Chapter 2: Cranium Questions and Partner Lunches

Matt: WHAT? *Feels his face* Oh my God! I have a beard! Help, what am I going to do??
Tai: *gasps* Matt! You saved me from a lifetime of endless short-haired-ness ridicule and shame! You’re my hero! *runs up and gives Matt a hug*
Matt: Let go. Now.
Nat: All right, I have another interview question.
IL: We are done with that segment now. It’s time to move on to games and torture.
Nat: Who cares? Matt, which of the following is more unpleasant: getting hugged by Jun or getting hugged by Tai while you have a beard?
Matt: Well, they are about the same height, and have the same haircut…but Jun really drools a lot. I think I’d have to say, sadly, I prefer Tai.
IL: Hah! Yes! He said it! OK Rod, play the clip!
Matt: Huh?
Tape: In an exclusive interview, we asked the young, hot Mr. Ishida who he likes better: guys or girls?
Matt’s Voice: I prefer Tai.
Matt: Hey! That’s cheating! Stop that!
Rod: Listen to this one!
Guy on Tape: Matt, will you go out with me?
Matt’s Voice: Sadly, I prefer Tai.
Tai: OK, this is starting to look bad for me.
PT: Ooh! Ooh! I have a question!
Tai: No way.
PT: Don’t you think the way Jun always hugs Matt and stuff is romantic?
Jun: I sure do!
PT: Well duh.
Tai: Oh, that’s an OK question. I’ll answer that for the record.
Matt: Shut up –
Tai: No way! Girls like her are gross!
Matt: *slaps forehead*
IL: That really is a good one.
Rod: I know. Listen to the new clip!
Guy on Tape: So Tai, are you really gay?
Tai’s Voice: For the record, girls are gross!
PT: *rolls on the floor, giggling* Heeheehee! I may be a puffball, but I can still damage people!
IL: I think we’ll get more listeners if we make a commercial montage of those clips and play them several times a day.
Matt: You’re sick.
Tai: Evil.
IL: I love our new mixing equipment.
Davis: I’ve got an idea. *clamps hand over mouth and scribbles on a sheet of paper* *writing* I’m not going to say anything! Now they can’t make me sound gay!
Izzy: Yeah, I tried that once. They electrocuted me.
IL: AHEM – going back to the game.
Davis: Oh yes, she was picking teams.
Sora: That’s why we were DISTRACTING her, not REMINDING her.
Matt: We’re not playing any games until I get this beard off my face. I look like Rip freaking Van Winkle.
TK: For some reason, that sounds dirty…
Matt: He’s a classic story character.
TK: Still sounds dirty.
Nat: OK, IL, you make the teams and I’ll be right back. Izzy, you come with me.
Izzy: Do I have to?
Nat: Think about it. *Izzy follows*
IL: Let’s get down to business. To decide which teams you’re on, we’ll have a Jump-A-Thon. Everyone please select a jump rope.
TK: Um, excuse me, but a “jump-a-thon?”
IL: Yes. The first four people to mess up will be on Team 1, the next four on Team 2, etc.
Mimi: Well, I want to be on the same team as the people who win the jump roping contest.
Matt: Yeah, how am I supposed to jump rope with a 24-inch beard??
IL: Deal.
Jun: Matt, this is perfect! I’ll just stop jumping right after you, and we’ll be on the same team!
Matt: Noooo! IL, this isn’t fair! Please don’t do this to me.
IL: Everyone ready? (They grumble)
Ken: May I substitute my whip for a jump rope?
TK: Can I tie my shoe first?
Cody: My jump rope is too long!
IL: Deal! Ready, 1, 2, 3, go!
Tai: Help! My hair is tangled in the rope!
IL: One down! (Tai trips in his tangled rope and crashes into Yolei)
Yolei: Oof! No fair!
IL: 2 down!
Mimi: *whines* I’m getting a blister. This is torture!
Sora: You could quit now.
Mimi: *huffs* I don’t want to be on the Loser Team.
TK: And-a-jump! And-a-jump! And-a—(PT jumps on the rope, causing TK to fall down in a tangle of arms and legs) No fair. Can I start over?
IL: I’m afraid the rules don’t say anything about interference, so I’ll make the rule myself: No.
