Animorphs are not owned by me, but K.A. Applegate is going to loan them to me for this interview.
*notes*
Um, after I wrote all of the morphed kids’ lines in tags, I realized they wouldn’t appear on an HTMLed web page. So, instead of tags for thought-speak, I will use ^these things^.
This story is dedicated to a couple of my best friends, NC and Natalie. The story is catered to them, with special appearances made by people they know to personalize the story. This is the 2nd story involving Happy Interview Lady, and hopefully not the last
(Happy Interview Lady is a version of me).
If you didn’t read the first story, Happy Interview Lady is a televised radio program, meaning you can watch the interview in the recording studio on your TV or just listen in the car. The idea for Interview Lady’s name came from Kassey Fleck, who wrote Happy Storytime Lady, a Creative Expressions skit. So, sit back and enjoy!
IT BEGINS…
IL: Hello out there! This is the second version of the Interview Hour. Today I’m speaking with four seemingly normal, average American kids. And one hawk who claims he used to be a human, but decided it was more fun to hang out in the forest all day on a branch then it was to have a voice.
Tobias: ^I resent that comment, you pathetic excuse for an interviewer.
IL: I resent you, you pathetic pea-brained rabbit ripper.
Tobias: ^Overweight pasty face! ^
IL: Skinny leg chicken feed!
Tobias: *falls silent for a moment* ^Shut up!! ^
IL: Gee, that was a good comeback, Tobi.
Tobias: ^I’m rubber and you’re glue…how does that go again? ^
IL: So, anyway, Rachel when did they let you out of your latest insane asylum, and where exactly was it?
Rachel: I’ll never tell you any of the 27 mental institutions I’ve escaped from! HAHAHA!
IL: You realize I can see the logo on the straitjacket you’re wearing now.
Rachel: *looks down* Huh? Oh, Calmwood Mental Hospital? Yeah, it’s in Springfield. Lotta really weird people there. Like, there was this one kid that kept bouncing off the walls screaming, "I’LL KILL YOU MYOTISMON!!"
Marco: *snort* Nothing compared to what you were doing.
Rachel: If you don’t close your mouth I’ll amputate it.
Cassie: Please, don’t start fighting! I feel like crying when friends fight! *sniffles
IL: What was she doing?
Cassie: Oh, um…well, when we went to see her she was half grizzly bear and trying to claw the walls down, only she couldn’t remember how to morph so she never got more then halfway through before she went back…the rest of the time she was attempting to sweet-talk the male employees by saying she was Cindy Crawford’s best friend.
Rachel: Yeah, only it didn’t work, so I enlisted the help of Michael Jackson and he sang everybody to sleep and we ran away and got married.
Cassie: Um…Rachel, that was a dream. In reality we busted in there and killed the Yeerk employees and enabled you to walk away.
Rachel: YOU KILLED YEERKS WITHOUT ME?? GET ME OUTTA HERE, I WANNA GO ON A MURDERING SPREE!! *tries to morph elephant and fails*
Hey, what’s the big idea??
Cassie: Rachel…you’re still wearing the "In-San Brand" straitjacket. Nothing breaks it.
IL: People…and hawk…you’re really getting on my nerves. I seriously didn’t think anybody was worse than the Digi Destined kids…
Marco: OOOH! THE DIGI DESTINED! WHERE? WHERE??
IL: Well, Mimi’s in New York and…
Marco: Thanks! *runs out the door to book a flight to New York, banging into the security guards*
Hi guys…*he is picked up by the hair and dropped back in his seat*
LET ME GO!! OWWW, MY PERFECT HAIR!!
IL: *lightbulb appears over her head*
If you are very good children, you can each have a lolly pop when we’re all done, okay?
Tobias: ^I hate lolly pops. ^
IL: Or a great big raccoon carcass.
Tobias: ^Roadkill? YUMMY!!! I’ll be a good hawk-boy! ^
IL: Good! So…hey, nobody’s talked to Jake yet! Jake, why so quiet?
Jake: *hurriedly stuffing some photographs out of sight* Huhh? Oh, yeah, hi IL.
IL: What are those photos of?
Jake: *turning red* Uhh…nothing…
IL: C’mon, lemme see!
Jake: No…how ‘bout I tell you all about the time I first morphed?
IL: How ‘bout if you show us the photos? *snaps fingers and one of the guards, Crabbe, grabs the pictures from Jake* Let’s see…*grins evilly while Jake sinks low in his seat*
Rachel, you better look at these…
Rachel: HOLY HELL, he’s got perverted photos of me! GROSS! I know I’m stunning, but MY GOD! WE’RE COUSINS!
