The Love Doctor

I. Beauty from afar

	The bell rattled, signaling the end of fourth hour.  Students streamed from the 
classrooms and formed large groups in front of the lockers, clogging the hallway like so 
much plaque in the circulatory system of Spring Lake Park high school.  Geoff Johnson 
left Mr. Hilst's calculus class and had to negotiate his way through the human obstacle 
course just to get to his locker on the other end.  
	By the time he got there he was already running late.  He tugged at the handle on 
his locker but couldn't manage to get it open, but suddenly it didn't seem to matter.  
Across the hallway, putting her books away, was the most beautiful girl in Geoff's entire 
universe.
	She had long flowing brown hair and the prettiest brown eyes, plus an impeccable 
fashion sense.  She was way out of Geoff's league, but he loved her anyway.  She turned 
to his direction, and Geoff was so surprised that he jerked the handle on his locker open, 
and all his papers and books spilled out onto the floor. This included his Star Trek fan 
club membership certificate.  To his horror, Melinda saw the whole thing happen. Even 
more to his horror, she rushed over to help him.
	"Here, let me get these," she offered, reaching for the pieces of loose-leaf paper 
strewn over their half of the hallway.
	Geoff tried to speak up, but all that seemed to come out were airy squeaks.  His 
face turned an unflattering shade of pink and he tried to turn away before he managed to 
make a bigger ass of himself.
	While "not looking," Geoff managed to reach for his Chemistry book at the same 
time as Melinda.  Their hands brushed each other, and he sighed involuntarily; sweet 
bliss.  Melinda rolled her eyes and finished getting the last of the papers together, 
stopping to eye the Star Trek fan club certificate before piling it with the rest of the junk.
	"Th-thank you," Geoff managed faintly as Melinda handed him the last of his 
books and papers.
	"No problem.  Next time just pay more attention," she replied, before rushing off 
to class.
	Beating himself up inside for being such a wimp and not making coherent 
conversation, Geoff gathered the books he needed and dashed towards the band room, 
hoping to get there before the bell rang.

II. Solo Serenade

	He crashed through the band room doors just as the bell was ringing, giving him 
just enough time to open his band locker and put his trombone together.  Luckily Mr. 
Schleicher wasn't on time for class (and that his band locker wasn't as stubborn as his 
other locker).  Geoff was in his seat and ready for the D-flat concert warm-up.  Laura, the 
student director, counted off the beats, and the class began the warm-up.
	As Geoff was playing, he involuntarily began to think of Melinda.  The kindness 
she had shown him, even though he was just a gawky teenage dork and obviously not 
worth her time.  It made his heart thump with joy, that she could be so wonderful.  He 
poured all of his heart and soul into playing the D-flat concert warm-up, and he could 
hear the angels of heaven themselves singing backup...
	"Mr. Johnson, we're enjoying your solo, but contest isn't for another month, so 
maybe you could save it," Mr. Schleicher said.  Geoff found that he had been lost in his 
music for quite a while.  Long enough for the class to have finished warming up and for 
the teacher to come in and hear him.  He began to feel ill.
	The rest of the class giggled, even Melinda, who had swung around to stare at him 
from the clarinet section.
	"Oh my God, now she really thinks I'm a dork," Geoff muttered as his face 
burned anew with embarrassment.  He sank down as far as he could into his seat and 
waited for the liberation of lunchtime.

III. The Cruel Hand of Fate Steps in (and She Stirs up the Pot)

	After passing through the lunch line, Geoff took his usual seat at the table with 
Marni, Brian and Greg.  Whatever solace he was seeking, however, was nowhere to be 
found among his friends.
	"So, what was with the free performance today, Geoff?" Marni teased.
	"Yeah, I bet that'll get you a perfect 40 for sure," Greg added.
	Geoff was not in the mood.  "Shut-up, guys," he said through gritted teeth.  He 
twirled his fork upsettedly in his blob of cold mashed potatoes.  He couldn't get it off his 
mind how stupid he must have seemed to Melinda.  It was physically painful to think 
about.  At least it was Friday; he could spend the weekend at home recuperating.
	"Hey, Jessi is supposed to come visit after school today," Greg said, changing the 
subject.
	"Oh cool, we should all go to a movie or something tonight," Brian suggested.
	"Let's wait for her in the band room after school," Marni said.
	"Oh brother," Geoff said with an air of distaste.
	"What's that about?" Greg asked, somewhat defensively.
	"Gee, she's only about the most annoying, meddlesome girl that ever existed, 
that's what.  She'll take one look at me and try to squeeze out my life story before I even 
know what's going on," Geoff replied.
	Marni stayed calm.  "Geoff, you're over-reacting.  With the mood you've been in 
lately, it might actually be good for you to hang around Jessi, just to lighten up a little."
	"Well, whatever, she'd better mind her own business, or I'm holding you guys 
responsible."
	The bell ending lunch period rang, and everyone went back to classes.  Geoff 
decided to give Jessi a chance, though he had the strange feeling that he was going to 
regret it.

