I The Pretty Things Are Going to Hell

 The woman uncrossed her legs, her blue-purple skirt riding slightly up, over her knees. She tugged at the collar of her jacket, then absently fingered the earring on her left ear.

 Bob Flutie, approachable principal and upstanding member of the teaching profession, cleared his throat and tore his eyes away from her legs. He found her very alluring for her age. And his.

 "Well, erm, this all appears to be in order, Miss," he glanced down at the papers on his desk. "Miss Stiles."

 Miss Stiles smiled. It was ever so slightly forced.

 "I'll have the school nurse carry out the--"

 "No," she cut him off. "I'd rather perform the examinations myself. Just to be on the safe side."

 "Well, I suppose that would be OK. I'll show you the medical room myself."

 "That won't be necessary."

 Mr Flutie squinted. "What did you say these tests were for, again?"

 "They are routine."

 "Routine?"

 Miss Stiles looked the principal in the eyes and fingered her earring again.

 "Of course. Routine," said Mr Flutie.

 Miss Stiles smiled. She stood and left the room, tugging at her cumbersome bracelet as she went through the door.

 Mr Flutie sat in inactive silence for the next hour, until his secretary brought him his eleven o'clock cup of coffee. After that, he rubbed his eyes for a few moments, and thought about how time was flying these days and there just weren't enough hours for all the work he had to do and now he had a room full of over-due appointments.

 II Biological Imperatives, the first -- Blood of the Sacred

 BOOM

 Doctor Young fanned the green smoke away from the shattered glass. He turned the bunsen burner off and prodded the thick grey gel on the table. Then he looked at Willow.

 "I'm-- I'm--" she stammered. "I'm sorr--"

 "A genius!" he interrupted. "You've just invented tri-polymer plasma, the core of twenty-first century biomechanics. Or it will be, I mean. Probably." His eyes flashed anxiously around, like a child caught with a cookie jar jammed on his fist. "You never know. It's, erm, one theory." He paused and looked at Willow's diary. He turned it round and flipped open the inside cover, looking at the calendar there and running his finger under the year. "Just, please don't do it again. Not for another fifteen years of so, anyway."

 "OK," said Willow, befuddled.

 "Promise?"

 "Absolutely," Willow's frown was popping here eyes out. She was seriously thrown -- even for her.

 Doctor Young grinned. "Good. Very well done." Then the bell rang. As Doctor Young walked away, Fiona, Willow's equal and her lab partner in Buffy's absence, leant over.

 "You could have mentioned my part in it," she said with a grin.

 "I didn't want to embarrass you," said Willow.

 "Ri-ight."

 "Is it--?" she asked.

 "Over? Yes," said Willow.

 "I was supposed to see principal Flutie about missing yesterday's class. He was running an hour late, then he told us to go to classes and go back and see him later."

 "And because of that you missed the same class today. How tragically ironic," said Xander.

 "Two in two days. And you still haven't got to meet the new biology teacher."

 "No, well, can't be helped," Xander rattled.

 "Flutie was behaving very oddly. Kind of-- spaced."

 "Ooh, principal on drugs," said Xander. "My key to the big time on the school paper."

 "Not funny, Xander. Something strange is happening. Vampires without an allergy to the cross. There's something in the air, I can feel it."

 "That'll be those honed senses we've heard so much about," said Xander.

 "And it started when that new Biology teacher arrived."

 "Doctor Young?" said Willow. "He couldn't be connected to anything-- well, paranormal. Could he? He seems so nice. And so does his son."

 "I don't know. Doesn't he seem a little young to have a son our age?"

 "Maybe he's adopted," said Willow.

 The PA system suddenly squeaked on. "Students, this is your principal speaking. A specialist from the education board is here to carry out routine medical examinations. These examinations are routine. Would the following report at the following times--"

 A woman in a blue-ish suit walked past, largely unnoticed, looking up at the nearest PA speaker with marked approval.

 III Biological Imperatives, the second -- Blood of the Damned

 A chair scraped on cracked linoleum as Willow filed into the sick room behind Fiona. There was a woman inside.

 "Good morning, girls. I am Miss Stiles."

