Former Sixth Grade Goes on the Starship Enterprise (NCC-1701-D) Everyone was enjoying a game of "tinfoil ball" (everyone being the former sixth grade class of Westwood Elementary School) when they heard a strange noise. "Gee, I wonder what that funny twinkly noise is," said Mike Dahlheimer, who was actually supposed to be in detention that day. Then they noticed two unfamiliar figures walking towards them. "Oh no, it's murderers coming to cut off our heads and eat our brains!" Jill screamed. Then, as they got closer, they saw that it was actually Will Riker and Data from the Beverly Crusher Show. Jess held back a scream and Missy calmed her down, being the absolutely sane person that she was. "We are going to study 20th century life on Earth. We have selected you out of billions of people to be specimens," Will Riker told them. "We're going to transport you up to our ship and study your behavioral habits." "Gee, do you know Mr. Scotty?" Chris wondered. Someone hit him on the head. "Mr. Montgomery Scott died several years ago," Data explained. "Oh Nooooo!!!!!!!" Chris cried. Everyone told Chris to shut up, and they were transported up to the ship. Jess, who was about to go mental, surprisingly calmed herself down when they were aboard the ship. Waiting for them in the transporter room were Captain Picard, Counselor Troi, and Dr. Crusher. They couldn't talk because they were too dumbfounded, except Mikel, who had a spaz because he saw that Jill still had the tinfoil ball. He tackled her, and a security team had to be called to the transporter room because the Captain thought that Mikel was trying to kill Jill for some reason. Everyone tried to suppress their laughter as Lt. Worf dragged Mikel somewhere. They all shook hands with the captain, Counselor Troi, and Dr. Crusher, and when Jess shook Beverly's hand, pretty much everyone expected her to have a spaz, but she didn't. She just squeezed Missy's arm a little too hard. "Ouch, geez Jess, let go of my arm before you cut off the blood supply to my hand," Missy said. She slapped Jessi's shoulder and Jess hit her back. After their itty-bitty dispute, they were given a tour. First, they went to sickbay, then they went to the holodecks, and then the bridge, where a strange idea popped into Abby's head (a little too strange for Abby, in everyone's opinion.) "Let's party!" she yelled. And then she danced around the bridge. Everyone stared at the mental Abby, as she continued to do a strange little dance, then she fell down. She must have hit her head, because she was definitely unconscious. Beverly Crusher took her to sickbay, and they were given communicators, and sent to quarters. Jill, Missy, and Jess were in one room. They all debated what had happened to their friend. "Maybe she went mental like we did!" Jill suggested. Missy shrugged. "I think she's possessed," she told her friends. Jess sighed, and sat down. "I think Missy's obsessed with being possessed," she decided. Just as Missy started to protest, she continued on. "I mean, I have proof, when I was at her house one day, she kept talking about being possessed. Plus, she is writing about being possessed right now!" she finished. Missy sat down on the couch and muttered something about Jess needing to get a life, and Jess took it rather personally. "Shut up, Missy!" she shouted. Jill was getting bored, so she decided to leave. She went to Ten-Forward lounge where she saw something that shocked her. "Scott, what the heck are you doing here?!" she asked. Yep, it was Scott, sitting at a table talking to Counselor Troi. Scott turned around when he heard Jill's voice. "Oh, hi Jill," He said. "I was just talking to Counselor Troi." Jill made a face. "I see that, but why are you here? You weren't beamed aboard with the rest of us," she replied. Scott shrugged. "Well, I was playing 4-square with my other friends, when I was beamed aboard. they said something about doing tests on my brain, because it seems abnormal," he told her. Jill looked at Deanna. "Abnormal? Gee, I guess I was right," Jill joked. Troi shook her head. "I'm afraid it's no laughing matter. It seems Scott has a Q- tip stuck in his brain," she explained. Jill bust out in a fit of giggles. "How the heck could there be a Q-tip stuck in his brain?" she questioned. Scott sighed. "I was trying to see if I could touch my brain with a Q-tip, but I guess, well, I stuck it in too far." By this time, Jill was laughing so hard, she had to leave. When she stopped laughing, she went back to the room, where Jess and Missy had finally stopped fighting. They all decided to go to sickbay to check up on Abby. When they got there, Dr. Crusher was running a test on Abby. Missy asked her about what had happened to their friend. "Well, I scanned her for anything unusual, but I couldn't find anything wrong, except her blood pressure seems a little high. I think she just got a little too excited," Beverly replied. Abby's eyes suddenly opened up. "You eggplant brain, how dare you eat my eggplants!!!" she shrieked. Dr. Crusher looked confused. Missy told Abby to shut up, and then she gave Beverly and explanation. "She's obsessed with eggplants." Jill agreed, as did Jess. Abby continued to murmur something about eggplants, and then she demanded that Missy release the eggplant hostages. "What?" Missy said. Dr. Crusher gave Abra a tranquilizer that made her fall back into a deep sleep. * * * Meanwhile, Mikel was in a cell, guarded by a burly guy. He grumbled something about Tinfoil Ball and sighed. Oh, who cares about Mikel? Back to the real story. Jess, Missy, and Jill were slightly worried about Abby. Sure, she was obsessed with eggplants, but why was she acting so, well, strange now? She had never had a fit like the one she had in sickbay, and she was giving human life in the 20th century a bad name. They decided to get some sleep, because it had been a very exciting day. When the 3 girls woke up the next morning, they realized something rather important. "Um, I think we forgot to, like, pack. Cuz, like, we don't have any more clothes, and I refuse to wear the same clothes for 2 days," Missy told Jess and Jill. They thought about their options. They could either stay in their quarters all day, they could go out but still be in the same clothes, or they could... "Look in the closet," Jill suggested. Missy went over and found that Jill was right, there were clothes in the closet. They were like Starfleet uniforms, but they were plain black. "Oh, good, black makes you look thinner!" Missy said happily. Jill gave Missy a disgusted stare. "Missy, you're