Cody: You can’t change the rules! The game, or contest, or whatever, already started!
IL: I’m in charge, I can make all the rules I want. If you don’t like it, I’ll have PT jump on your rope too.
Cody: You’ll never catch me! Okay. Run, jump, run, jump.
PT: May I?
IL: Be my guest.
Cody: Run, jump, run, jump, you’ll never get me, jump.
PT: Here I come! (He leaps on Cody’s extra-long rope. Cody trips and lands on Ken, pushing him over)
PT: Four down, five down!
Matt: Must…keep…jumping…
Jun: *Double dutch jumps* Isn’t this fun?
Matt: *pant* Drop dead, Jun.
Jun: Right after you, then we can be buried together side by side for all eternity, just like Romeo and Juliet.
Matt: I never liked them. What kind of idiot would drink poison and die an excruciating death just to…oh wait…OMG! The horrible, unspoken truth! Juliet must have been a distant relative of Jun! Poor Romeo!
Yolei: Poor Romeo?? Poor Juliet! She was only 14! She was not mature enough to handle Romeo’s “death”!
Davis: I watched the Wishbone version. How come Wishbone and Rosie-O didn’t eat rat poison at the end?
Kari: Because that would be stupid.
Davis: Hey, Ken’s not jumping rope anymore! I wanna be on Ken’s team! *throws his rope down* I quit! We’re gonna win!
Ken: Actually, you just significantly lowered the odds of us winning.
Davis: Hm…I don’t get it.
IL: I think we should shock him for not trying.
Mimi: *pant* *pant* Ew, I’m getting all sweaty and my pores are clogging!
Kari: We have been jumping for 1 minute.
Sora: Well, keep jumping or you’ll be on a team with Davis!
*looks out the window! Oh no! Stop him! Stop that man right now! He’s spraying WEED KILLER on the dandelions! *drops her rope to point at him* We’ve got to do something!
Mimi: Hah hah, now you’re on Davis’ team!
Sora: Nooo! I didn’t mean to, I had to save a plant!
Joe: Ahhhh! *throws down jump rope* Ahhh!
Ken: What’s with you?
Joe: Bad memories. *shakes* I don’t want to go into it.
IL: Oh, but I think you should.
Joe: Right now? *bites nails* But everyone is still jumping.
SF: We could tie him up in a jump rope until they are done.
Joe: NO! Help! *runs around the room tripping over discarded jump ropes and narrowly missing swinging ropes and jumping people. He runs all the way around the edge of the room and back to where IL and Snowflake are*
Ahh! *runs around the other way*
SF: He looks like a gerbil on drugs.
Matt: YOU look like a gerbil on drugs.
SF: *shows teeth* I can clip that beard quite easily by biting off your chin.
Matt: *gulps* That’s OK. *glances down* I kind of like it, once I get used to it and all.
IL: Oooh, that’s a good one. Let’s bring out the mike again.
Rod: Got it!
Tape: Matt, you’ve recently come out of the closet, how do you like being open?
Matt: I kind of like it, once I get used to it and all.
Matt: That’s cheating…oh wait, must keep jumping!
Rod: Let’s play it again.
Matt: No! Jump, jump…don’t do it!
Kari: Hey Yolei, I bet I can jump faster than you.
Yolei: I had 20 pancakes and 5 pieces of toast and 6 bowls of cereal AND a power bar AND three glasses of orange juice at breakfast. I could jump all day, except that I’m already out.
Kari: Bawk, bawk!
Yolei: But I’ll jump for the fun of beating you.
Sora: Gross! Normal people would be throwing up by now.
Mimi: That’s as much as I eat in a month!
Yolei: Ready.
Kari: Let’s go. *starts twirling the rope 5 times faster*
Yolei: Whoa! *twirls equally fast while hopping on one foot*
Kari: I can do it backwards! *promptly switches directions*
Yolei: Oh yeah?? I can do it with my eyes closed! *hops at super speed, losing her sense of direction as she crashes into the wall*
OWWW!! Can I keep going?
IL: No. You are out. You were out 8 people ago.
Kari: Mimi, wanna race?
Sora: Why are you not tired?
Kari: Only half of the group is out, and most of them got pushed over. Nobody’s tired.