 Miss Stiles was an athletic, middle-aged woman -- attractive in an earthly, no-nonsense way. She wore smart, high-heeled black boots and a neatly tailored, blue-purple skirt suit with padded shoulders and a high collar. She had a thin, firm face, high cheekbones given added definition by crimson blusher that matched her impeccable lipstick. Her auburn hair was cut in a neat, boyish style with pointed sideburns and a parting swept from the crown to the right temple, above the streak of grey. The only jewellery she wore was a pair of small, triangular blue earrings and a bulky metal bracelet that seemed out of place on her elegant frame.

 Willow and Fiona sat on uncomfortable plastic seats while Miss Stiles performed strange tests on them. She examined their mouths, eyes, ears, took blood, skin and hair samples, checked pulses and blood pressures, and refused to answer any of the girl's questions but asked them many herself. She asked them about science, about their background and the health history of their families. About their interests and what they believed in, what they wanted. Then she pointed a tube thing at them, at their heads, smiling as she read an LCD on its rear.

 "Excellent," she said at the end of it all. "You may go."

 As Willow and Fiona walked out of the room, instead of the cross that had been placed next to most student's names, a small question mark was placed next to theirs. Miss Stiles flicked through the papers on the desk and found the girls' addresses, making a note of them in a red leather-bound notebook.

 IV First Night

 "These readings are terribly diffused," said the Doctor. "Can't get any sort of a lock. But the flexion would appear to be around here somewhere."

 The Doctor and Wil were struggling around in the bushes outside the back of the school, an hour or two after sunset.

 "Let's see if I can get my bearings. I think that's the window to the staff room. Those should be the ones to the girl's locker rooms."

 Wil's ears pricked up.

 "That must be the library."

 "Shouldn't this thing be rather obvious?"

 "Well, yes. Certainly once you get close. But it could be underground."

 "Marvellous. How do we get to it if it is?"

 "Dig?"

 The Doctor went back to waving his wand-like tool around, inspecting its flashing lights and listening to the changing pitch of its tone.

 Just over the noise, Wil heard a branch snap. Very creepy. He'd already had some sixth sense warning that they were being followed, but he'd chalked it down to unfamiliar surroundings.

 "Doctor."

 "I think we're almost there."

 "Doctor, I don't think we're alone."

 "What?"

 "Doctor, I--"

 Suddenly, a figure leapt out of the bushes. It was a grey-haired man in a studded leather jacket. His face was puckered, inhuman. Wil ducked out of the creature's way, rolling onto the floor and leaping up behind him. The creature grabbed the Doctor.

 "Wait!" shouted the Doctor. "Can't we talk about this? I mean, we haven't even been properly introduced."

 "And we won't," said the creature through a mouth full of teeth. "Someone wants to meet you."

 "I'm afraid his calendar's full," came a new voice. A blonde girl followed it.

 Wil recognised her from a couple of days ago. The lunch hall, and his new friend Willow. And Xander. And the girl was-- Buffy.

 Buffy stalked out of the bushes and towards the creature. Wil saw Willow and Xander behind her.

 The creature threw the Doctor aside and started walking towards Buffy. When they were feet away Buffy snapped her right arm up. A piece of wood shot out of her sleeve and she stabbed it into the creature's chest. "Old magicians trick."

 "I'm familiar with it," said the creature. Then he pulled the wooden dagger out of his chest and smiled a wide smile, revealing large, pointed teeth.

 This seemed to both surprise and perturb Buffy. She frowned very anxiously, then ducked as the creature lashed out at her.

 "I expect you're wondering how I did that," said the creature. He caught her across the back of the head incredibly hard and she fell. "Wasn't supposed to, was I? I'm afraid I'm a bit new to all this. You're the first Slayer I've ever met. And I'm the last vampire you'll ever meet, girl."

 Buffy was on the floor, the creature towering over her. The Doctor barrelled into the creature from behind. Buffy stuck her feet out and tripped both of them over. They landed heavily, the Doctor rolling to the side and out of harm's way.

 "You don't know how much I wish I could believe that," Buffy said, diving to her feet and looking round anxiously.

