Interview Lady 02: another interview with the Season 2 characters. Calmwood Mental Hospital is a big thing this time. Cody is really obsessed with his elders and he enjoys singing. Davis has some problems getting along with others. And Joe is really into dissection.
I retroactively apologize for the bits about communications. They may or may not be funnier on an in-joke level.
---
All right! Happy Interview Lady is back and as bad as ever. Interviewing Season 2 Digi Destined again…none of them wanted to come back. It took quite a bit of convincing. In fact, it took a bit of trickery…see background notes:
Tai: We hung a cardboard cut-out of Myotismon outside his window, and chased him with it until we got him locked in the production studio.
Kari: Offered her $6 million (unknown to her, in Digi Dollars) to come back on the air. She was the only one we had nothing more interesting to do to than bribe.
Sora: It was tough tearing her away from her Sailor Moon cartoon…finally, we let her wear her school uniform, which she insists transforms her into Sailor Sora.
Matt: Busted his guitar, what else? He was only too willing to pay the ransom of an hour with Interview Lady to get a new one.
Davis: We told him TK was going on a date with Kari in the building on the street corner of 119 and Jerry Lane.
TK: We told him Davis was going on a date with Kari in the building on the street corner of 119 and Jerry Lane.
Mimi: Dangled designer clothing in front of her until she followed it into our recording room.
Cody: We just got his grandfather to tell him to go to the studio.
Izzy: We told him everybody else was going to an important meeting and they forgot to tell him.
Joe: *yawns* Oh, this was hard. All we had to do was tell him there were lab animals at the building and he ran there as fast as he could.
Yolei: Nobody could think of a way to trick her…so we just roped her with a lasso and dragged her off kicking and screaming to Interview Lady’s production studio.
And of course, the Digimon are magnetically attached to their owners.
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Day 1:
IL: HAH! You tried to keep me off the air…but I’m back! Complete with violence, usually-beeped out profanity, and more violence. With a few questions mixed in. And all of it funny, funny, funnny!
But, can you imagine, some people actually tried to file LAWSUITS against me? Who’d do somethin’ like that?
Davis: Gee, no idea…
IL: Yeah, ‘cause I got a little violent with the Animorphs -
Izzy: Animorphs?
IL: -, somebody got all prissy and said it was "ooooh, ever so gross, I’m never listening to it again!"
Izzy: Ummm….excuse me. I’m not sure how you define gross, but *I* was electrocuted!
Tai: Yeah, and first I went insane, and THEN that stupid Gabumon practically tore my leg off! AND I electrocuted myself!
Izzy: That’s because you are an ignorant, simple minded twit.
Tai: Huh?
Izzy: You’re stupid.
Tai: Oh. TAKE THAT BACK, you…you…
Izzy: "Over-achieving computer technician with the highly-incomprehensible speech?"
Tai: YEAH! *dives at Izzy, fists flying*
Izzy: *calmly sticks his foot out*
Tai: AAAAAAAAH! *lands on Tentomon, who reacts much like a hornet to being crushed*
Tentomon: ZAP! *shocks Tai*
Tai: *rolls over, twitching* Stupid…bug…
Tentomon: A bug-type Digimon, actually. Beetle, to be specific.
Matt: YEAH?? Well, what about me?
Sora: What ABOUT you? As far as I remember, YOU were bouncin’ around with 4 girlfriends at the time…wasn’t Jun one?
Matt: EEEK! Jun! The TERROR…
IL: *looks interested* What happened with you and Jun?
Matt: I HAD TO GO ON A DATE WITH HER!!
TK: Uh…if she was your girlfriend, why didn’t you really date her before?
Matt: I DON’T KNOW!! All I know is that she showed up in a smelly T-shirt with porcupine hair and kept, like, gazing at me all night!
Mimi: Oh, SHUT UP, nobody cares about your stupid dates.
TK: Why? Because YOU’VE never gone out with him either?
Mimi: *sobs* It’s a LONG-DISTANCE relationship!
IL: Break it up, break it up. Come on, say something funny! This is a comedy hour,
Yolei: You said interview hour!
IL: Yeah, well, after what happened last time "interview" didn’t really fit the bill any more. Although I do still ask a few questions. Like this one, for example…what’s it like being back in your favorite recording studio?
Davis: Stupid.
Tai: Terrifying.
TK: FAVORITE radio station? I’m not AT the heavy metal station!
Sora: Infuriating because that little PUNK…STILL has my goggles and -
Mimi: Very bad for my health. I could get, like, a stress fracture from all the stress!
Izzy: Mimi, a stress fracture is what happens when you break your leg after a strenuous workout.
Mimi: Oooh, thank goodness there’s no chance of that happening!
Yolei: Waste of time.
Cody: Confusing. Don’t ALL of you live by the sayings of the elders?
Matt: Makes me want to start fighting.
Izzy: Frightening. And also painful.
Tai: Painful. I forgot painful.
Joe: Cuts into precious lab experimentation time.
Kari: I. HATE. YOU.
IL: Why?
Kari: *slams down a bag* Because I had to get HER in order to collect my $6 million for being on the air. Ungrateful rat.
TK: Is that Gatomon??
Kari: YES. Stupid ***** of a cat killed 2 dogs at the shelter, so I had to go take her out. I tried to drown her, but she came back!
Cody: *starts singing* The cat came back, the very next day, the cat came back, they thought he was a goner but the cat came back, [s]he just couldn’t stay awaaaaay…
Gatomon’s muffled voice: I HATE THAT SONG! YOU DIE NOW! *furious scratching sounds*
Kari: Of course, in order to get her out of the cat pound, we had to rope her with a choke chain and lock her in an iron box. I could let her out though…see? I have a key.
IL: Kari? Why don’t you wait a bit.
Kari: Why? Gatomon’s P.O.ed at Cody and I hate Cody, so now’s a perfect time!
IL: It’ll be funnier later. And remember, more money if you cooperate.
Kari: *mutters* Stupid Hollywood contractors. FINE.
Davis: WHY am I still here?? I should be in the Digiworld! I only destroyed 256 spires today! *mutters* I hate leading that stupid bunch of losers.
TK: Who said you were the leader? I am SO more qualified! I have EXPERIENCE!
Davis: And I have a brain.
Hawkmon: Everyone has a brain. The true question is, how well does the brain function-
Matt: *tying Hawkmon’s beak shut*
My words are far more important. *clears his throat* Davis, you are SUCH a thick-skulled jerk!! Honestly, there is some malfunctioning gene in the Motimiya family. I don’t think I WANT to meet the parents.
Davis: This from a guy whose parents split up the little kids like furniture?
Matt: WHO TOLD YOU THAT??
Davis: All right, you wanna go? *pokes Matt*
Matt: Ahh….probably not a good idea to poke me.
Davis: *mockingly* "Probably not a good idea to poke me!"
Matt: *sigh* As you wish. *punches Davis and blackens his left eye*
Davis: $@!!#@#! *swings wildly at Matt and misses* VEEMON!!!