obsessed with being thin!" she accused. Missy ignored her and complained about how fat she was. Jess was getting impatient. "Just shut up and get dressed!" she yelled. Missy put her hands on her hips. "Well reeeeeer!!!" she shouted back. When they were done arguing, they got dressed. Missy complained again. "My hair looks awful!" "Shut up, Missy!" Jess and Jill exclaimed. Missy threw a fit and started to make up one of her weird stories on the spot. "As the sun shone in the glossy maroon sky, a sheep snorted and I melted into a puddle of Velveeta cheese!" she said in a strange voice. Jill screeched and Jessi moaned. Missy continued on. "The koala bear said to his ears, look at that laddie, a dandelion mocks me, I WILL NOT BE MOCKED!!" she rambled on. Then, when she finally decided to stop, they went to go check up on Eggplant Abby. Dr. Crusher was in her office, and noticed them, so she went out and asked if they wanted to see Abra. "Is she any better?" Jess wondered. The doctor shook her head. "Not really. But she did stop that thing about eggplant hostages," she replied. Missy rolled her eyes. They went over to where Abby was on a bed, fast asleep. Well, only temporarily. "So! You have come back, Mr. Eggplant man!" she shouted to nobody in particular. Dr. Crusher shook her head again. "She's been doing this all morning. She just keeps shouting things about eggplants, and then she just falls back asleep, sometimes in midsentence," she told the girls. Jill, Jess, and Missy sighed and continued to watch their friend scream. "You will never take the eggplants alive! I will win this battle, and I will be victorious! Ha ha ha ha..." then she fell back onto the bed. Beverly shrugged and told them that there was only one thing she could think of. "What?" Jill asked. "Her obsession with eggplants has become so severe that she has acquired a very rare disease called Produce-itis, a disease in which the victim is obsessed with fresh produce at first, then he or she has spells in which they wake up from a deep sleep, then scream about their certain food, and then, they will die," Dr. Crusher told them. "Is there any cure?" Jill wondered. Beverly nodded. "Yes, but it is very risky, and if it does not work right, she could die," the doctor said. Missy started to fake cry. "Oh no! Why not Mikel, or Rossi, or something?!!" she screamed. Jill told Missy to shut up and asked what the cure was. "Well, first we need..." she filled them in on what they needed to do. "I hope it works," Jess murmured. Mike D. made a face. "I don't," he snorted. Everyone told him to shut up as Dr. Crusher opened Abby's mouth and lifted the glass full of the medicine to it. "What does that have in it?" David F. whispered to Missy. Missy shrugged. "Well, some stuff, I guess," she replied softly. David rolled his eyes. "No, duh!" he exclaimed. "SHHHHHHH!!!!" everyone scolded. David glared at Missy. Missy smiled sweetly back, you know, that really annoyingly sickly sweet smile. "Okay, that should do it," Beverly told them, "she should be fine, except for a few side-effects." "Like what?" Missy wondered. Beverly started to count off on her fingers. "Well, she'll be pretty weak, she'll feel nauseated for a few days, and she can't eat or drink for an hour, no dancing, surfing, skateboarding, gymnastics, or Circle Ball," she said. Abby woke up. "Hi guys, oh gee, I think I'm going to throw up," she moaned. Everyone cheered, not because she was on the verge of throwing up, but because she was okay. "Oh thanks, some friends you are, I feel like Soggy looks, and you are HAPPY???!!!" Abby shrieked. Everyone nodded. "You will make a full recovery," Dr. Crusher told her. Abby looked exasperated. "From what?" she asked. "You had Produce-itis, a very rare disease, you were very lucky to have survived," Dr. Crusher said. Abby nodded. "Oh, that's nice." she said simply. Everyone looked at each other. Nice? Abby wasn't acting like herself. "Abby, want some eggplant juice?" Jess asked. Abby made a face. "Yuck, why would I want that?" she wondered. It seemed as if Abby had lost her obsession with eggplants. Coincidentally though, Missy was wearing her "eggplant" necklace that day. When Abby saw it she closed her eyes for a minute, and when she opened them she was back to normal, sort of. "Hey, Missy's wearing her eggplant necklace!" she said gleefully. She hopped off the biobed and asked for a glass of eggplant juice. "Dr. Crusher, she's obsessed again," Chris whined. Jess glared at him. "Don't EVER let me catch you whining at her AGAIN!" she threatened. Dr. Crusher looked curiously at Jess. "Are you all right?" she questioned. Jess nodded. "Sorry, I just sometimes have these little nervous breakdowns," she explained. Dr. Crusher raised her eyebrows. Then she told Abby that she could go back to the room where her friends were, and that she should get some rest. You may think that everything was okay now, but let me tell you, Abby was the least of their worries. It didn't have anything to do with the kids, it had to do with the Enterprise. Something went wrong, and all of the ship's power went out. The lights didn't work, so no one could see a thing. The captain ordered that everyone stay where they were until the problem was resolved. Jill, Missy, and Jess were in the Ten-Forward lounge, Abby was in their quarters, sleeping, and the boys (except Mikel) were in a holodeck where Robert made up a program that looked like they were in a pasture with a billion cows. Mikel was still in a cell, but he didn't realize that when the lights went out, the force field holding him in stopped. So he just sat there like a moron while he could have escaped. "Oh man, I can't see a thing!" Missy groaned. Jess seemed fine, until she remembered what happened in Missy's Star Trek: The Next Generation book. Well, maybe some of you haven't read it so I'll fill you in on what happened. Beverly Crusher and two other people were walking somewhere in the dark, when some person started to fire a phaser at them, and one person got hit. It was cool. "W-what if someone shoots a phaser at us, and it hits me, and I die?!!" Jess whimpered. "Jess, shut up!" Jill muttered. Jess looked to where she thought Missy was. "Well, it is a possibility!" she said. Missy shrugged, even though nobody saw it. Then, there was a burst of fiery red light ahead of them. "Someone's shooting a phaser at us!!!" Jess screamed. Everyone fell to the ground. "AAAAA I've been hit!" Missy cried. "Ouch, all right, whoever did that had better come out and apologize before I..." Missy's