 "Ah. You can always rely on the school caretaker." She dug her foot into something in the bushes, kicked it into her hands. It was a pole with a short blade on the end. Wil recognised it as some primitive gardening tool.

 She swung the tool round in her hands, turned to face the vampire who was on his knees trying to stand, and slashed him across the throat. His head lolled back and then came off completely with a second slash from Buffy. It dropped onto the floor and exploded in a small cloud of dust. The body crumpled after it.

 Wil suddenly realised he had been standing by, frozen to the spot, while all that had been going on. He guessed the same went for Willow and Xander.

 The Doctor was on his feet, storming towards Buffy.

 "Thank you. But that was totally unnecessary!" he shouted. He wasn't angry, more upset and distressed. Disappointed almost.

 "What?!" Buffy shouted back.

 "You didn't need to kill him."

 "What do you mean? He was going to kill you."

 "Actually, I rather gather he wasn't."

 "What are you doing here, anyway?"

 "Minding my own business. You?"

 "Fighting the undead."

 "Is that full time or part time?"

 Wil retreated to the sides of Willow and Xander.

 "Hi."

 "Hi."

 "Hi."

 "Nice night for a walk."

 "Yeah."

 "MmmHmmm."

 "I have to say, I've never seen one of those creatures before."

 Xander looked at Wil, bemused. "That was a vampire."

 "Oh. Right. Are they a big problem for you?"

 "Vampire," said Willow. "You know, a monster."

 "Evil living dead creature thing," said Xander. "Vampire!"

 "Yes, I-- I'm afraid I grew up on a farm. Sheltered life, you know."

 "Sheltered? What did they do, keep you in a box?" Xander instantly regretted saying that.

 "Only at weekends," Wil grinned.

 "Come on," said Buffy. "We'd better go and talk to Giles about this."

 "Wait," said the Doctor. He was looking at the patch of ground where the vampire's head had hit. "I think I've found something."

 V Who Watches the Watcher?

 The mysterious woman turned to the Master.

 "I know I said I didn't want him killed, but your minion could have at least tried."

 "What can I say?" He looked at her. "We will get him. That girl is a Slayer, very powerful. If you were to provide me with some more of the level two subjects--"

 "They aren't ready yet. He was the first success. And I certainly don't want them falling into the Doctor's hands."

 "Good point. Of course, if the Doctor is true to form he will come looking for us."

 "True. You will be ready?"

 "Of course. In great numbers. Shouldn't you destroy the implant?"

 "Yes." She pressed a button on her bracelet. The image stayed on the screen. "It's not working." Then it was moving again as someone picked it up. The Doctor. "No. Damn. I can't seem to control it. It must have been damaged. Send someone to retrieve it."

 "Buzz!" The Master shouted into the darkness. A young vampire stepped into view. He had a vicious, pointed smile, red hair and traces of puppy fat.

 "Yes, Master?" He had an English accent.

 "You are familiar with the school?"

 "Yes."

 "Go to the library and retrieve or destroy that object. Try not to attract too much attention to yourself."

 "At once, Master." He disappeared into the shadows again.

 The Master turned to the woman again. "And what of the tertiary stage?"

 "I am almost finished. Your susceptibility to sunlight is a genetic defect, very difficult to correct. I will not be able to alter your structures to give you immunity, but I will be able to remove the flaw from the infection-- from your seed, I mean. I have prepared a list of suitable students from the school I wish to use. I will use my laboratory to-- 'sire' them, improving the process." She removed a typed piece of paper from inside her notebook.

 "Darla!" the Master called. "Find these people and bring them here. Take Timmins with you."

 Darla strode forward, smiling sweetly. "I won't be long."

 "What do you think about our new friend?" she asked.

 "I try not to think too much when the Master has one of his schemes going."

 "Schemes? Callow youth. The Master deals in prophesy and destiny, not schemes. Apart from now. This woman is dangerous. I'm not sure what she wants. And I don't like that."

 "Really?"

 "Yes. But do you know what my biggest fear is?"

 "No, but I'm sure you're going to tell me."

 "These new vampires. Vampires resistant to sunlight. Vampires who will be better than us. They're going to make us obsolete. We'll become second class citizens, left to feed on dregs in the night while they stalk the day time supping on the juiciest of humans."