	The couches in the band room were packed full of students at three that 
afternoon, and the buzz of multiple conversations was enlivening.  Marni, Greg, Brian 
and Geoff had luckily arrived early, and had all managed to cram themselves onto the 
brown couch together.  
	At about a quarter after the hour, the band room door opened and in walked Jessi, 
carrying a load of schoolbooks and a wide smile on her face.  Geoff shot Marni a warning 
look, but she just smiled as if to tell him to settle down.
	"Hey guys!" Jessi said.  Marni and Greg rushed over for hugs and nearly tackled 
her.  "Hey, wait until I put my stuff down."  She tossed her books into the corner, totally 
disregarding the fact that other people were storing their stuff there too.
	They sat there and talked for a while, and eventually the subject turned to Geoff's 
"outburst" in band class earlier. 
	"Gee, I didn't know you could be so shameless, Geoff," Jessi teased.
	Geoff made a disgusted face.  "I've had a lot on my mind lately," he said angrily.  
	At that moment, the band room door swung open and Melinda sauntered in.  She 
smiled sympathetically at Geoff, but shot a somewhat cold look in Jess' direction.  Jess 
was seemingly oblivious, and just smiled back.  Melinda walked over to Marni's side.
	"Hey Marni, want to practice our duet tomorrow during study hall?" she asked.
	"Yeah, sure, since we like haven't even run through it yet," Marni replied, 
grinning guiltily.
	"Cool.  Oh, hi Geoff, good song today."  Melinda winked at him and then went 
down to the band room to pick up her clarinet.
	Geoff looked as though he wanted to melt right into the couch.  "Oh please, God, 
kill me now, end my suffering," he groaned.
	Jessi's eyes began to twinkle.  "Why Geoff, if I didn't know any better, I'd say 
that you had a thing for that girl."  She grinned and stared at him until he couldn't take it 
anymore.
	"All right, so maybe I sort-of might possibly like her.  It makes no difference, 
she's so cool and pretty, and I'm just a geek."
	"Oh, don't be like that, it could happen," Jess replied.  "I mean, look at me and 
Greg..."
	"Hey, that's cheap!" Greg huffed.
	"Seriously, though, I think you two should really hook up.  I mean, that would be 
so cute!" Jess said.
	Greg and Brian seemed a little wary, but Marni jumped right in.  "I know, we 
could help you win her over!" she exclaimed.
	"Yay, I love these kinds of projects," Jess said happily.
	Geoff and Greg looked at each other uneasily, but Jess and Marni were already 
hard at work, planning for a love connection.

	Melinda was sitting at a table at the SLP McDonald's all by herself, doing here 
homework and munching on some fries.  Jess casually walked into the restaurant and 
slipped into the seat across from her.  Melinda looked at Jess quizzically, and made no 
effort to hide her annoyance, but Jess merely flashed her a charming smile.
	"Yes?" Melinda asked.
	"I know someone who likes you!" Jess replied in a singsong voice.
	"Oh, you must mean Geoff, yeah, I know, he's so funny."  She rested her elbow 
on the table and began to doodle in her notebook.
	Jess was a bit flabbergasted at this admission.  "Wha-, you mean that you know 
already?"
	"Psh, yeah, I've been noticing for quite a while.  I'll catch him staring at me 
sometimes, just gazing with this goofy look on his face," she chuckled, but also sounded 
a bit depressed.
	"Well, then why haven't you said anything to him about it?"
	Melinda looked down to the table, seeming a bit sheepish.  "Well... I've never 
really had a boyfriend before, I don't exactly know what I'm supposed to do."
	Jess brightened up immediately.  "Well, why didn't you say so sooner?  I know I 
can help you with that.  Just call me the Love Doctor!"  She took Melinda's hand and 
practically dragged her out of the restaurant.

	The two walked all the way to Marni's house.  Melinda had protested somewhat 
at the outset, but Jess was on a mission and couldn't be deterred.  Once they were inside, 
they all gathered in Marni's room.
	"So, you're not sure about how to get the attention of a man?" Jess asked.  
Melinda seemed unsure, in fact, she acted a little insulted, but she had to admit that she 
needed some help, so she nodded.  "Well," Jess continued, "as you may know, I have had 
just oodles of success in this field of study, so I shall pass my extensive knowledge on to 
you."
	"Oh brother," Marni groaned.
	"Hey, you are in the presence of the bonafide Love Doctor here, you best be 
taking notes," Jess said arrogantly.
	Marni's jaw dropped.  "Hey, so maybe my relationships all last about a week... 
you don't have to be so mean about it," she protested.
	"Anyway," Melinda interrupted, "so just how am I supposed to make this work?" 
Melinda asked.
	"Well," Jess began, her smile widening, "Seeing as how so many men, of all ages, 
seem to want to go out with me, I have deduced that in order to attract Geoff... you 
should act just like me."
	Marni slapped her forehead.  Melinda also seemed skeptical.  "Yeah, are you sure 
you have your facts straight?"
	"Of course, I just have that special... something that guys are after," she said 
smugly.  "Don't worry about a thing, I'll make sure you're acting just like me in no 
time."
	Melinda and Marni looked very distressed.

	"I'm sure Jessi knows what she's doing," Brian said to Geoff in an attempt to ease 
his fears.
	"Heh, right, that girl is known for being crazy," Geoff replied, seeming a little 
nervous and out-of-sorts.
	"Yeah, she's pretty crazy," Greg agreed.
	"And does she know you talk about her like that behind her back?" Brian asked.
	"Yeah, of course.  She agrees with me."
	"My love life is doomed before it ever began," Geoff groaned.

