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December 24th 1998
Title: A letter from mom:
Dear Son,
I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you first left. Your Dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address as the last family here took the numbers with them for their next house, so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in, pulled the chain, and I haven't seen 'em since. It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days this time. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt Sue sid it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it's a girl or a boy, so I don't know if you are an Aunt or and Uncle.
Not much more news this time, write soon.
Love, Mom
P.S. Was going to send you money, but the envelope was already sealed.
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December 25th 1998
Title: Dumb Faith
A guy's in his house when horrendous rains come up. The water starts rising, and before you know it, we're talking major flood. Roads are covered.Nothing's moving. Pretty soon, a boat comes along. Guy in the boat yells, 'Come on - we're here to save you. Get in the boat.' Guy in the house says, 'No...I've got faith that God will save me.' The boat leaves. The water keeps rising. The guy is forced up the second floor of his house by the flood waters. Another boat comes along. The guy in the boat yells, 'Come on! It's getting worse. If you don't get in the boat, you're going to drown.' From the second floor window the guy says, 'No...I'll be ok. I've got faith in God that he'll save me.' The boat leaves. Water's rising. The guy's on the roof. A helicopter hovers overhead and the pilot shouts out, 'This is your last chance. Climb up the ladder. If you don't come now you're going to drown.' The guy says from the roof, 'No, thanks. God will save me.' The pilot shrugs his shoulders and splits. The water rises. The guy drowns. Ascends to the pearly gates. He asks St. Peter, 'What happened? I've been devoted to God and had absolute faith that he would save me. Why did he let me down?' And St. Peter tells him, 'What the heck do you want? God sent ya two boats and a helicopter!?'
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December 26th 1998
Title: Old Women
There are three old sisters living in a house together. The first sister is pouring the water for her bath. She puts one foot in and asks herself if she was getting in our out. She stands there trying to figure it out. The second sister is walking up the stairs. She gets to the middle and can't remember if she was going up or down. The third sister seeing all of this stands next to the cubboard and says, 'I hope I never get as bad as those two. Knock on wood.' '
Who's there?'
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December 27th 1998
Title:Boat Owners
Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat. It so happened that Johnâs wife died the same day that Joeâs boat sank.
A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe a mistook him for John. She said, 'I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible.'
Joe thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, 'Hell no in fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.
I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle.'
The old lady fainted.
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December 28th 1998
Title: Do you have any nuts?
This one girl walks into a grocery store and asks the clerk if he has any nuts. The clerk says, 'no ma'am. She says, 'well do you have any dates?' And he says, 'well ma'am if I had any nuts I would have dates.'
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December 29th 1998
Title: Wrinkles
Granddaughter is sitting on Grandpa's lap as he reads the paper not paying any attention to her studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve and rubs her fingers over the wrinkles and then over her own face and looks more puzzled. She finally asks, 'Grandpa, did God make you'? 'He sure did honey, a long time ago', he replied. 'Well, did God make me?' she said.'Yes He did, and that wasn't too long ago', he said. She thought for a minute and then said, 'boy, He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?'
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