Jake: Second cousins, twice removed.
Rachel: NOT.
Cassie: *eyes fill with tears* JAAAAKE!! YOU SAID YOU LOVVEED ME! Loooved…meee…[a/n: Picture his voice baaing like the lamb pleading to Lisa on The Simpsons]
Marco: *unnoticed, swipes the photos and flips through them while Tobias peers over his shoulder*
Tobias: ^Hehe…^
Jake: Umm…umm…it’s not what it looks like…
Rachel: WHAT, YOU’VE GOT MORE OF THESE??
Jake: NO! I SWEAR TO GOD! I ONLY HAVE THOSE…and the ones under my pillow…
Cassie: *bursting into full-blown sobs* NO! NO! JAAAKE! *morphs to wolf and begins howling*
Rachel: YOU LITTLE PERVERT! I SHOULD REPORT YOU TO TOM RIGHT NOW!
Jake: Like, Tom the Yeerk or Tom the abusive older brother?
Rachel: BOTH!
Jake: Gotta go…*morphs cockroach*
Rachel: *pulls out a jar* GOTCHA!
Jake: ^****, that was not supposed to happen…^
IL: Can we restore a LITTLE bit of order? Rachel, I promise that I will let you hack Jake to pieces as soon as the interview is over.
Jake: ^That is not comforting…^
IL: Jake, I’ll save you if you come outta morph.
Rachel: Liar! Backstabber! *wiggles out of her straitjacket, morphs grizzly and rushes at Interview Lady*
IL: *pulls out a shotgun* I’ll show you my license AFTER I get a bearskin rug.
Rachel: ^You suck…I’m gonna maul you the second we’re through.^
IL: Yeah, I get a lot of death threats…this one time, a kid named Ash ambushed me when I walked home just because I wouldn’t tell him what "school" was.
*Distant Voice in a jail cell*: WHAT’S SCHOOL???
All: ?
IL: But, um, don’t get any ideas, Rachel and Jake, just morph back to humans…quietly, before…
*Muffled Voice (a different one)*: I’M ANGRY AND I’M RABID!
Cassie: What was that??
IL: *kicks the bag containing a talking, flying pig, a.k.a. Patamon* Nothing…
So, anyway, as soon as you morph back I’ll continue and you can have your lolly pops once you let me finish.
*disgruntled children appear, shooting murderous glances at IL*
IL: Now, people, and hawks, you realize it’s only been 5 minutes so far, and we have a good 55 minutes left.
Tobias: ^D***!^
IL: Umm…yeah. That’s good, Tobi.
Tobias: ^STOP CALLING ME TOBY!! ^
IL: I’ll call you whatever the **** I want, Chicken Little.
Tobias: ^That’s it, I’m coming down! ^ *stretches out his talons and smacks into the glass IL suddenly puts in front of her face*
^Ouch…^
IL: Moving right along…
While you were busy arguing over the Rachel porn, I took in some calls. The most popular question so far has been, "What the hell is up with Rachel’s sick bird-loving fantasy?" In retrospect, that kind of thing is really WRONG.
Rachel: WHO TOLD YOU - *innocently* What bird-loving fantasy?
IL: The one where you reveal how you like Tobias…*really* like Tobias, how you wish…
Rachel: It was that K.A. Applegate, wasn’t it?? OOOH, I hate her for putting our lives into that stupid book series. Kids write better than she does. ~I~ write better than she does. She really sucks. I hate her. I’m gonna make her wear her *** for a hat…
Marco: Rachel, have you ever stopped to consider that maybe K.A. Applegate is the source of your uncontrollable rage? Like, maybe you could just murder her and you’d be sane again?
Rachel: *brightens* Hey, that’s a good idea.
*thinks* MARCO, HAS A YEERK INVADED YOUR BODY??
Marco: *mutters* "Visser 1, in serious danger of being discovered…"
Cassie: Just in case…*buckles Rachel’s straitjacket on Marco*
There we go. Just for 3 days or so.
Marco: Eep.
Tobias: *finally realizing it was mentioned that Rachel liked him*
^RACHEL! You DO love me?? I’M SO HAPPY!! ^
Rachel: Did I SAY I loved you?
Tobias: ^Sort of…^
Rachel: NO!
Tobias: ^You don’t love me? But, Rachel…the picture of me on your nightstand…^
Rachel: I RIPPED IT UP! I can’t stand a kid who’d rather be a bird than a guy!
Tobias: ^But you’re the only reason I stayed alive! ^ *rushes at the wall*
^SUUIIICCIIDDE!!! ^
*sounds of bones breaking as he hits the wall*
IL: So anyway, what else do we have to talk about?
