiting motor home parked at the curb.
INT:
EUGENE’S MOTOR HOME. DAY
EUGENE,
RILEY, ELLIOT, BUDDY, and CRICKET sit inside the motor home as RILEY and ELLIOT
climb aboard.
BUDDY
What
happened to your two dates? Those girls
were
hot.
ELLIOT
They
still have some answers to provide to the
police
about Jugdish, Parrot, and Eliza. The
Stanley
Cup was returned this morning.
EUGENE
It’s
too bad we couldn’t put Bob’s ashes inside
the
Cup. It was what he always wanted.
BUDDY
Can
we go home now?
EUGENE
Whatever
you say, Buddy.
RILEY
What
about Marley and Lazlo?
CRICKET
They’ll
be along shortly. They’re just taking
care
of checking out at the motel. Marley
was
really
pissed about the large bill you guys rang
up. Luckily, Jack is picking up the bill, or
Marley
and Lazlo would be washing dishes for
quite
some time.
BUDDY
On
the way home, do you think we could stop at
Tobie’s
for some Elephant Ears?
ALL
No!
They
all share a good laugh.
INT:
PUTTER’S DEN. DAY
J.P.
pours himself a drink at the bar and lights up a cigar. He walks over to a fireplace mantel where
the ashes of BIBLE BOB sit in a souvenir Stanley Cup-shaped beer stine. J.P. lights his cigar and smiles.
J.P.
(to Bible Bob’s ashes)
Sorry
I couldn’t quite fulfill your wishes,
Dad. I can’t say I didn’t try. It’s not the
real
Stanley Cup, but it’s a start. At least
it
looks like the real thing. It’s got the
Zambonies’
winning year etched into the glass.
And
the good thing is, I can keep this Cup on
my
mantel forever, so I can always honor your
memory.
All
of a sudden, the door bell rings.
J.P.‘s Doberman, Triple Screws, races out of the den and into the living
room. J.P. follows.
EXT:
FRONT DOOR. NIGHT
J.P.
opens the front door and peaks outside.
There’s nobody there.
J.P.
The
vultures are circling. Go away, vulture
poontang.
All
of a sudden, the ghost of BIBLE BOB appears from a row of bushes. He pushes along a bicycle with him. Triple Screws cowers by J.P.‘s feet.
J.P.
(to Bible Bob)
Holy
shit! You’re real.
BIBLE BOB
Nope. Just a ghost.
J.P.
How’s
it going, stranger?
BIBLE BOB
I
don’t have much time. The angels are
calling
to
me. My time has come. I’m finally going
to
heaven after all these years. Thank
Christ.
Do
you have any idea how much my ass hurts from
riding
around on this damn bicycle for so long?
My
hemorrhoids are growing hemorrhoids.
J.P.
You’re
welcome, Dad.
BIBLE BOB
Always
the smartass.
(beat)
Congratulations
for winning the Cup.
J.P.
No,
thank you. If it wasn’t for you, we
would
never
have won. It was your dream. We filled
it
for you. Your wish has been granted.
BIBLE BOB
Thanks,
son. Anyway, it’s time for me to hit
the
road, Jack. No pun intended.
(beat)
If
you ever need to call me, I’ll be there.
J.P.
One
last thing before you go. Something
that’s
been
troubling me for years.
(beat)
Why
did you leave your wife and family all those
years
ago? When Mom was dying?
BIBLE BOB
She
told me from her deathbed, to “Go live your
life”. And, that’s exactly what I did. She
told
me to go seek out my dreams. She was
seek-
ing
out her own path in life. My path
wasn’t
hers. I loved your mother very much, Jack. I
always
will. She just didn’t want to be a
burd-
en. That’s why I left. I’m sorry I never told
you. It was something I needed to keep to myself.
J.P.
Thanks,
Dad. I love you.
BIBLE BOB
I
love you, too, son.
BIBLE
BOB climbs onto his bicycle and starts pedaling away. J.P. glances down at Triple Screws.
J.P.
Is
this what they call “giving up the ghost”?
(beat)
Go
get ‘em, boy.
Triple
Screws dashes across J.P.‘s yard and chases BIBLE BOB’S bicycle down the
street. BIBLE BOB rings his bicycle
horn. The orange flag on the back of
the bicycle flaps in the breeze as the bicycle disappears into thin air. No longer is BIBLE BOB a lost soul on a
quest, he’s a guardian angel in heaven.
FADE
TO BLACK
THE END