Veemon: (who is lying on a chair, calmly sipping lemonade) Hm? Did you say something?
Davis: Don’t start that again…OW-URGH! *yelps in a distorted voice as Matt takes the opportunity of distraction to dislocate Davis’ jaw*
Matt: Hehehe.
Davis: 9-1-1!!!!!! HEEEP! *runs out the door to the hospital…missing the one across the street and heading 8 miles down the road*
WHY IS THE HOSPITAL SO FAR AWAY???
IL: *cheers* Dudical! It’s only been 3.6 minutes and I already have someone running to the hospital. Very cool.
Matt: Thank you.
TK: MATT, he was younger than you!
Matt: And he still is. You wanna join him?
TK: I’m your brother. You wouldn’t dare. You vowed to protect me.
Matt: You said you didn’t need me to protect you anymore.
TK: That was 5 years ago! I was 8!
Matt: I hold a grudge.
TK: I’ll…I’ll…tell Jun you wanna go out with her again!
Matt: *paling* Dear God no…
IL: Mebbe later we will. Much as I like the two of you fighting…
Cody: That’s Davis’s line. You shouldn’t steal other people’s words and pass them off as your own. My-
IL: Magic Grandpappy told you that, I know. Do I CARE? No.
*door opens and Davis comes back in*
Davis: *grumpily* I’m fixed. Now explain to me who the freaky old lady that dragged me off the road and fixed me is.
IL: Oh, that’s Madame Pomfrey. I figured if I let you guys come back into my studio, there would be a lot of bloodshed, and I didn’t want to waste time for you to get sewn up at the hospital. So I wrote to Hogwarts, the wizarding school, and they loaned me their nurse.
Davis: I’m starting to hate Hogwarts.
IL: Okay. Sooo…why did you act so shocked when the glasses came off Ken? For one thing, you all saw the TV report on Perfect Ken Ichijouji on the news. He looks exactly the same, the only difference being his spiked hair, glasses, and a cape. Did you not recognize his voice when he spoke to you at the soccer game?
Yolei: Eyes are the image.
IL: You can see his eyes through the glasses.
Davis: During the GAME? What idiot would think about evil Emperors in a SOCCER game???
IL: Very few idiots…mostly intelligent people. Well, anyway…hey Davis, how come Ken started bleeding when you slide tackled him? Which by the way is illegal.
Davis: Um…he wasn’t wearing shin guards? And I didn’t slide tackle him, I slipped with my foot out.
IL: Soccer cleats aren’t sharp enough to cut, not even the new, sycthe-shaped ones. And why wouldn’t he wear shin guards, since he’s such a good soccer player?
Davis: Umm…ALL RIGHT! I was wearing baseball cleats! But, you don’t know how much Ken was pissin’ me off…I’m the best player on my team, and he - literally - ran circles around me! I had to do SOMETHING to get my anger out. Cutting Ken seemed like a good response. My science teacher said violence is okay as long as you’re consistent.
IL: What about the tackle?
Davis: …I BRIBED THE OFFICIALS! IS THAT A CRIME?!
IL: Yes.
Davis: Forget I said that.
IL: No.
Davis: I’ll pa you 200 yen!
IL: Oooh goody, I can by TWO compliments by the professional complimenter.
[a/n: Last week, anime invasion. The commercial guy said "for 100 yen, you can have a professional compliment given to you in Japan"]
Now, Yolei, what was with you abusing your poor Poromon? He was bein’ squashed like a stress reliever!
Yolei: He IS a stress reliever. And besides, he bit me earlier. Remember, violence is okay as long as you’re consistent.
IL: He doesn’t have teeth. By the way, who IS this violent science teacher?
Yolei: Professor Arney. He also told us that light isn’t real, it’s only the absence of dark. And those aren’t light bulbs. They are DARK-SUCKERS!
IL: We’re gonna have to call up this Arney character someday. He sounds interesting.
Hawkmon: Listen to ME, not her!! I pinched her finger in my beak because she only let me eat 15 pounds of candy!
IL: BTW, what IS your tab?
Yolei: About $8,199.43. I’m secretly bringing the store down from the inside.
IL: Why? YOUR family owns the store.
Yolei: So we’ll have to move away and I won’t have to share an apartment building with kids who worship Dances With Wolves.
IL: Still callin’ yourself Stands With A Bucket, TK?
TK: Nope, I’ve changed it again.
IL: Back to Takeru?
TK: Heck no! Now I wanna be AngeLord.
Davis: *mutters* Shut up…
TK: Yup. I already have Angemon and MagnaAngemon, with Angewomon nearby, and I’m currently working with Joe to create Angebabymon and Angedinosaurmon and Angesoccerplayermon.
Davis: SHUT - UP!
TK: *gleefully* And my new theme song is "Black Angel", and, well, I just feel sorry for anyone who doesn’t have an angel.
Davis: That’s it, you’re goin’ DOWN!
*vicious fighting insues*
IL: Security! *guards drag the 2 apart…Davis has another black eye and a split lip; TK has long red lines on his cheek from Davis’ nails and is missing a piece of hair*
Kari: Davis, you SCRATCHED him? And pulled his HAIR?
Tai: Davis, are you SURE you’re mentally sound? ‘Cause that’s what GIRLS do.
Davis: Well, it worked.
TK: No it didn’t.
Yolei: All right you two, stop.
Davis: Who made you the referee?
TK: Yeah, MOM.
Matt: Mom’s here? Hide!
IL: Grrrrr….
*5 minute break*
IL: So, what do you all want to talk about next?
Tai: You know, it’s just occurring to me that I’m 15 and I wake up in a cold sweat dreaming that wooden puppets are coming to kill me. Is this normal?
Izzy: I am 14, and I run screaming away from clowns.
Matt: I tore all the keychains off my backpack because I thought Piedmon made them.
Joe: I walked into a church this one time…there was an angel painting on the wall. I fled away in a panic because I thought a devil might come floating out.
Sora: Yeah? Well I can’t look at pictures of primates in case I start screaming.
Mimi: We learned about Pleiosaurus in school. I thought it was Seadramon and I fainted.
TK: You know what’s even worse than those fears? The fact that we were almost killed by a marionette, a circus clown, and a singing monkey.
Kari: Yeah, that’s pretty pathetic. I mean, vampires and devils I can handle. Those were almost worth fighting. But then you add in the fact that we all also almost got ourselves killed by listening to a bowling ball with wings.
Not to mention me almost dying because my incompetent brother couldn’t find me Tylonol in a huge city full of hospitals-
Tai: I ALMOST GOT KILLED OVER YOU! Not to mention that I CRIED in front of another guy-
Matt: Ooooh, you didn’t tell us about that one. Big manly Tai CRIED? *gleefully* Hey Izzy, gimme your computer. I gotta get online and send some e-mail.
Tai: YOU JERK! *takes a flying leap at him and misses, hitting the ground*
Matt: *spits his gum out on Tai’s hair* Tai, you can’t even manage to punch anybody properly. That time in the straitjacket must’ve had a negative effect on muscle control.
