Mystery Science Theater 3000 presents:

Track Of The Moonbeast

The story of a hideous monster named Paul and his love for a woman who wears terrycloth jumpers. Somewhere in the flat, uninspiring American Southwest, a dull man with hair like John Fogarty looks for fossils. His best friend, Professor Johnny Longbow, jumps out from behind a rock and introduces him to Kathy, a photojournalist who says stupid things. After enjoying a hearty bowl of Johnny's authentic Indian stew, the two fall in love and go off to find a remote place where they can be in love. They chose a place directly in the path of a meteor, which, if it strikes a human, can in some cases turn that human into a killer lizard. It strikes Paul. He turns into a killer lizard. Kathy loves him anyway, while Johnny assures him the killings aren't his fault and attempts to cure him. All cures fail, so Johnny shoots and kills him. The monster Paul is dead.
Based on a true story.

Prologue: The Robots bought an Onion Blossomer, and as they tend to do, get carried away with it, blossoming everything on the ship including Mike's wallet. There are no references to the network television program Blossom.
Segment One: After blossoming Tom's head, they receive a call from Pearl, who explains her latest bit of evil--a device hooked directly to Bobo's brain that allows the poor dumb ape to be commanded via remote control! They invite Mike to try it, and he quickly improvises a plan to escape. It fails. It had to. Mike is shamed, Bobo is punished.

Segment Two: Inspired by the hit film Track of the Moon Beast, Crow, Gypsy and Servo try to scare Mike with a mask and some strange bird calls. It turns out as painfully as it did in the hit film, Track of the Moon Beast.

Segment Three: Mike narrates a Legends of Rock-style documentary about The Band That Played California Lady, a band who, in the hit film Track of the Moon Beast, played a song called California Lady (soundtrack album available at bargain bins everywhere).

Segment Four: Crow and Servo realize that they don't know what kind of pajamas Mike favors, and so they rig an elaborate device to spy on him. Though they get an intimate glimpse of Mike's private life, they come up empty on the P.J. identification.

Segment Five: Servo injures a tiny, defenseless satellite with his bow and arrow. The satellite's large, angry mother shows up to take it home. In the castle, Observer, a/k/a Brain Guy, helps Bobo with his new exposed Brain. They anger Pearl with their cooperation, so she puts an end to it by jabbing their brains.

STINGER: The blonde woman says "Moon rock? Oh wow"!

Track of the Moon Beast was a film that was heartily recommended by Paul Chaplin, a man who, on occasion, is known to go mad and recommend terrible films to people. We said no to the film, but Paul sprayed us with a knock-out gas of his own design, and then with another gas that wipes out short blocks of a person's memory, and while we were out, asked Sci Fi to secure the rights to it. I think it turned out well, but it's hard to trust my own memory, as Paul's formula worked on a more general level than I think even he had planned.
I do remember laughing far more than is appropriate at Johnny Longbow's pompous demeanor and especially at his apparent pique over being asked what was in his stew. Perhaps it's best that I'm no longer a comedy writer because, when watching it months later I laughed hard at the following exchange:
Johnny Longbone: "I know what you're thinking".
Crow: "I'm boring and my slide show eats"
- Mike Nelson

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If for some reason this fine film isn't available on video, I believe Bad Moon and Half Human are films every bit as dreadful as Track of the Moonbeast.

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