 "That's not good," said Timmins.

 "No, it's not."

 "So, what are we going to do about it?"

 "Whatever we can." She looked at the typed list in her hand. "Right, you can take the first one: Fiona Abellard, 15 Green Acre Drive. I'll take," she looked at the second name, then her eyes were drawn down the list to a name she recognised. A name she had heard before, linked to a face she remembered well. "I'll have Willow."

 VI Baldie

 "Now. Who exactly are you?" The Doctor asked, not looking at Buffy but instead taking in the unmanned but very well lit library.

 "I'm Buffy, the Vampire Slayer, and you are?"

 "Buffy Summers?"

 "Wow, what a coincidence," said Xander.

 The Doctor ignored him: "Miss Summers, are you aware that you've now missed two of my lessons. It really isn't good enough. I've a good mind to take it up with the principal." He leant over towards his 'son'. "That wasn't too harsh, was it?" he whispered. He paused suddenly, and stared at Buffy. "Did you just say 'Vampire Slayer'?"

 "Yes. Here we go again," she turned to Willow and Xander, then back to Doctor Young and Wil. "Vampires are real."

 "I know."

 "What?"

 "I know."

 "OK. This world is older than you know. And for aeons, demons walked upon it. Or something."

 "Something is closer. The demons part is terrible complicated and not really very interesting. This planet is older than your people currently think. Well, parts of it, anyway. For instance, in a couple of years, scientists in Pennsylvania will present proof that life is over a billion years older than currently thought. Sorry, I'm getting side-tracked."

 "Did he just say, 'your people'?" Xander asked Willow. She nodded, biting her lip. "Where's Giles when you really need him? I thought he, like, lived here."

 "Giles who?"

 "*Mister* Giles," a voice rang out from the balcony, from behind a pile of books. Giles put the books down on a handy chair nearby, and looked at the Doctor. He squinted, then opened his eyes really wide. "Let me guess: Doctor Smith, I presume."

 "Doctor Young, actually. Smith is such a dull name. Do I know--?" The Doctor stared up at Giles. "Wait. Giles? Rupert Giles? Baldie?"

 Giles winced, and winced again at the three inquisitive stares from below him.

 Willow, Xander and Buffy exchanged looks. "Baldie?" they said in unison.

 "Archibald. One of my middle names. The local children shortened it to 'Baldie': a rather cruel nickname."

 "Only after you drank one of your father's Wasting potions and all of your hair fell out." The Doctor looked at Giles sternly, like he was admonishing an adolescent -- quite a feat from a metre below him. "And you were very lucky, young man. You could have been killed." The Doctor frowned, and then smiled. "Sorry. Momentary past-life regression. How are you, Rupert? I see your hair has grown back."

 "That's right, you haven't seen me since I was sixteen."

 "Sorry to break up this charming reunion,"Xander commented, "but you two know each other? Is this some British thing? Everyone knows everyone else there, right?"

 "It's not that small," said Giles.

 "Oh, well, I was just wondering, you know. I mean, I'm sure it couldn't be some vampire thing, because two of you would just be way too intense."

 "This man is known mostly as the Doctor," said Giles after a moment. "He's a hodomaniac." Blank looks from Buffy, Xander and the new boy. "A compulsive traveller. Cultivates an air of mystery."

 "Cultivates?" said the Doctor. "Besides, look who's talking."

 "The Doctor isn't one of our number. He's a scientist. A rather extremist, jealous, pompous and over-dressed scientist, from what I remember."

 "That was an off period for me. I try to forget it."

 "Funny thing was, before that, when I was ten and I first met you, you were going around as a scruffy little magician with a beard and a magic box. You had a completely different face and body to the one you had in the seventies, and the one you have now."

 "Now that's a period of my life I'd like to remember but can't. Not all of it, anyway. But I do remember when I first met you."

 "You wanted something from my father."

 "A statue, I think."

 "And then later, I once heard reports of you fighting vampires whilst running around with a highly impractical scarf and a robot dog."

 "Oh yes. How do you know about that?"