Jake: I dunno. I could go home and you could keep going without me.
Marco: We could pass around-
Rachel: *puts him in a choke hold* Or, we could…
Tobias: ^I’m okay, thanks for asking! I’ll just morph in and out^
*all ignore the hideous bird-to-boy and back again transformation*
IL: I’ve got an idea. If you happen to have a handy-dandy blue box that gives morphing power, why don’t you use it on nothlits?
Jake: *blinks* Uh…
Rachel: Yeah, O Big Fearless Leader, why not?
Jake: Gee, I don’t know. Okay, let’s try it. Tobias…
Tobias: *backs off* ^Nuh-uh. Not me. I’m not a rat. I eat rats. ^
Cassie: Shut up and hold still. *grabs him by the feet and holds him upside down like a chicken* Go ahead, Jake.
*all hold breath as box touches him*
Rachel: Man, nothin’ happened -
Tobias: ^AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! ^ *sizzling sounds as his feathers burn off*
Rachel and Cassie: DUUUDIIICAAALLL.
IL: That WAS pretty cool.
Tobias: ^Why don’t YOU try it, you - ^
IL: Tobi…do I have to even remind you of the non-existent power you have in MY studio while you’re trapped in a fragile hawk body and I have 2 large security guards standing by?
Tobias: ^I’ll get you…^
IL: And my little dog too? (Or in this case, my little Patamon?)
Tobias: ^Hardy har har, I’m just dissolving in giggles over that one.^
IL: Funny…usually I have to picture red-tailed hawk on the grill to dissolve into giggles.
Tobias: ^I am so gonna get you…^
IL: Let’s take some more phone calls! You ask and they answer!
*17 phone lines instantly light up*
Caller 1 (Chee): Hi! My name’s Chee Dolus. Marco, will you go out with me?
Marco: WHAT?? You’re a guy!
Chee: So? I think you’re really cute. And your life is already screwed up as it is. Ha…screwed… *chuckles*
Marco: THE WORLD IS FILLED WITH PERVERTS!
Chee: So that’s a no?
Marco: YES!
Chee: You mean you’ll go out with me?
Marco: NO! *kills the connection*
IL: *syrupy voice* Awww, Marco, that wasn’t vewy nice to the poowr Chee Dowus.
Marco: AHHH!!!! *bites at his straitjacket in worry* Let me out of the studio. *pause*
I want to get out of the studio. *pause*
I’M ASKING YOU NICELY to let me out of the studio.
IL: Okay Marco, calm down and everything will be okay.
Marco: *pause*
LEMME OUT LEMME OUT LEMME OUT LEMME OUT LEMME OUT!
[a/n: That’s a spoof on The Simpsons, where Marge runs around insanely, trying to get off a plane because she’s afraid of flying]
IL: Greeaaat. *picks up a second line, ignoring the raving Marco*
Caller 2 (NC): Hey Jake, have you ever met a dranicorn?
Jake: Are those more Controllers?
NC: No.
Jake: I’ve never heard of them.
NC: Really? They’re quite common where I come from…
Jake: I don’t believe you.
NC: Well, we’ll have to do something about that…*phone hangs up; after a 2 second pause, the door breaks down and a mildly insane-looking girl sitting on a black unicorn with dragon skin and wings whose hooves are smoking and which is breathing fire, waves*
All: AHHHHHHHH!!!! *mad scramble to hide*
Rachel: EEK! A MONSTER! *hugs Marco in fear*
Marco: EEK! A MONSTER’S TOUCHING ME! *tries to squirm away in fear*
Cassie: *squeals* EEEEEEHHHH!! *dives under a chair*
Tobias: *faints*
NC: *guides her dranicorn to Jake and pins him against the wall*
Jakey, I’m NC and this is my pet, Kabadin. Say hello.
Jake: Um…hi. What does N.C. stand for?
NC: Umm…*thinks really, really hard* I forgot
.
IL: *yawns* Hey NC. How ya doin’?
Animorphs: You KNOW this psychopath?
IL: Sure. That dranicorn’s a baby out of my pet.
Animorphs: WHAT??
IL: *shrugs* It’s not hurting anybody.
NC: Exactly! Now, Jake, repeat after me. I.
Jake: I…
NC: Love.
Jake: Love…
NC: NC; more than anyone in the world.
Jake: NC; is a twisted psychopath who is planning some evil plot to turn me over to the Yeerks, for what reason I do not know.
NC: That was NOT the request. *spears Jake’s sleeve on Kabadin’s horn.*
The phrase is Jake.Is.Mine. That means YOU - ARE - MINE, understand??
