Chapter 8: So Many Challenges!
Summary: After finishing the obstacle course, today’s tribe activities will be: The Blank Paper of Curiosity, Water Relay, and Mud Scavenging.
Martin: We need to use teamwork!
Ken: What do you propose, Mr. Smartypants? Shall we throw all our team members over the wall? C’mere Cody, up you go…*motions to throw him over*
TK: That’s a great idea, let me help you! *grabs Cody and tosses him over the wall*
Cody: *THUD* …ow.
Ken: You idiot! I was being sarcastic.
Davis: Hey, great idea! Let’s throw our team members over the wall too!
Matt: Are you volunteering to go first?
Davis: NO.
Matt: Then shut up. I have a real idea. You can bend down like a step-stool and we’ll all climb over you.
Davis: How will I get over?
Matt: Someone can stay on top of the wall and pull you up.
Davis: Fine.
*~*~*~*
Martin: Guys, I have an idea.
Cody’s Voice (over wall): I hope it’s better than Ken’s idea.
Martin: It is. I’ll bend down and make a cup with my hands for you guys to step on, then I’ll hoist you up.
Everyone: …
Ken: Why does HE have all the good ideas?
Izzy: He’s smarter than you, and almost as smart as me, but not quite.
Martin: Ready? Go!
Ken: I’m going to go over the wall my own way, thanks very much.
TK: Hurry up, bozo! We want to win.
Martin: You can figure out the next challenge, OK? I promise.
Ken: I think not.
Martin: *sighs* I didn’t want it to have to come to this, but…*grabs Ken’s hair*
Ken: Hey, what are you OW! That hurts! *grumbles* I knew I should have cut this before I left, I just didn’t want to look like Izzy… (Martin hauls him over to the wall, where TK is waiting to help him up – grabbing onto his hair to keep him from resisting)
*~*~*~*
Davis: OK Mimi, your turn. (she stands on his back) Ugh…too heavy…
Mimi: How dare you call me heavy?! *kicks him in the ribs, causing both to fall down*
Davis: Abuse! Make Mimi the stepping stone!
Mimi: I can’t climb over the wall anyway. I’ll tear my designer clothes. Let’s just give up.
Tai: Mimi, you’re such a baby.
Mimi: Tai, you look like you have some kind of bloated porcupine living on your head.
Matt: All right, enough with the petty insults…hey, Jun’s hair does kind of look like that. *shakes head quickly* No! Must focus. Being the only man in the tribe, I guess I’ll kneel. (Mimi, Joe, and Davis all scramble over the wall. Jun stops to hug Matt)
Jun: Thank you!
Matt: GO!! (she gets over the wall, slips, and falls on Mimi)
Mimi Ew! Ew! There’s some kind of animal – oh wait, it’s just Jun’s hair. I should help you style it sometime.
Matt: *calling across* “Style” Jun’s hair? She can’t style it. All she can do is make it stick up in different directions…*shakes head vigorously* MUST FOCUS on task. Tai, hurry up! (Tai stands on him, loses his balance, and crashes on top of Matt)
Tai: Funny how we keep ending up like this, huh?
Matt: *grits teeth* Interview Lady and Nat are standing RIGHT THERE. MOVE!
Tai: You have such an attitude…touchy, touchy. *scrambles over wall* OK tribe, onto the rope swing!
Matt: Hey! You forgot about me!
Jun: I would never do that! *runs back to give Matt a hand*
Matt: Anyone but you.
Tai: Take my hand, Matt!
Matt: *grabs Jun’s hand, muttering “Ew, gross, nasty.”*
(Meanwhile, Ken has been dragged to the top of the wall. There he loses his balance and somersaults to the ground)
Cody: *pointing and laughing* Heehee…Grandpa always said, “Pride goeth before a fall…”
Ken: Did he say anything about “let he who is without sin cast the first stone?”
Cody: *stops laughing* I think that was part of the lesson on “Proper Conduct for Revenge.” See, revenge is perfectly acceptable as long as you follow an ancient and precisely structured code…
Ken: Forget it.
TK: Hurry up, let’s finish this dumb obstacle course and get some pancakes.
Martin: What’s next?
Kari: Um, looks like a rope and sand pit.
TK: That doesn’t sound too hard. All we have to do is swing over the sand pit? Easy. Watch, I’ll just run and swing over. (As he runs toward the swinging rope, his foot touches the sand. And sinks into it. TK is thrown off balance and trips, but grabs the rope before falling. His legs sink into the sand) Ahh! Help!
Kari: What just happened?
TK: I’m sinking! It’s quicksand!
Kari: This is certainly an interesting development.
Martin: Quicksand? Here in Minnesota?
Izzy: One never knows with IL and Nat.
TK: Help me! *continues to cling to the rope*
Martin: I’m coming. Come on guys, we have to help.
Ken: Why are you obsessed with saving people?
TK: HELP ME!
Ken: It’s all propaganda, I say. You just want to help them so they’ll be in your debt and won’t be able to vote you off. Quite ingeniously evil, actually. I’m impressed.
Martin: That’s not true! I just don’t believe in being mean to people. When someone needs help, I do what I can.
Ken: It’s OK to admit that you have a dark side. Embrace it, even. You know all those fools are far beneath your intellectual level, anyway.
Kari: Hey Ken, there’s a word for you right now: “suck-up.” Getting worried about the security of your place in the tribe?
Ken: *ignores her* I’ve figured out your entire plan, Martin.
Martin: That’s nice. You just keep leading your delusional life. *grabs onto the rope and slowly hauls TK back*
TK: Oh no! My shoe came off! Quick, someone go rescue it!!
Martin: What? Why are you all looking at me? I said I help people, not items of clothing.
TK: But I can’t just go around wearing ONE shoe the rest of my life. It’s unbalanced and improper.
Cody: So go barefoot.
TK: That’s unsanitary!
Cody: Don’t you mean “dirty”?
Martin: Wait, I’ve got it! We’ll get the tallest person to swing across first, and then they can wait on the other side to help everyone else.
TK: How exactly does that help rescue my shoe?
Ken: If anyone sees TK’s shoe on their way across, they can grab it. Otherwise, if we win, maybe IL will give you new shoes.
TK: But I want my old shoes.
Ken: Well, you’re the tallest…it’s up to you to go first.
(TK frowns but takes hold of the rope. He swings halfway across…)
TK: Hey, there’s my shoe! No wait, just a stick. Wait there it – nope. (He is so obsessed by the search that he forgets to let go of the rope and starts to swing back)
Kari: The whole point is to let go! On the other side!
TK: What?
Kari: Let go!
Martin: No, don’t let go!
TK: Whoa! *slips down the rope*
Martin: Catch him! (Everyone grabs TK and pulls him to safety)
TK: Wait, my shoe is still in there.
Ken: Forget the stupid shoe!
*~*~*~*
Mimi: OK, how are we going to get across the sand?
Tai: We could build a human bridge.
Joe: Guys…*points to a sign that reads “Beware, quicksand.”*
Matt: You don’t think IL and Nat would use real quicksand, do you?
TK’s Semi-Distant Voice: I’m sinking! Heelllp!
Matt: OK, I guess they would.
Mimi: Maybe if you put a log across the sand, I could run across. I don’t know what you fat people will do.
Matt: You have such a distorted view of body image it’s not even funny.
Tai: That gives me an idea. It’s really crazy but it just might work. See that oak tree? It has a branch hanging over the sand. If somebody can drape the rope over the branch, we can climb the tree because it’s got lots of good branches, and then we can slide down the rope on the other side. It’s not cheating as long as we use the rope, right?
Nat: Probably not.
Matt: What do you mean, “probably”?
IL: Try it and see what happens. You’re losing anyway.
Tai: What? We are? Hurry! *his attempt to fling the rope fails*
Matt: I bet you couldn’t even wrap a swing around the top when you were a kid. Give me that. *flings the rope and sturdily wraps it over the branches* I’m going in. (After a few slips as he scrambles for a foothold, he climbs into the tree, onto the main limb, and slides down the rope) Made it! Good idea, Tai.
Jun: Ooh, that looks easy! *runs after him* (Halfway up, her hair get tangled in a bunch of twigs) MATTSY! I’m ensnared!
Matt: Look, I can’t waste time going UP the rope. Davis, you go next and help your sister.