 "A book from the 1930s. Art nouveau illustrations: rather nice, actually."

 "Really? I don't suppose you could get me a copy of that."

 "You had yet another different face in those. Yet there was something... recognisable to you."

 "Well, you're a Watcher, aren't you? Uniquely observant."

 Giles made a noncommittal "mmmmmm" sound. "So, er... What are you doing in Sunnydale?"

 "I was about to ask you the same thing. I'm interested in your local dimensional gateway."

 "Our what?" said Xander.

 "I think he means the Hellmouth," said Giles.

 "Hellmouth? What a colourful name," said the Doctor, grinning at Wil.

 "And totally accurate, I assure you. It is also the centre of some massive vampire activity."

 "Really? How interesting. I wonder what's on the other side."

 "Hell. I should think that was clear from the name."

 "Yes, yes, yes, but which Hell?"

 "Does it matter?" Buffy interrupted the conversation. "As long as we send them back there."

 The Doctor faced her. "Aren't you a little young to be fighting vampires every night?" Then he looked accusingly at Giles.

 "Extra credit," said Buffy. "Besides, I'm just bursting with youthful energy."

 "Well, aren't we just the Britney Spears of monster fighting," said the Doctor sarcastically.

 "Britney who?" said Buffy.

 "Never mind. Pop culture references are a bit hit and miss for a Time Lord."

 "A what?"

 "Time Lord."

 Buffy looked at Giles.

 "New one on me," he said. "Some kind of psychic projection cult, I imagine."

 "Not exactly. I'm a time traveller. I travel in time. In a time machine."

 "Your own invention, or something you stole?"

 "A little of both, actually. It's terribly complicated."

 "So, when you said 'your people'," said Xander. "Is that because you're from the future?"

 "No, it's because I'm from another planet. A whole other species."

 "You're an alien?" asked Willow.

 "From your perspective."

 "Right," said Buffy. "And I'm on the honour roll."

 "Oh, yeah," said Xander. "Vampires, demons and giant insects, just what you'd expect. But aliens, I mean, come on. In an infinite universe, how likely is that?"

 "It certainly would explain a lot," said Giles.

 "Vampires!" said Buffy, slapping her forehead for effect.

 "Where?" said Wil.

 "No, no." She turned to Giles. "I got distracted. Giles, we encountered another vampire that wasn't affected by a cross. Only, it's worse. When I staked him, he didn't die. I had to behead him."

 "What?" Giles jaw fell lazily open. He ran down the stairs to join the others.

 "There's more," said the Doctor. He took the little square shiny thing out of his pocket. "We found this in the remains." He looked around and picked a pencil up off the desk and started lightly poking the thing. "Ah, this is much easier under the light."

 "What is it?" asked Wil.

 "Some sort of implant," offered Willow, hopefully.

 "Spot on. A computerised module. Interesting."

 "What?" said Giles, peeping over the Doctor's shoulder.

 "This is Gallifreyan craftsmanship. That's where I come from," he glanced up at the curious faces around him. Then he looked back down. "It looks like-- Wil, can you juggle with your eyes closed?"

 "Is the Pope gay?" Wil produced some balls from his pockets and juggled with them, closing his eyes once he hit his rhythm. Willow applauded.

 "Now," said the Doctor, and Wil opened his eyes but kept juggling. The Doctor poked the square thing with his pencil. "Do it again, Wil."

 Wil closed his eyes again. And immediately dropped the balls. He opened his eyes and looked down at his balls, embarrassed. "Erm, I don't know what happened."

 "I do. Despite what you might have heard," he glanced at Giles. "Fighting vampires, stakes and crosses and other ways of killing them apart from sunlight, are all a matter of faith. On both sides. Not necessarily spiritual faith, but faith that the tools will do the job -- it depends on the type of vampire, of course."

 "Of course," said Giles sceptically.

 "Placebo can have a very powerful effect."

 "Do you know what 'placebo' means in the Roman Catholic church?"