Tai: I CAN SO! I hit you four-
Matt: There’s gum in your hair.
Tai: WHAT?? *tears frantically at his hair, mashing it in more thoroughly*
HELP ME! MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR!!
Madame Pomfrey: That’s not that hard to fix, kid. *takes out a pair of scissors and shears large locks of hair off*
Tai: AHHHHHHHHHHH!! MY PERFECT HAIR!!!!! *runs out the door to Calmwood Mental Hospital*
---
*15 minutes later*
Calmwood Mental Hospital Security: We found the Myostismon kid raving outside outside the door. I believe he’s supposed to be in here?
Tai: *covering his head with his hands* I’m a freak…don’t look at me…
IL: Thanks, we’ll take him from here. *takes a large needle and jabs it into Tai’s arm* SEDATE, **** you, SEDATE!
Tai: Weee….pretty colors…
IL: Since when did Lisa make a Pretty Colors tranquilizer?!
Tai: Bob, get out of the colors! Oh no, Angelina has a purple crayon…I wanted VIOLET!
IL: *sighs heavily* Pack it up…I guess we’ll have to continue tomorrow.
All: WOOHOO!
*everybody runs out the door…and hits the doorframe*
Sora: Get outta my way, jerks! I have to go home and catch a plane to America!
Mimi: No way, America sucks. Let’s go to Canada. Canadians are cool.
Izzy: China! China’s always peaceful. Or maybe India…
Davis: I wanna be like Ken. He’s my idol. Let’s run away to the Digiworld!
TK and Kari: Hawaii.
Davis: HAWAII?? Nuh-uh, not by yourselves, I’m coming with.
TK: *shrugs* We’re gonna go drown ourselves, you?
Davis: Oh…in that case, how ‘bout TK goes off one end and I’ll stay by and help Kari?
Joe: If suicide’s the way to go, why don’t you come with me? You can slash your wrists with a scalpel, bleed to death by way of my Cat O Nine Tails, borrowed from Ken, or just chloroform yourself. All you have to is agree to be my test subjects.
Veemon: Tests? Okay. Maybe he’ll have multiple choice!
IL: *Slamming and locking the door* Nuh-uh. Nobody’s skipping the country. OR killing themselves. *snatches a knife away from Cody*
Cody: Aww…
IL: You can all stay right here in our jail cells.
Yolei: Since when does a radio station have jail cells??
IL: Well, you know, with the people I bring in I thought it’d be a good addition.
Matt: What else have you added on?
IL: Nothing else. Oh, power lock doors and windows. *pushes a button and iron bars slam over the window Sora’s running at*
Sora: D***.
IL: See you tomorrow everybody.
TK: Hey, where are you going?
IL: Home, of course. Just because YOU have to sleep on stone floors in the jail cells doesn’t mean I have to.
Izzy: Proodigous! While she’s gone Gatomon or Cody can use their death rays to bust the bars!
IL: ‘Course, I’ll leave my security here. Extra, actually. Dudley, Dursely, and Snape will be here all night.
Davis: **** Hogwarts.
------------
DAY 2:
IL: So, how was your night in the jail cells?
Kari: MY AGENT’S GONNA HEAR ABOUT THIS.
IL: *rolls her eyes* Like I didn’t already bribe him.
Tai: My back…stabbing pain…
Izzy: Ya know, you COULD have just gotten off that rock.
Tai: BUT I’M LAZY!
TK: I was three feet away from Davis. And it was an "other" Thursday. ^_^
Sora: EWWWWWW!! *all scoot away from Davis*
Davis: Umm…IL, you wanna help me out?
IL: Not really. It’s kinda funny watching you being humiliated.
Davis: #$!^@!
IL: A-a-ah, no swearing.
Davis: $#@@!!^%%^#!!$@!!!%$@!!%$$!!!##@@!!!!!!!
IL: Hey, what was everybody’s biggest regret in the Digiworld?
Sora: I never got to roast a Yokomon! All that time, there were hundreds of them in that village. I could have popped, roasted, kicked, and squished a million and they wouldn’t have been missed.
Biyomon: I was a Yoko! You wouldn’t hurt me!
Sora: *snort* Yeah right.
Oooh, I wanna hurt Yokos. *fingers twitch* Gimme a Yoko. Anybody got a Poromon, by chance? Or a Koromon? They’d be almost as good. Weee….
*sings to the tune of Row Row Row Your Boat*
"Kill, kill, kill the Yokos
Pop them ‘til they scream…
Merrily merrily merrily merrily
Roasting them’s a dream"
Yolei: Sora, anyone who dreams about popping open pink radishes is just…*thinks, then quotes Woody*
"You are a sad, strange little [wo]man."
Tai: I never got to fight with Joe. Heere, Joe, I just wanna punch you once.
Joe: Way ahead of you. *stabs him with a hypodermic needle*
IL: What’s in there? I can’t keep postponing the interview because we have to keep injecting Tai.
Joe: Nothing unusual. Just some pain-amplifiers that will go to work in four or five hours.
IL: Okay. Mimi?
Mimi: I hiked for WEEKS in the sun, and I NEVER got a tan. Not ONE ounce of color. Don’t you find this ODD?
Matt: Not really…ODD is building memorials to little green snotballs…
Kari: I was 8. Do you have something AGAINST 8 year olds?
Matt: Actually yeah…8 year olds are so annoying. Anyway, my regret is that I never got to kill that stupid entity for interrupting the fight of a lifetime. Me and Metalgarurumon vs. Tai and Wargreymon? Talk about cool.
Actually, I should have just strangled Kari while she was possessed…then I would have killed 2 birds with one stone. Er, 2 annoyances with one noose.
Come to think of it, I should have done something about Davis while I was at it. Those Vegiemon would have done a great job if stupid Veemon hadn’t gotten in the way-
IL: Well, I - HAVE - to ask you some "normal" questions. Non-digimon related. In the hopes you won’t attack each other (HA).
What do you like best about school?
Mimi: Anything that doesn’t involve learning about dinosaurs or jungle animals.
Yolei: Gym. Gym is cool. ‘Cause you learn archery. Hey Cody, wanna come over and help me practice?
Cody: Shut up. Yolei and Ken, sittin’ in a-
Yolei: *kicks his mouth shut* YOU shut up! *eyes start watering* My dreamboat…sniff…KEN!!!
IL: I TOLD the producers they’d still attack each other. Do they listen? Of course not.
Izzy: Computer, naturally. How else could I hack into secret U.S. government - I mean, I really like it when we put on talent shows. I’m very humorous.
TK: Band. Defintiely band.
IL: What do you play?
TK: I think I play, like, drums? Only I mostly sleep. School’s pretty hard.
Matt: Guitar. Guitar class is cool. Only they, like, make me play scales and stuff? And I’m like, "dude, I’m a rock star, I just jam!" and they like, don’t care! Jerks.
