Why RPGs kick arse! By A-kun First of all, I'd like to say that this is a reply to Stephen Gohan's little whine-session that he calls an editorial. I'll include his views (in his own words no less). The reproduction was actually encouraged by Stephen Gohan on the technicality that he asked for anyone to find fault with his arguments. I've never met Stephen, I am merely replying to his views of RPGs. When I have "Stephen" say something, it is not actually an e-mail from Stephen, but rather what appeared on his editorial. Oh, and TharzZzDunN caught sight of this and asked to read it. Before I knew it, he was requesting/demanding to add comments. His will be marked with { }s. ==================================================================================== [A-kun sits in the middle of an empty theater, staring at an animatronic doll that has a sign labeled "Stephen Gohan" on it. The doll speaks for Stephen as A-kun speaks for A-kun.] Stephen: Why RPGs Should be Severely Censored and Devoid of Character Development A-kun: I personally think the stories should be less censored and should allow for even more character development. Stephen: by Stephen Gohan A-kun: My reply is by me. My views are my own and I will take any flames for my work. My e-mail address is at: akun15@hotmail.com And yes, I'll have it at the end too. Stephen: Many tragedies such as that of the trenchcoat mafia occur far too often in this country. A-kun: Trenchcoat mafia? Where did you get THAT phrase, oh wise and powerful Godfather? Stephen: More people die from gunshots in the states than many European countries combined. Why does this happen? A-kun: Well, let's see, hatred, mishandling, mistakes, stress, misunderstandings, delusions of grandeur, delusions of aliens invading, heat of the moment, pre-planning, misfiring, lasers are too expensive, knives are too messy, poisons are hard to get (plus you might not get the right victim), guns are cheap, guns can be used by any idiot and just plain dislike towards the person being shot. Next question. Stephen: The cause is simpler than you might think: console-based role-playing games, and their characteristics. A-kun: I hope this isn't going to turn into a thing about microwaves controlling our brains, 'cause if it is, then- [A-kun becomes glassy-eyed and speaks in a monotone voice.] we shall have to deal with Stephen Gohan in a very unpleasant fashion. Microwaves are our friends. We welcome all friends. [A-kun's eyes return to normal and his voice gains emotion again. He continues as if nothing ever happened.] -I'm outta here. Stephen: I will identify and attack their characteristics one by one. A-kun: Divide and conquer. Worked for the Romans, worked for Sun Tzu, but will it work for you? I hate it when I rhyme. Even slightly. Stephen: 1) realism and FMV. A-kun: Two of the things that make an RPG stand out. The time to build such beautiful art is high, but well worth it when you see the result. Stephen: This definitely has to go. A-kun: [sarcastically] Ah, of course. No sense wasting FMVs when cruddy graphics'll do. Stephen: Why were RPGs originally invented? A-kun: To force us to sit on our asses for hours on end, thinking up strategies to beat our foes without wasting a ton of energy, thus making us into brilliant tacticians for tomorrow? Stephen: Imagination. A-kun: Ah. Apparently, we're all to use these simple games as a basis for grander purposes and that we'll gain more imagination! Brilliant! Stephen: What were the characteristics that made FF1 a classic, and favorite in the FF series among many? A-kun: It was the first way back in the days of Nintendo and everyone feels nostalgic? Stephen: Imagination and customization. A-kun: Um, yeah. Although, customization really wasn't what I wanted. I wanted some more friggin' characters so I could live longer and do more damage. Not to mention that the magic system for the game was screwed up, every fight was either a win/lose fight no matter what you did and even when you get to the point where you can crush every foe with one hit, you still might lose against even the most feeble of monsters as they have some sort of STONE or DEATH attack they never used before. Not to mention the battle music got REALLY tired after 238 battles and no change, you were limited in where you could save, your item table was even more restricted