A numb, empty space, a void inside that no mortal objects or emotions could fill, an insidious sick feeling beginning in my gut. “What have I done?” is too paltry of a sentence to accurately describe the searing agony behind that ever-thinning veil holding back the pain. I pace, screaming at my maids to leave my presence.

Our apartments are lavish, an ornate chest for my clothes, a box inlaid with ivory and lapis lazuli used to hold my pins, a hunting tapestry on the wall, an ornate bed frame…oh gods forgive me…one of the veils hiding me from that unanswerable darkness falls away.

Like dancers, swirling and colorful, silks skillfully used to portray the story is the tale of my life. Dizziness washes over me and I stumble to a basin--used to hold water and now thankfully empty---and retch. Burning bile up and down my throat, a sick taste in my mouth, wildness clawing to get free, tearing my chest to pieces… I spin around, hands over racing heart, gasping for breath my eyes darting back and forth between the windows, the trunks, the mirror and the bed posts. Finally my eyes find something on which to hold while I suffer in torment. The sound of my heart slows somewhat and I become quieter, more controlled.

“My king, my sweet, my Laius. You would forgive me, would you not? Did you not try to protect me, by killing the baby? Yes…yes, my protector.” That is how it will be. I crawl to one of the trunks, withdrawing a blue gown Laius always enjoyed, then to the ivory box for the pins he gave me for special occasions. Finally I go to the curtains, untying the silk cords. I find myself braiding deft knots at both ends, one goes around the horizontal posts on the bed while the other slithers around my neck. “Laius!” I cry, “forgive me! Forgive me!”

And thus my life as Jocasta, Queen Mother and Wife, was ended.

Copyright Ayleeandra Rowan, nothing presented here may be used without the author's express permission.

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