Davis: OK! (He runs up and climbs into the tree) Hey look, a squirrel’s nest! *climbs high in to the tree, way past Jun* Nope, just a branch.
Jun: DAVIS!
Davis: Coming…ooh. *looks queasy* I’m up really high.
Matt: This is NOT the time to find out you’re afraid of heights, you sissy!
Tai: *sighs* I’LL come get you.
Davis: Sissy?! I’ll show you…(He lunges at Matt, forgets he’s in a tree, and crashes down through several layers of branches) Ow! Ow, I’m broken and bruised! (He hits Tai on the way down, knocking HIM out of the tree)
Matt: *tears at his hair* This CANNOT be happening.
Davis: Ahh! *slips and falls out of the tree and hits Jun on the way down. They both fall on top of Matt*
TK: Menage a trois!
Kari: *slaps TK* That’s dirty.
TK: I like dirty.
Matt: Get the Motimiyas OFF me! (With much shoving, spitting, and time wasting, the three try again)
Tai: Hey look, we got to the other side! Who’s left to cross?
Joe: Help! I can’t climb trees!
Mimi: The bark will tear my nails! I need assistance!
Matt: Great…whose brilliant idea was it to let those two go last?
Tai: Uh, I think it was yours, actually.
Matt: Fine. Joe, there’s a grizzly bear behind you.
Joe: Eeeeeh! *makes a beeline for the tree and climbs up, then stops*
Matt: Keep going.
Joe: *looks down* I’ll break my leg if I fall out!
Matt: Then don’t fall. Use the rope.
Joe: I’ll hang myself!
Matt: Davis didn’t hang himself OR break his leg. You’re smarter than Davis, aren’t you?
Davis: Gee, thanks.
Jun: Oh Mattsy, you’re so good at this encouragement stuff.
Matt: Hey Mimi, I have a $50 gift certificate to the Gap. All you have to do is climb the tree to get it.
Mimi: Why would I want to go to a cheap, ratty store like “The Gap?”
Matt: …it also works at Aeropostale.
Mimi: Ooh! French stores are sophisticated! *runs toward tree*
Jun: Are we winning now?
Ken’s Semi-Distant Voice: Shut up, Martin! That’s stupid! Cody, I’LL tell you how to swing on the rope…
Matt: I think so. But this is no time to slow down!
*~*~*~*
Martin: Why do you shoot down all my ideas? They usually work. I mean, the rope thing worked.
Ken: Because I’m a negative pessimist with a grudge against you.
Martin: Why do you hate me?
Ken: You’re too smart and you’re good at everything all the time!
Martin: Geeze. It’s not my fault.
Ken: YES IT IS! *tackles Martin* I’ll teach you to be perfect!
Martin: Ahh, I’m being attacked! *ducks*
TK: Fight back, Martin! Punch Ken in the head!
Martin: No! Violence is not the answer. *avoids a few more blows before pinning Ken’s arms to his sides*
Izzy: Really? I find it works well.
Martin: One of these days I’m going to figure out what is wrong with all of you…but for now, I’m going to get us across the tire swings.
Ken: *struggling* No, that’s exactly what I’m saying! *I’ll* figure it out. *breaks free and kicks Martin* Now, I propose we….
Martin: Wait, come to think of it, violence seems to be a good answer to your insanity. *grabs Ken by the hair* Guys, grab his feet and help me throw him onto one of the tire swings.
Ken: No! NOT THE HAIR! Anything but AHHH! *flies through the air and lands awkwardly spread over 2 tires. Set in motion, the other tires begin to swing. Ken slips to one side and gets caught between them as they bang into him from either side)
Ken: Ow! Ow, son of a… (Meanwhile, Matt has orchestrated a system for his tribe. One by one, they take a flying leap [Joe and Davis are thrown for refusal to cooperate] onto the first tire swing, which hangs over a stream, then use their body weight to bridge the gap to the next one and ease onto it. The process is slow, but effective]
Tai: Can’t we go any faster? Watch! I’ll bet I can stand up and jump to the next one. *gets up and leaps*
Mimi: Eeh! I’m still on it!
Tai: Huh? Ahh, Mimi move!
Mimi: I can’t! EEEEH! (Tai’s jump falls short and he ends up half in the water, one hand clinging to the tire rim)
Davis: Tai, you’re stupid. Now if I were jumping, I’d go like this. *leaps off his tire, headed for an empty one, but goes too far. Desperately, he catches one foot behind him in a tire and then hangs upside down*
Matt: Oh great, this is impressive. We look like a bunch of monkeys.
Ken’s Voice: Damn you! I look like a monkey trying to climb a jungle gym!
Matt: On the other hand, Ken’s random outbursts make me feel a whole lot better. So much so that I may not be inclined to punch anyone in the jaw after all. (Matt goes down the row and helps people across)
*~*~*~*
(While Ken and Martin argue, Izzy, who has been silently waiting in the wings, gathers the tribe members and outlines his plan)
TK: That’s a stupid plan! Why do I have to do it?!
Izzy: Because you’re the tallest and I said so. (Minutes later, the plan is in motion. TK’s long, contortionist body [remember “The Human M”] is stretched across two tires, bringing them together so that people can effectively walk across him. Kari connects 2-3, while Izzy (cursing the way he suddenly grew) holds 3-4. [a/n: In a way we haven’t quite figured out, this works] Martin and Ken are now locked in a heated political debate.)
Martin: You HAVE to pass school board levies whenever possible! Public schools need money to buy textbooks and help the children learn!
Ken: Only the stupid ones. The smart ones worth teaching all go to private schools, like me.
Izzy: Hey, you guys…
Martin: Maybe not everyone can afford to go to a private school. Besides, what about supporting the arts? Music programs are very beneficial –
Ken: Music, schmusic. Nobody ever put an end to a major world problem by playing the clarinet. SCIENTISTS, on the other hand…
Izzy: EXCUSE me…
Martin: Are you insulting my clarinet?!
Izzy: GUYS. Shut up and come across the swings.
Ken: *stares* What the – Izzy! You miserable excuse for a genius! How dare you steal my leadership role?
TK: What leadership role? All you’ve done is whine and complain.
Ken: How could I forget to keep track of my REAL arch-rival? (Suddenly, they hear an outburst of cheers from Matt’s side)
*~*~*~*
Matt: We made it! Now RUN to the finish line and we win!
Mimi: Where’s my gift certificate?
Matt: I lied. It’s actually across the finish line.
Mimi: *falls over* Can’t move. Need gift certificate for energy.
Matt: If I have to drag you by your ankles, I will.
Mimi: Don’t care. *closes eyes in exhaustion*
Matt: *shrugs* OK, but your hair will get dragged through the grass and get dirty and tangled…(Mimi opens her eyes) You’ll probably scratch your skin on a few rocks along the way…(Mimi quivers) and your clothes will probably get giant holes in them. But hey, it’s your choice. *reaches for one foot*
Mimi: *jumps up and sprints away* (The rest of the team reaches the finish line. Matt, after trying to shake Jun off, finally gives up and runs arm-in-arm with her over the finish line. A trumpet sounds and the tribes gather)
TK: Ken, you made us lose! I hate you!
IL: Very good. Champions of the Isle have won, so SmartOnesWhoLostThisChallengeToo will have to vote off a member.
Ken: When?
IL: Oh, I think we can have it right now, since we’re already at the beach.
Ken: But the other tribe is watching.
Nat: No they aren’t, they’re busy digging into their warm pancake breakfast. OK, you know the drill, go cast your votes.
Mimi: Why does everyone want people to eat pancakes all the time?
*5 minutes later*
IL: Let’s count the votes, shall we?
Ken: *chanting* Not me, NOT me, NOT me…
Kari: Be quiet.
Nat: #1, Ken
Ken: Booo!
Kari: Shut UP.
Nat: #2, Ken. #3, Ken. #4, Martin AND Izzy. Oops, I’m afraid the rules clearly state that you can only vote for one person. Therefore, that vote will be ignored.
Ken: What?!
Nat: #5, Ken. #6, Ken. Well, there you have it.
Ken: I demand a recount.
IL: OK. “Votes 1-5 of 5 valid votes, Ken.”
Ken: I think we should hire a handwriting analyst. I’m pretty sure some of those votes say “Kari.”
Kari: Yeah right. Nobody votes off pretty girls.
IL: Well Ken, it’s time to go to Camp Snowflake.
Ken: What? Don’t I even get to make some kind of concession speech? *gets dragged away*
Izzy: Bye now!
