THE WANDERERS

 Chapter 5 - Bad Puns Escape Me
by Bruce Greenwood

 The Doctor frowned. "You know, I've got this feeling that things aren't quite what they ought to be."

 Professor Robinson loooked at the strange little man in disbelief. "We're trapped in a cave by a sudden rain of acid that eats through solid rock, my children have gone missing along with your friend, the Robot is stuck out there probably melted down into a pile of slag and things 'aren't quite what they ought to be?'"

 "Hmm. You know, that could be it." The Doctor stuck his finger in his mouth. "Don't you find it a little odd that this acidic rain is eating into the rock? If it was any kind of natural occurence, then either the rock would have been eaten away already or - hmm. And that creature, too."

 Shaking his head, he sat down on the floor and pulled out a recorder. Professor Robinson was relieved to note that it appeared to be broken in half. "Oh dear." The Doctor looked at it sadly before setting it to one side. "Let's just think things through for a minute. Now, when my friends and I arrived here, we were attacked by some kind of reptile, which we of course assumed was indigenous."

 Professor Robinson shrugged. "Seems fairly likely to me, Doctor. Say, what is your n-"

 "Now, assuming that it was indigenous, then that should mean that it would have some kind of resistance to the acids." The Doctor paused, and his frown somehow seemed to get deeper. "Which would suggest, of course, that the creature wasn't indigenous."

 "Except the rocks are being melted by the acid!" Professor Robinson knelt down by the Doctor. "Maybe it's the acid that's unnatural."

 The Doctor beamed and nodded excitedly. "Yes, of course! I knew you'd get there eventually." He looked alarmed. "Oh my, that was terribly rude of me. Anyway, the question that we have to ask now is, of course - "

 "Where did the acid come from?"

 Outside, the deadly rain continued to fall.

 "You kids had better have a damned good reason for being on government property. And I'd better not get any stories about a lost ball or anything."

 Will stepped forward. "My name is Will Robinson. I'm part of the crew of the Jupiter 2, the ship that got lost in space about two years ago."

 The soldier nodded. "Sure. And I suppose that the girl here is supposed to be some kind of alien, right?"

 "No, I'm human. My name's Zoe Herriot, and I'm - well, it's a bit hard to explain, but - "

 "Save it, lady. Right now all I'm interested in is the fact that you're both trespassing on government property, supposedly in the middle of nowhere." The soldier shook her head in tired disgust. "Now all I need is some more of those lunatic FBI agents and I'll have a full set." Turning back to her troops, she beckoned one of them forward.

 "Lieutenant Flanders, take these two kids back to the base and put them in a holding room. Chalmers is going to want to speak to them." She turned and glared at them. "And Lieutenant, if you get any funny business from either of them, don't hesitate taking whatever means you see fit to stop them. They may be kids, but there's no way they should be here."

 Maureen just nodded. It seemed to be the safest response. She'd felt like doing something unspeakable to him when she saw the trouble that he'd put Will into, but something about the way he kept fondling the wrench on the table had stopped her.

 He'd been showing her various things on the screens, some of which showed the aliens he'd called the Aanotifh'ew, others showing her family and friends, while some had shown things which didn't seem to have any relevance at all.

 "Well, now that I've told you my whole plan for universal domination, what shall we do next? We could plan my downfall, but that would sort of be a teeny tiny bit redundant, me knowing what I was going to do to stop me. And do stop me if I'm boring you, or at least drilling into you." He giggled. "You never really think that the term Mad Scientist has some real base behind it, do you? Except, I'm sure, that you're willing to make an exception in my case. And fair enough, says I, I say, say you say me say it together."

 "Naturally," said Maureen drily. She was beginning to wonder just how sane this man had been before he'd tried his 'great experiment' on himself. There was no question that he was a genius, his working with and on the mirrors showing an expertise with the strange technology he was using. For some reason it seemed to involve static electricity.

 Occasionally he'd fly off into fits of rage for no apparent reason. He'd rush at her, sometimes wielding one of his tools (the spanner seemed to be his favourite), others just with his hands extended like claws. Just as quickly, however, he'd suddenly stop, walk calmly away from her and start talking about anything and everything.

 She was learning to dread the silences.

 "I was telling you about the Aanotifh'ew, wasn't I. They look a bit like birds - no, I tell a lie, that's budgerigars. Always get those two mixed up, for some reason. Anyway, these bu-Antifrigars are almost as mad as me. And for an entire species, that's saying something, sister." He frowned. "You're not my sister. I killed her and ate her liver with some wild rice and mushrooms. Well, it was someone's liver, and I never saw my sister after that, but the mushrooms were nice. It would be nice to have a sister, too. Anyway, the Aanotifh'ew are here to kill off the Hdojjwh, because I've told them that the Hdojjwh are really here." He grinned and leaned over to her conspiratorially. "And guess what. They really are! And the Aanotifh'ew are going to kill them, then set me free. Then I'll have the option of going out of here. I won't until I go mad, but..." He shrugged, smiled, then lunged at Maureen with a yell of pure rage.