than it should have EVER been, and you have to have a friend nearby when you play so they can remind you how much your TV costs before you hurl your controller through it. Stephen: Bad graphics forced us to fill in details and fine points by ourselves, and the story was whatever we wanted it to be. A-kun: Then apparently, it was about a red-haired woman, a black-haired woman and two more women in robes going on a quest and getting their asses kicked quite often. [receives stares] Well, if what he says is true, then the genders of everyone is totally up to me! And personally, I'd rather watch four mildly attractive women go on a quest, then watch some guys. There are enough men in RPGs! POWER TO THE WOMEN! SHOW US THE TIFA! Stephen: The plain fact is, realistic graphics and FMV make us subconsciously identify the game with reality itself whether we realize it or not, A-kun: .................................. YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEE-NNOOOOOOO! Realistic graphics allow us to save some time from trying to think up our own model of the person. By giving them a realistic look, we can try to get a feel for the story flowing within the game. And I, for one, could stand a little story flowing. As for FMVs, those are there just to look cool. Stephen: in much the same way advertising subtly influences us to buy certain products no matter how much we claim to be immune to it. A-kun: [turning deathly pale] You mean they really WANT me to Pampers?! [returning to normal] Stephen, your logic might've been correct... in the 1950s, where people actually gave a darn and would've panicked at your words. Nowadays, 'subliminal messages' can't work for two-thirds of the audience because most are immune. {Cause we're all information junkies! \-/ Groghopper TharzZzDunN's Final Quest of More Egg Nog!} Either by low attention spans, hardening of the mind or just mute it. It's the entire effect of the commercial that can affect you. Stephen: We just aren't, and that's the sad truth. A-kun: No, that people like you still worry is the sad truth. Stephen: Images of explosions, gunfire and death that look overly realistic can and will A-kun: -KICK ASS! WHOOOO! [pause][sarcastically] Yeah, the way dead people de-pixilate or turn pink and vanish... that's just too realistic for me. Stephen: subliminally influence just about anyone to committ murderous acts, if too much exposure results. A-kun: [horrified] Oh my megamis.... YOU MISSPELLED 'COMMIT'! Stephen: Ineed, FF7 alone A-kun: [O_o] Okay, if you really do need FF7 alone, I'll loan you mine. Just don't pull down your pants. Stephen: was responsible for much death and malicious impulses in our society. A-kun: [snickering][sarcastically] Yeah, you know, I've seen so many five year olds do the Omnislash and Final Heaven, it makes me sick to my stomach. [normal] BWAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Stephen: Therefore, it is logical to conclude that all FMVs should be wiped from future RPGs, and that graphics should be no more advanced than 16-bit. A-kun: [jaw agape] You can't be seri- [thinks briefly, then smiles] I get it, 16-bit, huh? Well, Stephen, I think you're just upset at the fact that YOU CAN'T AFFORD A SONY PLAYSTATION! You've only got a Super-Nintendo, don't ya? 16-bit, isn't it?! HA! You're just a sore loser! Stephen: This may sound impossible but with enough people I think we can make it happen. A-kun: [right eyebrow arched] Uh-huh. It can. You just have to convince every RPG player that Final Fantasy 1 is better than all of it's later cousins. {Bastards! Every last one of 'em!?! - TharzZzy's review of his anime women} Stephen: I can't conceive of any less than 40% agreeing with me on this after my evidence presented. A-kun: ............. [right eye twitches as he sweatdrops.] Must be excellent evidence... Stephen: Realism is evil. A-kun: Ohhhh, you meant percentage of your own BRAIN, because I can't see how anyone ELSE would be duped by this stupid line of logic. If Realism is evil, then so is Reality. Which means everyone who's real is evil, so who the hell would care? [A-kun watches as the dummy hisses as the mild logic strikes his idea dead.] A-kun: [to the reader] I'm not about to say that I'm not evil. That would be setting myself up. Stephen: 2) Character development. A-kun: So, after presenting his opinion as evidence, he gives up? WIMP! Stephen: This has become a scourge among RPGs that rapidly spoil RPG players, A-kun: [O_O] UUUUUHHHHH, have you PLAYED an RPG? The whole object is to DEVELOP your CHARACTER so that you're STRONGER{?