Mimi: Gasp…choke…I’m wilting! *falls down in a faint*
Kari: OK, ONE person…
Matt: Must…keep…jumping…*gasps*
Jun: That’s the spirit, Mattsy! *begins a jump-rope chant*
“Cinda-rella, dressed in yella/Went downstairs to kiss a fella!”
Matt: Will somebody please shoot her?
IL: Matt, do you know how many people are on a team?
Matt: Four.
IL: Do you realize how many people are still jumping, including you?
Matt: *looks around, still jumping* Me, 2, 3…AHHH! NOOO! Why must you people leave me with ACK!
(Suddenly, the rope catches his beard, twisting it up and yanking Matt to the floor)
That rope just tried to kill me! You all saw it.
Jun: *stops jumping with a flourish, spinning the rope under her feet 4 times before touching ground again*
Oh, Mattsy, you don’t have to kiss the ground I walk on. I mean, it’s nice to know how much you love me, but you can kiss me instead. Just like Cinderella.
Matt: No thanks.
Kari: Jun? How does that song go? *chants* Cinderella…
Matt: You can stop now. You’re the only one jumping.
Kari: *stops* Did I win?
IL: Uh, no. We haven’t started playing the game yet, this was just to pick teams.
*The door opens with a bang, and Nat walks in followed by a sulky Izzy*
Nat: Oh, hello. How’d it go?
IL: Quite well, actually, except Mimi’s unconscious.
Nat: Excellent. I’ve got the pictures.
Matt: What pictures?
Nat: Well, we used some pictures from the security cameras and the hospital, and did some copying and pasting…let’s get out the big screen projector.
(A minute later, Izzy’s laptop is hooked up)
IL: Gather around, children. This will be good. (Blurry images appear)
Nat: Izzy! Fix it.
Izzy: I don’t know how.
Nat: Must you be forced?
Ken: My gosh! You’re like her little slave, aren’t you?!
Izzy: *answers both* NO!
Nat: Fine, I’ll do it myself. *focuses picture*
Tai: That is NOT me!
Sora: That’s, um…interesting.
Matt: *pales* That’s…
IL: That is, to be exact, Matt in the hospital with Jun sleeping on top of him, only with Tai’s face pasted over Jun’s.
Cody: Sick. If my grandpa found out, he’d tell you…
Nat: Funny you should say that, because we just received a letter from Grandpa. Shall we read it?
Matt: Wait a minute. You can’t just go making things up about people and fixing quotes and pictures?
IL: Why ever not?
Matt: It’s indecent!
Cody: Let me see that FAKE letter from Grandpa.
IL: I have a better idea, I’ll read it out loud.
Cody: It’s illegal to open another person’s mail.
IL: You just TOLD me it was fake. *opens it and clears throat*

Dear Cody,

First of all, have you been praying 5 times a day? If not, abandon your soul. Next, is your friend, Yolei, around? I really want a pretty colors drink. Mmm…Pretty Colors…Pretty Colors…
Tai: Aren’t Pretty Colors drinks alcoholic?
Cody: Grandpa is NOT an alcoholic!
Matt: The letter would seem to prove otherwise.

Now Cody, you were recently hospitalized. But when I went to see you, you were in the I.P.T. It is VERY BAD for the Hida family name to hear that one of its members was sent to the CRAZY WARD. If you don’t shape up, I may have to disown you, or take away your Kendo stick. I never did approve of those low-class friends of yours…except for Yolei, of course.

Matt: Who’s he callin’ low-class? I’m a rock star! I mean…I used to be…does anyone remember life before Interview Lady?
Sora: Well, let’s see. We were in the hospital, and before that Valleyfair, and before that, she put us in jail for a long time…
Cody: That letter is not from Grandpa! Grandpa always signs his name with six lines under it and a drawing of a Kendo stick and a prune juice!
IL: You mean like this one?
Cody: *gasps* It’s true! NOOO!
(IL claps hand/paw with Snowflake, who is under the table with a photocopying/superimposing/printing machine)
Nat: Hey Rod, did you find those other slides?
Matt/Tai: NO!
IL: You’ll like this one.
Rod: Um, I hate to say this, but Dave the Angry Manager just called and said we have to keep all clips PG-13 and below.
IL: But that ruins the clip!