IV.  Tutelage and Implementation

	"So first of all, you need to learn the basics of what it means to be Jessi," Jessi 
said, lapsing arrogantly into the third person while marching back and forth across 
Marni's room.  She began to rattle off a list of requirements while Melinda listened 
warily.  "First of all, you need to save all of your homework until the last possible 
minute.  In the meantime, you should do fun things like playing Final Fantasy 9 and 
instant messaging with your friends."
	"Riiight... I have seven classes and homework for each of them," Melinda 
protested.
	Jess had no sympathy.  "Then you'll just have to stay up until 3 in the morning 
every day.  It helps build character," she explained.  "You also have to watch 'Friends' 
during dinnertime, and get a job at Target with me."
	Melinda's eyes were wide.  "I... I don't think I can do all that!" she exclaimed.
	"Nonsense, that's only the first step.  In addition to those minor changes, you also 
need to learn how to burn CDs, laugh like a total dork, play the flute, and write really 
stupid, yet strangely entertaining, short stories."
	"And you think I have time for all this?  I have student government, math team, 
and contest and I'm barely keeping up with all those as it is!"  She was on the verge of 
angry tears.
	"Oh, believe me, if you want to win Geoff over, you'll make the time."  Jess said 
severely.
	"Jessi," Marni interjected tentatively, "um, I really don't think this is going to 
work at all," she said.
	"Sure it will," Jess replied lightheartedly, leaving her harsh mood behind 
suddenly.  "The only thing Melinda has to do is clear the first hurdle."
	"You don't mean..."
	"Oh yes, Melinda has to develop a dirty mind."

	A week passed, and although she wasn't keen on Jessi's methods, Melinda 
dutifully obeyed her instruction.  She spent plenty of time reading up on dirty jokes, 
taking flute lessons, and trying her hand at Final Fantasy 9 (which she found quite 
difficult).  After many hours of trying, Melinda finally felt she was ready to show Geoff 
her new style, and to tell him how she really felt about him.
	She woke up that Monday morning and took a hot shower using cucumber melon 
body wash and Herbal Essences shampoo and conditioner.  As she let her hair dry a little, 
she had a breakfast of orange juice and off-brand Cap'n Crunch cereal before retreating 
to her room to catch a re-run of "Little House on the Prairie."
	When she got dressed, she slapped on a novelty Care Bear T-shirt and a pair of 
boot-cut jeans, along with a multicolored pair of toe socks.  She went to the bathroom to 
put on her makeup, and then realized that she had gotten rid of it all.  With a half an hour 
of extra time on her hands, Melinda decided to play a little Final Fantasy 9.  Maybe this 
time she wouldn't be killed by the first enemy.
	When it was time for her to leave for school, she grabbed her car keys, but then 
remembered a bit of advice that Jessi had said to her:

"Men feel protective of a girl who can't drive.  It makes 
them feel important and strong.  I don't have my license yet, 
and it hasn't hindered me in the slightest."

	"I guess it will be the bus for me today," Melinda sighed.  She put on a pullover 
Columbia jacket and a worn pair of Nike shoes before running out to the bus stop just in 
time to make the bus driver wait for her.
	It was eerie arriving at the high school and having no one recognize her.  In fact, 
people seemed to spend a lot of time staring and even more time whispering to each 
other.  Melinda tried to ignore the reactions, and set her sights on surviving until band 
class.
	As she walked into the band room that afternoon, Melinda was practically 
inundated with comments from her band mates.
	"Wow, did you get a haircut?" Jenny asked.
	Melinda began to chuckle quite loudly and obnoxiously, just as Jessi had shown 
her.  "No, not quite."
	Greg and Geoff walked into the band room carrying their instruments, and both of 
their jaws dropped.
	"Oh my God... what happened to you?" Geoff exclaimed in near horror.
	"Wow, you look good!" Greg said, having quite a different reaction.
	"Uh, thanks, I guess," Melinda replied.  She reached into her book bag for her 
clarinet, but instead found the flute that had replaced it.  "Sorry guys," she said to Jenny 
and Marni, "but it looks like I'm sitting on the other side of the room today."
	"But, wha, huh?" Geoff stuttered.  What had happened to his dream girl?
	"Wow, she's hot..." Greg muttered.
	Marni slapped him on the arm.  "Greg!  You have a girlfriend!"  She scolded.
	"Oh, yeah, you're right," he replied unconvincingly.  He meandered over to the 
flute section and began to strike up a conversation with Melinda.
	Geoff took a seat and began to sulk, and Marni sat down next to him.
	"What happened?" Geoff said dazedly.
	"Well, it was kind of Jessi's idea," Marni admitted.  "I think her ego got a little 
out of control this time."
	"Out of control?  This time?  This is terrible!  I mean, I know Greg likes her and 
everything, but I don't have a crush on her or this 'clone' she's manufactured."
	Marni was feeling so bad that she was on the verge of crying.  She reached her 
arms around Geoff and held him sympathetically.  He hugged her back, and came to the 
realization that it was a pretty good feeling.  In fact, it was so nice that he didn't want to 
let go... until Marni forced his arms off.
	"Riiight, I'm gonna go practice now," she said uncomfortably, shooting Geoff a 
suspicious look.  Of course Geoff didn't notice; he was love struck once again.