/WITTIER/BUSTIER & WEALTHIER - TharzZzy's two scents} when you NEED IT. [to readers] SORRY that I am SPEAKING in ALTERNATING caps. Heh. Stephen: turning them into sloth-like plot freaks who care nothing about gameplay and only want to be told a story or shown a movie, like babies. A-kun: [sloth-like plot freak] Duuuuh, what's gonna happen next, pa? [normal] Uh, buddy, if you re-check Final Fantasy, there is still a story there. And most of it surrounds developing your characters into a group of heroes. Stephen: They want to sit back, control as little as possible, fight as few battles and traverse as few dungeons as possible, and just let everything be controlled A-kun: Uhhhhh, NO. I happen to like RPG Dungeon crawls. They can test your true might if done right. I will admit that some RPGs let you off the hook a little too often, but that's to help those who are still lagging behind. Stephen: (this is why Xenogears was the worst thing ever to be released for any system in terms of an RPG). A-kun: Well, I've never really played it past the first mech-fight because every time I rented it, it was covered in scratches... hey, maybe he lives around my house.... [looks left, then right, then left.] That would explain why I could never find a working copy. Stephen: What causes this? A-kun: Um, you being unhappy with RPGs, mostly. Oh, you didn't mean this editorial. Stephen: Story derived from excessive character development. A-kun: Wow! You hate 90210 too! And Party of Five! And even movies like Neon Genesis Evangelion! Wait, I like Evangelion. GRRRR!! [returns to normal and talks to you aside] Actually, the first two are nothing BUT character development. Plot is secondary and considered null and void whenever possible. Or so I think. I've only seen maybe two episodes between the two shows. Stephen: Characters should be left customizable blank slates for the PLAYER TO FILL IN, COLOR AND DEVELOP TO HIS OWN STANDARDS; IMAGINATION SHOULD BE USED. A-kun: Dude, there are a select few games THAT customizable. Might and Magic for one, but that game sucks in my opinion. [snidely] Evil as my opinion is since I'm real and Realism is evil. Stephen: Predefined character stories, especially as realistic as recent games, only add to the subconscious idea of the player that these characters are real and can be seen as role models, and are to be emulated in society. A-kun: [Stephen] Yeah, becoming a warrior for good and defending people... standing up for what's right... it's for the birds. Forget it. It'll never work. Just let the bad guys win. {PAY YOUR TAXES PEOPLE! SUBMIT TO EVIL! DONATE TO YOUR LOCAL WILDLIFE FUND! RESSURECT YOUR BIOLOGY TEACHER/DARK LORD OF PAIN & LOATHESOME OOZING SCABS! - TharzZzy's review of 'Home Alone: The Terminator Connection'} Stephen: You are not immune to this influence, people. YOU ARE NOT. A-kun: Well, granted, the people of the FFML can't let a thread go by until it's banned by Tybalt or another thread comes along, but I don't see how having Tifa Lockheart or Aerith Gainsborough or Cid Highwind as a role model could be harmful.... okay, maybe Cid, but he's a nice guy in the end. Stephen: I study advertising and its effects on the mind, A-kun: You know, Stephen, people already do that for a living. You could, say, take a class on it. Stephen: and these predefined character personalities are nothing more than a very subtle form of advertising. A-kun: [advertiser] Girls, now you too can learn martial arts and get big boobs like Tifa Lockheart! If you don't, you'll become a flower girl and DIE with a sword sticking out of your spleen!{_IF_ you're lucky enough to find a mad bad bishonen lad bent on world domination, cause his mommy told him too!?