Monstervision's Joe Bob Briggs Looks At

Heathers (1989)

(From Joe Bob's Ultimate B Movie Guide)
The first movie that has something GOOD to say about teen suicide, this excellent black comedy stars Winona Ryder as the high school princess who can't decide whether to be popular or to be human, so she starts murdering all the girls named Heather, then decides she shouldn't be doing it and it's all her weird-beard psycho boyfriend's fault (Christian Slater, doing his Jack Nicholson imitation). The first murder is an accident when they dare Heather Number One to drink some liquid Drano. Whoops! It's the most popular funeral in the history of the school, but how to explain it? A suicide note! It's dramatic, the media will love it, it's full of "troubled youth" material for TV. But once you kill one Heather, who can stop?
No breasts.
Five dead bodies.
One dead Barbie doll.
Exploding buildings.
Exploding teenager.
Finger rolls.
Strip croquet.
Gratuitous Cliff's Notes.
Gratuitous Swatch.
Gratuitous issue of Stud Puppy Magazine.
Liquid Drano Fu.
With Kim Walker as the Head Heather ("I told Dennis if he gave me another political topic I'd spew burrito chunks"), Carrie Lynn as Martha Dumptruck the fat girl, Shannen Doherty as Heather No. 2 ("Grow up, Heather--bulimia is so eighty-seven!"), Penelope Milford as the school counselor who sponsors a "talk and feel together" assembly on teen suicide, Patrick Labyorteaux as an obnoxious jock ("When I get that feeling, I need sexual healing"), Mark Carlton as the father of a dead jock who grieves by his coffin ("My son was a homosexual and I love him--I love my dead gay son"), Lisanne Falk as Heather No. 3 who stuffs thirty pills in her mouth ("Suicide is a very private thing"), Jennifer Rhodes as the mom who sees her daughter hanging from the ceiling of her room ("I should have let you take that job at the mall"). Slater has the best line: "Maybe I am killing everyone in the school, but nobody loves me." Written by Daniel Waters, who makes poetry out of the term "phlegm glob" and writes lines like "Great pate, Mom, but I have to motor if I'm gonna make it to the funeral" and "If you were happy every day of your life, you wouldn't be a human being-- you'd be a game show host." 4 stars

2000 Joe Bob Briggs. All Rights Reserved. Not an AOL Time-Warner Company in this lifetime.
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