Jake: No.
NC: GOD, you’re an idiot! I don’t like you anymore! *storms off to marry Alex and move to Hawaii*
Cassie: Is it over?
Tobias: ^I believe so^
Rachel: Can someone please explain what just went on? Why are we discussing dranicorns? What ARE dranicorns? I thought you were going to interview us because we were ANIMORPHS, but so far you’ve hardly touched on anything we’ve done to fight Yeerks!
IL: Okay, if you want to talk about YEERKS… There’s one right now! *points at Marco*
Marco: HOW’D YOU KNOW - *sees everybody glaring at him* Um…
Rachel: The Szalinsky Yeerk Zapper 3000! *points a strange device at Marco’s head*
ZAP! *a small slug shoots out of his other ear, which Rachel crushes*
Jake: Rachel, where did you get that and why haven’t you shown it to us before now??
Rachel: I dunno…when did we ever need it?
Jake: I DUNNO…maybe EVERY DAY FOR THE LAST 2 YEARS??
Rachel: *blonde giggle* It’s no fun that way!
IL: HEY, that was pretty interesting. Now…
*reads the tip passed to her by the sound mixer, an international spy*
I’ve just been told about where you live!
Jake: WHAT?
IL: Cassie, your exact address is 6319 Eagle Ave., Seattle-
Jake: SHUT UP! the Yeerks are EVERYWHERE! They listen in on us from alien spaceships! For all I know YOU’RE a Yeerk!
IL: -Washington State, USA
Marco: THAT’S IT, I’m coming to get you for real…*wriggles out of his straitjacket, morphs to cobra and heads for IL*
IL: *reaches under her desk and pulls out a small, wriggling mammal* Have a mongoose.
Marco: ^HELLLP!! ^ *slithers out the door, chased by snake-meat loving mongoose.*
Jake: LEAVE HIM ALONE! *morphs to tiger*
IL: *pulls out a burning torch* EAT FLAME!
Jake: *cowering* ^Eeeeh, the Red Flower! ^
IL: Hey, this is going pretty well. We’re exchanging lines like in a normal interview.
[Mike voice:] But as we’ve already seen, normal doesn’t last around here…
*door flies open and a blonde-haired, blue eyed kid runs in waving a wooden duck recipe card holder*
Kid: J’AIME LE GOBBLE!!!!
All: *blink*
Marco: What’s he saying?
Jake: Gem the gobble? What gobble? How do you gem it? Paste sapphires on it?
Cassie: You idiots, "j’aime" means "like" in French. Okay, I know some French…
"Moi nom"…I mean, "Je name…" I mean, "Je m’appelle CASSIE. Et you?"
Kid: MY NAME IS NATE AND I LOVE TURKEYS! J’AIME LE GOBBLE!
Marco: Oh goody, It speaks English.
Nate: I escaped from Ms. Carlson’s French class and I stole her duck! J’aime Le Gobble!!"
IL: OKAY, we know you like the stupid gobble!
Nate: Yeah, but that’s not all! I also love "manitees" and cows! *draws a large, cartoon quality moo-cow on the glass panel*
Oh, and did you know I have 2 girlfriends? Their names are Nathalie and JoAnnie!
IL: Man, why didn’t you come yesterday, when were discussing polygamy with Matt and Tai?
*door opens and a girl wearing glasses storms in*
Girl: I AM NOT YOUR STUPID GIRLFRIEND, Turkey-Boy, get it through your head, I hate you!
Cassie: Who are you?
Rachel: Yeah, and why are you ruining our interview?
Girl: I’m Natalie, you dolts, and I’m not TRYING to ruin your interview - *notices IL*
Interview Lady! Where ya been?
IL: Um…
Natalie: This interview thing was my idea! It would still be in the works if I hadn’t threatened to kill Mountain Fire!
Rachel: Interview Lady, just how many messed up, insane people do you KNOW??
Tobias: ^What mountain fire? Are you burning up my homeland??? ^
IL: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! GET OUT! Natalie, sure it was your idea, fine, thank you, LEAVE! NATE, TAKE YOUR STUPID DUCK AND LEAVE! TOBIAS, MOUNTAIN FIRE WAS A HORSE, AND IF EVERYONE DOESN’T CLEAR OUT OF THE STUDIO NOW I AM GOING TO BLOW MY LID!!! *smoke beings to curl form her ears*
Cassie: If she’s like this now, I don’t want to see what she can do. Let’s leave.
IL: EXACTLY!!!