} Or you can try becoming an independent materia-hunting girl hell-bent on stealing all the materia in the world but wind-up half-liked, half-hated! [normal] Or, for guys! [advertiser] Guys, if you grow cold to the outside world, you can get three women to chase you! If you don't sign up and you try to do what seems like the right thing, you'll get your arm shot off! Sign up NOW! Stephen: What do they advertise? A-kun: Pizza! Stephen: Voilence, A-kun: Oh, sorry. Pasta! Stephen: mass murder A-kun: Pasta and Mass Murder! That's twisted! Next, they'll probably try Sex and Alcohol! Then Drugs and Rock'N'Roll! Stephen: and going against the will of God by destroying his own servants, the angels. A-kun: Okay, I'm not going to point out that this is also the main story of Neon Genesis Evangelion, but that's for another day. Stephen: That's right, how many times has an angel been the final boss of a FF game? A-kun: Let's see.... never. Stephen: At least twice. [A-kun walks up to the stage and checks the doll for damage.] A-kun: I said never. In Final Fantasy, you fight a being called Chaos. In Final Fantasy 2/4, you find/fricasee the hatred of Zemus, which is called Zeromus. In Final Fantasy 3/6, you battle against Kefka, a power -driven madman who became a god mostly by accident, and three goddesses. {Send for your free brochure from the government, 'I don't like thinking about things 'cause it makes me all snotty' - Pueblo, CO TharzZzy} In Final Fantasy 7/6, you combat Sephiroth, who takes on the APPEARANCE of an angel, but really, he's a Mako-made god. And, if you didn't notice, you often see angels in spells like Life and Life2. So, technically, you've got angels on your side. (A-kun's note: I've checked a webpage that listed all the final bosses. Not even one was an angel, unless you're dumb enough to consider Sephiroth an angel, even though he's merely a power-hungry madman who gets what he wants just before getting what's coming to him. List of Final Bosses for Final Fantasy games: FF1 - Chaos, FF2 - Emperor, FF3 - Cloud of Darkness, FF4 - Zemus/Zeromus, FF5 - NeoExdeath, FF6 - Kefka, FF7 - Safer [Seraph?] Sephiroth, FF8 - Sorceress Edea?) Stephen: I assure you, this is a sick joke created by selfish atheists who are making fun of Christianity. A-kun: Trust me, it's hard NOT to make fun of Christianity, what with their coalition and all, but let's leave that to a personal and non-violent discussion. Please. [A-kun returned to his seat.] Stephen: But that's somewhat beside the main point, so I won't go off on that tangent. A-kun: Well, good. Stephen: If character story and development is left to the imagination alone, A-kun: The game'll suck, we know. Stephen: the ideas will remain in the player's head(being forged by the player himself, of course) A-kun: Uh, yeah. Whatever. Besides, haven't you ever noticed that WWII was before RPGs were even thought of? Face it, violence is in our blood. It comes from our ancestory. All we can do is try to ignore it and move beyond it. It's by ignoring the restraints of our bodies that we reach our true potential. Stephen: and won't be strong enough to influence him to commit murder or anything. A-kun: Um, sorry to insult you, Goku-wannabe, but if you hadn't noticed, violence on T.V. has a much bigger audience. In fact, fighting games, movies, the newspaper, T.V., comics and the internet have a million times more violence in them than simple RPGs do. Stephen: That is why it is so essential that RPGs go back to the old ways of the player creating his own character from his own mind, A-kun: Darn right. Back to dice, paper and pencils, dammit! Stephen: and eliminate prefedined character personalities as soon as possible. A-kun: Ah, but even at it's most base stage, by forcing a character into a status of being (such as choosing someone to be a fighter), you are already defining it's character. It's like making a weapon. Unless you want to start from the melting process again, it's almost impossible to make it into another weapon. It's status is already predefined. A sword will always be a sword. A club will always be a club. A crossbow will always be a crossbow, unless it's made into a club. Stephen: I fail to see how that many people can disagree with me here, A-kun: But it's happening. A _lot_. Stephen: whether or not they're willing to admit it right now. A-kun: I'm willing to admit that I dislike this viewpoint. Stephen, man, there IS such a thing as fighting a dying battle, but you take the cake. Give up the ghost, man. The Roman Empire is DEAD! Stephen: Think it over, people. Just think. A-kun: Just think. With the time I spent on this, I could've had an ice cream sundae.... Stephen: 3) Female roles in RPGs. A-kun: Uh-oh. We're getting in deep