cry was interrupted by another blast of light. Luckily, no one got hit, and the jerk who fired the phaser left. Jill tapped her communicator. "Medical team to Ten-Forward lounge, someone's been hit with a phaser!" she yelled. Within minutes, Dr. Crusher was there, along with a medical team. By this time, Missy was more concerned with who did it than how much it hurt. "Whoever did this is gonna get it big time, I bet it was Mikel, or maybe some other person who hates me, oh, why me? Why me?!" she said in her best Nancy Kerrigan impression. Beverly Crusher was sick of Missy screaming so she gave her a tranquilizer. "And furthermore..." Missy started, then the tranquilizer kicked in. The doctor inspected the burn and frowned. "Hmm, setting 5, that's pretty high," she said. She took Missy to sickbay where Missy woke up and promptly started shouting again. "Why me? Why me? Why anybody? Why not that Tonya Harding or something? WHY??!!" Beverly was starting to get irritated by Missy's ridiculous screaming, so she finally told her to shut up. "Sorry, but I'm a very emotional person," Missy apologized. Then, the power came back on. "Oh good, I can see!" Missy sighed with relief. Then, she remembered her injury. "AARRRGGG! Yow, that hurts!" she screamed. She had been hit on the shoulder, and since there wasn't any vital organs there, Dr. Crusher was sure that she would be okay. "Hi, Missy!" someone called out. It was Jill, and with her was Jess. Missy smiled weakly. "Hi, I'm in pain," she managed to say. Jill kept grinning. "Yeah, and I'm not!" she said smugly. Missy stuck her tongue out at her. "Oh, shut up," she muttered. Jess told Jill to knock it off, being the nice person she was. Jill made a face at Jess. "Jill, grow up," Missy said. Jill stopped her face-making and started pouting. "I am grown up, remember? I'm sooooo mature, I'm soooooo mature!" she sung out. Missy and Jess both hit Jill. "Jill, if you don't shut up, I'll start to make up another weird story," Missy warned. Jill promptly stopped. Missy was still concerned about one thing. "Who fired that phaser at me?" she asked Dr. Crusher. The doctor shrugged. "I wish I knew. Whoever shot you may want to kill someone," she said. Really? (Duh). When Beverly said Missy could go back to her quarters, she also reminded them that it would be a lot safer if they all stayed there, that way, the jerk who tried to kill Missy couldn't get them. "Well, I agree with Dr. Crusher, we would be a lot safer in our quarters," Missy said. Her friends agreed with her. "Of course, I'd agree with anything that Dr. Crusher says," Jess sighed. Jill and Missy looked at Jess. "What?" Jess wondered when she noticed the looks on her friends' faces. "Never mind," Jill replied. Missy rolled her eyes. Jess shrugged. When they got to their quarters, Abby was still asleep, so Jill decided to wake her up. She leaned over Abby's face and did something that really woke Abby up. "Hey Abby, WAKE UP! The eggplants are taking over the ship!!" she screamed. Abby immediately woke up and looked around the room for the eggplants, but then she realized that Jill was just kidding. "Jill!" she exclaimed madly. Missy, Jess, and Jill started to laugh really hard ass Abby got out of bed, went over to the food replicator, and got 3 eggplants, then she threw them at Jill. "Ouch! Abby, you creep, you messed up my hair!" Jill yelled angrily. By this time, Missy was laughing so hard that she was crying. Then, the door mechanism beeped. "C-come in!" Missy said between tears. It was Counselor Troi and Captain Picard. Missy still had tears streaming down her face and everyone probably thought she was sad, either that or nuts. "Is something wrong?" the counselor wondered. Missy couldn't answer, she was still giggling like crazy. Jess answered for her. "She's fine, just a little crazy," she told the two curious onlookers. Missy stopped laughing and wiped her face. "I was just, *giggle* laughing at Abby," she said. Abby grunted something about Missy, something mean, and Missy started to make up another weird story to punish her. "So I walked over to him, I grabbed him by his big fat head and told him to go sit in a pile of macaroni and tulips! Then he took my beehive and told me to never leave home without a green balloon!" she said with her "crazy" look. "Missy, knock it off, you're scaring us!" Jill told Missy. Missy continued as if she hadn't heard. "And so you see, Javert, I always loved Pit-Bulls! And you know what the saddest part of all is? I never learned to read, WAAAAA!" Picard and Troi looked at each other, then at the slightly mad Missy. After about a minute or so of crying, she quietly announced that she was done, and she hoped Abby had learned her lesson. "Oh, hi Captain Picard," Missy smiled. The captain sort of half-smiled back. He was most likely still confused about Missy's behavior. "Don't mind her, Captain, she does that to annoy us, and it works," Jess said. "Someday I'm hoping to publish some of my stories," Missy told everyone. "Okay, whatever," Jill said. Then everyone sort of snapped back to reality. "Can we do something for you?" Missy asked the captain and Counselor Troi. "Oh, yes, we are almost done with our research, but you will need to stay on until your friend Scott has the Q-tip removed from his brain, because we need to return you all at once," Captain Picard told them. Jill understood, since she had known about that incident, but her other friends didn't. "He has a Q-tip stuck in his brain? How?" Jess wondered. Jill started to laugh all over again. "He was trying to see if he could touch his brain," she replied between giggles. "Wait a sec, Scott didn't beam aboard with the rest of us!" Missy pointed out. "Well, they brought him aboard to see if they could get the Q-tip out," Jill said. "Where is he now?" Abby asked. "He is in sickbay. Hopefully Dr. Crusher will be able to get that Q-tip out before it seriously affects him," Counselor Troi replied. "That wouldn't be so bad," Jill joked. Missy agreed with that. "In fact, it would probably be an improvement," she added. "Well, you can go see Scott if you want to, and by the way, we found the person who shot the phaser," the captain told them. Missy was eager to find out. "Who? When I see them, I'm going to..." "Missy!" that was Abby. "What? I was in the middle of saying something!" that was Missy. "I know, but you might have said something you would have regretted in the future," Abby told her. "Like, when?" Missy questioned. Abby made a smart comeback, very smart. "Like when our parents read this!" she