SF: This was much easier when he was Dave the FRIENDLY Manager. Oh well.
(the scene shows them walking into the dark Transport Semi, only with all the other kids painted out. The scene then immediately switches to the first picture)
TK: OH! *jumps up and jabs his finger at the screen* That is sick and DIRTY! Dirty, dirty, DIRTY!
Sora: I figured it would take TK at least one second to cry dirty…my bad.
Matt: That was NOT rated PG-13.
IL: But it was. We didn’t use any swear words, or naughty words, there was no full or partial nudity, no extreme violence, not even a crude joke.
Matt: I still see evidence of an adult situation!
IL: Right, which makes it PG-13.
Caller 3: You know what, I don’t blame Matt! I mean, if you had a freak like Jun clinging to you, wouldn’t you get fed up with women?
Matt: *grabs a microphone and yells into it* PEOPLE! Those images and quotes are MANIPULATED! They are FAKE! I am not and never have been…(he looks at Jun, who grins broadly and puckers her lips) *pauses* On the other hand…
Nat: This is it! Now we won’t have to make fabricated clips! Our ratings will soar with a certain percentage of our listeners!
Matt: *shakes his head* No, I will not say anything that helps Nat, even if it gets rid of Jun. You planted that call just to TRY and make me say something I’d regret!
PT: I thought you said their minds were too damaged to have any defense against you.
IL: Well, normally, they don’t.
Tai: Hey, I’ve got an idea. Let’s stop making random gross assumptions and play a game.
TK: *runs across the room and punches him* Stop ENCOURAGING them! You and Izzy are both insane.
Tai: OK, you asked for it. *runs across the room and tries to punch TK* *TK steps aside and lets Tai run and punch the wall, shrugging*
Ken: Honestly. Your chances of hitting anyone are less than 1 in 507. Why bother?
Tai: Right. *flying tackle* (Ken sidesteps him and Tai hits the wall again)
Joe: Is that…blood? *Faints on top of Kari*
Kari: Hey, watch it! (Shoves Joe back into Cody)
Tai: I have a bloody nose! Quick, send me back to the hospital! Call Madam Pomfrey! I’m injured!
Ken: Shut up already, you are so whiny.
Tai: I’ll get you!
Matt: Famous last words.
Ken: What’re you gonna do? Bleed on me??
Cody: That’s a copyrighted phrase from “Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail!” I’m gonna Kendo-stick you!
Ken: Those Kendo stick vs. Whip wars really are interesting, but much too easy.
Cody: Yeah, for me!
Sora: Let’s see you fight him without it then. (she snatches it away) My whip now!
Ken: Hey! *attacks Sora; she lashes whip across his cheek*
Wow. Where did you learn that?
Sora: Just something I picked up.
Cody: I’m waiting, you cheap phrase stealing, unoriginal copy-cat! You’re too either too chicken or too illiterate to make up whole sentences on your own!
Ken: GRRRRRR! (He attempts to tackle Cody, but is fended off by the Kendo stick) Oops. (He swerves just in time, but smashes into Tai, who was just about to “hit” TK)
Tai: Hey, wait! (TK punches Tai in the stomach and Tai falls backwards into Mimi and Sora. Sora lashes people with the whip. Ken goes to beat up Cody)
Mimi: Hey! (She claws at Tai’s face. Cody swings around the Kendo stick but misses Ken and hits Mimi, who falls on top of Kari)
Kari: Hi-yah! (Karate chops Mimi)
Tai: Kari! Fighting is bad!
Kari: Like you’re one to talk.
Tai: Respect your elders.
Kari: You’re an embarrassment to the family. *punches him*
Tai: Hey! Who taught you that?
Kari: Hah! As if I’d tell you…but then even TK probably wouldn’t teach YOU to hit.
Tai: TK can’t punch! I’ll show you. (Cody sends Ken flying between them. Mimi then throws Ken after Cody. All are then lashed by Sora)
TK: Did you say something, Tai? You don’t think I can hit you?
Matt: What the?! I’ve beaten you up at least once a week for the past five years! And twice on full moons!
TK: Come on Matt, let’s take him together!
Tai: Run away!!! *trips over Joe*
Joe: *wakes up* Wha? Ahh! Bad dream! Too much violence! Ah! Run away!!!