Ken: *CENSORED: Ken’s 5-word concession speech, the last 4 words of which are “YOU, Martin and Izzy!”*
Kari: Hey Davis…*walks over and bats eyes* You’re so handsome and brave and generous…can I have some pancakes?
TK: HEY! No fraternizing with the enemy.
Kari: *glares* Well, I’m hungry!
IL: OK people, everyone gather around for the latest news. Our next challenge will be announced at 12:30 this afternoon. Until then, each tribe needs to hold onto this envelope. *produces 2 blank white envelopes and hands one to each tribe*
Nat: It’s very important that you do not open these under any circumstances. All you are to do is keep them safe for a few hours. Understood? (all nod)
TK: Hey, Martin! Do you have any brilliant ideas for breakfast?
Martin: *goes over to Mimi* Hey Mimi, can I borrow a hairpin?
Mimi: I guess so, but you have to promise to give it back. (Martin nods, takes it, and runs back to his tribe)
WEST SIDE
Davis: So…now what do we do?
Matt: We have something immensely disturbing when granted by IL and Nat: four hours of free time.
Tai: Let’s all try to escape! Matt will show us how.
Matt: No. We’ll just get caught, and believe me, it’s way more depressing to be caught after escaping them than to just plain be caught.
Tai: But it’s fun while it lasts! Those five minutes in the car were great!
Davis: I don’t know, I’m not very good at swimming.
Matt: Then how did you get here in the first place?
Davis: I floated?
Matt: I see.
Davis: Maybe we could, um…make wings out of branches and stuff!
Matt: Here’s what we’re going to do. Davis, you’re going to occupy yourself by running around the perimeter of our camp and telling me how many footsteps it is. Actually, do the whole island. I’m going to take a nap in the hut all by myself, and everyone else can play “How I Would Torture IL and Nat If I Was In Charge.”
Mimi: Do we have to do anything physically exhausting, like stand up?
Matt: No, you just take turns telling the story, adding as many details as possible about why you hate them and why they deserve this and…hang on, I think I’ll play too.
Jun: But Matt, they’ve been very nice! They gave us this free trip to an island together, complete with a continental breakfast!
Matt: First I would make them dress up like me, and then I would lock them in a room with Jun.
Mimi: I’d make them eat 1000 pounds of cornmeal mush!
Tai: I’d tie them up in a room full of…um…
EAST SIDE
TK: Yay, Ken’s gone! Woohoo!! Let’s throw a party.
Martin: I’m just glad I will no longer be attacked for having good ideas. I can’t help it if I’m smarter than everyone else.
Izzy: Martin, could I have a word with you? *pulls him aside* I am also glad Ken’s gone, but don’t go getting any ideas. And don’t even think about trying to upstage me, because unlike the moronic young Ken, I have the power to bide my time and quietly destroy you, without making a production of it. I was, am, and always will be the genius of this group. *smiles and holds out hand* Friends?
Martin: Um…OK…*to himself* I don’t believe this! Next I’ll find out that Cody plans to take over or something…
Kari: So, what should we do about this envelope?
TK: I dunno. Can we just throw it away?
Cody: If we do that, we’ll probably be disqualified and automatically lose the next challenge. So let’s just keep it really safe.
TK: OK, you keep it.
Cody: *looks shocked* Really? But I…it’s such a big responsibility! I’m not sure I’m ready…but if you think I can –
TK: Let’s have Izzy keep it. (Izzy shoots Martin an I-told-you-so smirk). Izzy is a social recluse, a typical nerd. He just sits off by himself all day, thinking important philosophical thoughts because he has no friends and never goes anywhere. He’ll be the perfect guard. (Martin grins. Izzy scowls and looks away. Martin apparently doesn’t realize that the gears in Izzy’s brain are now churning against him)
Izzy: *irritably* All right, hand it over.
Martin: Speaking of that…or not…who wants to help me make a fishing pole?
Cody: Do we have string?
TK: We could use someone’s hair.
Martin: Um, we all have short hair. KEN had the longest hair, but anyway, he’s gone now.
TK: Whose idea was it to put Mimi on the other tribe?!
Izzy: Kari, you’re a girl. Why don’t you have long hair?
Kari: I like it short. Long hair gets in the way of…stuff.
Martin: Let’s use shoelaces and tie them together. Everyone give me your laces. Then someone can find a stick, and someone else can start digging for worms.
Kari: *raises hand* I’ll find the stick. You boys can look for bait.
TK: What a girl! I bet you couldn’t find a worm if your life depended on it.
Kari: Oh yeah?
TK: Yeah.
Kari: Fine, we’ll have a contest then. I’ll bet I can find more worms than you can.
TK: OK, let’s go. Does anyone have a shovel I can use?
Cody: I don’t think there are any.
TK: What have I gotten myself into?
Martin: Before you do that, I need your shoelaces! *all hand them over to Martin* OK, be careful not to trip.
TK: What? *spins around and falls over* Oof.
WEST SIDE
Tai: Um…um…
Matt: A roomful of WHAT?!
Tai: Cats?
Matt: Cats!
Tai: Maybe IL and Nat are allergic to cats.
Matt: Maybe you’re a moron. They aren’t allergic to Gatomon.
Tai: Oh.
Jun: This game isn’t very nice. We should do something else, like go for a romantic walk on the beach!
Tai: We should?
Jun: No. Me and Matt. Not you.
Tai: That’s not very nice.
Jun: You’re right! I should always try to be nice to everyone. Niceness is one of my best qualities.
Matt: *under his breath* It’s her only quality.
Jun: Of course you can come for a walk on the beach, Tai.
Matt: Yes, won’t we make a pretty threesome? I think I’ll pass. You two can go on alone. You both said you wanted to go, so now you have to or you’ll be hypocrites.
Tai: I never said I wanted to go…I just wanted to be invited!
Matt: But it’s not nice to turn down invitations. Go on Tai, and have fun! I’m sure I’ll think of something to do in your absence…difficult as that may seem.
Tai: But I don’t –
Jun: C’mon Tai! *links her arm in his and pulls him away*
Tai: *struggling to get away* OK, that was fun. We can stop now.
Jun: I said the beach, not the woods, silly!
Tai: Crap.
Jun: Walk faster so I can get back to my Mattsy. *drags him off*
Matt: *sighs* Ahh…this is the life. No Jun, Tai, or IL. No Nat, Snowflake, Snowball, or Punk Toko. And especially no Jun!
Jun: *appears from the opposite direction* Hi Matt! I’m back! *flings herself at him and wraps herself around his neck* I missed you so much!
Matt: *gags and chokes* How did you get back so soon?
Jun: Tai said he’d walk around the beach twice so I could come back to you.
Matt: *glowers* He’s going to regret saying that…
CAMP SNOWFLAKE
SF: Yolei, bring me another pillow. Ken, massage my Toko toes.
SB: It’s my turn to use Ken! I want a palm fanner boy.
PT: No way! I’m bored. I want to watch Ken dance like a chicken.
SF: Excellent idea. Dance, Slave-Boy! *whips at Ken’s feet with his own whip*
Ken: *dancing* This isn’t fair! I hand-picked the people for my team! They were supposed to worship me!
PT: You should have chosen dumb people. Intelligent people are too smart to follow you.
Ken: D’oh!
PT: Now wave a fan while you dance. *tosses one to Ken and smiles brightly – a ploy to show off his teeth so Ken thinks twice about refusing*
Ken: Why can’t Sora do your fanning? Where is she, anyway?
SF: Sora’s making us our gourmet vegetarian diner. Very healthy – all sorts of grains and fruits and assorted organic plants…
Sora’s Voice: Nooo! The poor cabbage plants! *sobs* You monsters!
Yolei: You know what? You three are sick, sick-minded creatures. What’s wrong with showing us a little compassion?
(The Tokos look at one another, then burst into high-pitched giggles)
SB: That’s a good one! Let’s make Yolei our official jester!
Yolei: What?? You mean like one of those guys with weird costumes and pointy shoes and jingle bell hats?
SF: Excellent idea. Fetch the costume!
Yolei: I don’t think so.
SF: Come on. You have to really get into the role. Don’t you want to be a cute, authentic little jester?
Yolei: I’d rather be a mermaid. Can I dress up like that?
SF: Sure.
Yolei: Yay!