replied. Missy sighed, then she gasped. "Hey! Our parents! Aren't they worried about us?" Missy wondered. "Yeah! We've been here fore almost three days! By now I've missed at least two episodes of the Animaniacs!" Jess exclaimed. Missy shook her head. "So, who shot the phaser at me?" she asked again. The captain seemed to hesitate for a minute. "A boy who somehow got beamed aboard the ship while we were beaming Scott up. Perhaps you know him, his name is Robert McIntyre," he said. "Uck, Bobby McIntyre, that jerk!" Missy exclaimed. The girls groaned. "Of all people, why Bobby?" Jill wondered. Missy nodded. "Yeah, why not some cute guy that has tons of money and lives in a New York City penthouse and loves Broadway?" she sighed. Jill snorted. "Why would he have to live in New York City and have lots of money?" Abby asked Missy. "Because that way, we could go see all of those cool Broadway shows like Les Miserables and Phantom of the Opera!" Missy replied. "Uh, can we get back to Bobby now?" Jess interrupted. Missy scowled. "No, I'm not done yet! We'll also go see Cats, and Beauty and the Beast, and Tommy!" Missy kept going on and on until everyone just told her to shut up. "Reeeer!" she yelled back. Jess shoved her. Missy hit Jessi's shoulder. They had a little fight, but stopped when the subject of Bobby was brought up again. "We have him in custody, and you should contact the police and tell them that he tried to kill you when you are beamed back down," Deanna Troi said. "Okay, but when they say how he tried to kill us, won't that seem odd? See, we don't have phasers in the 20th century," Missy pointed out. "Yeah, and if we go tell the cops that we were attacked by phasers, for one thing they won't believe us, and second, they'll put us in the looney bin!" Jill added to Missy's comment. "And if we go there, I won't be able to watch TV! AAAAAAAA!" screamed Jess. Abby was the only relatively calm person there. "Well, we could just kill Bobby," she suggested. Everyone turned toward her. Was this the same Abra Brisbin that they had beamed aboard with? "NOOOO! I AM TORTON, THE EVIL COW GOD, I HAVE COME TO KILL YOU ALL!!!" she yelled when someone asked another person that question. "Uh oh, she's been hanging around Robert too long," Missy sighed. "I guess," Jess followed. Missy started to laugh again. Abby got even madder. "You dare laugh at me? Torton , the evil cow..." she started again. "Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay Torton. Chill out," Jess said. Abby (Torton) laughed wickedly, then fell down on the ground. "Cool," Missy said. Abby woke up then and seemed normal, which was good, since they had enough problems already. Like Scott. They went to sickbay and saw him on a biobed. He saw them and waved. "Hey, this is really weird. Scott is always in our stories for no good reason. He just sort of plays the idiot," Missy told her friends. "That's because he is an idiot, and idiots usually make the story funnier," Jill replied. "Oh, well, that makes sense," Missy nodded. They went over to Scott and said hi, then Dr. Crusher came over and said that she was ready to get the Q-tip out of his head. "Oh good, it was starting to affect my hearing," Scott said. "Well, don't die Scott. Bye," Missy told him. He looked at her. "Huh?" he said as if he hadn't heard. Jill rolled her eyes. "Never mind," she half-yelled so he would hear. They all were slightly worried that the operation wouldn't work, but they weren't too worried because Dr. Crusher was the most awesomest doctor in the history of the universe. "Hey, if Scott dies, can we divide up all his money?" Missy wondered. "That's a good idea!" Jill exclaimed. "But he won't die, because Beverly Crusher is operating on him, and Beverly Crusher rules," Jess said. After about 5 minutes of waiting, they were getting bored, so they decided to go to a holodeck and make up a program. "How about Barney?" Jill suggested. Jess had a better idea. "Let's shoot Barney!" she yelled. Everyone loved that idea, so they went to the only unoccupied holodeck. "Um, computer, show me a big, dumb, purple and green dinosaur," Jess said. Then a funky looking brachiosaurus appeared in front of them. "Aaaa, not that kind! Computer, make that a 6 foot tall fuzzy tyrannosaurus." That one looked more like Barney, except for the fact that it was still carnivorous. It tried to eat Jill, but luckily they stopped it in time. "Computer, make it an herbivore!" Missy shouted. Well, there was their Barney, now all they needed was something to shoot at him. "Computer, make us 4 semi-automatic guns, hee hee hee," Jessi exclaimed. The guns appeared. They were happy. "But we need a background! Computer, make the background look like a 20th century amusement park," Jess said. The amusement park scene appeared. "Hey, this looks like Six Flags!" Missy shouted. "So what? We're here to kill Barney, remember?" Jill reminded them. So they took their guns and blew Barney to bitty pieces of fuzz. "That was cool!" Jill exclaimed happily. They all did a little victory dance, and then in walked Wesley Crusher. He looked kind of perplexed. "Um, hi," Missy said. Jess was still doing the dance, and hadn't noticed him until she turned around. "Uh, I, umm well..." she sputtered. Missy elbowed her. "Oh, don't mind me, I'm just here to see that the holodeck is functioning normally," Wesley explained. Then he saw the program, and what was left of Barney. "What kind of program is this?" he wondered. They all looked sheepishly at each other, except Jess. "We just blew a stupid dinosaur to bits!" Jess yelled. Wesley looked at them as if they were crazy. "Oh, we aren't mental or anything, well, except Jess," Missy kidded. Jess looked offended. "Shut up, Missy!" she took out her gun and pointed it at Missy. "Jess, remember, you can't hurt me," Missy reminded her. Jess shot the gun anyway. Missy pretended to die. "Well, it was, uh, nice meeting you. Kind of," Wesley said under his breath. "Well, wait! Computer, end program," Jess said. "Can we help with anything?" Wesley shook hi head. "No, thanks," he told them. Jess kept following him. He turned around. "Can I help you?" he questioned. Jess smiled. "Yes! Um, I was wondering, could you please take us with you? Please? We have been cooped up for nearly four days! Uh, where are you going?" "I was going to my quarters, because my shift is done, but I would be happy to take you," he replied. Jess seemed happy, so her friends followed. "So, why are you here?" Wesley asked. "Well, we're from the 20th century Earth, and they want to