*sound mixer hurriedly puts on commercials and takes the kids outside*
*20 minutes later, IL has calmed down slightly*
IL: Sorry for that little outbreak, listeners. I’m really a very nice, calm person normally…
Natalie: *bound and gagged in a corner because she refused to leave* Murklesnort…
IL: What’s that?
Natalie: I said, "SHUT YOUR UGLY FACE, IL!" (this sentence comes out as: "Isrruhg, MMORLYNAKASAKE, AISLE!")
Jake: Who’s up for some more Q & A?
Marco: Me! Me!
Rachel: You realize that this is going to end up in a 5-way brawl and we’re all going to be sent to the local insane asylum.
Cassie: Would that be Calmwood?
Rachel: Probably. It seems to be a popular place.
Marco: So? I get to fight!
IL: *taking a deep, deep breath* Actually, I’ve got a question for you.
All: Yes?
IL: Why can’t you get the DNA you need to morph from dead animals?
Cassie: Of course we CAN…there’s no difference between DNA from a live animal and DNA from a dead animal. We’re just too arrogant. We like the danger. Isn’t that right guys?
Rachel: No. It’s cuz it’s GROSS! You seriously think I’m gonna touch a icky dead animal? YUCKY!
Jake: Dead animals…I think I’m gonna puke…
Tobias: ^Why don’t we? I can eat my favorite food, maggots, and get a morph at the same time! ^
Marco: *pictures touching a dead cat and looks interested* Is cat edible? Hey Tobias, let’s split the next cat carcass we find…you can have the maggots and I’ll take the intestines, K?
Tobias: ^Deal! ^
IL: Wasn’t that fun?
Jake: *hurling* NO.
IL: Sure it was.
Jake: *wipes mouth* NO IT WASN’T.
IL: Fine, I have another question.
*door bursts open and a woman wearing a witch hat strides in with a snarling, German Shepherd/Rottweiler dog on a leash*
Rachel: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT???
Woman: INTERVIEW LADY! HAVE YOU CLEANED THIS PLACE FROM TOP TO BOTTOM YET??
Interview Lady: Umm…this isn’t the best time for this…
Woman: INTERVIEW LADY, I AM YOUR MOTHER AND WHEN I TELL YOU TO CLEAN SOMETHING YOU WILL CLEAN IT!!
Animorphs: That’s your MOTHER??
Woman: *throws buckets of soapy water and mops at every kid* CLEAN, 2, 3, 4, CLEAN, 2, 3, 4, HOP TO IT SOLDIERS or I’ll release The Beast! *dog’s hackles are raised and it is howling at the top of its lungs*
Jake: This is not part of my job description as a superhero.
Rachel: WHAT IF IT BREAK A NAIL??
Cassie: *looks at soapy water* Why would you use water for cleaning? Don’t you just wipe dirt up with your hands or a little sand?
Woman: DO IT!
*Animorphs and Interview Lady go off the air for 10 minutes until the studio sparkles*
IL: ALL RIGHT, MOTHER, are you HAPPY?
Woman: Actually, yeah! Bye! *runs out the door with the dog*
*back on the air*
Jake: Um, that made NO sense at all.
Rachel: That made even less sense than the girl with the dranicorn.
Cassie: Or the French kid and that girl.
Natalie: SHUT UP! (this comes out, "MURUMPH PUH!)
IL: *sigh* I’m quite certain I don’t want to know what happens next…
But until that happens, I’m going to ask a question and then take a call.
My question: What did you guys think of the TV series you were in?
Tobias: ^TV series? ^
Marco: We made a TV series?
Jake: Oh yeah, the TV SERIES…D***, that was the worst idea they ever thought of…only 200 TVs were tuned in for the first show. They got loads of hate mail and finally they quit after three people were killed by letter bombs.
IL: So I take it you didn’t get to pick the actors.
Rachel: You’re not kiddin’! They locked us in a closet for the auditions! Like we would have done anything! *looks contrite*
Cassie: Rachel, you spent the time in the closet figuring out how to kill all the blonde-haired, blue-eyed girls in America and what the best way to murder the director would be - bear mauling or sledgehammer to the back of the head.
Rachel: Well DUH, they weren’t gonna let me play myself!
Cassie: Yeah, why would anybody want to keep you off the screen just because you stormed off the set 18 takes in a row because your pay was only 3 million an episode?
Rachel: That’s what I’d like to know! So, bear mauling or sledgehammer to the back of the head?
Jake: Neither one. He already got killed by a letter bomb.
Rachel: Cool!
IL: Kay, here’s another phone call:
Caller 3 (Racquel): THIS PROGRAM SUCKS!
