Monstervision's Joe Bob Briggs Looks At

976-EVIL (1989)

The charge for the first two minutes is . . . YOUR SOUL

(From Joe Bob's Ultimate B Movie Guide)

"The charge for the first two minutes is ... YOUR SOUL" in the only movie DIRECTED by Robert Englund, better known as Freddy Krueger himself. Stephen Geoffreys, the nerd kid from FRATERNITY VACATION and Fright Night, starts dialing up the day-uh-vil on a 976 number in an effort to get lucky with an ex-Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader named Lezlie Deane. Unfortunately, not even the Head Demon can ASSURE a date with a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader, so Stephen ends up getting the bejabbers beat out of him by the arracudas gang. Pretty soon he's drawing pentagrams on the floor of his room, lighting candles, sweating a lot, and . . . I guess you know what's coming . . . mutilating his pet spider. What would drive a nice young kid to do such a thing? Only one thing: his mother is Sandy Dennis, looking even scarier than she did in PARENTS, with her face able to move in sex or seven directions at once. Basically what we've got is a flick that answers the question "What would happen if Satan got a 976 number and started giving out advice?" Answer: the advice is pretty good, but the billing system will kill you. Just wait till the end of the month, when Mama finds out.
Two breasts.
Nine dead bodies.
One dead parrot.
One guy burned up by a pay phone.
Woman killed by a phone store--not IN a phone store, BY a phone store.
Check slashing.
Double heart ripping.
Dead fish raining from the sky.
Toilet dunking.
Lunch-money extortion.
Upside-down aardvarking on a Lazy Boy recliner.
TV-dinner-dwelling spiders.
Flesh-eating cats.
Hand rolls.
Neon pitchfork electrocution.
Character actor flushing.
Only movie ever made where hell actually freezes over.
Gratuitous frog dissection.
Dempster Dumpster Fu.
Englund steals his own finger-knife trick and uses it in the big scene where the nerd kid starts turning into a pig-face demon-possessed devil-worshipping maniac.
Sandy Dennis has the best line: "God'll get you for this, you evil insubordinate little bastard!"
3.5 stars

2000 Joe Bob Briggs. All Rights Reserved. Not an AOL Time-Warner Company in this lifetime.

For this and other movie reviews by the artist formerly known as the host of MonsterVision, go to Joe Bob


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