now, boys and girls. {Everyone got their shovels? - TharzZzy} Stephen: I'll only touch briefly on this topic. A-kun: And for your safety, this is a good thing. Stephen: Females shouldn't be given roles that men are supposed to have – Tifa is an example of this. A-kun: OOOOOH! Stephen just went back in time, ladies and gentlemen. He thinks his ancient male views are brilliant. Well, Stephen, let me tell you something. It's the 1990s, almost the year 2000 (Yes, this is that old). There's something called "dogs" which are the "domesticated" version of the wolf. Stephen: Women should be kept as healers or magic users A-kun: Well, magic-users are infinitely more useful than fighters. After all, fighters are just cannon fodder. {And usually attracted to a bishonen emperor character from a chinese fable! - Normal Type TharzZzDunN... Aiyah!} Stephen: and not be scantily clothed, or it sets a bad example for society. A-kun: [to the reader] Well, at least give him this. He's TRYING to be a good guy on the scantily clothed part. Stephen: Women shouldn't be beating things up, they should be keeping back and healing the male warriors who protect them. A-kun: Hmm, you're right. Rather than trying to beat them up, they should blow things up. Like, say, your house. Jerk. Stephen It just doesn't fit right any other way, despite all these modern feminist movements. A-kun: And Stephen proves that women truly are better off without men. Geez, Stephen, why not just come out and SAY "I'm an evil prick who wants to destroy everyone's happiness". {A-kun, I'm shocked and appalled at your comments! You forgot to put in a '?' - TharzZzyville} Stephen: This may anger some female game players, but hey, just how many girls play games? A-kun: Lots. Yahtzee, Scrabble, Dungeons and Dragons, Tekken, Bloody Roar II, Lunar: The Silver Star Story Complete, Final Fantasy 7, Breath of Fire, Crono Trigger, need I go on? {No, A-kun I can't go on any longer! *BLAM!* FRegin-hay, I shot myself in the book! - Saber Mannequin TharzZzDunN EZ-rider} Stephen: Not many. [A-kun considers a verbal retaliation before just flipping the doll "The Bird".] Stephen: So their opinion, while I guess it should still be considered, is far less important. {WARNING! A-KUN LOSES IT IN THIS NEXT BIT, SO MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST VISIT JIM LAZAR'S PAGE INSTEAD! HAVE A PLEASANT FFML DAY!} [stupid monkeys - not TharzZzy's comments, really!] A-kun: Uh-uh. You listen up, you egotistical, back-sliding, buck-toothed, long-nosed, pointy-eared, RED-TAILED, SPIRAL-HORNED, GOAT-LEGGED, HAIRY-ASSED, DONKEY-KISSING MEGAMANICAL PRICK!! We need women more than they need us! They should have our respect for going through the crap they do. But, NOOO, you just had to come out and push my buttons, didn't you? I was being mostly civil! I was being mildly polite! BUT NOW YOU'VE DONE IT! _I_ _HAPPEN_ _TO_ _LIKE_ _INDEPENDENT_ _WOMEN_!! [A-kun stands up, grabs the seat he was sitting in and throws it at the doll. It explodes, startling A-kun out of his rage. Another doll with the words "Stephen Gohan 2" written on it's face appears next to where the old doll had been.] Stephen: If I'm wrong, let's see them tell me I'm wrong, right here. A-kun: I'm acting as the messenger. Stephen: That's really it. A-kun: You should thank your lucky stars. Stephen: I know a great many of you are secretly with me and ashamed to admit it, so speak out. [A-kun flips the new doll "The Bird".] Stephen: And for those of you against me, I dare you to even try and rebut every single one of my points. It may seem easy, but in the end I doubt you'll get far. A-kun: Actually, the only trouble I'll have is getting my e-mail to you. [A-kun throws a chair at the second doll and watches it explode as well. Finally, A-kun walks up to the stage and faces you, the reader.] A-kun: Let's review my opinion, shall we? [A-kun takes a strong stance, showing the reader that he is either going to fart or he's going to be solid in his stance.] {Oh hell, why not have both! - TharzZzy, who's current project is driving A-kun off the cliffs of inanity!} A-kun: FMVs are the greatest thing since sliced bread, (but not including cinnamon buns) methinks. Maybe someone should make a CD to display all of these FMVs. Or have an item like in "Lunar: Silver Star Story Complete", to let you see all the cool graphics. [A-kun takes up a thoughtful pose, meaning he's either going to be nice or he's going to hide the fact that he's scratching his ass.] {See previous comment!