TK: *taunts* We’re coming to get you, Tai!
Tai: Ahh! Run away!
Yolei: This is fun to watch.
TK: Hey, Yolei’s not fighting. She wants to wait until after we’re all tired before she joins in. Get her!
Yolei: No, listen! Why fight among yourselves when we outnumber IL and Nat 13 to 2?
TK: And 3 Tokos, and 3 Pikachus, and a Gatomon…
Yolei: *covers his mouth* Revolution, I tell you! Attack! (She runs after IL and Nat)
Izzy: NOOO!!! *tackles Yolei*
Yolei: Excuse me, but I was starting a revolution. (All stare at Izzy)
Tai: Izzy, what have you done?
Izzy: I dunno. *shuffles feet*
Matt: TRAITOR! You protected IL and Nat!
Nat: Dang, I owe you $5. *IL grins*
Ken: Why?
Nat: Oh, I bet her $5 that Tai would be the first one to crack, but she said it would be Izzy.
Ken: Betting. I like it, that’s my kind of game.
IL: Speaking of games…let’s play.
Mimi: Do we have to?
Sora: I don’t want to! I have a whip and you can’t make me do anything!
SF: May I confiscate it?
Nat: Go ahead.
(SF changes to Batpig and flies around the room, then grabs the whip and bites it in 2 pieces)
Ken/Sora: Hey!
Sora: You can’t do that!
Ken: Now look at what you did. You’ve ruined it. Sora!
Sora: It wasn’t me.
Ken: No, but it’s your fault.
Batpig: Grrr…(He keeps them apart and changes back)
IL: We really ought to start the game now. No more interruptions.
TK: I can’t find my bucket hat! I won’t play anything without it!
IL: What did I JUST say?
Joe: It’s over here on the floor!
TK: Thank you! *runs to pick it up and put it on*
SB: *Muffled* Let me out!
TK: What was that? (*chomp*)
SB: *gasps* Oh, much better, I can breathe now.
TK: What was that?
SB: Oh, it’s just me.
TK: Hey – get out of my hat!
SB: I don’t think so.
TK: Are you just determined to spend time on everyone’s head?
SB: My hat.
TK: It’s MY hat. I found it on the beach of Gilligan’s Island.
Matt: No you didn’t. You stole it from a little kid making a sand castle.
TK: Stole, found, same thing.
IL: All right, teams, get together! Tams 1-4, get in the marked corners.
Team 1: Tai, Yolei, TK, Cody
Team 2: Ken, Davis, Sora, Joe
Team 3: Mimi, Matt, Jun, Kari
Ken: Um, that’s only 3 teams.
Nat: Team 4: Izzy
All: What??
Ken: You’re doing it again. I have stupid Davis on my team, but you let Izzy play by himself? You liked his television show better, didn’t you?
Izzy: Of course she did.
Matt: I say we just beat Izzy up.
Izzy: *goes into karate stance*
Matt: *remembers that Izzy can beat up 5 people at a time* Or not.
Nat: Now, for all those who have never heard of Cranium, here are the rules:
Tai: Like she’s gonna play by the rules.
IL: *sends a microphone flying at Tai’s head*
Nat: Ahem. On your turn, you draw a card corresponding to the color of the spot you’re on. If you answer correctly, roll the dice to move to a new color for your next turn. If you don’t, you must stay until you answer a card correctly. Stopping on purple is mandatory. A purple space means you get to pick which type of question to answer. The first one to the brain at the end wins after they answer one of EACH type of question.
Ken: That doesn’t sound so hard.
Davis: I’m confused.
Ken: What else is new?
Yolei: I’m hungry. Can we have lunch now?
IL: Nope! No more distractions. Tai, you’re first.
Tai: Why do I have to go first?
Sora: Because you’re the worst jump roper.
Tai: How come we couldn’t go in order of smallest to biggest hair?
Matt: Thanks to the Skele-Grow on my face, that would still allow me to go last.
Tai: I said biggest, not ugliest.
Matt: I’d punch you if I didn’t agree with you. Anyone have scissors, or maybe a razor?
Tai: I find broken glass works well for cutting hair.
Nat: Sorry, it’s against station policy to provide unstable minds with sharp weapons.
Matt: Who says I’m unstable?