V.  The Tables Turn

	Marni cornered Brian at lunch.
	"The weirdest thing just happened to me," she whispered fiercely, trying to 
remain discreet.
	"Ah, like what?" he asked, vainly trying to sidestep Marni so he could sit down 
and eat.
	"This is serious!" she insisted, her eyes widening.  "I think Geoff was hitting on 
me!"
	Brian couldn't help but laugh.  "Ha ha, riiight.  After all that trouble he's dealt 
with for Melinda, I think it's just wishful thinking on your part."
	"Fine, let's just see what happens once we sit down," Marni suggested.  Brian 
rolled his eyes as he carried his food to the table.  Before Marni could sit down, however, 
Geoff got up from his seat and pulled her chair out for her. 
	"Madame," he said gallantly, gesturing to her seat.  Marni reluctantly sat down 
and shot Brian a look.
	"See?" she mouthed.
	"Hmm," Brian thought to himself.  This was strange.  The situation got even 
stranger when Greg arrived in the lunchroom.  He was following directly behind 
Melinda, everywhere she turned, like a lost puppy, and she was more than a little 
frustrated.  They weaved towards the table, and Melinda threw her book bag down in 
disgust.
	"I spent the entire hour trying to get a sound out of that damn flute!" she said 
angrily.
	Greg put his arm around her shoulder.  "It's okay, I'm here for you," he said.
	Melinda became even more irate.  "Ugh, get off me you weirdo!" she cried.  
"This whole 'Jessi' thing isn't working out at all."
	Greg didn't seem to notice her distress.  "But Jessi..."
	At that moment, Melinda was struck by a bolt of ingenuity.  If Jessi thinks she can 
screw with my love life, then maybe I should return the favor, especially since Greg 
seems to be a little confused about my identity, she thought to herself.  In order to keep 
up appearances, she stormed away from the table, leaving her food to get cold.  Greg 
followed closely behind her of course.  
	Once she believed she was out of sight, Melinda sat down at an empty table and 
offered Greg the seat next to her.  He was more than happy to take it.  She then turned on 
the charm, running her hand through his hair and basically turning him into a willing 
servant boy.
	Marni, who had witnessed the whole thing from her seat, decided that a certain 
someone needed to hear about all this, and she needed to hear about it right away.

VI.  The Plan

MJpigtails signed on at 07:43:35 pm
SLP Picc Girl: yo yo
MJpigtails: hey
SLP Picc Girl: how's the big hook-up going?
MJpigtails: ...
SLP Picc Girl: Huh?
MJpigtails: Awful
SLP Picc Girl: yeah, right, you're funny
MJpigtails: do you want to hear about it?
SLP Picc Girl: Of course!
MJpigtails: Well, Melinda did such a good impersonation of you that Greg is following 
her around like a lost puppy.  Then, Geoff became so disgusted with her that he started to 
hit on me instead.
SLP Picc Girl: ???
MJpigtails: it's true
SLP Picc Girl: holy crap, what am I gonna do/
SLP Picc Girl: ?
MJpigtails: you'd better get Geoff and Melinda to like each other again before this drives 
me insane
SLP Picc Girl: riiight, except that it looks like my methods are a complete failure
MJpigtails: well, I have an idea
SLP Picc Girl: kewl, what is it?
MJpigtails: Come over to my house and we can talk about it
SLP Picc Girl: but I was about to play some Final Fantasy 9!
MJpigtails: then you should like my plan a whole lot =)
SLP Picc Girl: ???
MJpigtails: Just come over!
SLP Picc Girl: okay, okay, I'll be over in a few minutes
MJpigtails: bye bye
SLP Picc Girl: bye
MJpigtails signed off at 07:53:19 pm

	Melinda sat on the corner of her bed studying one of Greg's old yearbook 
pictures.  "Hmm, he might make an okay boyfriend," she thought.  "I'm sure I'll make 
him much happier than that goofy Jessi ever could."
	She was startled by the ring of the telephone.  When she answered, Marni 
jabbered off something about a "plan" and Melinda's interest was piqued.
	"Hmm, tomorrow may be even better than I had hoped," she said to Greg's 
picture.  She clutched the yearbook to her chest and dropped off to sleep with sweet 
visions of revenge dancing in her head  

	That very next day, two Jessis entered Spring Lake Park high school.  They were 
identically dressed, had their hair done the same way, and even smelled the same due to 
their use of cucumber melon body splash.  As they walked in step with each other, 
students gathered on either side to stare and make comments.  They entered the band 
room, where Marni, Brian, Geoff, and Greg were waiting.
	Greg could barely contain himself.  "Oh my dear lordy!  Two Jessis?  Which one 
is the real one?" he exclaimed.
	On cue, Marni recited a pre-prepared statement.  "Who is the real Jessi you ask?" 
she said, gesturing towards Jessi and Melinda, the Jessi impersonator.  "Well, my dear 
Greg, that is what we intend to discover.  We will be staging a competition consisting of 
Jessi's favorite activities, and whoever succeeds at them most will henceforth be deemed 
the real Jessi!  The loser will be forever disgraced and will never again be a Jessi-
impersonator."
	"Sounds good to me!"  the two "Jessis" said in unison.
	"Gee Marni, that was an awesome speech," Geoff said.  He reached to give her a 
congratulatory hug.  She smiled, but dodged his arms, politely but firmly declining.
	"So when does this all start?  I don't know how much longer I can handle all 
these Jessis," Greg said.
	"We'll meet in the red gym after school's over," Brian said.
	Jessi leaned over to Melinda.  "Hey, sorry about all this, I owe you big time," she 
whispered.
	Melinda smiled to herself.  Yes, and you're about to pay up...