examine our behavior for some reason," Jess answered. "Oh, how do you like the ship?" Wesley wondered. "It's awesome!" Missy exclaimed. The other girls agreed. Then they got to his quarters. "Uh, come in," he said. Jess smiled at him. When she wasn't looking, he rolled his eyes. "My mom told me about you, and how one of your schoolmates tried to kill you," Wesley told them. "Yeah, Bobby, the Green Bay Backstabber. He's a major jerk," Missy grunted. "The Green Bay what?" Wesley wondered. Jill explained. "That's our nickname for him, because he used to live in Green Bay, and he stabbed a kid with a pocketknife once." "He's a real creep," Missy started. "He once threatened to beat me up. Yeah, what would he do, sit on me?" she joked. "Bobby is slightly overweight," Jill explained. Jess looked at her. "Slightly? He's fatter than Barney!" she exclaimed. Missy had to agree with that. "Yeah, he's even fatter than me, and that's really fat!" she exclaimed. "Missy, shut up!!" her friends yelled. This time Abby gave the explanation. "Missy's obsessed with being thin," she told the waaaay confused Wesley. "I am not!" Missy shouted in protest. "You are too!" Jill yelled back. Everyone except Wesley started to fight. Missy threatened everyone with another weird story, but Jill told her if she did, she would do the "crazy" routine, and Jess said if everyone didn't shut up, she would continuously sing the Animaniacs theme song, which shut everyone up. Abby had a good threat, but it was too late, everyone was already quiet from hearing each other's threats. "All right, now, for one thing, Missy, you aren't fat..." Wesley began. "Am too!" she interrupted. He sighed. "Are not! Second, you guys shouldn't fight, you're friends!" he finished. Missy started to grumble something about joining Weight Watchers, Jill turned away from the weight-obsessed Missy in disgust, Abby ignored everyone and just sat and thought about getting some new friends, and Jess just continued to smile at Wesley. "Okay, listen, how about if we all go to Ten-Forward, and talk, okay?" Wesley suggested. "Sure Wesley, whatever you say!" Jess murmured. Jill and Missy snorted, Abby ignored them all, thinking about her newest obsession with avocados. "Hey, Jill, I'm not obsessed with eggplants anymore!" Abby yelled. "Oh good, it was starting to bug me," Jill said. Abby's smile grew bigger. "Now, I'm obsessed with avocados!" she informed everyone. Missy moaned. "Oh great, now she'll keep asking for guacamole dip, and I can't stand it. Besides having a rotten smell, it's very fattening," she complained. "Oh, Missy, cool it," Jess scolded. They found a turbolift and Wesley instructed it to go to deck 10, Forward Lounge. "Well, how long are you going to be here?" Wesley asked. "Well, the captain said that their research on us is done, but they still need to get the Q-tip out of Scott's head," Missy replied. "The...Q-tip?" Wesley shook his head. Jess nodded. "Yeah, he stuck a Q-tip in his ear to see if he could touch his brain with it, but obviously he doesn't have one, but anyway, your mom is operating on him right now," she told him. Then, the turbolift door opened. "Well, here we are. What would you like?" Wesley asked. Missy looked confused. "Well, what do people drink in the future?" she asked him. He pointed to Guinan. "Ask her, she'll tell you," he told them. So they all went over to the bar and Wesley introduced them to Guinan. "So, what would you like?" she asked after they all knew each other. "Well, what is there?" Jill asked. Guinan shrugged. "Anything you want," she replied. Abby was the first to order, although her's didn't make too much sense. "I'll have a glass of Avocado juice with a slice of eggplant on the side," she told Guinan, who looked at her strangely. "Hey! I thought you weren't obsessed with eggplants anymore, Abby!" Jill pointed out. "I still like them! You can like something and not be obsessed with it, can't you?" Abby replied. "Not Jess, she's obsessed with everything," Missy snickered. Jess made a face. "I'll have a root beer float. That is, if they still have that," Missy decided. Guinan smiled. "Sure," she said. Everyone else ordered and they found a table and sat down. "So, let's talk," Wesley said. Missy put on another one of her weirdo impressions of things. "Cwoffee Twalk with Linda Richman!" she said in her impression of the character from Saturday Night Live (a Jewish woman, if you haven't figured that out already.) "Missy, no!" Jill exclaimed. Surprisingly enough, Missy stopped. "Why, do you want to hear another impression? I didn't inhale!" she started up again, this time choosing Bill Clinton as the victim. "AAAAA!" Jill yelled, along with her other friends. Missy pretended to look hurt. "Gee, I always though you *sniff* liked my impressions," she said. Jess rolled her eyes. "Uh, hey, this is boring, do you want to go to the holodeck again?" Wesley wondered. "Sure!" Abby, Missy, and Jill exclaimed. Jess just sort of sighed. "Sure, Wesley, what did you have in mind?" she half murmured and half sighed. "Well, we could..." "Blow a stupid dinosaur to bits!!!" Jess suggested, rather loudly. Everyone turned to their table. Missy put her hand over Jessi's mouth. "Sorry, folks, this is Jess, she just escaped from a mental hospital and she's obsessed with blowing things to bits," Missy apologized. "Um, let's get going," Wesley said. Jess had a goofy look on her face. "Sure Wesley, whatever you say," she sighed. Wesley was starting to get annoyed by Jess's sort of disagreeable agreeing. "Will you go look for the paper I left in main engineering, Jess?" Wesley asked. "Sure Wesley, whatever you say," she repeated. As she left, Wesley sighed with relief. "Thank goodness we got rid of her," Wesley told them. Apparently, Wesley just wanted to get rid of Jess. "Hey, how about if we go borrow a shuttle and go somewhere!" Jill suggested. "Good idea!" Missy agreed. But Wesley didn't thing so. "No, we can't," he told them. Missy started to protest. "Why not? I'll start to make up another story if you don't take us!" she whined. "Okay, okay! Whatever, just no more stories!" Wesley said reluctantly. So they got a shuttle, and left for Romulan territory. "We can't go to Romulan territory, you morons! They'll kill us!" Wesley exclaimed. "Cool!" Missy and Jill yelled. Abby had an idea, not too smart, but an idea none the less. "We can bombard their ships with eggplants and avocados!" she said stupidly. Missy slapped her on the head. "Abby, shut up!" Jill exclaimed, rather irked by Abby's obsessions. "Hey, look, a