Nat: IL hasn’t been allowed nail clippers for 2 years now.
IL: Never mind. Tai, pick up that card or get electrocuted.
Tai: OK! Touchy, touchy. So…I’m on a green space. *draws a card and reads it* I don’t actually have to do this, right?
Nat: Let me see. *reads it* Oh, yes. In fact, you have to stand up in front of your team and act it out so they can guess you’re doing.
Tai: No way. You’ll tape record it and add to your gross collection if I do.
IL: Or, I could just shock you. *picks up a Pikachu and sets it next to him*
Sparky: *narrows eyes* Pi. Chu. *static electricity crackles from cheeks*
Izzy: Hurry up Tai, I want to start beating Ken already.
Ken: In your dreams.
Tai: Fine. *drags himself to the center of the room and sighs*
Izzy: I just realized something. How am I supposed to get my teammates to guess what I’m doing if I don’t have any teammates?
IL: You’ll just get those ones wrong, I guess.
Izzy: No fair! I’d rather be on Tai’s team!
IL: *shrugs* OK.
Izzy: Wha? Oh great…Tai, act it out already!
(Tai flops down on the ground and waves his arms)
Cody: He looks like he’s drowning.
Yolei: Swimmer? Lifeguard?
Davis: Tai’s a Baywatch babe!
Ken: Don’t help.
(Tai makes swimming motions and kicks his heels together)
TK: There’s no place like home?
Yolei: There’s no place like Atlantis?
Izzy: Narwhale, killer whale, squid, blue whale, humpback whale, angelfish, moray eel, octopus, um…shark?
Sora: That reminds me of my favorite song, “Under the sea…under the sea! Down where it’s wetter…”
Ken: Shut. Up. Now.
(Tai shakes his head and wiggles his feet w/ both legs straight out in front of him)
TK: Ooh! The little mermaid! (Tai nods)
Ken: Sora, now look what you did!
Matt: *bursts out laughing* Ha! Tai’s a mermaid!
IL: You mean they actually got it right? That’s a first.
Ken: Our turn next, come on, we need to catch up. We’re on purple, so…
Davis: Let’s take yellow. Yellow is a good color.
Joe: I like yellow.
Sora: No! Blue!
Ken: *draws a yellow card* It’s called “GNILLEPS.” Oh, spelling backwards.
Joe: *brightens* I can spell! Spelling isn’t scary!
Ken: OK, spell “carousel” backwards.
Joe: *shakes* No carousel…no circles.
Sora: Just spell it.
Joe: OK. E-L…wait, L-E-S-O-R-A-C.
Nat: Wrong! Next team.
Joe: *winces* Hey, how come I’m not being Pika-shocked, or anything?
Nat: We’re lazy. But if you WANT to be shocked…
Joe: No, that’s OK!
Sora: Shock him!
Nat: We’d have to shock the whole team, you know.
Sora: OK, then don’t.
IL: Oh, but I think we should.
Ken: Noooo!
Joe: Run away!
Sora/Joe/Davis/Ken: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
Spazass: Pii…kaaa…CHUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!
(All 4 kids lie on the floor, blackened and twitching*
SB: You’d think they’d be immune to that by now.
IL: OK, Team #3. Mimi, it’s your turn.
Mimi: You mean, I have to walk ALL the way over there just to pick up a stupid card?
Nat: Did you not notice the Pikachus?
Izzy: *shoves her* Hurry up and lose so we can get to my turn.
Mimi: *drags her feet to the front* What’s yellow?
TK: Sunshine and daffodils and something dirty…
Sora: It’s another spelling card. We just had one of those.
Kari: The word is “receipt.”
Mimi: “Ruh-seeped?” What’s that?
Sora: Re-SEET. It’s that little white piece of paper that they give you when you buy clothes in case you want to return them.
Mimi: RETURN clothes?
Sora: Just spell it backwards.
Mimi: I can’t even spell it FORWARDS! Um, OK…T-S—
IL: Wrong! You lose!
TK: OOH! My turn!
Yolei: No, it’s my turn.
IL: It’s TK’s turn.
TK: Yes, she likes me better! Wanna give me back Snowflake – I mean, Tokomon – now?
SF: Absolutely not, you dirty cretin!