} A-kun: Does realism really cause more violence? No. Sorry, Stephen, but in my view, realism in an RPG merely gives more visual sensation. There's violence everywhere these days, but I feel that an RPG, if done right, can calm the player and begin helping them rid themselves of violence. [A-kun sits down.] {Careful folks, it's coming down the pipe steaming hot! So be sure to keep your gloves on anyway!} A-kun: As for your other point about characterization, this is a means of allowing the player to understand that everyone has problems, dreams, hopes and desires. And they may not always like these displays, but it brings to light a feeling of compassion for our fellow man. If you can sympathize with a game character, then you can sympathize with a human. Sure, some of them aren't really worth much sympathy, but at least it can bring us out of ourselves and let us experience a world of wonder. A world beyond our own. And if we learn how to solve our characters problems, then we can learn to solve our own. Games like Might and Magic and Final Fantasy original, they're just "Slash 'Em" games. You walk forward and slash. At least with Final Fantasy 3 and Final Fantasy 7, there's more than just slashing, you have to think too. And with the game Guardian's Quest and FF7, you have to think about what you're going to do in the present so that you can shape the future. [A-kun stands once more.] A-kun: If we can appreciate the beauty of another world, maybe, just maybe, we can start appreciating our own. And if we can save another world, maybe it's not impossible to save our own. [A-kun turns away to squirt glycerin in his eyes, turns back to face you with a single tear streaking down his face.] {It's not nice to fool Mother Nature! *BZAAAAAARRRKKKK* - The last time TharzZzy tries to bury Pop-Tarts in the Mrs. Nature's flower garden.} A-kun: Thank you for reading. [A-kun turns away to squirt more glycerin in his eyes, not knowing the contents are now Nitro Glycerin. He spins around and explodes. From far above, we hear his yell.] A-kun: [flying away] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH-SEE YOU NEXT WEEEEEEK! [A young blue-haired woman steps onto the stage. She looks around, then clears her throat and waves to you, the reader.] Young Woman: Hi! I'm Luna from Lunar: The Silver Star Story Complete! I've been asked by A-kun to sing you a song. [She looks around again.] Luna: Uh, so where is he? He left? .....Okay, I'll sing anyway. [She takes a deep breath and a soft melody starts.] Luna: [singing] %Wishing on a dream that seems far off% %Hoping it will come today% %Into the starlit night,% %Foolish dreamers turn their gaze% %Waiting on a shooting star.% %But, what if that star is not to come?% %Will their dreams fade to nothing?% %When the horizon darkens most,% %We all need to believe there is hope.% %Is an angel watching closely over me?% %Can there be a guiding light I've yet to see?% %I know my heart should guide me, but,% %There's a hole within my soul.% %What will fill this emptiness inside of me?% %Am I to be satisfied without knowing?% %I wish, then, for a chance to see,% %Now all I need, % %Is my star to come...% [As the melody faded, Luna bows, waves and leaves.] ================================================================================== Sorry I lost it, but women deserve our respect and Stephen Gohan's casual "brushing aside" of their opinions and importance really insulted me, my sister, ????? and C-chan. I didn't want to go on a full-fledged rant because I would probably say a little too much. Besides, Stephen wasn't worth it. It's sad that people like Stephen have to not only ruin the internet, but also great things like RPGs with their narrow-minded views. I'll end this spiel here because I'll get mushy if I continue. Ben McCrillis reply at akun15@hotmail.com Hopeless Romantic Believer in the power of mankind And one of many fans of Luna's singing! "Has anyone else noticed the pattern for Dragon Ball Z? Something big happens, there's a lot of hype, someone else tries to do something, a big bad guy shows up, Goku arrives and it's all over the instant the bad guy throws the fight." - A-kun