SF: As long as you’re a mermaid jester. Let’s see some harlequin patterns!
SB: And the hat!
SF: PT! Go get the “mermaid” costume for Yolei. And don’t forget the jester hat.
PT: Follow me to the dressing room, Yolei.
*~*5 minutes later*~*
PT: Time to come out, little mermaid! We want to see you!
Yolei: I’m not coming out. You can’t make me.
PT: Oh yeah? *PT kicks open the door and snaps at Yolei’s feet*
Yolei: Darn you. *stumbles out of the dressing room*
Ken: You’re…you’re…*drops palm fan and holds his sides, laughing hysterically* HAHAHA!!!
Sora: What’s going on in there? *runs over from the kitchen* Yolei? …why are you dressed as a giant fish?
Ken: *still laughing hysterically* She’s a fish girl!
Yolei: I’ll show you! (Yolei, who is encased in a giant fish costume up to her neck, attempts to waddle toward Ken but trips and falls on her face)
Ken: Hoo-hoo-ha! That makes my day.
SF: Oh good. You can go back to being my fan-boy.
Ken: Fine. But I want to see YOLEI dance now.
SB: How could you forget the HAT?! *bounds up and plunks it on her* Much better.
Yolei: Mermaids don’t wear hats. Neither do fish.
PT: *rolling on the floor laughing* That’s OK, she doesn’t have to tell any jokes. *giggles* She looks funny enough! Hee-hee!
Yolei: Better watch yourself, Rat. *picks herself up, attempts to kick PT, forgets her legs are both still encased in the costume, and falls again*
*~*1.5 hours later*~*
WEST SIDE
(Matt is asleep, with Jun sitting beside him writing love poetry in the dirt. Mimi is putting her hair into 400 braids, and Tai is practicing the fine art of tree climbing. Joe is quietly writing and solving Calculus problems, leaving Davis with nothing to do)
EAST SIDE
(Martin has fashioned a fishing pole out of a stick and several shoelaces, plus one of Kari’s earrings. Izzy has disappeared. TK won the bait-finding contest by a landslide (25 to 1), so he and Kari are now playing Mancala with pebbles, occasionally trading places with Martin as the fisherman)
Kari: Woohoo! I only have one stone left on my side!
TK: I’ll fix that. *picks up a handful and drops one pebble in every cup*
Kari: D’oh.
Cody: I’m playing winner…so somebody hurry up and lose. I mean win. Must use positive encouragement.
TK: You know Kari, you could give in right now…save yourself the humiliation of losing again.
Kari: Listen, just because I couldn’t find a bunch of stupid worms…
TK: How could you not find worms? We’re in a forest. As in, much dirt. As in, habitat of earthworms.
Kari: Be quiet.
Martin: Ahh! I got one! I got a fish! *others race over*
TK: Pull back! Harder! Now relax. Pull! Give! Not too much! More!
Martin: SHH! (suddenly, one of the laces snaps and Martin pulls back only frayed threads. Hook, fish, and half the line are gone.)
TK: I told you, “not too much.”
Izzy: *comes around the corner* Who wants lunch? *holds up a sunfish* As you can see, I found it much simpler to make a spear out of sharp rocks lashed to a stick. AND I only needed one pair of shoelaces to do so.
Martin: Isn’t spearing fish a little barbaric?
TK: Who cares? We have to survive somehow. 3 cheers for Izzy! (Izzy looks at Martin with an air of superiority)
Martin: *shrugs* It’s fine with me if Izzy wants to be the tribe’s official (and thus, only) tribe fisherman.
Cody: Yeah! (Izzy stops looking pleased)
Izzy: Cody, you like proverbs…you know the one about teaching a man to fish…?
WEST SIDE
Davis: *walking around the camp* Man, this is boring. There’s nothing at all to do. Stupid IL and Nat. How could I possibly have any fun? There’s nothing interesting on this whole island.
Matt: Shut up. I’m trying to sleep.
Davis: La dee dah…I’m just sitting here, twiddling my thumbs.
Matt: Twiddle quieter or I’ll break your thumbs.
Davis: Geeze. Someone got up on the wrong side of the sleeping bag this morning. (Davis walks a few paces off and shoves his hands in his pockets) Huh? What’s this? *pulls envelope out of pocket* Oh. It’s that envelope IL gave us.
Voice: Open it.
Davis: I wonder what’s in it? No. IL and Nat said not to open it.
Voice: IL and Nat also said you should swim to this island to play a fun game called “Survivor.”
Davis: That’s true! Every time I follow their orders, I wind up unhappy. Therefore, I should open the letter. It’s probably a secret map to get off the island! (He quickly opens it up and takes out the sheet of paper. One line of black ink reads:
“Congratulations. You have just lost the challenge.”
Uh-oh…wait, nobody saw that. Maybe if I just put it back into the envelope really carefully, it won’t count. *puts it back* Phew. Now I’ll just go back and um…give it to Matt… *sound of approaching helicopter*
Davis: Crap.
Matt: *wakes up* What the -- *hears the Toko Copter…eyes travel to envelope in Davis’ hand* DAVIS!
Davis: What?
Matt: What is that thing doing in your hand?!
Davis: This? Oh…yeah, the most awful thing just happened! I was sitting in the woods, carefully guarding this sealed envelope, when a, um, a, uh…TK ran up and tried to steal it! I tried to stop him but he pulled it too hard and it ripped open.
Matt: Davis, you lying, moronic idiot! I’m going to kill you!
Davis: Wha?!?! *runs away, followed closely by an irate Matt*
Tai: What happened? *falls out of the tree he was climbing*
Matt: Davis made us lose some kind of challenge where we are NOT supposed to open that envelope IL gave us, and he opened it.
Davis: *pants* I told you…it was TK’s fault!
Matt: TK is on the other bleeping side of the island!
Davis: Well, it wasn’t me!
Matt: Everyone vote off Davis!
Tai: I thought you wanted us to vote off Jun.
Matt: Oh yeah, that’s right. Davis, I promise not to beat you up if you vote for Jun.
Davis: Deal. Hey wait a minute, IL and Nat aren’t here yet! See, I told you, it wasn’t my fault.
*chopper appears* Crud.
IL: Hello, everyone! Sorry we’re a bit late, Rod was lazy about filling the tank. Now, you know the drill. To the beach with you!
Mimi: *groans* AGAIN?! But it’s like a mile away!
IL; Nonsense. It’s barely half that. Now, march!
Davis: But you’re right here with the helicopter. Couldn’t you just give us a ride? (By way of reply, Nat throws down something small that hits Davis in the head)
Davis: Ow! What’s this?
Nat: It’s a keychain. I’d take it to heart if I were you.
Davis: *reads*
My name is Davis
Everything I say is wrong
Don’t listen to me.
Davis: I don’t understand. That doesn’t make any sense.
Matt: It’s a haiku. It actually sounds very sensible to me.
Nat: We thought you’d appreciate it, being from Japan and all. See you in a bit! *Grumbling, the kids trudge off*
Mimi: “My hair hurts and my face needs makeup and I need my beauty sleep and all these nasty gross bugs are biting me and would it kill you to…” (she continues complaining as they walk. One by one, the others plug their ears until they reach the beach*
“…and I hate the campsite if my Daddy were here he’d sue you for beauty sabotage!”
Jun: *interrupts* OKAY, time to vote. *catches Matt’s eye and nods at Mimi*
Mimi: *smiles sarcastically, then swiftly looks at everyone else and nods at Jun*
*~*~*~*
Nat: Let’s tally the votes, shall we? First vote: Jun. *Jun gasps and clings to Matt*
Matt: *grits teeth* It will all be over soon*
Nat: Second vote: Jun.
Matt: That’s right…
Nat: 3) Mimi. 4) Mimi. 5) Mimi. (Matt snaps to attention and glares furiously at the group)
Nat: And the last vote…Davis.
Mimi: WHAT?
Matt: WHAT?
Davis: WHAT?
Mimi: But DAVIS lost the challenge!
Davis: Well I wasn’t the one who complained nonstop for an hour! YOU are the whiniest little –
Matt: Quiet. *drags Davis aside* I told you to vote for Jun!
Davis: I did! I did! I don’t know who voted for Mimi! (Matt suddenly catches sight of Tai slinking away)
Matt: YOU! Some friend YOU are.
Tai: Hey, buddy.
Matt: Don’t “hey, buddy” me.