TK: I’m not dirty, everything else is dirty. *draws a card* OK. Who’s this? Hum—

SF: Bad TK! *bites him* You have to make your team guess who you are. You can give them clues, but you can’t use any famous places or people.
TK: That shouldn’t be too hard. *turns to team*
S’up? I got a really stupid name and I’ve never heard of myself!
Tai: Gee, that’s helpful, TK. I’m sure that we’ll have no trouble guessing who you are.
TK: I know, I’m pretty good at games.
Tai: That was sarcasm.
TK: What’s a sarchasm?
Cody: Copyright #3052553, right here on this webpage. It’s the gulf between the author of sarcasm and the recipient who doesn’t get it.
Yolei: Izzy, you’re smart. Figure it out.
Izzy: I can’t read minds.
Ken: I can.
Cody: Don’t help them.
Ken: But I want to show off my telekinesis!
Izzy: You don’t have telekinesis.
Ken: See why I have to show it off?
TK: *looks at his card again* *brightens* Hey, I have a kind of dirty name!
Izzy: That would be helpful if anyone besides TK had said it.
Yolei: Let’s think! Bill Clinton?
TK: I know who Bill Clinton is. He’s that weird pervert with the big nose.
Tai: George Washington.
TK: That’s a clean name!
Tai: Well, you only said it was “kind of” dirty.
Tai: Fine then, Dick Solomon.
Izzy: Thomas Crapper.
TK: I wish…but no to both of them.
Yolei: How can you get dirtier than that?
IL: I thought there was a time limit for each turn.
SF: Yeah, but we forgot the timer.
IL: What’s wrong with the clock?
SF: It’s more fun this way. *leaps into the air and comes down toward TK, fangs bared*
TK: AHH! *dives out of the way*
SF: *crashes to the ground, teeth first* What are you doing?
TK: Like I’m gonna stand there while you eat me.
SF: *scrambles up* Get back here, I’m GOING to bite you!
TK: AHH! *runs around the room* My beloved friend Tokomon is trying to kiiiiill meeee! What have I ever done to youuuu?
SF: I can think of lots of things. *runs after him*
TK: Stop it! Why are you chasing me?
Nat: That’s how you know when your turn is over. Snowflake bites you.
TK: That sucks.
Tai: OK, so we lost. What’s the dirty name?
Izzy: And you really care…why?
Tai: Izzy! I’ll pay you…*digs in his hair* 45 cents and a pop tab if you break their recording machine.
Izzy: No.
Matt: Izzy, are you refusing to fight IL and Nat even when you get PAID?
Izzy: Um…they still have my computer. And my services don’t come cheap.
Matt: That computer is like 7 years old. Why do you still have it?
Izzy: It has sentimental value.
Tai: So, TK, what was the dirty name?
TK: Humphrey Boagart.
Izzy: How is that dirty?
TK: HUMP-hrey BEAU-gart.
Izzy: Sick.
SF: Ready to bite TK now!
TK: *jumps over Snowflake to avoid him, and then kicks him out of the way*
IL/Nat/Rod/PT/SB: TK!!!!!
TK: What?
IL: You just broke the biggest rule in the station!
TK: I can’t give my best buddy a little love tap?
SF: *leaps to his feet* LOVE TAP?!?!? *suddenly a weird light surrounds him and he starts spinning* Snowflake, Evil-Volve to…RABID BATPIG!
TK: Crap!
Matt: TK, you idiot! *dives for cover along with everyone else as Rabid Batpig wreaks havoc*
Joe: Run awaaaaay!
TK: Don’t eat me! I’m your friend!
Batpig: *insert rabid animals sounds*
SB: Go Daddy!
TK: Please! Don’t bite me…no…NO!
Mimi: Eek! *reaches ino her purse and pulls out a Zip Loc bag of sand which she throws at Rabid Batpig…the sand explodes* *poof*
SF: Hey, what happened? How come I’m not Batpig anymore?
Nat: Uh-oh. That’s not supposed to happen.
IL: *shrugs* It’s no big deal. He used to do that all the time whenever he ran into a wall.
TK: Mimi! You saved me! Except wait…why did you have sand in your purse?
SF: Let’s try this again…Evil-Volve to Rabid Batpig?
TK: *grabs Mimi’s purse and pelts Snowflake with it*
Mimie: Hey, that’s my stuff! Except the sand…that was Mr. Fry’s.