IL: Good day to you too Racquel. Why does it suck?
Racquel: AX ISN’T THERE!! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???
IL: Umm…*looks at sound mixer/producer/spy* Why DON’T we have Ax here?
Sound mixer/producer/spy: Umm…
Racquel: FIX IT! *hangs up*
IL: Well, there we go people, let’s get Ax! *grabs Tobias* SHOW ME WHERE HE IS, BIRDBRAIN, or I’ll wring your neck.
Tobias: ^He’s, um, on me…this little flea…^ *shakes himself*
*flea grows into a large, ugly alien with 4 eyes and no mouth.*
Ax: ^Hello. My name is Aximilli-2000^
IL: I thought it was Aximilli Esgarrouth Isthil.
Ax: ^It’s the 21st century! Gotta keep with the times, dude! ^
IL: Tobias, has he been exposed to something called "marijuana" lately??
Tobias: ^Well, maybe I dropped a LEETLE of it into his pastureland…^
IL: WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???
Tobias: ^Umm…I didn’t know you knew so many psychotic people…and I wanted things to be interesting…^
IL: Ax, tell me, what do you think of colors?
Ax: ^Weee…see the pretty colors, spinning round and round…Bob, get out of the colors! ^
IL: Oh yeah. He’s stoned.
Ax: ^Oh no, it’s Eliza Jane! Bob, don’t lock Ace in the closet! Angelina Constantina, how are you? Going to that party, huh? ^
Marco: Umm…
IL: It’s the Pretty Colors fantasy. The marijuana must have come from this girl named Lisa…she inserted the fantasy line into all her products.
Jake: Ah.
IL: *ties up Ax in a morph-proof net* What’s say we just leave him in there for the rest of the hour, okay?
All: Agreed.
Natalie: I’M STILL HERE, WILL YOU UNTIE ME?? (the sentence comes out, "MYNURGLEGORF, SHILLIUGUDERVY??)
IL: Gee, maybe we should ungag her. *takes off the gag*
Natalie: *gasping* FINALLY, took you long enough, BTW, where did Nate go? ‘Cause I found my pet…*holds up a sparking yellow rodent*
Marco: AHHH!! ANIME COMES TO LIFE!
Rachel: IT’S A PIKACHU! THEY’RE EEEEEEVVVIILL!!!
Cassie: DON’T TOUCH IT!
Jake: Let’s all move away…far away…like to another country…
Tobias: ^Yummy! A breakfast rat! ^ *dives for it*
Pikachu: *scared to death* PIKACHU!!!!! *shocks Tobias with 10,000 volts*
Tobias: ^EEEEEEEEHHH!! ^ *falls to the ground, blackened and twitching*
^Owww…^
IL: BAD PIKACHU! BAD! *whacks it over the head with a shovel*
Natalie: *giggle* Sorry. Boy, is Nate gonna be scared when I show him this! *runs away with limp Pikachu in her hand*
*Distant Voice*: PIKACHU!!
Marco: What is that weird distant voice??
IL: *shrugs* Probably that kid who ambushed me...the Pikachu was his. He tried to jump me, but I just kicked him in the shin and he hopped around until the police hauled him off to jail and Pikachu ran away. He was kinda dumb.
Marco: Ah.
IL: You know, if that Pikachu ever comes in here again, I might need to kill it, not just hit it over the head.
Marco: Can I help??
IL: Sure - the more the merrier.
Marco: Let’s start a We Hate Pikachu club! Who’s with me and IL?
Rachel: OOH! ME!
Jake: I could see myself in that club.
Tobias: ^I WANNA BE THE PRESIDENT SO I CAN MURDER THAT ****-COLORED RAT! ^
IL: Okay!
Cassie: I love animals more than anything. I could NEVER hurt one.
Rachel: Awww, Caasssie…
Cassie: *EG* But Pikachu are pokémon. I’m in too!!
All: WOO-HOO! *start chanting* Kill The Pikachu! Kill The Pikachu! WOO!
IL: *10 minutes later* Hey that was pretty cool huh?
Jake: Yeah!
IL: But now we hafta get on with the interview.
Animorphs: Aw…
IL: I know, it’s awful. But, rules is rules. So, let’s take another call.
Caller 4: Hi, my name is Logan.
IL: Hi, Logan.
Logan: Yeah, anyway, I just have to tell you that for being a SUNDAY MORNING program this isn’t very religious.
IL: So? It’s not sposed to be religious!
Logan: HAVE ANY OF YOU EVEN BEEN TO CHURCH??
