A bit about me- continued
I wrote in that last piece…. “These are the things I’m happy to have learned in my seventeen years.”
Right, do we ever really learn anything?
I’m 19 now, and I’ll be 20 in a few months. Life is so drastically different than it was then. Things move so fast. Am I still a shiny, happy person? Yes, actually, I am. But I’ve learned another thing. I’ve learned that even when you’re a shiny happy person, there is always insecurity, disillusion, and pain. I’ve learned that even when you do your best to be the best person you can be, there are times when you can’t. There are times when you are not. No matter how hard you try.
I’ve learned that you have to live for yourself. What’s the point of living for anyone else? Are they living for me? Do they wake up in the morning thinking .. “what can I do today that will make Amie happy?”
No.
They definitely don’t.
In fact, I’ve found that most people wake up in the morning and think absolutely nothing. And they go through their day thinking absolutely nothing. Like babies. They think of their next meal, their next play time, and their next nap.
The children of the world.
Maybe it’s sad that I’m not a child anymore.
When I wake up, my mind bursts. It’s like the sunrise. It’s my time. I think about so many things it’s impossible to write them all down. When I walk the sidewalks of college, and I see the thousands of students walking with me, I think… “what are they like, what is their life, what are/is their happiness, their fears, their insecurities?”
Most of the time, the thoughts I see in their eyes run along the lines of “I’m only a block from Pizza Hut, mmmm… breadsticks.” –or- “gee, I’m hungover. I wonder if that cute guy last night noticed me?”
It makes me sad.
I want my life to be so much more than that.
What else have I learned about life? What else haunts my everyday existence? What do I think when I am angry at the actions of people, when their selfish, unthinking ways make no sense to me and I wish I could shake them until their teeth rattle in their heads?
I’ve learned that there is nothing I can do.
And that's been the hardest lesson to learn.
**********
Yep, I was unhappy then. I know you're thinking it anyway.
Hopeless.
There is a very angry man in one of my classes right now. He is so angry. We talk about politics and he just wants to argue with someone, he just wants to get some of that pent up anger out. I guess I know how he feels.
Life has been really beautiful lately. I stop sometimes as I walk in from outside, and notice the beatuy of the sun or moon on the water of the Sauk River. Beauty. The ducks and the geese and the squirrels. The clouds fascinate me to no end.
Life is so beautiful.
I am getting closer and closer to the end of school. (Now, by the way, it's only two months until my 21st birthday. Amazing how fast time goes by.) My life has blossomed from disgusted, futile rage into a flurry of action and positivity. I have been working very hard to make my life and the world better in what ways I can (does that sound egotistical? I don't know. I want to do the best I can for me, and for any who I touch. I get assignments in classes, and if I do not think they make me grow, I change the assignment- to make it harder, more challenging, and more meaningful to ME. And it is wonderful.)
I've learned that there is plenty I can do. Whatever I can. It's all I can do.