Tai: Listen, I was gonna vote for Jun, really…but see, Mimi annoys me more than Jun annoys you.
Matt: Not possible. Jun is –
Jun: *bounds up and throws arms around his neck* I love you! Aren’t you glad I’m still here?
Matt: Jun. Get. Away.
SF: Hello, Mimi. Come with me to my camp.
Mimi: I’ll only go if I get new clothes.
SF: OK. We’ll dress you up in a nice maid’s outfit.
Mimi: Ooh, you mean like you want me to model it for you?
SF: Yes. In fact, for authenticity, I’ll have you model it in the house, doing such authentic maid activities as cooking my breakfast and washing the dishes.
Mimi: What? No! I can’t do manual labor!
SF: Whether you can or can’t, you will. *drags her off*
IL: Well, now that she’s gone, let me explain the next challenge.
Davis: Can’t we ever have maybe a 10-minute break between challenges?
Nat: We just gave you a 2-hour break. Now, you’ll all be going for a pleasant little dip in the lake.
Matt: Pleasant like the way we got here?
Nat: Even more so.
Davis: This pleasant dip doesn’t have anything to do with being pushed off a cliff, does it?
Tai: Dont’ give them IDEAS! Davis, you really are dumb.
IL: Unfortunately, there are no cliffs on the island. However, if you’ll follow the set of Toko tracks in the sand, they’ll lead to a large rock near the water’s edge. You will dive off that rock – merely jumping will result in a penalty – and swim out to the rock pile in the middle of the lake. You will then climb to the top of the rock pile to retrieve a colored bandanna, and then swim back.
Tai: That doesn’t sound so bad.
Nat: The rock pile has several jagged edges, and you’ll be competing against someone from the other team to retrieve the bandannas. Shoving them off is not against the rules.
Tai: In that case, I saw we nominate Matt for this challenge. Or Davis…in fact, Jun would do a pretty good job…
Nat: Did I mention it’s a relay race? You each must bring back a bandanna. However, there is one less bandanna than there are people here, so you’ll have to beat the other team to them. You now have 20 minutes to choose an order while we round up the other team.
EAST
Kari: I wish we had forks – and plates – and a picnic table.
Izzy: Don’t complain, you’re eating fresh, cooked fish.
TK: Ouch. *shakes burnt finger*
Cody: Thanks for the fish, Martin! After Izzy burned that first one and dropped it in the mud, I thought we’d never get breakfast, but you got 5 fish in the same time it took Izzy to find one!
Martin: Well, you know, it isn’t too hard to spear fish if you can calculate the angle of light refraction off the fish, through the surface of the water, to your eyes. I do owe the IDEA of spear fishing to Izzy, though.
Izzy: *grumbles*
Cody: Thank you for giving appropriate credit! No one else understands the necessity of citing sources!
*Triumphant music plays*
TK: Did we win something?
SF: Congratulations! You’ve won the challenge.
Martin: What WAS the challenge?
SF: The challenge was to overcome curiosity. The other tribe opened their envelope before noon, so they lost.
TK: Cool, that was easy. All our challenges should be like that.
PT: You’re gonna love the next one, then.
TK: Do we get to sleep?
PT: Nope, you get to dive, swim, climb rocks, and retrieve bandannas.
TK: That doesn’t sound like quite as much fun.
*~*20 minutes later, at beach*~*
Davis: No way, that was so not 20 minutes.
Nat: Do you have an order decided?
Joe: I want to go last. That way, maybe the other team will win before it’s my turn.
Matt: No way. If we’re winning, then you’ll make us lose. The strongest person goes last. Therefore, I go last.
Jun: But I always follow Matt.
Tai: Strongest?! I’m so last.
Nat: Well, since Davis was the only one who didn’t call “last,” he can go first.
Davis: No fair! I didn’t whine, that should count for something…
Matt: Too bad!
Nat: Matt’s next.
Jun: Then me.
Tai: I get it! Whoever talks has to go next – man! Am I next?
Joe: Yup! I’m last. *sighs contentedly*
IL: OK, how about the Smart Ones? Your order?
Kari: You didn’t tell us we could pick an order.
Martin: I don’t care, just hurry up and pick.
TK: I want to go first!
Martin: Will you promise not to intentionally pick a fight with Davis at the rock pile?
TK: …maybe Izzy should go first.
Izzy: Very good. The order will be me, Kari, TK, Cody, and Martin, maximizing strengths and minimizing weaknesses. The details of my plan are too complicated for your immature minds, so I won’t explain it.
TK: *whispers* That means he just decided at random.
Nat: First divers, get ready!
Davis: I don’t want to go yet. Are you sure these waters are shark free?
Rod: On your marks, get set, GO! (Izzy dives into the water. Davis leans over the edge.)
Davis: But I don’t know how to dive!
Matt: Just put your hands out in front of you, palms together like you’re going to cut through the air, lean forward, and dive.
Davis: Um…that sounds OK. *leans over in perfect form and starts to fall* Hey guys, look! I’m doing it! *suddenly, he sees the fast approaching water and panics* AH! *flails his arms and lands with a spectacular…belly flop* OWOWOWOWOW!!! (Izzy reaches the rocks)
Matt: Davis, get your rear in gear!
Davis: I can’t! I’m dying.
Matt: For the love of…*begins throwing rocks and twigs at Davis*
Davis: OUCH! *swims away to avoid further pain*
Matt: Took you long enough.
Izzy: *begins climbing the rock pile island* This is slippery!
Davis: Martin, help! I’m sinking!
IL: Too bad. No one else can jump in the water until their teammate comes back.
Davis: Dang. *starts swimming again* (He reaches the rock pile just as Izzy grabs a bandanna and prepares to jump back in to the water)
Davis: Izzy, look! A seagull!
Izzy: That’s not going to work on me. I won’t drop the bandanna, or give it to you. (Suddenly, a large white seagull flies up, startled from a hole between the two rocks, into Izzy’s face)
Izzy: Ah! *drops the bandanna*
Davis: *picks it up* Gee, thanks Izzy. *Izzy grabs another bandanna and leaps back into the water*
Izzy: I’ll still beat you, Worm. And when we get back to land, I’ll thrash you – so think about THAT before you hurry back to the island.
Davis: *gulps* (Izzy reaches land and Kari dives in)
Kari: This is why skintight clothing is good.
Tai: You’re still grounded for life when we get home.
Kari: Lala, not listening.
Davis: Hi, Kari! It’s a beautiful day to –
Kari: I will not go on a date with you, and swimming in the same water as you is probably going to make me break out in hives. (Davis follows her)
Matt: Davis, you idiot, you’re going the wrong way! Turn around!
Davis: I’m uh…practicing my backstroke! Yeah that’s right. *swims in circles, avoiding the shore*
Matt: Practicing your – what the *)$! do you think you’re doing?! We’re in the middle of an important race! And if you don’t get back here in 10 seconds, I’ll skin you alive when we get home!
Davis: Man…why does everyone want to kill me?
Kari: Yoink! Get ready, TK, I’m almost back.
Matt: *tearing at his hair* Let’s GO! MOVE it! Allez!
Davis: *slowly swims back, trying to avoid being seen by Izzy*. (As soon as he reaches land, Matt dives off and quickly catches up to TK)
TK: Nyah, nyah, Matt, you “champions” will never beat the SmartOnesWhoWinAll!
Matt: Don’t you ever get tired of spitting out that mouthful of a name? Besides, as your big brother, I know all of your weaknesses.
TK: Like what? Ken was the only weakness on SmartOnesWho – *Matt splashes water in TK’s face* AH! My eyes! *clutches frantically at them* I can’t see! I’m blinded!
Matt: Hehe. *reaches the rock pile and grabs a bandanna* (Upon passing TK on the way back, he snickers and splashes him again)
TK: STOP DOING THAT! Oh, the human… “ITE-ee!” I said it differently, so it doesn’t count as copyright infringement.
Cody: Very good. But right now, you have to swim! If you don’t hurry, we’ll lose, and I require extra time on my turn because I…um, well, I’m challenged by –
TK: ‘Cause you’re a midget?
Cody: Well, that’s not a very politically correct term, but…
TK: Because you’re abnormally short?
Cody: Again, politics…
Martin: TK! Cody! LATER we can all discuss the joys of political correctness; right now TK has to swim this race! Go, TK! Win it for the team!
Jun: Oh, Mattsy, you’re soaking wet. Here, let me dry you off.