Kari: School sucks. I mean, school blows. Come to think of it…
Tai: If you say what I think you’re gonna say, I’ll disown you.
Kari: Fine. I like my love triangle, happy??
Tai: Not really.
Davis: Love triangle?
Joe: I like biology. It’s really fun. There’s various animal parts in jars all over the room, and we get to cut up all sorts of wonderful formaldehyde-soaked creatures like cats and pig fetuses and frogs and rabbits.
Mimi: NOT FUZZY BUNNIES???!!!!
Joe: Only the fuzziest ones. Except they aren’t very fuzzy when we’re done. More slimy.
Mimi: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!
Yolei: WHY CAN’T YOU CUT UP POROMONS???
Joe: Actually, me ‘n Ken tried that once. Funny little things they are too. See, they have 3 blue hearts, and green blood, and no digestive tract…
Veemon: Stop it!
Armadillomon: Yeah, you’re making me hungry!
Hawkmon, in is stuffed shirt voice: Unfair prejudice against birds in this room! Extremely unfair!
Patamon: Chicken ona stick, that’s what you look like to me. Where’s Gabumon? I wanna use his horn to shish-kabob you.
Gabumon: Heeere, Hawky-Hawky-Hawkmon…
Hawkmon: Tempest wing!
*nothing happens*
Oh yeah…I’m not Halsemon. Yolei, quick, help me armor digivolve!
Yolei: I left my D-3 at home. Wait, I’ll just say the magic words. "Diggy-Farmer, enter, guys!"
Hawkmon: IMPUDENT YOUNG…
IL: *throws a net over Gabumon and Patamon* Snacktime is not now.
Gabumon & Patamon: Awww…
IL: Okay. Now…
Sora: Wait, I didn’t say mine yet!
IL: Okay.
Sora: I LOVE school. I LOVE the LOVING atmosphere and I LOVE the people and -
Yolei: If you’re trying to make me feel guilty about taking the egg of love, I don’t give a Raichu’s rump.
Mimi: What’s a Raichu?
Yolei: A really scary rodent. Exactly like Pikachu but bigger.
Tai: PIKACHU? WHERE????
Cody: A PIKACHU IS IN HERE?! Help.
IL: SHUT UP, you dorks. There aren’t any weird Pikachu in here, nor anywhere, and there is absolutely nothing to fear…
*weird music begins in the distance*
Kari: What the…
Voices: TELE-tubbies, TELE-tubbies…
TK: Oh…MY…GOD…
Voices: TINKY-Winky…DIPsy…LAla…and PO…(Po!)
Davis: Mommy!
Tinky Winky: Eh-ohhh!
Kari: What does that mean?
Yolei: Translated from Teletubbese…I think he said "Hello."
Cody: You are literate in Teletubbese…why?
Izzy: Teletubbese isn’t even a word, dimwits!
Kari: Shut upp…you’re makin’ it mad…
Lala: *looks naïve* Go, o, again again!
Yolei: Umm…I think he just said "We are the English Teletubbies. Who wants to come with us to our Magical Land where rabbits live everywhere and comprehensible speech is not allowed and vacuum cleaners are alive?"
*pandemonium breaks out*
Matt: HELP ME GOD! I MEAN BUDDHA! I MEAN, WHOEVER’S THE REAL GOD!!!
Tai: SAVE ME MYOSTIMON!! *runs around like a chicken until he hits the wall and blacks out*
Izzy: Screw Apocalymon and the Dark Masters, THIS is hardcore, R-rated terror!
TK: THE PURPLE ONE’S TOUCHING ME!!!
Sora: Do you know, he has a mighty sick name…
Mimi: NO! GET AWAY! OOOOH, MY WHITE DESIGNER CHEERLEADING MINISKIRT!!
Patamon: Boom bubble, pah! *hits Dipsy*
Dipsy: *turns around, eyes glowing red, and fires a laser beam from the horn on its head*
Tai: Since when can they shoot lasers????????
IL: Since Springfield got a hold of them. Just be lucky Mr. Rogers isn’t here.
Dipsy: ROOOOOOOOOAR! *all the Teletubbies turn and follow him, chasing Patamon*
Patamon: I’ll…I’ll turn rabid again! Boom bubble pah! PAH, I tell you, PAH!
(The teletubbies ignore his threats and run after him, chattering "e-oh, e-oh, again, again, again!")
IL: So…
Yolei: *shakes* So awful…the terror…those fat, frightening THINGS…
IL: Let’s take a break to cool down.
*10 minutes later*
IL: Well, we are all okay…I think…
Matt: OKAY?! Who could possibly be OKAY after an encounter with the TELETUBBIES?!?!?!
IL: I dunno. You want me to pay for a psychologist?
Matt: A PSYCHO logist??? NUH-UH! Calmwood Mental Hospital for me.
IL: Later. Hey Cody, still calling yourself Murders With Eyes?
Cody: No. I consulted my Very Esteemed Grandfather and the spirit of my Wise And Beloved Father and we all decided I should call myself Dances With Food.
IL: I like it. *tosses a grain of rice at him* Cody, catch!
Cody: AH! NEVER THROW FOOD! I can’t believe you would try that!!
IL: *shakes her head sadly* Me neither. *grinning, pulls out a ripe watermelon and drops it*
Oops.
Cody: *bursts into hysterics* NOOOOOOOO!! THE HORROR!!!!!! THE WASTE!!!!!!!!!!
Mimi: You want I should bring him to Calmwood?
IL: Who’s booked for that, anyway? Tai and Matt and now Cody…I think we should wait until it’s over and then dump them all off.
Soo…
IL: What do you hate more than anything in the world?
Matt: The Motimiyas
Davis: TK
TK: Davis
Kari: Gatomon
Yolei: Paying for food
Cody: Mom and Grandma. They never say anything useful.
Joe: Crest of Reliability. You know why? Because the Crest of Sincerity is MINE! It says so in the Japanese version! MIMI has the Crest of Purity. There is no such thing as the "crest of reliability". Baka English writers. Baka Bob…Ban…somehtin’ or other…
Sora: Davis the Goggle-stealer
Mimi: Japan
Tai: Scissors
Matt: Wait, I hate acoustic guitars too. OH, and my harmonica.
TK: If Matt gets more than 1 thing, so do I. I also hate optimists.
Davis: And I hate Ken. He made me look stupid during soccer. Wait, I love Ken. He’s my idol. I mean…
Izzy: Shut up.
IL: Okay, what is your most prized possesion?
Sora: Tennis racket. Useful for hurting people.
*thwacks Davis* GIMME MY GOGGLES!
Davis: Baseball cleats.
*slide tackles Sora* NO!
Sora: Suke, you goin’ DOWN! *fight continues*
TK: ME NEXT! Mine would have to be my angel collection. Angel fan club, angel posters, angel books, angel figurines, angel paintings….
Davis: Are you TRYING to - OW!!
