I guess I’ve known for a while now that things have been messed up. The fact that I haven’t written anything worth reading in ages is a big enough clue. The fact that my journal pages are stiff and even though full seem empty… my mind has been a little off kilter. That tranquil stream of consciousness has faded into the murky swamp. Find it? I hope I can.

The respect I have always had for myself and my body and my soul has taken a back seat to the pleasures of drinking and smoking and sex. I am no longer fulfilled by knowing just that I am loved by my friends. I feel as though I must be desired and coveted and seen as a prized possession and be yet unpossessable. I feel as though if I immerse myself in more parties, have more men, and loose more weight maybe my life will make sense again. If I can fit my big ass into those cute black pants from the mall and maybe get that cute guy in my psych class to make out with me… then my life will be meaningful again.

Where did this come from?

When did I become that girl that I have always pitied? How can I not be that person I was once so proud of being? That person that could look at any situation and find the deeper meaning and the beauty of being- that person who did not get caught up in the webs of deceit spun by the black widows (bitches)? When did I become jealous?

Where did this come from?

(was it you? were those nights my undoing? how did you manage to change me so? do I want you to stay out of my life? my bed? my soul? or is it that I want you so much to be there always?)

(can you care about me like I care about you? do you feel the emptiness like I do? do you ask yourself the same question…

Where did this come from?

… a year ago I could have hugged you without the tears, kissed you without the ache, seen you with her-without the fake smile, fake laugh…. a year ago I didn’t want to hold you close and touch your face… is it better now that I know this ache? does it make me more human to want (need) something I can not have?…. )