Jake: I dunno…
Tobias: *sounding it out* ^Chur - urch? ^
Cassie: Oh yeah, I heard of church once. I think I went but they wouldn’t let me drink the whole cup of wine so I stormed out.
Rachel: I only stayed 5 minutes because the holy water burned me.
Marco: You people disgust me!
Logan: So YOU’VE been to church today. Good.
Marco: Why would I be at church today? It isn’t 6:06 and 6 seconds yet.
Logan: YOU PEOPLE DISGUST ME! GOD IS THE MOST WONDERFUL THING IN THE WORLD!
Rachel: BETTER THAN LOLLY POPS?
Logan: Yes.
Rachel: Holy cow! Where do they sell it and what does it taste like??
Logan: AGG!! Do you know what my most amazing Divine Experience was?
IL: *snigger* What, did God pick your nose for you?
Logan: No! Well, I didn’t feel like going to church one day, so I stayed home, but then God told me to church so I got out of bed and walked to church.
IL: What, he came into your house disguised as your dad and said, "I’m God. Go to church!"?
Logan: You are missing the point! My parents were already at church!
Rachel: Then what, that you were lying in bed and suddenly this hand lifted off the roof of the house and screamed, "GO TO CHURCH OR GO TO HELL!"?
Logan: AHH!! Say, Cassie, there’s one more space on this cool church trip I’m signed up for. You get to go on a bus ride for a 4-day weekend and travel around listening to lectures and such about the Bible. It’s very insightful. Plus, it’s only $40!
Cassie: So lemme get this straight. You want me to waste my weekend trapped on a bus with a bunch of religious nuts and PAY $40 FOR IT??
Logan: Doesn’t it sound fun?
Cassie: No. I might suddenly get up and scream "GOD SUCKS AND I WANT WINE!!"
Logan: So don’t scream that.
Cassie: I hafta to ask Rachel about it.
Logan: Rachel can come too!
Rachel: *gagging noises*
Logan: Fine, don’t be saved, *I* don’t care. Bye!
IL: Bye Logan! Hey, wasn’t that fun?
Jake: I dunno…
IL: Jake, what’s your first name?
Jake: I dunno…
IL: TOBIAS, DID YOU GIVE JAKE ANY OF THAT MARIJUANA??
Tobias: ^Erm…^
Jake: Oh no! The KLoWns, led by Mr. KLoWn, are chasing me! Save meee!!
*runs around the studio until he knocks into the wall*
IL: Okay then…
Hey! Look what I found! *holds up a small white rat*
Rodent: ^Help! Lemme go! Noooooo! ^
Tobias: ^YIKES! A TALKING RAT! IS IT GONNA SHOCK ME?? ^
Rachel: [$##%@$###$!#@#$@!], it’s David!
Marco: Let’s string him up by the tail and cut off his nose!
Cassie: I told you I don’t hurt living animals.
Rachel: But…
Cassie: But David’s a two-faced messed up loser, so I wanna gouge his eyes out!
Jake: I dunno…
Tobias: ^EAT HIM ALIVE! ^ *swoops down and pecks him*
Cassie: GOUGE HIS EYES OUT! *grabs a pen knife*
Marco: STRING HIM UP AND CUT OFF HIS NOSE!! *grabs David by the tail and ties him to the microphone*
Rachel: WAIT! I GOTTA BETTER IDEA!!
Tobias, Marco, and Cassie: What?
Rachel: Do ALL of those things. AFTER we play with him!
David: ^Noooo…^
All: YAY!
Marco: *grabs David by the tail and twirls him around in the air* Cassie, go long!
Cassie: Got him! *catches David by a front leg, tosses him up, catches him around the middle, then pelts him at Rachel*
Rachel: *snatches David up around the throat, then throws him through the basketball hoop on the door* SCORE! David, how ya doing?
David: ^I think I have internal injuries. ^
Cassie: You probably do. *checks him over* Yep.
David: ^So DO something! ^
Cassie: *thinks* Okay. *picks him up* Here Tobias!
Tobias: *catches David in his mouth* YUMMY! *begins tearing at him*
David: ^THIS IS NOT WHAT I HAD IN MIND!! ^
Marco: My turn!
Cassie: Now me! *mutilation of David continues until Tobias finishes him off*
Tobias: *burp* ^Excuse me. ^
IL: Well, that was fun. I don’t think I’ve ever actually had somebody killed in my studio before. Broken bones, severe bleeding, and electrocutions yes, but nothing else.
Jake, you off that dope yet?
Jake: *looks around* Huuuuh? I mean, um, WHOA, what was I doing for the last half hour??