Romulan ship! It's going to blow us up!" Missy screamed. Wesley frowned. "Told you so. Now we're going to die," he yelled. Missy put on a sad face. "Sorry," she apologized, almost sarcastically. Abby had yet another stupid idea. "We can use the eggplants to breathe!" she said. Missy hit her again. "I think someone's hailing us," Jill told Wesley. Wesley stopped his argument with Abby over her eggplant idea and opened the hailing frequencies. It was a Romulan. "We are going to take you prisoner," the Romulan said. Missy frowned. "Oh great, now I won't be able to catch Seinfeld, and it's on tonight. Who's great idea was it to go into Romulan space anyway?" she wondered. "It's Wesley's fault!" Jill accused. "It is not! You were the ones who wanted to come here!" he reminded them. "Well, you agreed to take us here!" Abby told him. "Well, it was either than, or one of Missy's stories, and I'd rather be a prisoner on a Romulan ship than hear another story," he said. "You've got a point," Abby said. "Yeah, on the top of your head! It doesn't really matter who got us here, but we're here. We need to concentrate on how we are going to escape," Jill said. The Romulans pulled the shuttle up with the tractor beam. "Hey, our ship's moving!" Scott observed. "Why are you here? you always seem to sneak in where you aren't wanted," Jill said. "Yeah, that's mainly why I'm in these stories. You know, to annoy everyone and cause trouble," Scott grinned. "Who cares why he's here? We are being held prisoner by Romulans!" shrieked Missy. Wesley nodded. "Missy's right, who cares why he's here. We have bigger problems to face now," he said. "Oh, so now I'm not important anymore. Gee, thanks guys," Scott scowled, obviously unhappy that he was not the main priority anymore. "Shut up Scott! You never were that important!" Jill told him. Scott looked stunned. Soon, they were in the Romulan ship and two Romulan guards took them to a prison cell. "Watch the hair! I just fixed it!" Missy exclaimed as a guard threw her in the cell. The guard didn't reply. "Now what?" Abby sighed. Jill shook her head. "Things couldn't possibly get worse, so they have to get better. Come on, look on the bright side of things!" Scott said cheerfully. "Scott, keep you stupid optimistic ideas to yourself. Things CAN get worse, and they won't get better for a very long time!" Missy shouted. "Okay, that's enough, let's not fight, we're all in this together. If one dies, we all die!" Scott said. "Except me," Missy muttered. She looked around the cell. Jill was banging her head against the wall, Abby was moaning something about the eggplants and avocados coming to the rescue, Wesley was staring at the wall, Scott was annoyingly happy, and singing "Don't Worry, Be Happy," and she (Missy) was depressed. "What time is it?" she asked. Jill looked at her watch. "Well, it looks like it's about nine thirty p.m." she replied. Missy groaned. "Oh, man, I missed Seinfeld and Frasier!" she complained. Wesley looked at her as if she were crazy. "You think you have problems? If we ever get back to the Enterprise, which I doubt we will, I will be kicked out of Starfleet, will probably never be on another starship again, and the worst part is, I'll probably end up being a janitor at the Academy," he told them. "That's so sad, I think I'm going to cry," sobbed Missy. Wesley rolled his eyes. Scott, who had just finished another verse of "Tomorrow," looked at the very depressed Wesley. "Oh, come on! Cheer up Wesley! Hey, I've got a song that will cheer everybody up!" he said, and then started singing "Found a Peanut." "AAAAAA!" screamed everybody. * * * Jess, meanwhile, was getting worried. The ship's computer had told her that none of her friends, or Wesley, were on the ship. "Where could they be?" she wondered out loud. "Who?" someone said behind her. It was Dr. Crusher and Captain Picard. "My friends, and Wesley, they were all here in the Forward Lounge a couple of minutes ago, and now the computer says they aren't even on the ship!" Jess replied. The two older people looked at each other. "What are you talking about? They have to be here!" Beverly said, obviously worried. "Well, they aren't," Jess frowned. "They ditched me, the jerks," she finished. "Someone working in the shuttle bay noticed that one of the shuttles was missing, maybe that could explain it," the captain told them. Jess pouted. "No fair! They do all the fun stuff, and leave us behind, jerks," she said crossly. "Riker to Captain Picard," the captain's communicator said. "Go ahead, Number One," he replied. Riker's voice sounded troubled. "Sir, Ensign Crusher, and 4 of the kids we're studying, have been captured by the Romulans," he informed Captain Picard. "The captain of that ship would like to have a word with you," he finished. "I'm on my way," the captain said, "Picard out." Jess looked slightly relieved. "Thank God I didn't go with them," she said. Beverly wasn't as happy as Jess. Jess followed them to the bridge and saw a Romulan on the viewscreen. He looked impatient. "Captain Picard, I am holding 5 of your people hostage," he told him. "You will surrender your ship, or they will all die." Jess started to whimper. "You big dumb butthead!" she yelled, which was a pretty dumb thing to do, since the Romulan didn't look so forgiving. When she realized her mistake, she quickly apologized and shut up. The captain looked slightly mad at her. "Counselor, would you please escort Miss Silver to her quarters," he instructed. "Of course, captain," she replied. Jess reluctantly followed her. As they approached her quarters, the counselor asked if she wanted to talk. "Okay, come in," Jess said sadly. They went in and Jess flopped down on a chair. Counselor Troi sat across from her. Jess sighed. "Look, I'm a counselor, I'm here to help you. Now I'm sensing many things from you. You're sad, frightened, mad, and you look awfully tired. I suggest you get some sleep, and I'm sure the captain will find a way to get your friends back," Troi told her. "Okay," Jess sighed. But she was still worried. * * * "Hey, anyone want to hear a great knock-knock joke?" "NO!" "Okay, fine. Hey, how about another song? Don't worry, be happy, come on, sing along!" Scott was still trying to cheer up the unhappy hostages. "Scott, for the last time, SHUT UP!" Missy screamed. She closed her eyes. "When I open my eyes, I will be back on Earth, safe and sound, watching Seinfeld," she murmured to herself. She opened them and saw that she was still in the prison cell, along with 3 gloomy people, and one numskull who thought