(Sora has taken the opportunity to smash his fingers between the table and her racket)
Davis: ALL RIGHT, TAKE THE **** GOGGLES! *rips them off and throws them at her, then retreats to a corner, sniffling and hiccuping*
Davis: I loved those goggles…
Sora: Tee-hee! Let’s see what happen when I strap the goggles to a rock and throw it out the window into the lake.
Davis: Nooooooo…my goggles…
Tai: My free admission card to Calmwood Mental Hospital.
Joe: My scalpel. See, I slice into the Teletubby like so…
Po: Oooh-ooh…
Mimi: Joe.
Joe: Mimi, don’t even start.
Mimi: But I was gonna say, "Joe, let me help you slice that red plop apart! It ruined my skirt!"
Joe: Then in that case… *Mimi grabs a knife and, grinning, they attempt to draw and quarter the Teletubby*
Mimi: They did this on Braveheart! It looked really painful.
IL: You people are just sickeningly violent…
Tai: And you like it.
IL: Well, it IS pretty funny…
Joe: *slicing open the red body* WHAT THE - there’s nothing in here!
Mimi: This thing feels no PAIN?
Kari: D***
Joe: *making a tiny cut in the head* No brain either!
Izzy: Well, DUH.
Joe: *G* Thinkin’ what I’m thinking?
Mimi: Oh yeah.
Together: "PUNCHING BAG!!!!"
(Joe and Mimi gleefully hang the Teletubby from the ceiling and proceed to kick, punch, and clobber it, basically tearing it apart.)
IL: Well, while they vent several years worth of frustration on Po, I’M going to ask a question…
TK: Which reminds me, you wanna know what really gay thing we had to do in Communications?
IL: No.
TK: We had to write a poem about what COLOR we wanted to be.
Yolei: I wanna be the color purple.
Kari: That is such a sick book.
Cody: I’d be pale green…the color of softly dancing willow fingers trailing over shining waters deep.
All: *staring at him*
Cody: What??
Tai: I dunno…we just figured you’d say something like "Brown, the color of brownies" or "yellow, the color of macaroni and cheese". I mean, your name IS Dances With Food.
Cody: "If you waste food, you’re really rude!"
All: Ah, there we go.
Cody: *whispering* Phew! They haven’t found out yet about my secret, weird love of trees…
IL: Ya know what, I think we should go to the phone lines. Caller 1?
Caller 1: Hi! My name is G.O.Y.A.Y.!
TK: What’s that stand for? Girl On Youth And Years?
GOYAY: No, it stands for Goddess Of Yaoi And Yuri.
Tai: Why do I suddenly have the feeling my name is going to come up?
Matt: *coughs* I will say it again…TAITO - IS - A- FLIPPIN’ - LIE!!!!!!
Izzy: Explain to me this. WHERE is your so-called "evidence" that Jyoushiro exists?? Now, with Taito it’s rather obvious. We had the arrow scene, the Piedmon scene, the frozen island scene…
Tai: Oh yeah? Well I got a Piedmon scene for you too! JOE stayed to push you off on the little trapeze-thingy over the gorge. And what did you scream out? "JOE!!"
Izzy: Heh…*sweatdrop*
Tai: Oh yeah, and how come it was YOU two who got lost when we got off the subway? You guys are the smartest!
Joe: *coughing*
GOYAY: HAH! I knew it!!
Tai: Oh yeah, and you two were like dancing in the street together yelling for a cab…
Izzy: Let’s continue this later.
Tai: No way! I got the best scene yet! When Sora’s cousin was shaking Joe, YOU jumped on Idiot Cousin and snapped "leave him alone". Was there any particular REASON it was YOU who did that?
Mimi: *stage whisper* Tai…after he got knocked off the bridge, YOU were the one who shouted out Izzy’s name.
Tai: Nope, that doesn’t work. Because WHO jumped in to save Izzy? GOMAMON a.k.a. IKKAKUMON! Unless Joe really wanted to save Izzy, his digimon couldn’t have digi-volved. *does a little victory dance*
*to tune of "YMCA"* T…A…I! Who’s the winner it is T…A….I! He humiliates Iz, he must be such a whiz -
Izzy: DDIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! *pounces on Tai and starts pummeling him*
Sora: WHOA, lookit Izzy go! I never knew he could whup @$$ like that!!
Mimi: "What a man!"
IL: DANG, this is givin’ the island fight a run for its money! *roots in bloodlust*
Cody: Fighting is very bad. You should never resort to fighting. It’s the worst kind of sin possible-
IL: *exasperated, literally kicks Cody across the room, where he hits the wall and falls silent* SHUT UP! "You are SUCH a bad sport!"
Yolei: Not that I want to follow Cody, but don’t you have a caller on the line - AH!
IL: *kicks Yolei across the room too* Unfortunately, she’s right. GOYAY, would you like to continue?
*guards silently haul Izzy and Tai apart; Izzy is untouched and Tai’s face is a mass of purple bruises*
GOYAY: YES, I would. Now…
Sora: Well, don’t start on the Miora crap either!
Mimi: ONE Milei crack…just ONE, and I will kick your face in. And I have PLATFORM SHOES!
Yolei: What do "Taito" and "Miora" and stuff mean?
Sora: *grumpily* Stupid new characters…THEIR sexual orientation hasn’t been questioned yet…
Mimi: Except that stupid Milei junk. Why do I have to be her stupid role model?
IL: Stop saying stupid!
GOYAY: Aw, don’t worry. I thought up really cute couples.
Tai: "Yaoi" and "cute" do not belong in the same train of thought.
TK: Awwww…but Matt and Tai looked so CUTE during the Piedmon showdown …
Matt: SHUT your mouth, TK.
TK: I’m AngeLord.
Matt: No you aren’t.
TK: AM SO!
Matt: ARE NOT!
IL: SECURITY! *guards slap both boys into silence*
Drastic times call for drastic measures. Okay, GOYAY?
Tai: *interrupting* GOYAY is such a long name. Can I shorten it to Gay-gal?
GOYAY: You wanna hear my couples or not??
Cody: No.
IL: YES! NOW, you can go ahead.
GOYAY: Okay. Here’s my first thought. Tai and TK -
Tai: EXCUSE me? Me and TK?? Yipes! *runs as far away from TK as he can get*
TK: *clinging to the opposite wall* I know I hugged him when he found me at the amusement park, but GEEZ! That was 5 years ago!
GOYAY: Yeah, but see, Taito is boring-
Matt: Boring?? Horrifying, terrifying, perverted and gross doesn’t make for boring. It could be a horror movie. "The Tai Ishida Project".
GOYAY: -but I think blondes and brunettes look cute together. And the age difference could make it work better than Daikeru.
Davis: Daikeru?? As in…
TK: Me and DAVIS??? THAT’S SCARIER THAN ME AND TAI!!
Tai: Hey, speak for yourself.
GOYAY: I didn’t PUT you with Davis, now did I.
Davis: *hopefully* You didn’t put me at all?
GOYAY: Oh, I put you in. I’ll tell you later. Anyway, the next couple I thought of was Kari and Mimi.
Kari: *choking on her water and sputtering* Me and MIMI???
