There was there three old men a hippie, a daytripper (shroomer),and a tweeker. They were all sitting on top of the Empire State Building, talking with God. God was going to give them one wish before they jumped off the Empire State Building: to become any animal they wished. The hippie looked down and said, "I want to be a butterfly!" So he jumped off the building and POOF! He became a beautiful butterfly. The daytripper said he wanted to be a Dragonfly so he jumped off and POOF! He became a Dragonfly. The tweeker was real nervous because He couldn't think of what kind of animal to become so while he was thinking and about to jump a big gust of wind came and pushed him off he yelled, "Oh shit!" and BAMM he landed on the ground 88 floors below. The moral of the story: Don't fuck with God and don't fuck with manmade drugs...
There's a horny hippie on a bus which only has one other passenger on it, an elderly nun from a local parish. The hippie is so in need of some free love that he approaches the nun and propositions her. Shocked that he would even think to ask her such a question, the nun pulls the line above her head and gets off the bus. Once she is gone, the bus driver calls the hippie over to him. "Hey buddy, I know how you can get the nun to have sex with you." The hippie, excited by this asks how. "Every night at midnight that same sister goes to the cemetery and prays by the statue of Saint Peter. If you dress up as God and appear to her there she'll do anything you want!" So the hippie gets a nifty god costume together and goes to the cemetery at midnight. Sure enough the sister is there, praying. He hides behind the statue and jumps out, saying "Sister, I am your God and I choose you to have sex with me." The nun agrees, but asks if they can have anal sex so she can retain her virginity. The hippie, who is of the mindset that sex is sex, quickly agrees and does the deed. When he's finished he's so proud of himself that he stands up, rips off his costume and screams "HAHA! I'm the hippie from the bus!!!!" The nun stands, rips her habit from her head and screams "HAHA!!! I'm the bus driver!!!!"
A stoner was walking down the street one day with his dog. It was very hot outside so he tied his dog under a tree and went into a bar for a cold beer. Meanwhile a little old lady complained to two RCMP officers that two dogs were going at it outside of the bar. The officers went inside the bar and asked, "Who owns the dog tied up outside?" "I do," said the stoner. "Do you know that your dog is in heat?" said one officer. "No he ain't man, I tied him up under a big tree," said the stoner. "No, I mean that your dog's needin' bred," said the officer. "Shit," said the stoner, "I just fed him half an hour ago." "No, no you stupid ass," said the cop. "I mean your dog needs to get fucked." The stoner thought for a moment and said, "Well go right ahead, I always wanted a police dog."
A stoner is standing in front of a pop machine when a man walks up behind him. The stoner puts his money in the machine, pushes the button, then takes the pop out and sets it on the ground. Again, the stoner puts his money in the machine, pushes the button, and takes the pop out of the machine to set it on the ground. This goes on for about 5 minutes before the man waiting to get something to drink says, "What the HELL are you doing?!?" The stoner turns around and says, "Duh! I'm WINNING!"
Once there were three men on Death Row: one from Texas, one from New York City and a weedhead from Missouri. On the day of their execution they were given an choice between death by hanging or the electric chair. First, the man from Texas walks up and he says, "Man I don't want to die choking so I will take the electric chair." The executioner says, "The chair is broken, so you're free to go." As he's walking out he tells the man from NYC that the chair is broken. So the man from NYC walks up says "Hmmmm!!! I'll take the electric chair!" The cop says, "You're free to go!" So as he's walking out he tells the weedhead the electric chair is broken. The weedhead walks up and says "Hmmmm!!! Well, since the electric chair here is broken, I guess I am gonna have to take the gas chamber."
There's an Aggie, a Yankee, and a stoner stranded on a deserted island. A genie suddenly appears and grants each of them a wish. The Aggie says, "I wish I was in Hawaii surrounded by beautiful women." POOF!! He was granted his wish. Next, the Yankee said, "I wish I was home surrounded by piles and piles of money!" POOF!! His wish was granted. The stoners turn was next. So he looks around, realizes he is alone, and says with a bewildered look, "I wish my friends were back." POOF!!
A stoner walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: --------------------------------------- | Cheese Sandwich: $1.50 | Chicken Sandwich: $2.50 | Hand Job: $10.00 --------------------------------------- Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally-attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she asks with a knowing smile, "May I help you?" "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes", she purrs, "I am." The man replies "Well wash your fucking hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"
One day Jesus and Moses are playing golf. Jesus has a difficult shot and he asks Moses for the 6-iron. "Now, Jesus," says Moses, "I think you have a better chance of making it with the 3-wood." But Jesus insists, "No, if Jack Nicklaus can do it, so can I." Moses gives Jesus the 6-iron club and he hits the ball into a pond. Moses walks over, parts the water, picks up the ball and gives it back. "Jesus, just please consider using the 3-wood." "No! If Jack Nicklaus can do it I can do it." And with that he again hits it in the water. Moses parts the water again, gives him the ball and says, "If you hit it in the water again, I am not going to go get it!" Jesus swings and knocks it in the water again. Jesus goes and walks on the water to find his ball. While this is happening, a man yells at Moses saying, "Look at that guy walking on the water! He must think he's Jesus Christ!" Moses yells back, "No, he thinks he's Jack Nicklaus!"
There once was a bud named B.C. He grew on a 7 foot tree Till one day I plucked him Rolled him&smoked him And now I can barely see!
Three hippies are sitting around smoking a joint. One says, "I am going to go take a bath." He goes upstairs to the bathroom, fills up the bathtub, starts to get in the bathtub and then stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Hmmmmm, am I getting in or am I getting out?" So he sits there and thinks about it. The second one says, "Well, he's been up there for awhile, I better go check on him." When he gets halfway upstairs he stops for a moment, and thinks to himself, "Am I going upstairs or am I going downstairs?" He stays there and thinks about it. The third guy says, "I hope I never get blasted as much as those two, knock on wood!" So he knocks on the table and says, "Was that the front door or the back door?" A stoner walks into a 7-11 and says to the guy behind the counter, "Got any weed?" The man says, "No, we don't," so the stoner leaves. The next day the stoner comes back and says, "got any weed?". The man behind the counter once again says, "No, I told you yesterday, we don't sell weed here," and with that the stoner leaves again. So the stoner comes back the next day and says, "Hey, got any weed?" The man behind the counter says, "Look, asshole, I told you twice already we don't sell any fucking weed in here. If you come in here again and ask for weed I'm gonna nail your fucking feet to the floor you fucking burnout!" So the stoner leaves. The next day the stoner comes back and says, "Hey, got any nails?" The man behind the counter says, "No." So the stoner says, "Got any weed?"