he was cheering everyone up. "Hey, does anyone have an avocado?" Abby asked. Jill started to shout that if Abby didn't stop her stupid avocado/eggplant talk that she would kill her. Yeah, and after you kill her, I will!" Missy chimed in, not really thinking. "What?" Wesley wondered. "Nothing. Missy is just going a little crazy," Jill replied. Scott kept smiling and told everyone not to worry, because even if they did die, they would all be together in heaven. "Oh great, so now I have to spend yet another eternity with this geek?" Missy moaned. "Oh, please don't let it be true," Jill added. Abby said that she wasn't going to heaven, she would come back to Earth as an avocado. "Abby, shut up before I have to kill you!" Wesley finally shouted. "And that's an order!" he finished. "Thank you!" everyone except Abby sighed. Abby sat in the corner and didn't say anything for a while, which was good. "I miss Seinfeld, I miss Frasier, I'm probably missing Letterman, I'm in a Romulan prison cell with 2 perfectly sane people, a dork who is way too optimistic, and a nutcase who is obsessed with two of the most disgusting foods in the world. Things cannot get worse," Missy decided. "I'm one of the sane people, right?" Jill asked. Missy glared at her. "No, Jill, you are the one who's obsessed with eggplants and avocados," she replied sarcastically. "No, that's me!" Abby shouted. "Shut up, Abby, it's called sarcasm, duh!" she said. Abby pouted briefly. "Guys, I hate to tell you this, but we will probably die, so I wouldn't be so mad at each other," Wesley told them. Everyone sat in silence for a minute, then Scott piped up again. "You know, I bet everyone here could use a good joke, how about this one? Who's smartest? A dumb blonde, the Easter Bunny, Santa, or a smart blonde?" "Obviously a smart blonde," Wesley replied. Scott shook his head. "No, a dumb blonde, because there's no such thing as the Easter Bunny, Santa, or a smart blonde! Ha ha ha!" Scott laughed hysterically as if he'd just said the funniest thing in the world. "But that's not true, see, there are many smart blondes on the Enterprise, many of which graduated from Starfleet Academy with high honors, therefore, there is such a thing as a smart blonde," Wesley told him. Scott looked mad. "You just threw away a good joke," he said. Wesley shrugged. "Well, I've heard enough jokes anyway. Say, is there any food around here? Hey! Do you people hear me? I'm hungry!" Missy yelled. "Missy, be quiet!" Wesley exclaimed. Missy frowned. "But I'm starving! And I could really go for some Taco Bell," she moaned. "Well, I don't think they are going to give us anything, much less tacos," Jill told her. Missy groaned. "You know, we could always eat Scott, if we get desperate," Wesley said. "No way am I eating a person, yuck. Besides, if we did get desperate, ummm, we could..." Missy started. "We could eat the eggplants and avocados I smuggled aboard!" Abby interrupted. "You've got food?!" Jill yelled. Abby took an eggplant and an avocado out of her pocket (don't ask me how she fit them in there). "Of course! I always carry an eggplant and an avocado with me, wherever I go!" she grinned. "Wait, avocados are fattening, are eggplants?" Missy wondered cautiously. "NO!!!" everyone shouted. Missy looked relieved. They divided up the little food they had and nearly gagged. "Abby, how can you like this crap?" Jill questioned. Abby shrugged. "Well, it's good!" she answered. Everyone made a face and continued to eat the disgusting food. "Well, that was a great dinner, huh?" Missy joked. Abby nodded. Everyone else shook their heads. The last of the food was gone. "You know what's really disgusting about avocados?" Missy asked. "They're fattening, we know, Missy," Wesley said. "No, they leave a really gross aftertaste in your mouth, uck," she told them. "A delicious aftertaste!" Abby argued. Missy stared at her as if she'd just told them that she was a Ferengi. "You are really weird Abby, I think I need some new friends," she shook her head. "That makes two of us," Wesley added. Jill looked madly at them. "Oh, so I guess I'm not a friend anymore, is that it?" she pretended to cry. "Oh, give it a break, Jill," Missy snorted. Then, the whole cell shook. "EEEEEK! What was that?!" Missy screamed. Scott shrugged. "Maybe it's the end of the world," he said. Missy started to sing "It's the End of the World As We Know It," and Wesley disagreed with Scott. "We're in space. Even if the world did blow up, we would be fine, remember?" he said. "Oh," Scott sighed. Then, it seemed as if someone was being transported right into their cell. It was Lt. Worf and Beverly Crusher. "Are you all right?" Worf asked them. They nodded. "We destroyed their shields, and beamed down here," she said. "Oh, so that's what made the ship shake," Missy nodded. Scott was right in the middle of saying how happy he was that they weren't going to die, when a bunch of Romulans burst into the cell and started to fire phasers at them. "Oh, not again!" Missy moaned. But she didn't get hit, Wesley did. "Enterprise, seven to beam up, energize!" Beverly yelled. Just in the nick of time, they were aboard the Enterprise again. Dr. Crusher took Wesley to sickbay immediately and the kids were taken to their quarters, where they captain told them that they had no authorization whatsoever to use a shuttlecraft, and he was very disappointed in them. "Sorry," they replied meekly. Then, as soon as he left, Jess threw a fit. "I hate you! First, Wesley tells me to go get something in engineering that wasn't even there, next, you guys go into Romulan territory without me, then you get held captive, and now poor Wesley in injured!" she exclaimed. "Oh, knock it off, Wesley is going to be fine, we hope, and we didn't even have that much fun!" Missy informed her. "Oh, yeah sure, I bet you all had a party with he Romulans and just left me behind so you could rub it in my face when you got back!" Jess exclaimed. "Jess, why would we party with the Romulans? They're enemies!" Jill reminded her. "Maybe you bribed them or something," Jess shot back. "We had nothing to bribe them with, though," Missy contradicted. "Except the eggplants and avocados!" Abby piped up. Everyone told her to shut up. "We have to go to sickbay!" Jess told them. Abby asked why. "Because I want to see if Wesley is okay," she said. Missy pretended to gag. But they went to sickbay anyway. Wesley appeared to be okay, just a little pale. "Hi Wesley!" Jess said. Wesley groaned. Jess ignored it and went over to him. "Are you going to die?" she