VII.  The Competition

	By 3:00, everyone who was interested had assembled themselves in the red gym 
(the girls basketball team had been informed that they were to practice in the blue gym 
this particular afternoon).  Marni established a position in front of the group, and started 
to speak.
	"Thank you all for coming," she began.  "Today's competition will consist of 6 
activities that Brian and I have decided are 'Jessi-like.'  The winner of each activity will 
win a point.  The Jessi with the most points at the end will be henceforth considered the 
'real Jessi' and can never be dethroned of her position."
	Brian continued the explanation.  "In order to keep track of who is who, one of 
you will be 'Jessi number 1,'" he handed a sign to Jessi, "and 'Jessi number 2,'" he gave 
Melinda the other sign.  The signs were printed with a large "1" and "2" respectively.
	This is going to be such a piece of cake, Jess thought to herself.  She pictured 
herself , the winner, sitting on a throne surrounded by hundreds of worshippers chanting, 
"Jessi... Jessi..."
	"...Jessi number 1?  Hello?  We're about to start," Marni prodded.
	"Oh, right, sorry," Jessi giggled slightly.  Melinda rolled her eyes.
	"To begin the competition, the first contest will be name-calling," Brian said.  
"You two get to take turns calling each other names within a minute's time.  Whoever 
gets the most number of names out within the time limit gets the point for this round."
	Marni pulled a stopwatch from her pocket.  "Jessi number 1, you will begin on 
my count," she winked at Jessi.  "3, 2, 1, Begin!"
	Jessi wasted no time.  "Peon."
	"Numbnuts," Melinda countered.
	"Constipated cow."
	"Butthead."
	"Ass-hole head."
	"Meany."  This was getting personal.
	"Porn-queen."
	"Jerk."
	"Dick breath."
	"Ugly Jerk?"
	"Pileated Pecker Pants." Jessi grinned at her own creativity.
	"What?" 
	"15 seconds," Marni announced.
	"Oh, uh, nutcase."
	"Suck-butt."
	"Drug dealer."
	"Testicular hernia."  This elicited a chuckle from Geoff and Greg, who were 
sitting on the bleachers eating fresh popcorn, candy, and drinking jumbo-sized cups of 
pop.
	Melinda, on the other hand, was speechless, and couldn't conjure up another 
insult before Marni called time up.  
	Brian tallied the points in his notebook and smiled as he calculated the results.  
"The winner of this contest, with eight insults, is Jessi number 1!"
	Needless to say, Jessi was happy.  She did a little victory dance while the 
spectators stared and laughed.
	Let her have her fun, Melinda thought, I will win yet, and Greg will be mine, and 
she'll know how it feels to be made a fool of.  She watched as Jess shook her booty to 
some esoteric inner beat, and cringed.
	"Okay, next on the agenda, a test of musical ability," Marni said.
	"Each of you will have to play a flute song, and whoever the judge, that's me, 
finds most impressive, will get the point this time," Brian said.  
	"Jessi number 1, since you were the winner last time, you get to start," Marni 
said.
	Jessi's mouth turned up into a cocky smile.  She knew she was the flute master.  
Since she conveniently happened to have her flute with her, she took out the pieces and 
assembled it.  She put it to her lips, envisioning sweet notes floating through the 
atmosphere.  However, when she blew air, only strange squeaking noises came out.  
	"What the hell?" she said, breaking into a sweat.  Instead of the delicate rendition 
of "Melodies of Life" (from Final Fantasy 9) that she meant to play, her song sounded 
more like a dying bird.
	"Riiight," Brian said, somewhat puzzled.  "How about you, Jessi number 2?"
	Melinda, who wasn't a flute player anyway, somehow managed to choke out a 
stumpy rendition of "Mary had a little lamb."  It was an entire song, at least.
	"Okay, I guess the winner, by default, is Jessi number 2," Brian said, scratching 
his head in confusion.
	Jessi couldn't figure out what was wrong with her, until she happened to take a 
peek inside; someone had stuffed a wad of tissue into the head joint.  She gritted her 
teeth, and considered throwing a fit, but then thought better of it and decided to play it 
cool.  It was only fluke, anyway, and she would recover.
	Marni took her cue.  "Well, let's move on.  As our next competition, both of you 
will have to tell the dirtiest joke you know.  The dirtier, the better."
	Jess smiled inwardly, and then glanced in Melinda's direction.  Melinda glowered 
back.  Jess nearly jumped back a little.  She seemed to notice something sinister burning 
in Melinda's eyes, or was she just seeing things?
	"Jessi number 2, since you won the last round, you can start," Brian said.
	"Heh, okay," she replied.  Melinda squared her shoulders and began to recite her 
joke.
	"An old widower was turning 80 years old, and his son decided that his dad could 
use the company of a woman on his birthday, so the son and his siblings chipped in to 
here a prostitute.  On the man's birthday, the doorbell rang.  When he opened the door, 
there stood the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.  'Oh my, why, may I ask, are you 
here?' he asked.  The prostitute smiled.  "Your children hired me to keep you company 
on your birthday.  I'm here to give you a night of super sex.'  'Well,' the old man replied, 
'I think at my age I should just  stick to the soup.'"
	Geoff and Greg chuckled at the joke, and Marni and Brian seemed a little 
surprised at the fact that Melinda even knew such a joke.  They hoped Jessi could top it.
	The huge smile on her face indicated that she was more than just sure.  She 
cleared her throat, then began.
	"A little girl came home from school early one day.  When she walked into the 
kitchen, she saw her parents having sex on the kitchen counter.  They didn't notice her 
there until they were finished.  They were mortified.  The little girl asked, 'Mommy, 
Daddy, what were you doing?'  The mother thought quickly and replied, 'Honey, 
Mommy and Daddy were making a cake.'  This explanation seemed to satisfy the girl, 
and she skipped off to do her homework.
	"Later that night, her parents were having sex on the living room couch, and the 
little girl saw it all happen, but didn't say anything until the next morning.  'Mommy, 
were you and Daddy making a cake last night on the couch?'  The mother was slightly 
embarrassed.  'Well, uh, yes, why do you ask?'  The little girl smiled.

'Because I licked the frosting!'"
	