 "Yes, and while fascinating it's not very relevant. There are many different types of vampire, different races and related species. Each is susceptible to different things in different ways, although there are several common links between the most common creatures." He brushed some traces of ash from his sleeve, looked at the remains on the tip of his finger. He tasted it (everyone "eeewwwwweeeedddd" except Giles). "And I would say that this was one of three most common types on Earth, quite possibly one of the most susceptible." He indicated the implant. "This device works to suppress certain psychic activities. Combined with the trace chemicals I've found -- assuming they are what I think they are -- it could make the vampires very, very difficult to kill. Depending on how advanced the research is, how far whoever made this has gone in specialising it for these particular vampires and what other resources they have available-- well, I really shouldn't speculate."

 "Get on with it," said several voices in together.

 "Well, it could make the vampires invincible. Impossible to stop."

 "Invincible vampires? Science marches on," Giles commented drily. "The Master must be stopped before he can finish this. This is--"

 "Bad?" said Buffy.

 "Terrifying?" said Willow.

 "The end of the world?" said Xander.

 "Wait. Did you just say 'the Master'? The *Master*? *The* Master? Mercilessly evil, dresses all in black?"

 "According to some accounts," said Giles.

 "But doesn't the same go for most vampires?" said Willow.

 "It's an identity thing," said Xander. "Like jocks talking in words of one syllable."

 "Where is this Master?"

 "We're not sure. The vampires live in caves and tunnels under the town."

 "Tunnels?"

 "Electrical tunnels run under the whole town."

 "There's an easy access to them in the graveyard, and other ways in and out all over the place."

 The Doctor looked at them, exasperated: "Were your people trying to force the vampires to come here, or just giving them a helping hand while they got settled in?" He closed his eyes, opened them again and smiled. "Do you have a map?"

 "Of the service tunnels. Not the caves."

 "Good enough. I'm going to confront the Master. He's an old acquaintance. One of my people."

 "Are you sure?"

 "Fairly. Such egotism is pleasingly rare. I don't want any of you to follow me. Wil, stay here with these people. I'll be back later. I mean it: don't follow me."

 "Oh no, of course not, would we do that?"

 "Buffy--"

 "Look, it's my aren't-I-lucky destiny to fight vampires, you're going to vamp central, so I may as well tag along. Trust me. Two heads are better than one, after all."

 "Well-- alright. But just Buffy. The rest of you, stay here."

 VII Genesis

 Adam could feel something changing inside him. It had happened before. When he had become a vampire, his eyes had been opened to a whole new world. He had become a very special person.

 And now, he was being used as some sort of guinea pig. Being treated like he was less than even a host, than the meat upon which he and his kith fed.

 This new world was entirely dark. Not like the night, the good darkness, the darkness that was alive. He was submerged in a viscous liquid, shut away in a metal tank. Occasionally, the tank would be open. The woman who had had him put inside, by his old friends no less, took samples from the liquid, and from him. She prodded him, cut into him, poked a stake at his chest. He thought she was going to kill him, but she only put it in a little bit and then left it. He'd tried to take it out but he found he couldn't move his arms properly.

 The lid opened again, and the woman looked down at him. She pointed a box at him, then looked at the box and smiled. Then she reached out and pushed the stake right through him. He thrashed, tried to grab her arm, to do something. But he couldn't. So, he waited for death, for the final end. When it didn't come, he started to laugh, the viscous liquid bubbling in his mouth. The woman laughed, too.

 He couldn't hear her very well from under the water, but he could tell what she said:

 "I knew it wasn't a fluke. Now, only beheading and sunlight to test. And you'll be ready. The first of a new breed."

 Adam laughed again, heartily and with great pleasure. He understood now. He was being reborn as something even more special than before.

 VIII Graveyard Shift

 "Stay here," the Doctor and Buffy said simultaneously, then they looked at each other irritably.

 "I mean it this time. Thank you for coming this far, but it'll be very dangerous down there. You could go back and join Giles in the library. Or just wait for us. Don't follow," finished the Doctor.

 The other three started looking around.

 "Right," said Xander.

 "We'll stay out here," said Willow.

 "Where it's safe," said Wil. "In the middle of a graveyard."

 "In the middle of the night," said Willow.

 "In the middle of Creepydale," said Xander.

 "Hunting vampires," finished Wil.

 The three of them turned back round, but Buffy and the Doctor had gone by then.

