A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: if you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
-- Jay Leno
I remember my first day of school. My parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. I didn't know anybody -- I was surrounded by trees.
-- Janine DiTullo
Kids are cute, babies are cute, puppies are cute. The little things are cute. See, nature did this on purpose so that we would want to take care of our young. Made them cute. Tricked us. Then gradually they get older and older, until one day your mother sits you down and says, "You know, I think you're ugly enough to get your own apartment."
-- Cathy Ladman
I don't remember names, I remember faces. You should be introduced by the face. Whatever it is you remember about that person. "Big Nose, Short Pants, come here a second. This is my friend, Hawaiian Shirt, Bad Haircut. Broken Glasses, Food-Stuck-in-His-Teeth." Whatever you remember.
-- Paul Reiser
I'm very loyal in a relationship. Any relationship. When I go out with my mom, I don't look at other moms. I don't go "Ooooh, I wonder what her macaroni and cheese tastes like."
-- Garry Shandling
I broke up with someone, and she said, "You'll never find anyone like me again." And I'm thinking, I hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone just like you? Does anybody end a bad relationship and say, "By the way, do you have a twin?"
-- Larry Miller
Fathers are the geniuses of the house because only a person as intelligent as we could fake such stupidity. Think about your father: He doesn't know where anything is. You ask him to do something, he messes it up and your mother send you: "Go down and see what your father's doing before he blows up the house." He's a genius at work because he doesn't want to do it, and he knows someone will be coming soon to stop him.
-- Bill Cosby