	Marni and Brian looked positively green in the face from this punch line.  
Melinda, on the other hand, seemed strangely upset.
	"Well, that was obviously the most disgusting joke that could have been told..." 
Brian began.
	Jessi interrupted. "Well, no it really isn't, see, there's this one about the bartender 
and the cow..."
	"Stop it!  Don't say another word," Marni ordered, still clutching her stomach.  
"Jessi number 1 gets the point for this round."
	Greg and Geoff seemed strangely unaffected by the joke.  They had finished their 
popcorn and candy, and had moved on to hot dogs and pizza.
	"Let's just move on," Brian said, ending the matter.  Jessi looked almost 
disappointed.  "Now, you'll each have to tell us an interesting or funny story about 
working at Target, and try not to make it too disgusting."
	"What?  Me? Disgusting?  Never," Jessi said, feigning innocence.
	"Riiight, Jessi number one, you get to go first, and you can start whenever  you 
want," Marni said, anxious to get the whole thing over with so she could go home.
	Jessi smiled confidently; she was thriving in her element.  She ran her hand 
through her hair to straighten it out, and then began to spin her yarn.
	"One time during Christmas, when it was like super busy, this one lady bought 
like 400 dollars worth of crap, then handed me her driver's license.  I asked her why she 
had handed me her driver's license (sometimes people are stressed and they mean to 
hand me their credit card, but aren't paying attention and do that).  Anyway, she got all 
huffy, and told me to look up her credit card number with it.  We can't do that at Target, 
and I told her that.  Apparently my word wasn't good enough, so she practically 
demanded that I call my manager over.  When my manager arrived, she told the lady the 
same thing that I had told her.  The lady got really mad, threw her wrapping paper at me 
and tossed her cart into the wall of Food Avenue."
	Marni and Brian collectively exhaled, because the story wasn't nasty, as they had 
feared.  Melinda didn't look so relieved.  Since she had never worked at Target, so she 
really couldn't tell a story about it.  She'd just have to make one up.  Everyone was 
staring at her, and this made her nervous, which didn't help.
	"Ahem, well," she began tentatively, "there was this time a customer came up to 
me and said something was on clearance, but it didn't ring up right.  So then my manager 
said I could give it to her for clearance."  Quick, but not really painless.  Jessi had to 
choke back a laugh.
	"Oookay... well, after hearing both of your very interesting tales, I've decided to 
give Jessi number 1 the point." Brian said.  Jessi smiled gloatingly.
	"Well, as of this time, Jessi number 1 has three points, and Jessi number 2 has 
one," Marni said.  "Now we'll all take a break for dinner.  Meet back here in an hour for 
the 'movie crying' competition, followed by the 'Final Fantasy 9' match."
	The footsteps of Marni, Brian, Geoff and Greg echoed through the red gym as 
they left to go get something to eat.  Jessi and Melinda were left alone.
	"Hey, thanks again for doing this for me, I really appreciate it," Jess said 
graciously to Melinda.
	"No problem, no problem at all," Melinda replied with a hint of sarcasm in her 
voice.  Jess brushed it off as stress and went to find some food.
	In the meantime, Melinda walked to her locker to get her contact lens rewetting 
solution and her Swiss Army knife key chain.  She made sure to stash the eye drops in her 
pocket, and then returned to the red gym.  She had discovered the two Playstation 
consoles hidden behind the bleachers, and had deduced that they were for the Final 
Fantasy 9 competition.  Upon her closer inspection, she saw that they were labeled "Jessi 
1" and "Jessi 2."  Perfect.  This made her job much easier.
	She popped the lid on Jessi's Playstation, revealing the sensitive inner 
components.  She flipped open the nail file on her knife and jammed it into the system, 
twisting it until the end broke off inside.  A spiteful grin found itself forming on her face.
	"I'll get you back, you foolish wench.  You thought you could make a fool out of 
me, but you'll see.  I'll win this silly competition, steal Greg from you, and no one will be 
the wiser," she said.  She shut the Playstation lid and went to the band room until the 
others were done eating.