 "That's right, go ahead," Xander called after them, into the tomb. "Confront death, save life, just as if we weren't around. We'll wait out here like idiots. We'll be a team: the team of idiots. The Sunnydale Clowns-in-Waiting."

 I'm a jester, not a clown: whole different craft. Neater costume, for a start."

 Buffy, what if you ever came across a vampire that didn't hunt and kill? A vampire who had suppressed his or her blood-lust?"

 "A vampire with a soul?"

 The Doctor grimaced. "There is a case for saying that vampires-- some vampires, anyway, don't have the choices humans have. They are animals."

 "Dangerous animals, yes? And I'm just putting them down."

 "They can't always choose whether they do or do not hunt. And in some cases, it is possible to provide them with that choice and see them become--" the Doctor paused.

 "Useful and upstanding members of the community?"

 "Alive again."

 "So, you believe we can reason with the nasty predators?"

 The Doctor looked at her, and Buffy thought he looked hurt.

 "What do you believe?" he asked.

 "Oh, OK, I'm ready for that one: Seize the moment."

 "Why?"

 "Well, because, life is short."

 "Not necessarily."

 "Right. If you count spending centuries as an energetic corpse as living."

 "I don't. Not necessarily, anyway. But not everyone centuries old is a vampire. Still, seize the moment. That's a good philosophy. We may have something in common after all."

 "Oh, really."

 Of course, as soon as they were in the caves, half a dozen vampires appeared behind them.

 Buffy took a couple of stakes out of her bag, throwing one to the Doctor. He let it fall to the ground.

 "We can't fight them, there are too many. And I suspect that if they wanted us dead they would have killed us by now."

 "So, what do we do?"

 "Well, I don't want to take any chances. When I say run--" Buffy grabbed the Doctor's sleeve and ran further into the caves, dragging him behind her.

 They both collapsed back against the door and got their breath. They were inside a large cavern. The cavern was peppered with benches covered in equipment, intricate tools and parts, bubbling chemicals and bits of computer. A laboratory. There was a large, blue pyramid with gold decoration in one corner and two rows of five great metal boxes like over-sized coffins in another.

 A woman was shining a lamp into one of the boxes. A middle-aged woman in a hyacinth-coloured skirt suit with a high collar. Buffy was sure she'd seen her before. There was a spatter of blood across the woman's left cuff. She was making notes in a red leather-bound notebook, nodding and looking annoyed but not surprised.

 She glanced up as the Doctor and Buffy ran down a flight of stairs into the lab, and she pressed some buttons on the box. It closed with a heavy, throbbing mechanical sound. She walked over briskly, smiling thinly.

 "Well, Doctor, it didn't take you very long to find me. As resourceful as ever. But are you as tiresome, I wonder."

 IX Blood and the Rani

 "You! It is you, isn't it?"

 "Of course."

 "You've regenerated again."

 "So have you. Are you still travelling with that maddening archaeologist? Or is this the latest one?" She pointed at Buffy.

 "Not at the moment, and no."

 "Aren't you going to introduce us?" said Buffy.

 "Buffy, this is the Rani. We're from the same planet. She likes to think of herself as a scientist."

 "I am a scientist," she wasn't riled, more irritated by the Doctor's stupidity. She stayed still as she talked, ignoring Buffy and looking straight into the Doctor's eyes.

 "You're a heartless megalomaniac. I'd tell you these caves are dangerous, but they seem like just your sort of place. Why haven't the vampires turned you?"

 "No games, this time, Doctor? No pleasantries or tricks?"

 The Doctor shook his head.

 "I have introduced certain-- elements into my blood." She smiled. "Sufficient to put them off. And I'd like to think I was able to illustrate how short-sighted it would be for them to make me one of the victims."

 "I doubt it," said the Doctor.

 "I could give some of my serum to you. Or to your friend. Allow you to leave these tunnels safely." She grinned thinly. "I don't think I will, though.