GOYAY: My brother thought Kari and Gatomon would look cuter.
Kari: *shrieking hysterically* Me and GATOMON?? Even in a NON perverted way that sucks!
Mimi: And you think I’d look cute with Kari…WHY? I mean, I know I’M cute, but Kari’s just ugly.
Kari: YOU aren’t getting offers to dance at the hottest nightclubs in town-
Mimi: No, I’m getting offers to model designer clothing at the best shows in the state. But I could if I wanted to. See what a non-existent waist I have? I’m a size -3.
Kari: Could not.
Mimi: Could so.
Kari: NOT.
Mimi: SO.
Kari: NOT!
Mimi: SO!
Cody: *singing* Not-so, not-so gal…I wanna be, with a not-so gal…
Mimi and Kari: STOP SINGING!!!!! *leap on him and start punching him*
GOYAY: That’s why. They have really cute lovers’ arguments, and then they team up.
Kari: GAY-GAL, I am SO going to tear you apart limb by limb.
GOYAY: Sure you are. Well, the next couple I thought of was Yolei and Sora.
Yolei: Me and SORA?
Sora: I said I’d be her FRIEND for life. I did NOT say I would be her GIRLfriend!
Though I’m doubting if I should ever talk to her again.
GOYAY: And you both have bird Digimon.
Yolei: The difference being that she loves hers and I hate mine.
Sora: WHEN HAVE I EVER ADMITTED TO LIKING THAT PINK RAG? PINK SUCKS!
Mimi: *sniffle* My hair’s pink!
Sora: Gee, take a hint Mimi.
Mimi: YOU DON’T LIKE MY HAIR???
GOYAY: And Sora’s is a girl, and Yolei’s is a boy. When Digimon like each other, their human partners, at least subconsciously, do too.
Sora: *quoting Homer* "That’s a **** lie and you know it!"
GOYAY: *yawns* Let’s see…my next thought was Davis and Matt.
Davis: MATT?!?!?! BUT HE’S THE GAY ONE!
GOYAY: Umm…that’s the point.
Matt: A MOTIMIYA?! HELP!! *Matt and Davis run to opposite ends of the room*
*Matt winds up in the same corner as Tai; and Davis with TK*
Matt, Tai, Davis, and TK, looking around: AAAAAAHHHHH!!
*All 4 engage in a wild scramble to get away, with much shoving and swearing, until they wind up in 4 separate corners, glaring at each other*
Matt: I’d just like you all to know that I completely detest all three of you.
Davis, TK, and Tai: Ditto.
GOYAY: I’m not done! This is changed slightly from my original thoughts. But now, I think that Joe and Cody would look real cute together.
Joe: I rue…no, I DETEST the day I saved your worthless butt from drowning.
Gomamon *muffled*: You didn’t do squat! Isaved him from drowning! YOU kept him from getting hypothermia.
Joe: And he drank all my **** herbal tea! Oooh…herbal tea…gimme some…NO I’m not addicted…I only drink 18 cups a day…GIMME some, you worthless jerks…jerks…
Cody: *giggles* I don’t like Joe…if I ever had a relationship it would be with a wil-
um, yeah, Joe’s cute.
Joe: WHAT?? YOU DISGUSTING, PERVERTED LITTLE-
Kari: Joe, if he’s perverted, then what do you call your obsession with dissection?
Joe: Cool.
IL: *sigh* You people are WEIRD.
GOYAY: I just thought I’d share a pleasant - EEEEEEEK! *sounds of screaming and gunshots are heard*
IL: What is that??
New Voice: Oh, yo. My name is Cassandra The Digimon Empress. Me and my gang of friends are on a mission to kill all myths of yaoi and yuri. If we’re lucky, the supporters don’t back down and we get to injure them. I have an oversized log, which I use to whack people over the head.
New Voice 2: That’s enough, Cassandra, I get to tell her about our weapons colletion! My name is Blues Narf. Me and my friends have rounded up a nice collection of weapons. See, right now I have a PP7, which you heard me firing. Garurumon has a silence glaive. And YamatoLee has a Uzi. Oh yeah, and CrazyKissess has a Garnet Orb.
Armed and ready to go, Rainbow Stevie came in toting her 1-woman bazooka and blew the walls out.
GOYAY, in the background: You may shoot me with your [guns]/You may cut me with your [glaives]/You may kill me with your hatefulness/But still, like dust I’ll [be raised]
You’ll never make me back down!
TK: Hey, she’s quoting Maya Angelou! Only…
Cody: SHE CHANGED WORDS WITHOUT EXPRESS WIRTTEN CONSENT! WHERE ARE HER ELDERS???
Gatomon: I’m a poet too! This was my best line: "What’s that big guy trying to do?/Destroy the Digi Destined and the whole city too?"
Patamon: Gatomon, shut up.
Cassandra: Well, we also have the threat of Barney.
*distant voice* I love you, you love me…
GOYAY (in the background, screaming): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! NOT BARNEY! ANYTHING BUT THAT!!
Cassandra: Okay.
*Teletubbies…*
YamatoLee: Oh wow Cassandra, that’s really harsh. Does ANYONE deserve the Teletubbies?
Cassandra: Well, you know, when they just won’t listen to violence, something’s wrong. GOYAY, you ready to back down?
GOYAY: *whimpering* Call them off…I’ll never speak of same-sex relationships again…
Cassandra: Teletubbies, OFF!
GOYAY: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
IL: Why is she still screaming?
CrazyKisses: Well, ye know, the Teletubbies have to have prey…she’s going to go with them to the Magical Land Of Happiness where rabbits are everywhere and vacuum cleaners are kept as pets. She’ll have to eat porridge all day and say nothing but "again" and "eh-oh".
Cassandra: Well, talk to you later!
IL: Okay, that was kinda weird, but who thinks she deserves it?
All: Oh, she NEEDED that.
IL: I can’t think of any more questions. Let’s open the floor up for discussion.
Yolei: OOH! OOH! ME!
IL: Yolei?
Yolei: I have a theory on why Sora should be Matt’s girlfriend.
Cody: I really hate when she starts on theories. Too much book learning. Not enough advice from the Wise And Mystical Elders.
Yolei: Oh, will you SHUT - UP?! Now, here’s my theory. See, I have here 2 turtledoves.
Cody: *sings* Two turtledoves, and a par-tri-idge in a pear treeeeeeeee….
Yolei: *cracks him on the head, rendering him unconscious...again* Here are my two turtledoves. THIS one represents LOVE, and THIS one represents FRIENDSHIP. Here’s one for Sora, and here’s one for Matt. As long as you each have a turtledove, you’ll be friends forever!
*Sora & Matt look at each other*
Matt: Why do they keep coming back to our 5 year old crests? Like we actually still have those qualities. Those were are strongest qualities NINE years ago!
Sora: *blink*…Nah. *opens the window and throws the birdie out*
Matt: Ooooh, chicken! *wrings its neck and starts getting ready to cook it* I like MY chicken with jelly beans inside.