VIII.  Suspicions

	"Do you think that Melinda was acting a little, I don't know, competitive?" Jessi 
asked.  She, Marni, and Brian were by themselves, making a meal of vending machine 
chips and pop.
	"Yeah, no kidding, she shouldn't be trying to beat you at all," Marni said.  She 
looked to the other end of the cafeteria where Greg and Geoff were sitting, eating 
hamburgers and fries from McDonald's.  They seemed totally oblivious.
	"If they only had a clue about the trouble I've been through," Jess mused, sighing.
	"Excuse me, miss 'love doctor,' but most of this trouble is your fault.  I can't 
believe we let you get us involved in this scheme of yours," Marni said accusingly.
	"Whaaat..." Jess protested.  "Nobody's perfect, I tell ya."
	"In any case," Brian interrupted, "I think it's about time to head back to the gym.  
I want to get this finished, have a happy ending, and then go home and finish my APUSH 
homework."
	"No kidding, I want my boyfriend back!" Jess exclaimed.
	"Hee hee, Greg should see how upset you are, it's so cute," Marni joked.  She got 
up and motioned to Geoff and Greg that it was time to go back.  They walked to the gym, 
Greg and Geoff lagging quite a few paces behind, and found that Melinda was waiting for 
them.
	"Okay, I suppose we can get this finished now," Marni said after everyone was 
seated.  "I'm going to show you guys a video clip.  Whoever is the first to start crying is 
the winner."
	"I'll start timing when Marni presses the play button," Brian said, readying a 
stopwatch.
	"Is everyone ready?" Marni asked.  Both competitors nodded.  "Okay, get those 
waterworks ready to go, I'm pushing play."  She pushed play.
	The video was being projected on the wall of the gym.  The "plastic bag" scene 
from "American Beauty" began to play.
	Upon seeing this, Jess immediately felt a sniffle coming on, but before she could 
start crying, Melinda was bawling like a baby.  Well, it appeared as such, but the tears 
streaming down Melinda's face were being provided by the tiny bottle of saline drops 
hidden in her palm.
	Jessi was mortified, and didn't attempt to hide it.  Marni and Brian couldn't 
believe it.
	"What the," Jessi began, and at that point she nearly started to cry.
	"Jessi number 2 is the winner," Brian said reluctantly, adding a point to Melinda's 
score.  It was now Jessi - 3, Melinda - 2, with only one more event to go.  Jessi had to win 
the last point, or the score would be tied.
	Marni cut through the incredulity that was permeating the room.  "Everyone, it's 
now time for the final event," she announced.  The anticipation was almost unbearable.  
"This round is all about Final Fantasy 9."  She felt her confidence in Jessi building; no 
one else she knew even had half the skill that Jessi had at that game.
	Brian wheeled out the two Playstation consoles, along with two projectors so that 
the spectators could see what was going on in each of the games.  The systems were 
labeled "Jessi 1" and "Jessi 2," something that had seemed like a good idea at the time.  
Jessi and Melinda took their places in front of their respective games and got ready to 
begin.
	"Each of your games is saved right before an encounter with a boss creature.  The 
first person to defeat the creature will win the final point," Brian explained.  "You each 
have as many chances as  you want, but the competition will end once one person has 
completed the task."
	"When I say 'go,' turn on your Playstation and load the saved game," Marni said.
	"Good luck, you'll need it," Melinda whispered.
	"What's your problem?" Jess demanded.
	"Go!" came Marni's command.
	Jess and Melinda pushed the power buttons on their respective Playstations.  
Melinda's game booted to the title screen and she quickly loaded her game.  Jessi, 
however, wasn't having very good luck.  Shortly after turning on the system, it began to 
emit an excruciating screeching noise, like someone was scratching a pair of dentures 
across a blackboard.  She shut it off and began to panic.
	Melinda was chugging along at her game.  Though she wasn't especially good at 
video games, the amount of practice she had put in over the past couple of days was 
certainly helping her.  
	Jessi flipped open the console, trying desperately to figure out what was 
malfunctioning.  The game itself seemed to be fine; the disc had no scratches or hairs on 
it.  So she looked inside.  She saw something shiny twinkling deep within the inner 
workings.  Taking a closer look, she realized that it was a jagged piece of metal.  She 
reached inside and jiggled it until it pulled loose, put the game disc back in, and turned 
on the system again.  Now it seemed to be working fine, thankfully, so she loaded the 
saved game.  Melinda was now at least halfway finished; there would be a lot of 
catching-up to do.
	Jessi got right on it, strategically assigning attack commands and offensive spells 
to her characters with the skill and grace of a veteran.  The slash of a sword, the swipe of 
a claw, all seeming like a masterfully choreographed ballet.  Jessi used a "scan" spell on 
the boss creature.  "Hit points = 37/2400... all right!  I'm gonna win!"
	She had spoken too soon.
	At that moment, Melinda's character had gone into "trance" mode, giving it extra 
power.  It performed a numbing deathblow on the enemy, killing it instantly.
	Total shock pervaded the room (save Geoff and Greg, who were dismayed to find 
out that they had run out of snacks).  No one made a sound.  Except for Jessi.
	"Wha, but, huh?" she choked out.
	"That means the score is tied, huh?" Geoff said dully.
	"Yeah, so I guess we don't know who the real Jessi is," Greg sighed.
	"Uh, Brian and I will have to figure this one out.  Everybody go take a break until 
we're finished," Marni said hurriedly.
	Greg and Geoff left, probably to drive over to McDonald's again.
	That left Jessi and Melinda.  They walked out into the hallway, and Jessi took that 
opportunity to vent her feelings.
	"It was you, wasn't it?" she demanded.
	"Why, whatever do you mean, Jessica?  Or should I be referring to you as 'the 
imbecile formerly known as Jessica Silver?'" Melinda replied with a bothersome sarcasm 
in her voice.
	Jess ignored her for the moment.  "You put that metal thing in my Playstation just 
so I would lose!"
	"Did I?  Maybe it was just an opportunity for you to discover your own 
inadequacies, a mirror into the dark depths of your personality, perhaps."
	Jessi's face was flushed with barely-contained rage.  "Why are you doing this to 
me?  I've never done anything bad to you..."
	"Hah, that's a laugh."  Melinda began to walk a circle around Jess.  "All I wanted 
was to show a boy that I liked him, and you came along and ruined it all.  Now I'm just 
passing along the favor.  Greg is mine to have; you'd better deal with it now before I rip 
your identity from you."
	"I can't believe this is happening to me," Jessi said in a shaky voice.
	"Oh, are you gonna cry now?  I think I'll join you, boo-hoo-hoo!"  Tears streamed 
down Melinda's face once again, but suddenly ran dry.  "Oops, looks like I'm all dried 
up."  She took the used bottle of saline and threw it at Jessi, before tossing her head and 
marching back to the gym.
	"What am I gonna do?" Jess said despairingly.
	No one was there to give her an answer.