Matt: Duh, I just went swimming. No, don’t do…go dive in and get a bandanna!
Jun: Silly, a bandanna won’t keep you dry. Since we don’t have any towels, I’ll just have to stay here and warm you up.
Matt: NO! Swim the stupid race.
Jun: But what if you get pneumonia while I’m gone? We’d better play it safe. (Matt spots TK returning and drags Jun over to the rock)
Matt: In you go! *throws her off the side*
Rod: That’s a five-second penalty.
Matt: Don’t care. *grabs a stick to ward Jun off*
Jun: Mattsy! I have to help you.
Matt: …I always get this warm feeling when we win. SWIM!
Jun: *sniffles* You don’t have to be mean about it. I can tell when I’m not wanted.
Matt: *stares* I will deal with you later. Maybe if you beat Cody, I’ll like you.
Jun: I love you too, Matt! I hate when we fight.
Matt: D’oh! I meant “not hate.” Not “like.” GO!
Izzy: Where did Davis go?
PT: He’s hiding behind that bush right there.
Davis: Toko Punk! *takes 1 look at Izzy and starts running in the other direction*
Izzy: Get back here, pipsqueak!
Davis: Look! I see a, um, a, a, I’m just out for a jog!
Izzy: *catches up* Here’s why you should never try to outsmart me. *tackles and beats him*
Tai: Did I miss something? Why is Izzy killing Davis?
Matt: I try not to pay that much attention to Davis’ problems.
Tai: Shouldn’t we help him?
Matt: We have a bigger problem. JUN! SWIM! Get the BANDANNA!
Jun: Oh, right. I was just noticing how that cloud up there looks like us getting married…oops! *swims off*
Cody: *swimming very slowly* Stroke…stroke…if only I were slightly taller…no, mustn’t go against the will of the Holy One…
TK: Hey, Champions? Like I said before, you’re going to lose.
Matt: If by lose you mean win, then yes. As I recall, you were afraid of getting splashed by water.
TK: It went up my nose! (Out in the water, Jun’s Matt-inspired super powers kick in. She blazes through the water, snatches a bandanna, blazes back, and catapults out of the last 5 feet of water into Matt’s arms. Cody reaches the rock)
Jun: 42.5 seconds! Wasn’t that agony, Matt?
Matt: Which 42.5 seconds? The ones before you left? That was way more than 42 seconds.
Jun: I love your sense of humor. *grins*
Matt: OK, time for you. *shoves Tai off the rock*
Tai: I’m not quite ready AH! *somersaults into the water*
Martin: Hah! He didn’t dive!
Matt: He still hit the water headfirst.
Kari: ROD!
Rod: I’m going to allow it.
Kari: I hate you now.
Rod: When did you like me?
Kari: For two seconds, until you opened your mouth that first day. After that, I was indifferent. (Meanwhile, Cody is inching his way up the rock pile as Tai scrambles onto the little tower and hurries up from the other side. Tai reaches the top, grabs one, and then tosses a rock up into the air in celebration)
Cody: OW! *loses his balance and falls backwards*
Tai: *oblivious, swims back* OK Joe, you’re up.
Joe: What??
Tai: Everybody else went, so now it’s up to you to win.
Joe: ME?!
Tai: Yes…why do you keep asking questions?
Joe: But I thought we were like 3 people behind them.
Tai: Nope, now they just have slow people left.
Matt: I have a question. Why are you discussing our progress instead of continuing it?
Joe: Well, I feel it’s important for team morale.
Matt: I’ll do team morale. You do individual work. Now jump in the water before I push you.
Joe: I’m not afraid of physical violence.
Matt: *points* Oh my gosh! A carousel!
Joe: Ahh! *jumps into the water*
Matt: Carousel ponies are afraid of bandannas! Go get one to protect yourself!
Joe: But I can’t swim without my water-wings!
Matt: It won’t matter if you get trampled by carousel ponies! Hurry! [Nat Note: We use more exclamation points than any other type of punctuation…although ellipses are a close second]
Kari: Hurry up, Cody! They’re on their last person!
Cody: *grabs bandanna*
Kari: Come on Cody, make your grandpa proud!
Cody: OK!
Martin: Is he back yet? *starts to dive*
IL: *blows whistle* FALSE START! Ten-second penalty! Cody wasn’t back yet.
Martin: No fair, I haven’t actually touched the water yet.
Cody: OK, now I’m back…Martin, go!
Martin: I’m going! *swan dives*
Izzy: Damn him. He even swan dives better than me. He’s going down.
Kari: And he swims faster.
Matt: Joe! Hurry, or Martin will get the last bandanna! Then the carousel ponies will get you!
Joe: Oh no! *reaches the island and starts climbing rocks*
Martin: No you don’t. *climbs rocks and quickly catches up*
Joe: I need this bandanna to protect me from carousel ponies.
Martin: I can’t get over how weird you are. There are no carousel ponies within 100 miles of here. Please give me the bandanna.
Izzy: Stop being polite…just grab it from him!
Martin: Please, Joe, maybe if you lose this challenge, you can go home.
Izzy: Manipulation: Almost as good as rudeness and physical violence.
Joe: OK, here you go.
Martin: Thank you. (They both start swimming back, Martin quickly pulls ahead)
Joe: *begins flailing arms* Help! Something has my foot! I’m being sucked down – I’m sinking – help! I’m gonna diiiiieeee!
Martin: Oh, for goodness sake…*swims back to Joe*
Izzy: Don’t do it! Be evil! Be heartless!
Martin: Shut up Izzy. You don’t know anything.
Izzy: *gasp* *Falls to the ground, twitching*
Martin: *grabs Joe and frees his foot from the lakeweed* *uses bandanna to tie Joe to his arm for faster/easier swimming* You have got to learn how to swim. *swims all the way back to shore with Joe in tow*
IL: I declare Joe’s team the winner!
Martin: What?
Izzy: What??
IL: Martin got a ten-second penalty, so since they got back at the same time, and they are both holding the bandanna, Joe’s team wins.
Izzy: Martin you fool! *charges towards Martin*
Martin: You leave me no choice. *grabs the charging Izzy’s wrist and flips him over on his back*
All: Whoa.
Matt: Teach me t hat.
TK: I thought no one could beat Izzy up…
Davis: My hero…
Kari: So, Martin…*bats eyelashes*
TK: *spots the look in her eyes* Martin, you’re dead. Everyone pile on Martin!
Kari: *holding him back* What’s your problem?
Davis: The island has made TK insane. Lock him in the jail cell!
Kari: We don’t have a jail cell.
Davis: Throw him in the hole!
Izzy: Hey Martin, c’mere a minute…*attempts to punch Martin, but is again pinned flat*
Martin: We really can’t have this continued hostility.
Izzy: You’ll be gone by tomorrow. *attempts to slide away*
Martin: Uh-huh. By the way, you’re not going anywhere until you promise to restrain yourself from attempting to physically injure me.
TK: He didn’t say you couldn’t ACTUALLY injure him!
Kari: Off to prison with you.
TK: Man…my life is starting to feel like a bad version of “Lord of the Flies.”
Davis: Nobody but you would want to be known as the leader of a bunch of bugs.
IL: All right, we hate to break up the violence –
Nat: We really do –
IL: But since you lost, it’s time to go vote.
Matt: Right! Off we go! *whispers to Tai* THIS time, vote for Jun.
Tai: But we won.
Matt: We did? Nuts. Are you sure?
Joe: Yes! I won!
Martin: Actually, I won.
Joe: Yup, the important thing is, I won! (Martin sighs)
IL: First, prizes for the Champion team.
Nat: Mulder, come on out.
Mulder: *from behind trees* I refuse to model this.
IL: Come on! It’s not like no one’s ever seen you in one before. You used to wear it all the time to swim laps, back when you were still an agent.
Mulder: Says who?!
IL: Says the second of our 202 secret Tapes of Your Lives.
Mulder: Man…I forgot about those tapes. IL, in lieu of a Christmas bonus this year, may I have those tapes?
IL: What Christmas bonus?
Nat: Come on. *drags Mulder, who is wearing a red Speedo, out into the open*
Mulder: Fine. *blazes down the sand “runway” at top speed and disappears*
Matt: Did I just see what I thought I just saw?
Davis: So THAT’S who the red underwear belonged to. *pause* We’re getting underwear?