IL: He’s off. Tobias, do you have any MORE marijuana you’d like to share with us?
Tobias:
*door bursts open and a dark haired girl storms in*
Girl 2: WHO STOLE MY MARIJUANA??
IL: Him. *points at Tobias*
Girl 2: LOUSY BIRD!! *starts punching him*
IL: Um, just who are you?
Girl 2: I’m - *punch* - Stacey - *punch* - Kretch - *punch*. *pummels Tobias for a while* That loser broke into my car and stole the marijuana I was dealing. I need that money to support the 3 children I’ve had so far in my 15 years!
IL: Ahh. Say, Don’t you know NC?
Stacey: NC?? THAT *****, she stole the marijuana I was saving for myself! She’s such a loser!
IL: I haven’t said this in a while, but…guards! *guards drag Stacey Kretch out*
*door opens again, with NC on foot this time trying to shake off a Pikachu which is clinging to her leg*
NC: Um, Jakey-pie, can you help me get this little thing off-
Marco: IT’S THE PIKACHU AGAIN!! ATTACK!!
Tobias: *hawk scream* ^DIE!!!!^
Cassie: *grabs a pitchfork* GIT! *poke* GIT! STUPID YELLOW RAT!
Rachel: *morphs into a cat* ^Heeeere, mousy-mousy-mousy, looook into my eyes…^
Pikachu: Chu? *Rachel’s hypnotizing eyes freeze it in place until…*
Marco: *finds the Patamon and throws it into the studio*
Patamon: I AM VERY ANGRY AND VERY RABID! *spots the Pikachu*
ROOOAARR! BOOM BUBBLE, PAH!
Pikachu: PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!! *runs out the door screaming*
*Farmer Cassie is chasing it with a pitchfork, Tobias is running after it [on account of his feathers are burned off] screaming, Patamon is flapping after it - frothing at the mouth and firing Boom Bubbles every 3 seconds, Marco is whipping stones/dirt clods/anything else he can pick up while he’s running, and Rachel is spraying it with a fire extinguisher, leaving IL, NC, and Jake alone in the studio*
IL: So.
Jake: So, what was that about?
IL: Well, they formed a We Hate Pikachu club and we all agreed to kill Pikachu if it ever came in here again. You said you’d join, but I guess the pot made you forget.
NC: *apparently having tried some of the stolen marijuana*
*doped up giggle* Hey, Jake, you’re pretty hot, let’s go out sometime and get married.
Jake: *apparently not quite off the marijuana*
*doped up giggle* Okay, sounds fun. *starts kissing NC*
IL: *stares at the couple* Okay. Well. Gee, that was just tons of fun, but I think we’re all out of material. Good thing, too, because we only have 10 seconds left.
Um, I’m gonna leave now. Goodbye. We’ll see you another day. I heard we’re going to invite Jun over one of these days, but until that time, GOODNIGHT!
[Mike Voice]: Over and out.
Okay, time for my favorite part: acknowledgments and thank-yous and notes.
1) Nat, for reminding me about Nate from French class. He really does say that. He thinks it’s hilariously funny to come into French saying "J’aime Le Gobble!" and making turkey noises. Er, he did last year anyway.
Also, the duck is an intricate part of the classroom…it’s very popular and has been stolen twice as a joke. Mostly because the teacher was going to put it in the flea market for our school’s Mardi Gras and about 20 people instantly claimed they would be the first to buy it (after that, she decided to keep it).
2) NC, for having her IRC character slightly, but not completely, mangled. I know perfectly well what NC stands for. Also for loaning me use of her Arab colt’s name without express written consent.
3) Natalie and Logan and Joanna and Stacey and Nate and Racquel and Chee, for being manipulated into my story without knowing it.
The chat with Logan mostly resembles a chat Logan had with me and NC one day…seriously, he told us about his "Divine Experience" and we asked him if God had picked his nose for him.
Oh, and he also seriously tried to get us to go on a religious trip that "only cost $40!"
4) K.A. Applegate and WB and J.K. Rowling for loaning me use of the Animorphs, Pikachu, and Crabbe and Goyle (Crabbe and Goyle are my security guards).
5) Me Mum, who agreed to be manipulated into my story. When asked what she’d like to do when I had her burst through the doorway, she suggested that she be a cleaning maniac.
6) Everybody else I forgot, plus my fans.
7) Oh, and The Simpsons, for loaning me Calmwood Mental Hospital and a few more lines.
8) Woops, and Lisa, for creating the Pretty Colors chatroom and the weird people that stoned Jake and Ax were muttering about.
9) NC again, for helping me remember a few events.
10) Is that it? Then g’night!