 The war had been a mistake. The remainder of the species could see that after the Aanotifh'ew's first strike had destroyed their entire home planet, along with roughly ninety per cent of the entire Hdojjwh race.

 Not a one had suggested surrender, as total extinction was to most more preferable than slavery, and at this point would be very easy to achieve. Besides, the Aanotifh'ew had not appeared to be willing to show any mercy so far, and it seemed likely that any surrender would be followed by mass execution, if it was indeed acknowledged at all.

 Pradnn's mate, Nndarp, looked up at him in sympathy. Their Rapport had been strong for quite some time now, especially with the gestation of their child. At one point, she'd seen the child as a symbol of hope, of resistance. Now all he could see was bitter irony.

 Zzatt stomped around irritably. She'd been getting worse ever since he'd been on this planet, constantly finding things to complain about in both the present and the past. "I don't suppose for a minute you have a plan for getting us out of this mess. Or are we just going to pray to the God of lucky escapes?"

 Pradnn sighed wearily. "At the moment, no, I don't have a plan. The ship is still broken, and we still have no way of fixing it. Our weapons have already proved next to useless against our enemies, but at least we can make a stand. If some of us fight the Aanotifh'ew while others of us hide, there's a slim chance that we will survive."

 The older Hdojjwh looked into Pradnn's face. "We're all going to die here, aren't we?" She said softly.

 There didn't seem to be much point in lying anymore. It was as obvious to all the others as it had been to her. "Yes. It seems inevitable. Without any means of escape, I don't see how we can avoid any of the enemy's scans or weaponry."

 Zzatt nodded. "Well, the least we can do is go down fighting." He grinned suddenly. "Let's take a few of those bastards with us, eh?"

 Pradnn tried to smile as he shook Zzatt's hand. "Yes. As many of them as we damn well can."

 She caught Nndarp's eye. His mate had been crying. Looking down at the tiny lump near her belly, he couldn't help crying herself. "Such potential," she whispered, a tear rolling up his lower cheek.

 Doctor Smith glowered at Major West. "I hardly think that such levity is appropriate."

 Major West just smiled grimly. "Well, it always seems to work for you, so I thought I might give it a try."

 Doctor Smith just sniffed, then turned his back resolutely on the other two.

 His grin fading, Major West turned to look at Jamie again. "So tell me a bit more about this spaceship of yours."

 Jamie shrugged. "I dinna know too much of it, if that's what you mean. The Doctor's the one you should be asking. He knows more about the TARDIS than I-"

 The effect on Doctor Smith was electrifying. He span around and stared at Jamie, his wide eyes filled with even more fear than usual. "TARDIS? Who's TARDIS? It isn't - no, he wouldn't dare - oh my."

 "Do ye know the Doctor, then?" Jamie looked at Doctor Smith with interest. He'd never seen anyone go quite that pale before.

 "The *Doctor*? Oh, of course! For a moment - " Doctor Smith breathed a loud sigh of contented relief. Then his eyes widened. "Oh my. That must mean that he was one of the people who attacked me!" He shot an accusatory glance at Jamie, whose immediate reaction was a low growl. "See how even now this - this savage beast is poised to attack me? I warned you, Major West - "

 West had had enough. "And now I'm warning you. If you even begin to say even just one more word, I'll throw you out as bait for that creature and then shoot one of you. Maybe even both."

 Doctor Smith had no choice but to glare at Major West, but he made some quite rude gestures when West's back was turned.

 "Hey, I've just noticed something," said Jamie.

 Major West and Doctor Smith both turned their heads slightly. "The rain's stopped," Said West.

 "So's that lizard beastie," Added Jamie.

 West nodded. "Probably a good time to get out and take stock of the damage while they've both stopped. Jamie, I want you to come with me. I may believe you, but there's no sense in leaving you behind with Doctor Smith. At best he'd probably frame you again. At worst he'd start telling you his whole life story."

 "Cretin," snarled Doctor Smith contemptuously. West tapped his gun meaningfully, and Smith shrank back.

 Shaking his head, Major West beckoned to Jamie and went outside the ship. Jamie found him staring at the Jupiter 2, cursing fluently and thoroughly under his breath. When Jamie turned to look at the ship, he could see why.

 "Bad?" He asked.

 Major West nodded grimly. "Very bad. I don't think we'll be able to get the ship off the ground, let alone back into space."

 Sighing heavily, he sat down on a rock and put his head in his hands. "It looks like the Jupiter 2 is grounded for good..."

 To be continued...