Matt: I knew you were going to say that.
Nat: Nope! Your reward is…swimsuits!
Tai: Great, fat lot of help those are NOW. We just finished the swimming part.
Joe: *opening box* You have got to be kidding me.
Jun: What? (Inside the box are one pair of trunks, 2 Speedos, a bikini, and a girl’s 1-piece swimsuit with fancy cut-out designs)
Matt: WHAT?!
IL: Oh…we just naturally assumed Mimi would stay longer than Davis. Oh well.
Matt: Did you hear that? One of the girl’s suits is for you, Davis.
Davis: No way! YOU wear it. You’ve already dressed up like a cheerleader, what’s the difference?
Jun: What a cute bikini! Matt, should I put it on?
Matt: NO!
Davis: I find it so funny that you don’t want to see a girl in a bikini, Matt…
Matt: Do you want to see your sister in a bikini?
Davis: Oh, um…never mind. (IL and Nat leave the boys to fight over the “prize”)
Nat: Now, as for YOU, SmartOnesWhoKeepLosingChallenges, you get to go vote.
Cody: Hey, we didn’t pick our name, Ken did. Now that he’s gone, can we change it?
Izzy: I’d just like to point out how Martin never gets mad or aggravated or anything. This is known as “stuffing” the anger inside. People can do this for YEARS, staying perfectly calm all the time…and then suddenly snap and vent their anger in horrible, explosive ways. In fact most great axe murderers were stuffers.
Just some food for thought. *saunters off*
Martin: Ignore him. He’s just in a bad mood because I’m smarter than him.
TK: He’s doing it again – he’s still being nice. It’s part of his evil plan. He made us lose the challenge too.
(The rest of the kids ignore him and vote)
Nat: All right, time to count them up. #1: Izzy
Izzy: You’re going to regret that.
Cody: Hey, Ken, didn’t you say that once? Ken? Oh right…*pointedly* He’s not here anymore.
Nat: #2: Cody.
IL: #3: Martin
TK: Hah!
Nat: #4: TK!
TK: D’oh!
Nat: And, final vote…Cody.
Cody: Huh? But I haven’t done anything even REMOTELY antagonistic! All I do is pray and explain why you should listen to your elders at all times, and I also protect the holy copyrights from thievery.
Izzy: Take that, Cody.
Cody: It’s not fair…I’m a good person.
CAMP SNOWFLAKE
SF: *perks ears* What’s that I hear? Why, it’s the sound of another human, coming to serve me!
Ken: *snickers* I hope it’s Martin.
Yolei: It sounds more like yelling and crying and cursing.
Sora: It almost sounds like Cody…but Cody doesn’t swear.
Rod: *enters the room* The swearing was from me. Cody grabbed a piece of driftwood as we left the island that he’s been using as a prosthetic Kendo stick.
Ken: Oh, it’s just you. You’re the old arch-rival. Did you bring Martin with you?
Yolei: It seems like you’ve lost a lot of challenges since you voted me off.
Ken: That’s because Martin is still on the team.
SF: New rule: Griping about former teammates is a Class 1 criminal offense punishable by up to 3 hours of Toko massaging. By the way, I’m the police, Snowball’s the judge, and PT’s the jury.
Ken: Oh, goody.
Cody: So, what do we do around here? I mean, besides pray and think about our ancestors.
SF: New rule #2: Discussion of “ancestors” (including but not limited to “Grandpa”) will result in up to one full day of writing songs about the greatness of Tokomons to the tune of “Mary Had a Little Lamb.”
Cody: *gasps* But think of the copyright –
SB: *pipes up* New rule #3:
Ken: None of you are allowed to make new laws, according to your titles.
SF: Did I mention I’m also the supreme ruling sovereign?
Ken: Sovereigns don’t have judges and juries.
SF: This one does.
PT: *sauntering in* Oooh, a new one. Let’s see, what do I want right now?
Ken: A knuckle sandwich?
PT: No, but I am hungry. I’ll take an ice cream sundae with chocolate and caramel syrup – not butterscotch – with peanuts and sprinkles on top. We have Halloween sprinkles, but I only want the black ones. None of those nasty orange things.
Cody: *stands and looks confused*
PT: Don’t you know an order when you hear one? I ordered a sundae!
Cody: But I don’t know where the kitchen is.
SF: Sora will take you. Sora spends lots of time there, making vegetarian meals to suit or whims. In fact, why don’t you go make a salad right now? Include some lettuce, radishes, cucumbers, carrots, broccoli…
Sora: *covering ears* Stooop! Stop-stop-stop!
Yolei: I’LL show you where it is. I’ll eat the orange sprinkles. I’m starving! I haven’t eaten in at least an hour!
BEACH
Nat: As long as we’re all here, let’s explain the next challenge.
Davis: Shucks, I was hoping since we got these bathing suits…
Kari: *slaps Davis*
Davis: Ahh! I just wanted to go swimming. That’s all.
Nat: Well, if you really want another swimming challenge, I’m sure we could arrange one.
All: NO!
IL: We haven’t had a gross food eating contest yet.
Matt: Yes we have…it was called “lunch.”
IL: How about just touching something gross?
Matt: *irritably kicks Jun away* Also well-covered.
Nat: What about something dirty?
TK: YES!
Nat: OK, one dirty contest coming right up. If you’ll look to your left, you will see a giant mud puddle. Our next challenge will be a scavenger hunt in the mud. *shows them the list of items*
Pineapple Macintosh laptop computer, one sneaker, signed-multiple-times T-shirt, portable first aid kit, bass [guitar], soccer ball, goggles, clarinet, and digital camera.
Izzy: Is that my laptop?! What did you do?!
TK: I thought you encased it in Flubber.
Izzy: Well, yes, but it hasn’t been tested for durability in mud yet!
Joe: *frantically checks nearby* Guys! My first aid kit is gone! They stole our stuff!
Martin: No they didn’t. They couldn’t possibly in good conscience have put a musical instrument in a mud puddle.
Matt: Interview Lady + Nat + conscience = mathematical impossibility.
Davis: We never learned that in math.
Matt: Martin, how many clarinets do you think there are floating around here?
Tai: Wait a minute. Are those my goggles or my goggles, the pair Davis stole?
IL: We took them from Davis.
Davis: Wait a minute, then whose soccer ball is in there?!
Nat: That’s yours too. *smiles*
Davis: How COULD you? *starts to go in and get it*
Nat: Ah-ah-ah, we have to explain the rules.
Izzy: *sarcastically* Let me guess. One person from each team dives in, gets an item, runs back, and sends the next person.
TK: But we have uneven teams now!
Nat: Close. One person from each team gets 3 minutes to dig around and find as much as they can before sending the next person. If you want it to be fair, the short team can send someone twice.
Matt: Can we at least have a new order?
Nat: I don’t know why you care, but sure.
Matt: *whispers to self* I will collect everything and thus win…otherwise nobody will find anything and we’ll lose.
IL: On your marks, get set, go!
Matt: *wading into the mud* Wow, this is far less gross than Jun hugging me.
Jun: Careful, Matt! It’s dangerous! Don’t worry, if you slip, I’ll be right there to help you.
Matt: It’s kind of hard to fall in waist-deep mud…hard to move at all, actually…
Izzy: *plunges in* Must – save – laptop! Precious laptop! Goggles…no...some kind of ball, no…
TK: IZZY! If you find something, throw it to us!
Izzy: No time! Clarinet…hell no. *shoves it deeper under the surface*
Martin: *writhing in agony* Anything but that!
Izzy: Ah, here it is. *seizes laptop and hurries out* Poor baby…I’ll clean you up. Don’t worry. IL and Nat will be sorry when I send I-bombs (The I is for Izzy) to their houses…actually, better bomb their whole city, just to be safe.
TK: Is it my turn now?
Nat: Nope. Izzy still has 2 minutes and 19 seconds left of his turn.
TK: But he got out! In the swimming race, that meant it was the next person’s turn.
Nat: Well, you had problems following the rules last time, so we changed them.
Matt: *following in Izzy’s wake* Well, this is easy. *grabs the 3 items* Wow, and I still have 2 minutes! Let’s see…first aid kit…ew, I think this might be a T-shirt but there’s no way in hell I’m touching it…
Oh good, I found everything important except…*gasps* My bass! Where is it? I must find it!
Kari: How dare you imply that my camera is unimportant! TK, go get it. Not you, Matt. I’m not so desperate for it that I’d help Davis’ team win.