IX.  Wise King Solomon

	Geoff and Greg returned to the high school happy, and finally full.  They met 
again in the red gym, and found their seats, full of expectation.  Marni stood in front of 
everyone serenely; far from the frazzled figure she had been less than a half hour ago.  
Jessi wasn't in quite as good a shape; she was looking pale and a little sick, but 
nevertheless had ushered herself back out of duty to herself.
	When everyone fell silent, Marni spoke.
	"I will begin by saying that this situation is totally unprecedented.  None of us 
ever though that Jessi's position as herself could ever be disputed.  However, Brian and I 
have devised a test that will settle the issue once and for all."
	Brian stood up and took his turn.  "This test will not be a test of wits, or of words, 
and not necessarily one of strength.  It is a test of the heart, and Greg is the subject."
	Greg seemed surprised.  "Huh?  What do I have to do?"
	"Just stand there and wait," Marni ordered.
	"Now, Jessis 1 and 2, I need you to stand on either side of Greg, and to each take 
one of his hands," Brian continued.
	Jessi and Melinda followed his orders.  Melinda grasped Greg's hand just a little 
to forcefully, and had a triumphant look on her face.  Jessi just seemed a little out of it.
	"When I say 'go,' you'll each be left to demonstrate how much you care for 
Greg," Brian said.
	"So, you mean whoever pulls the hardest gets to keep him?" Melinda asked.
	"Hey, I don't think I like this test very much," Greg protested.
	"Whatever," Brian continued.  "Is everyone ready?"  They nodded, though Greg 
seemed a little nervous.  "Okay, go!"
	Melinda wasted no time, and practically yanked Greg's arm straight out of the 
socket.
	"Ouch!  You're hurting me!"  Greg exclaimed.  This caused Jessi to gasp, and she 
let go of his hand.  Greg fell forward into Melinda's arms, and she had no intention of 
giving up her prize.
	Jessi hung her head in defeat.  "I guess this means that I'll have to dye my hair 
blonde and give up Final Fantasy 9, *sniff,*" she whimpered.
	But Marni and Brian were all smiles.
	"Shall I?" Marni asked Brian.
	"Be my guest," he replied.
	"I declare the winner to be... Jessi number 1!" Marni exclaimed.
	Melinda's jaw dropped in utter disbelief.  "What?  But I won!"
	"I specifically said that the test wasn't necessarily about physical strength.  You 
kept pulling on Greg's arm even though he was obviously in pain.  You didn't care about 
him as a person, you only cared about him as a vendetta against Jessi.  Therefore, you 
don't deserve to win."  The wise man had spoken.
	Melinda pushed Greg away in disgust, and stomped out of the room.  Greg 
walked to Jessi and wrapped his arms around her.  "I knew it was you all along," he 
whispered in her ear.
	"Then why did I go through all this?" Jessi whispered back.
	"Because you needed to realize that sometimes it's better to let things be, rather 
than trying to meddle in something you can't control."
	"Yeah, I got that all right.  But you also need to know something," she said with 
the hint of a laugh in her voice.
	"What's that?"
	"There's only one Jessi, and don't you forget it!"
	At that moment, they realized that Marni, Brian, and Geoff were applauding.
	"Thanks guys," Jessi said.
	"So, are you going to quit this 'love doctor' stuff now?" Greg asked.
	"Heh, I'll always be your 'love doctor," she replied wickedly.
	"Dirty!" Greg exclaimed.  Everyone laughed, and then began to pick up their 
things to go home.

X.  Angel

	Geoff had slipped quietly away and was heading towards the Able Street doors.  
As he turned the corner, he saw her; Melinda, sitting on the bench by the doors.  And she 
was crying pure, genuine tears.  At first he didn't know what to do.  He wanted to talk to 
her with all his heart, but what would he say?  He decided to take his chances.
	"Hey," he began.
	"I ruined everything," she cried, burying her face in her hands.
	"That's not true," Geoff replied.
	"Yes it is.  I can't believe the person I was today.  I have no idea what came over 
me.  I was a total jerk.  I tried to steal Jessi's boyfriend from her, and for what?  I was just 
upset, I thought that she had ruined any chance that I ever had with you."
	Geoff's heart jumped.  "You mean, you did this because you liked me?" he said 
incredulously.
	"Well, yeah, I was too shy to say anything as myself, but as Jessi I could make a 
total ass of myself and no one would give it a second though."  By this time, Melinda's 
sobs had settled to sniffles.
	"You never had to say anything, I've loved you as long as I can remember	" 
Geoff exclaimed.
	"Really?" Melinda smiled a small, sweet smile.
	"Of course!"  At this admission, their eyes met and they felt drawn to each other.  
What else was there to do?  Melinda took the initiative, put her hands on both sides of 
Geoff's face, and planted a delicate kiss on his lips.  It was so wonderful that angels from 
heaven were singing.  Actually, it was the rest of the group going "oooohhh," to tease 
them.
	"Looks like someone is feeling better," Marni said.
	"Yeah," Melinda said.  "I'm sorry for being such a psycho, guys."
	"No, I'm sorry," Jess countered.  "This was all my fault.  I got involved in 
something I shouldn't have, but I so totally learned my lesson."
	"It's okay," Melinda said.  "I forgive you."
	"As much as I love all these good feelings, I think it's time we all headed home," 
Brian suggested.  
	"Hey, you guys up for some dinner?" Geoff asked.  Everyone stared at him.  
"What?  It's been like an hour since I had something!"
	"I'll give you something," Melinda said coyly.
	"See you guys later!" Geoff said quickly, as he and Melinda rushed out the door.
	"Now that's what I call a happy couple.  I'm so glad I could help," Jessi said.  
Everyone groaned as they all left to go to Barnes and Noble for some coffee.

THE END


AUTHOR'S NOTE

	Well, I started this story around February 6th, hoping to have it done by the 14th, 
Valentine's Day.  Wow, that's really funny now that I think of it.  It ended up taking me 
two and a half months, but a lot of love went into it, so it's all good.  
	Geoff and Melinda are two characters I created to represent characteristics of 
many of my friends.  This saved me from using actual people, which would have caused 
a little bit of embarrassment :)  Yeah, I love you guys, but I promise I won't name any 
names.
	Thanks to all the real people in this story who didn't protest when I told them they 
were going to be in print.  That would be Brian, Marni, and Greg (I don't count because I 
can ask myself permission whenever I feel like it).
	Well, hope you liked the story everyone, it was hard work (and I wrote 10 pages 
of it today, hee hee).

Jessi

April 20, 2001