asked. Wesley rolled his eyes. "No, I'm not going to die." Jess sighed with relief. Missy and Jill snorted. "Do you need mouth-to-mouth resuscitation?" Jess asked hopefully. "No!" Wesley shouted. Jess looked disappointed. Missy made a face at Jess. "So, my incompetent friends did this to you, huh?" Jess said, looking directly at her friends (ex?). "Actually, a Romulan did," Wesley replied. Jess sighed. "But the Romulan wouldn't have shot you if my dumb friends hadn't forced you to go into Romulan space!" she reminded him. "Shut up, Jess," Jill muttered. "They didn't force me, Missy just sort of blackmailed me," Wesley said. "Oh, so it was Missy's fault!" Jess glared at her. Missy put on an innocent act. "No, it was Jill's idea to go into Romulan space, I just wanted to go for a ride in the shuttle!" she told her innocently. "Oh, so now it's all my fault that Wesley's hurt!" Jill exclaimed. "Yes!!" everyone shouted. Jill started to cry. "Oh, goody, I like to make people cry, especially little kids. I just make that weird face and they start crying, it's really fun," Missy said happily, and made that infamous face again. "Cut it out, Missy, we aren't in the mood," Abby snapped. Missy pretended to look scared. "Ohh, I'm sooooo scared of you, Abby. After all, you might kill me with those Ninja eggplants," she said sarcastically. "Okay, enough fighting. Let's sing a happy song, shall we?" "AAAAA! Scott, get lost!" everyone yelled. Scott sadly turned and walked away. "Okay, I think I will, but it's kind of hard, you know? I mean, whenever you say 'where am I?' the stupid computer tells you," he sighed. "So don't say it, dummy," Missy remarked. Scott seemed to lighten up. "Hey, good idea, thanks!" Then he walked out of sickbay and got lost. "Moron," Missy muttered. Jess turned back to Wesley. "Can I do anything for you, Wesley?" she asked sweetly. Wesley nodded. "You can go get the paper I left in main engineering again," Wesley lied. "Sure Wesley, whatever you say," Jess sighed, forgetting what happened last time. "Pretty gullible, isn't she?" Wesley smirked. Dr. Crusher walked over. "How do you feel, Wes?" she asked. Wesley shrugged. "Pretty good, now that Jess is gone," he smiled. Little did he know, Jess had just remembered the last stunt they pulled on her and was back in sickbay to catch the comment. "Hey! I heard that!" she yelled. Wesley thought for a minute while Jess was shouting at him. "Say Jess, could you go to the Ten-Forward lounge and get the, um, report, I was supposed to give Commander LaForge please?" he lied again. "Why, sure Wesley, whatever you say," then she left. Missy started to laugh. "What?" Jess demanded. Missy shook her head. "Oh, nothing. You just get Wesley's report," she told her. Jess waved good-bye to Wesley and left. "What's wrong with Jess?" Wesley asked. "She likes you," Missy giggled. "I'm back! Here's the report!" Jess exclaimed. "Uh, let's see it," Wesley said, rather confused. "Okay Wesley, whatever you say," Jess said. "Let me see!" Abby demanded. "It says release the eggplant hostages or you will be destroyed! Oops, it looks like Wesley's typing. It says, "I think I like Jess, but she bugs me sometimes. Like when she says 'sure Wesley, whatever you say,' I-" . I won't read the rest of this," Abby said. Jess blushed. "That's some report!" Jill said. "What was that about Jess being gullible?" Missy teased. "How the h*** did that get there?!?" Wesley exclaimed. Jess just sort of stood there with her mouth agape. "Woo-hoo! Jessica! Are you going to--" "Don't even think about it, Lhotka! I'll pound you to a-- how did YOU get here?!" Jess exclaimed. "Woo-hoo! You and Wesley gettin' together! Hot stuff!!" Lhotka said very pervertedly. Jess ran over to him. "You wish you knew what went on between me and Wesley, you pervert! And how the heck did you get here, anyway?" "I grabbed onto your shuttle when you were going to Romulan space, duh!" Lhotka explained unconvincingly. "What? Do you really expect us to believe that?" Wesley said. "That's humanly impossible!" "Uh, well, hmm... I said the magic words and *poof* I was here!" Lhotka lied. "Yeah, right. You probably snuck in when everyone else was being transported, you moron. You, like, suck, and stuff... hey, I think I'm picking up on your slang," Wesley said. Just then, out of nowhere, another familiar face appeared through the automatic doors. Horror of horrors, it was Dr. Pulaski! "Children! Sickbay is no place to be screwing around!" she growled. "Oh, yeah? Maybe it's too late to keep us from screwing around! Maybe we're already screwing around!" Wesley said sarcastically. Jess sighed. "Wesley dear, watch your double-meanings," she said, blushing heavily. Just then, Beverly Crusher walked into the room carrying a phaser set to level 29, and pointed right at Dr. Pulaski. "I'm tired of your stupidity, Pulaski!" she screeched. Then she shot Dr. Pulaski. Everyone thought it was really funny. Jess did her silly victory dance again. Then Beverly joined in. Then everyone joined in! It was a jamboree! They all gathered around the corpse of Dr. Pulaski, and started to spit on her, except Abby, who stuffed an eggplant up her nose. "Hey, watch this!" shouted Missy, and she jumped on Dr. Pulaski's head, and the eggplant shot out of her nose. Everyone started to laugh, then took their turn at it. "This is better than eggplants, well, almost," Abby shouted. "It's better!" Jill argued. Then, they heard a scream. It was Jason. "AAAAA!!! It's the evil avocados and the almighty eggplants!!" Everyone turned towards him. "What the heck are you talking about, Jason? That's Abby's line!" Jill exclaimed. Jason had a crazy expression on his face. "Must get back to 20th century... before almighty eggplants... take over... I... I..." then he collapsed on the floor. "Uh oh, I guess this means the party's over," Missy said sadly. The disappointment was too much for Jess, and she fainted. "Oh no, Jess!" Wesley cried. He rushed over to her side. "She needs to be resuscitated," Dr. Crusher said. "I'll resuscitate her," Wesley said heroically. "Go right ahead," everyone said. So he 'resuscitated' her, and she was speechless. * * * "And so we part. Thank you," Captain said, finishing his speech and appearing quite relieved. Then, Wesley ran into the transporter room. "Jess, you can't leave me!" he shouted. He jumped onto the transporter just as the captain said 'energize.' They found themselves back on the field at school. "Wesley, you made it!" Jess exclaimed. She hugged him. They lived happily ever after, at least until part 2...