 "Fascinating creatures, these Vampire-descendants. The least efficient parasites in the universe, and yet their machinations for power and destruction are somehow so--" she paused and smiled. "Amusing. Power- and blood-hungry leeches. Rather less subtle than the average politician. Their connection to the previous universe should be a towering strength, but they are crippled by myth and superstition. They believe their own press. It's a wonder that we ever beat the original vampires, but these wretches are pathetic."

 "So, you need them for some reason."

 "I--" the Rani gritted her teeth. "They are of use to me."

 "Essential to your plans, I imagine. What exactly are your plans?"

 "It would take me far too long to explain and I doubt you could keep up."

 "But why here? The dimensional flexion?"

 "Of course. Well, any dimensional instability would have done. Since we are supposed to be immortal enemies of the Great Vampire and all his progeny, I had to find a nest vampires far enough removed from his stock. The last terran vampires with a pure enough strain running through what laughable passes for their veins, seem to have died out completely in 1993."

 "I know," said the Doctor.

 "Yes, you were there, no doubt. There is a rather interesting and long-overdue singularity on this landmass' East Coast, and a successful nest of vampires in the same place. Sadly, the vampires seem to have been destroyed in the relative recent past and the singularity won't open until the relative near future. The Master -- no relation, I gather -- is now the oldest surviving vampire on this planet. As far as I can tell, anyway. And while I was initially worried that that may count against my work, it seems that he has successfully perverted the nature of vampiric tradition -- or follows a very distinctive tradition that someone else invented."

 "So, they know all about you?"

 "Yes."

 The Doctor looked into her eyes.

 "You're lying," he said. "No matter how sure you were, you wouldn't take the risk of telling them you're a Time Lord."

 "I--" the Rani was cut off as the door to the lab shot open. Vampires poured in.

 "Run!" Buffy and the Doctor shouted at each other. They hot footed it to the end of the lab, but found their wasn't another exit.

 "Quick, in here," the Doctor pulled Buffy towards the pyramid, disappearing around the side.

 "Yes, I know. So, there should be plenty of places to hide. If we refrain from dawdling."

 "But it's bigger. This isn't a trick, right?"

 "That's right. It isn't. This is a TARDIS. It's dimensionally transcendental."

 "We're in another dimension."

 "No. Well, yes, I suppose. Sort of. From your perspective, anyway. Down here looks good," he pointed at a large door marked DANGER.

 "That's the best we can do?"

 "Probably the safest."

 "I see. So, this is some sort of backwards dimension, right? Here, 'danger' means 'absolutely and positively the safest place in the world'?"

 "If you like."

 "Great."

 They walked through the door and found a swimming pool on the other side. The door closed behind them. When Buffy tried the handle, it wouldn't budge.

 "Doctor, I think we're stuck."

 "We should be safe for the moment. Unlike the Rani to have a swimming pool in her TARDIS, though."

 The water in the pool started to bubble.

 "Oh dear."

 With a great roaring noise, the water splashed out of the pool and a gaggle of writhing tentacles appeared. They whipped the air, pointing at the Doctor and Buffy.

 "This really doesn't look good."

 Fast as anything you'd care to mention, the tentacles grabbed the Doctor. Buffy started tugging at them.

 "Try cutting them," said the Doctor. Buffy searched her pockets for a knife. She found one and slashed at one of the tentacles. Another tentacle lashed at her arm, stinging her.

 "Ow!" she dropped the knife.

 In the pool, behind the tentacles, appeared a large, circular mouth with several rows of soft-looking teeth. Behind this, a tubular green body thrashed in the pool. The thing was making a dull, droning sound. The creature started dragging the Doctor towards its mouth.

 "What is it?!" Buffy shouted over the droning of the creature and the crashing of the waves.

 "It's a Hydra!"

 "What, like the Greek monster thingie?"

 "No, as in a single genus of a freshwater polyps belonging to the phylum Coelenterata, class Hydrozoa."

 Buffy raised an eyebrow. "Is there going to be a test on this?"

 "If we survive. It's one of the Rani's 'pets', no doubt. Mutated." They were moments away from the Hydra's mouth.

 "But you've had wide and varied experience with these things, right?"

 "Yes, but they're usually under an inch long."

 "Life's full of small challenges."

 The Hydra swallowed the Doctor, and Buffy dived in after him.

 To be Continued--