Nat: Time’s up.
Matt: *gasps* No!
Davis: I’ll find it for you, Matt.
Matt: Just don’t you DARE break it. That means don’t grab it by the strings, don’t jostle it, don’t scratch it…maybe it would be better off staying in there after all.
Davis: Don’t worry, I won’t hurt it.
Kari: I got it. *pulls out a very muddy bass guitar*
Matt: No! You aren’t on our team!
Kari: Oh well. TK! Catch! *throws bass to TK*
TK: Got it! *holds out arms* Wait, no I don’t.
Matt: Nooooooooo… *guitar crashes to the ground*
TK: *picks it up* Hey, it’s not broken. Matt? Can I play it?
Matt: No! Just put it down. Gently.
TK: Please can I play it? Please?
Matt: Not for $100. Not for 100 years of servitude.
Kari: Look what else I found! A tennis shoe!
TK: Ooh! Gimme! *drops the bass and holds out his arms*
Matt: No! Don’t do it! (*crash*)
TK: Yay! My shoe! *puts in on* Ah, squishy and dirty.
Matt: It’s covered/filled with quicksand and mud.
TK: So??
IL: Time’s up again.
Kari: Your turn, TK.
Matt: Jun, go. *shoves her in the mud*
TK: I’m not going in there, I might lose my shoe again.
Jun: Mattsy, I don’t want to leave you.
Matt: But your T-shirt is in that mud puddle – the one with all the signatures on it.
Kari: I must say – at least you’ve really learned to motivate Jun after all this time.
Matt: Please don’t say that.
Davis: Do you think she’ll wash it now that it’s coated in mud?
Matt: Hopefully, but probably not.
Jun: *digging through the mud* Mattsy, I can’t find it. Help me look.
Matt: Why?
Kari: TK! Go find my camera! And steal Jun’s shirt while you’re at it, so we can win.
TK: Why would I want Jun’s shirt?
Kari: I repeat: So we can win by finding more items.
TK: OK, then I repeat: I’m not going in there because I’ll lose my shoe.
Kari: FINE! I’ll…hey, Martin, YOU’RE nice. Why don’t you go next and help me out?
TK: Man…first Davis, and now him. The things I have to do to keep my girlfriend happy.
Kari: I’m not your…yeah, that’s right, keep me happy.
TK: *carefully removes and sets aside shoes* Here, camera-camera-camera…
Rod: You know, I’m impressed. Nobody’s claimed to be drowning yet.
TK: Duh, it’s mud, not water. Why would you say a stupid thing like that?
Rod: Um…I haven’t said anything for a while. (TK finds the camera, tosses it out, then starts fighting with Jun)
Jun: Give it to me!
TK: No! I found it!
Jun: But it’s mine!
TK: Oh yeah? I don’t see your name on it. I do, however, see MY name… (both are pulling on opposite ends of the signed T-shirt)
Jun: You’re going to rip it! Let go!!
TK: Maybe you should just give it to me.
Jun: But – (with a large RIP, the shirt splits) [a/n: Ooh, bet you didn’t see that one coming]
Jun: *lets out an earsplitting shriek* How DARE you? My baby! *clutches at the ripped piece*
TK: Woohoo! You never said I had to find it *intact.*
IL: True, however, unless you have at least half, you’re closer to 0 than 1; therefore, you would not have found the object at all.
TK: Huh? Oh…but, well, it ripped EXACTLY in half.
Jun: But there are three more signatures on my side.
TK: Izzy, make up a smart-sounding reason why I should get to keep the item for my team.
Izzy: My poor, maltreated computer…*continues to hover over it, wiping away microscopic traces of mud from the already spotless surface*
TK: Izzy?!
Izzy: Sh…loud noises scare it.
IL: In this case, we need an unbiased line judge: Mulder?
Mulder: (having put on normal clothes) After careful deliberation, using government secrets and information, I have determined that TK is the winner.
Jun: Someday I’ll get it back…a little thread, and it will be good as new!
Nat: Well, that’s everything. OK, send one person forward with all your items.
Kari: I’ll take it up. Izzy, give me the laptop.
Izzy: NO! *clutches it*
Kari: Hand it over, or I’ll have Martin beat you up again.
Izzy: ExCUSE me? *jumps up and stands nose to nose with Kari* I’ll have you know –
TK: Yoink! *grabs computer* Here you go, evil radio hosts.
IL: Very good. Back into safekeeping they go.
Kari: Wait a minute. I had that camera when I got to the island. You can’t steal it now!
IL: Watch us. Let’s see. The Champions have 4 items, and the SmartOnesWhoMiraculouslyWonSomething have 5.
Kari: You know, we have an actual name that starts with SmartOnes. Would it kill you to remember it?
Matt: This is all YOUR fault, TK, for not being a gentleman and giving Jun her own shirt.
Tai: Do you realize you just defended Jun?
Mat: What? Oh…yuck. I mean, Jun, why didn’t you fight harder to keep it? *whispers to other teammates* See why we should vote Jun off?
IL: OK Smart Ones, as a reward, you may go back to your camp with this bar of soap.
Martin: Finally, we can clean ourselves up.
TK: Nooo! Viva dirty!
Kari: You know, I’ve been noticing that a lot of times, we’re better off without a prize at all.
IL: You’re happy going without bathing?
Kari: Well, I’m pointing out that there’s only one bar of soap for all of us, and no washcloths, so that’s kind of nasty. I’ve been noticing that it’s usually more rewarding to lose and vote somebody off.
IL: Good point. Maybe next time, instead of voting a person off, we’ll bring someone back.
Izzy: You wouldn’t.
TK: That’s not fair! They got to watch us vote somebody off! I want to stay.
Martin: Yeah – how else are you going to tell us what the next challenge is?
Nat: We’ll send the Toko Copter complete with your favorite Toko.
Martin: Those things still creep me out.
IL: They’re not things, they’re respected members of the radio station family.
Martin: There is something very wrong with you.
Matt: Something? Try everything.
Nat; That’s enough out of you…go vote someone off. (Martin’s tribe walks off, complaining, and Matt’s team votes)
IL: My turn to read the votes! #1: Jun.
Jun: It’s so weird how my name keeps coming up. Mattsy, you should find out who keeps voting for me and beat him up.
Matt: *rolls eyes* Yeah. I’ll get right on that.
IL: #2: Joe.
Davis: Who’s Joe? Oh yeah…that guy.
Tai: The annoying one.
Joe: You wouldn’t vote for me, would you, Tai? *looks hopeful/pathetic*
Tai: I, um, uh…it’s a secret ballot! I don’t have to tell anyone I voted for you!
IL: #3: Joe. #4: Jun.
Matt: *excitedly* Who voted for Jun?
Jun: *clueless* Yeah! Who voted for me?! Get ‘em, Mattsy!
Matt: Shut up, Jun. [a/n: Oh dear…I actually wrote “Mattsy” instead of “Matt” when I started his line]
IL: And vote #5, Joe. Joe, you ARE the worst Digi-Survivor. Goodbye!
Cody’s Distant Voice: COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT!
PT’S Distant Voice: YOU JUST BROKE NEW RULE #3! Time to give me a massage!
Matt: Sound carries remarkably well on this island.
Joe: *quivers* But I don’t want to go to Camp Snowflake!
SF: *bounds up* Come on, Joe! I found some carousel ponies to take us there!
Joe: AH! *faints*
Rod: Why did you do that? Now someone has to carry him. Do you know who that someone is?
SF: It wouldn’t happen to be YOU, would it?
Nat: OK, the next challenge won’t be for a good 3 hours. We need a break…so go on and have fun. You can go swimming if you want.
Matt: Great. If we get anything else from them – envelopes, papers, food, etc. – don’t let Davis come near it.
Davis: Geeze, I make ONE mistake… (the remaining tribe members depart)
--------------
Fun fact of the day: This story began on Valentine’s Day (Feb. 14), 2002, 8:00 PM, at a boys hockey game while sitting in the pep band. On its second anniversary, we were at a boys basketball game while sitting in the pep band…and RS forgot to bring the notebook, thinking Nat still had it. *gets hit with Gelly Roll pens*
Fun Fact 2: This is the last chapter that was ever uploaded to fanfiction.net…the remaining chapters have never been posted online and have been read by fewer than 5 people.
Chapter 9