Izzy: I prefer mine dunked in raspberry sauce, if you want to share.
IL: HEY, you aren’t supposed to kill ANIMALS in my studio!
Matt: But they did it on Survivor!
IL: There is no survival element in my studio.
Izzy: *mumbling* Says who?
Yolei: MY TURTLEDOVES! I RAISED THEM FROM BABIES!!
Kari: You picked them up off the street.
Yolei: O yeah.
Davis: That was a stupid idea. I have a better topic. We talked about this in my Communications class. Everyone talks about equality for women, yet only men have to register in case a draft is ever needed for war.
IL: Actually, the draft isn’t really needed…
Davis: Hold on, hold on, I’m going somewhere with this. Well, all this starts when they’re little. Girls play with dolls, and boys play with choo-choo trains.
Izzy: Excuse me? "Choo-choo" trains? I do not, and have never, played with "choo-choo" trains. That’s just…
TK: Gay?
Izzy: At the risk of GOYAY’s wrath, yes.
Davis: Hold up! I mean, look at the Barbie commercials. Do you ever see little boys playing with Barbies? No. It’s always girls, singing and brushing their hair.
Kari: Davis, are you trying to tell us that you want to play with Barbies?
Davis: Well, girls will always remember the Sydney Olympics because they’ll have a Barbie. But what Olympics commemoration do boys get?
Kari: So you DO want this Barbie.
TK: Sydney Olympics Barbie?? WHERE?? I gotta get it!
All: *staring at him*
TK: I mean, I use Barbie heads for arrows!
All: *staring*
TK: OH COME ON! *thinks*
Cody loves trees!
[a/n: That did it.]
Tai: LOVES? As in, maybe likes the color of the leaves? Thinks they’re fun to climb?
TK: As in "I love trees, I want to marry them, may I kiss the bark?".
All: EWWWWW!!!!
Cody: Yeah, well, Davis bites his toenails!
*attention shifts to Davis*
Sora: Yuck! Kid, I think you’re REALLY sick.
Davis: I know, I think I’m getting the flu.
Sora; Not THAT kind of sick, idiot.
Davis: *looks blank* Are you trying to say you’re lovesick over me?
Sora: *looks at him like he’s just sprouted four ears* No, you IDIOT. That is the STUPIDEST question I have ever heard.
Davis: Oh yeah? Well…well…
Tai (suddenly): I SUFFER FROM PUPAPHOBIA!
Davis: Thanks for getting me off the hook, Tai.
Tai: NO! I SUFFER FROM PUPAPHOBIA! THERE ARE PUPPETS EVERYWHERE!
Izzy: EEEEEEH! I’m having visions of clowns! Coulrophobia!!
IL: Security!
(guards soundly smack Tai and Izzy back to their senses...again)
Izzy: I do that occasionally…
Tai: Look, I have a Free Admission Card to Calmwood Mental Hospital. May I PLEASE go there now??
IL: For the last time, no! Who else has a discussion topic?
Veemon: You know what, it’s occuring to me that I’m weird…
Gatomon: (Gatomon has been let out; Kari’s holding her on a choke chain with no slack. Her paws are tied)
Just NOW occuring to you? Like attacking RedVegiemon to make Davis happy is normal? Like it’s normal to like Davis?
Veemon: Isn’t it? What I MEANT was, look at my name. YOUR names mean something. Hawkmon is a hawk-
Gatomon: He's not a hawk, you idiot, he's an eagle. A bald eagle.
Hawkmon: I AM NOT BALD!!!
Gatomon: I should have known your thick skull would have prevented you from understanding. Well, carry on.
Hawkmon: All right. As I was saying, Armadillomon is an armadillo. Gatomon is a gato-
Gatomon: It means cat, you idiot! Cat in Spanish.
Hawkmon: But you’re Japanese.
Gatomon: So?
Veemon: Yeah, but what am I? Explain to me what a "vee" is. Wait, Patamon’s weird too. He doesn’t have a meaning either.
Gatomon: It’s short for Pat-a-cakemon, doofus. ‘Cause he’s the little silly one. Well, he was until you came along.
Veemon: Meaning?
Gatomon: Well, look at this. You ever notice how many dragons there are?
There’s machine dragon, sea dragon, giga dragon, mega dragon, devil dragon, metal sea dragon, air dragon, flame dragon, bird dragon…
Sora: Birdramon’s not a dragon!!
Gatomon: Then what do you call her tooth problem?
Sora: *breaking into tears* She just hasn’t been to see Orthadontimon yet!
IL: Break it up you two. By the way, where did Joe go?
Mimi: I...don’t know!
IL: Cameras, get a lock on Joe!
Cameraman: OK.
*camera shows Joe, driving up to an apartment*
Matt: *turning white* That’s where JUN lives!!
Yolei: Jun? Oh, yeah…
(as the camera follows Joe, it shows him knocking on Jun’s door. She answers it, he whispers something to her, and she screams excitedly, runs upstairs, returns five minutes later, all dressed up, and gets in Joe’s car. They drive off.)
TK: Where are they going?
Matt (hopefully): Out on a date?
IL: Well…actually, that’s the road to get HERE.
Matt: TK! You weren’t supposed to say anything to Jun!
TK: But I didn’t…I said it to Joe…
Matt: DIIIIIEE! *lunges at TK…trips, and lands in a girl’s arms.*
Matt: *looks up* What the…
Girl: *giggles* Hi Mattsy!
(camera shoots to the outside of the building, showing that Matt’s scream has shaken the building and caused a large flock of pigeons to fly away)
Jun: We’re gonna go out on another date. It vill be ever so much fun!
Matt (looking like a trapped fox, vehemently whipping his head back and forth): No! No! Don’t let her take me away…SAVE ME!!
Joe: Yippee ding, you’re going to go eat dinner with a girl. What’s the big deal?
Matt: That’s not a girl, that’s JUN. She’s a…MOTIMIYA!!!!!!!!!
Izzy: Ooooh, I forgot that part. Quick Matt, try to jump out the window…
(his words are lost as Jun drags Matt out the door, grinning, while Matt screams and kicks and begs to be let go)
IL: Well, since we can’t save Matt, we’ll watch his date on camera.
(camera shows Matt pressed against the widow of Jun’s car, banging his fists against the window screaming)
Jun: Oh calm down. By the way, do you like my dress?
Matt: *suspiciously* You HAVE washed it within the past 2 years, haven’t you?
Jun: Oh yeah. I had it washed around 3 months ago. And I’ve only worn it twice since then. I wanted to look real nice for our special date.
Matt: *gagging noises*
Jun: Oh relax! We can have a ton of fun.
(25 minutes later, Matt and Jun are at the restaurant. Matt, looking forlorn, suddenly brightens and pulls out a small device from his pocket and pushes the "on" button.)
Cody: What’s that? Is he gonna blow the place up?
IL: Naw, we affixed him with a wire. Now, we’ll hear everything he whispers to himself.
Sora: Cool!
Matt: I have plans to be the Most Obnoxious Being ever. I have forgotten my wallet…and I’ve ordered a large seafood platter and three pieces of cheesecake. And wine.
Waiter: *putting down the food* Here you are, sir.
Matt: *cuts the food up, takes three bites, and looks disgusted* GROSS! Gimme something else. How about a burger and fries?
Waiter: We do not serve hamburgers or French fries here.
Matt: Okay. *pause* I WANT BEER! Can I have some beer?
Waiter: We do not serve beer here either.
Matt: WHAT?! *grabs the waiter by the throat and begins beating him* Give me beer, NOW!!!!!!!!!!!
Waiter: Yes…sir.
Matt: *three minutes later, having consumed 8 glasses of cheap beer* Hey June…havin’ fun?
June: Um, Matt, do you usually act this way?
Matt: Um, June, did the power go out while you were picking that dress?
June: WHAT?
Matt: I mean, does your hair always stick out like a porcupine or did you do that on purpose?
(the screen suddenly goes blank)
Sora: What happened?!?!
IL: Umm…apparently we didn’t change the batteries on time?
Izzy: Those things don’t run on batteries.
IL: Ours does. It’s special. Well, I guess we’ll jut have to wait for a while…
*30 minutes later*
IL: Oh look, it’s back on.
(Matt is in June’s car, nervously watching the speedometer climb to 53…54..55…)
Matt: Do we have to go so-
(Speedometer hits 56 mph)
Matt: AH! AH! WE’RE GONNA DIE!!
*bangs on the window, screaming, until June hits him with her purse and knocks him out*
June: I’m sure he’ll be much better next time.
Mimi: NEXT time? She wants to go out with him AGAIN?
IL: No accounting for idiots.
Davis: Yep.
Kari: Davis, that was your chance to redeem your image by sticking up for your sister.
Davis: I mean, I love June! We’re very close. The coolest big sister around. Now if she would only go out with Tai…
Sora: Nuh-uh, back AWAY from my baby.
Tai: YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE A BABY?!
Sora: *looks at him like he’s an alien from Jupiter* Are you a MENTAL case?
Tai: Well, I DO occasionally go to Calmwood-
IL: Enough with the mental hospital already!
*door opens and Matt comes back in, brushing invisible "Jun cooties" off*
Matt (sourly): It didn’t work.
IL: Oh well. *looks at her watch*
Holy cow, we’ve been here for three hours! And that’s just our time for today!
Well, I’m sorry we didn’t hear much from the Digimon, but that’s life. And- wait a second! Where’s Ken? He was the only scheduled guest on the list.
---
*camera shoots to Ken, who is flying around the digital world on his pet dragons and throwing several black rings over Ikkakumon, Birdramon, Togemon, and Kabuterimon*
Ken: Mwuhahaha! They’ll never beat me!
Wormmon: That’s it Ken! I’m tired of you pushing me around. I’m taking a STAND. I’m rallying for Wormmon rights. I think I should be treated with dignity and respect-*words are cut short as Ken slaps a black ring on him*
Wormmon: Bof! C’est tres mal.
Ken: Woops, that was the French ring. HERE’S the evil ring.
Wormmon: *zombie voice* Ken Ichijouji. Lord And Master.
---
IL: *shrugs* As long as he’s being productive.
Tai: Can we go now? Please? I’ll lose my unlimited passcard to Calmwood.
IL: ENOUGH WITH THE MENTAL HOSPITAL, TAI!
Tai: But I liiiiiiike it!
Producer: Time to go, Lady.
IL: INTERVIEW Lady.
Producer: Whatever.
IL: But we were going to call up Mr. Arney and Natalie and talk to them!
Producer: No.
IL: Fine. We’ll do it next time. See ya later - what the?
(IL is talking to an empty room)
Yeah, well, I bought commercial time so we really have 5 more minutes. Let’s turn on the hidden cameras!
Camera 1
---
(Tai, Matt and Cody running as fast as they can towards Calmwood Mental Hospital)
Tai: I see puppets and vampires everywhere and I have a hair deformity! LET ME IN!!
Matt: Ahhhh…straitjackets. So pleasant.
Cody: Faster, faster, faster! I think I see somebody out here DROPPING A CRUMB! *gets inside the mental hospital*
Mmmm...time for a song!
"We all live in a Digital World (Di-gi-mon), I wanna be the greatest fighter of them all...(greatest fighter)"
Tai: That's not the right song! You idiot! *starts singing*
"Po, po, po. Po-ke-mon. Po-ke-mon. Pokemon, they are the coolest, Pokemon are my favorites! Win...really cool-lookin' badges, to...make your slaves fight some more! (Pikachu!) [a/n: In place of Birdramon's caw] Po-ke-mon, pocketed monsters, poke-mon!"
---
Camera 2
---
(Gatomon is moving down alleyways, attacking every dog in sight)
Gatomon: Dogs! Dogs! Take that! Lightning Claw! Ha, ha, DEATH RAYS!!! *smirks*
"Cat’s Eye Hypnosis," my ***!
(dogs run away from her as fast as they can)
---
Camera 3
---
(Patamon, exhausted, is still running from bloodthirsty Teletubbies)
Patamon: Boom…bubble…pah. What are these things?! They never get tired!
(Teletubbies surround Patamon and drag him off to the Magical Land of Teletub)
---
Camera 4
---
(Joe is snickering and tying up 2 Digimon in preparation for an experiment)
Joe: Ha! I captured Veemon and Armadillomon and now I’m going to cut them up and transplant their brains!!
Veemon: Will it make Davis happy?
Armadillomon: Does it include dissected Poromon dinners?
---
Camera 5
---
(Gabumon is running after a hysterical Hawkmon, teeth bared)
Gabumon: Chicken dinner on a stick! Come here, you worthless poultry!
Hawkmon: I’m a hawk!
Gabumon: All things taste like chicken.
---
Camera 6
---
(Davis and TK are pulling Barbie after Barbie out of their backpacks)
Davis: Oooh, lookit, I got Butterfly Barbie!
TK: I got Princess Bride Barbie!
Davis: I have Limited Edition Millenium Wedding Barbie!
TK: No way! I want that one! But I sure wish we had that Olympics Barbie. She’s so cool…
Davis: Aren’t Barbies totally amazing?
TK: Yep. *sings* It’s a great, time, to be a boy!
(Davis and TK continue playing Barbies)
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IL: Aw man, I used up my 5 minutes of commercial space. See you next time.
Yes, there will be a next time. Even if I have to run it all on AD SPACE!!
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Epilogue:
IL: Aw come on, I was just kidding about the buying commercial time…
Producer: No, I think it’s a good idea. When you’ve scraped together enough cash to buy your time slot in commercial seconds, I’ll let you back on.
*producer leaves*
*IL sticks up her middle finger at his retreating back*
Lousy good for nothing…well, that’s what donations are for! Yep,we are now the FIRST listener supported televised radio program in history. Start sendin’ in those pennies and dimes!
Over and out.