TK: Who? *continues throwing sand at Snowflake, who continues to switch forms*
Mimi: Well, Mr. Fry, my math teacher, liked sand for some reason.
Nat: Oh! We had Mr. Fry too. IL, let’s call him up. And Snowflake, that’s enough. Turn back.
SF: Darn.
IL: No more callers!
Nat: But this is different. We’ll call him.
IL: Oh, all right.
Fry: Yeah?
Nat: Hi Mr. Fry, this is the NAILS show.
Fry: Never heard of it.
IL: *fumes*
Nat: We have a few of your kids from your classes here that want to talk to you.
Fry: Really? Like who?
Nat: Oh, Mimi Tachikwa, Matt Ishida, Joe Kido, Sora Takenouchi, and Ken Ichijouji.
Fry: Ah yes, those were some of my favorite remedial math students.
Joe: I was not in the remedial math class!
Fry: Are you sure?
Joe: Of course I’m sure! I’m the smartest kid in this room…er…*sees Izzy and Ken glaring at him* The third smartest one!
IL: Although that’s not saying much.
Nat: Actually, I think you’re all pretty dumb. How else could we outthink you/capture you/torture you whenever we want?
Izzy: Well you see…actually, you have a point.
Matt: Traitor!
Fry: Is that Matt? Hey, I remember you! Aren’t you the one…
Matt: *interrupts* Nope, definitely not.
Fry: With the blond hair who used to pick your nose?
Kari: Matt picks his nose?
Matt: NO!
Fry: Yep, I’d start my lectures on asymptotes and you’d get this glazed look in your eyes and the next thing you know…
Sora: *bursts out laughing* Hahahaha!
Matt: That wasn’t me!
Fry: Oh, I think it was...you sat in the third row, second seat from my left.
Sora: *chants* Matt picks his no-ose!
Matt: I do NOT!
Fry: Sarah, is that you?
Sora: It’s Sora, Mr. Fry.
Fry: Oh yeah, I was always bad at names. It took me 2 years to learn how to say Itchy G.I. Jew.
Ken: It’s Ichijouji.
Fry: Well, at least I got the Itchy Jew part right.
Ken: I’m sorry we don’t all have 1-syllable names like you!
Fry: If I remember properly, you had some trouble saying, “asymptote.”
Ken: “Ass-him-tope.”
Fry: Hah! Wrong! Maybe we should change your last name to Asymptote. Then we can call you “Ken Ass” for short.
Ken: Nah, I don’t think so.
Mimi: I can say it: “asymptote.” Mr. Fry’s class was my favorite one.
Fry: Aw, how sweet. Who are you again?
Mimi: I’m Mimi!
Fry: Nope, I don’t remember you.
Mimi: I had pink hair. My name is Mimi. How could you forget me?
Fry: It’s a public high school. Do you know how many different colors of hair there are?
Mimi: Well, let’s see. I tried green, and pink, and orange and purple as well as pink.
Fry: Actually, I had this one really sullen girl whose hair was light blue, dark blue, light brown, dark brown, purple, pink, black, and light green all at the same time.
Mimi: Ooh, what’s that dye called?
Fry: Actually, I always assumed the art room paintbrushes attacked her.
Izzy: Inanimate objects can’t attack.
Fry: Prove it.
Izzy: They have no structure that allows them to move themselves!
Fry: Maybe they do it when you’re not looking. Anything is possible.
Izzy: Shut up.
IL: OK, we’re going back to the game now.
Rod: But I want to hear more!
IL: We can call him again if we - you - get desperate.
Tai: I’m desperately in need of a mental hospital! I haven’t been to Calmwood in like 3 months!
IL: See, some people would call that progress.
Tai: Progress my butt! *claps hands over mouth* I didn’t say it!
Matt: Well sheesh, don’t CALL ATTENTION to it.
Tai : Anyway, about my Calmwood visit…
SF: *silently plays with the copying machine* Here Tai…
Tai: *reads*

From the Offices of Calmwood Mental Hospital
Dear Mr. Tai Kamiya:
This letter has been written to inform you of your 100% pure and complete sanity. You never need to come here again. In fact, we are no longer allowed to let you stay here. Ever. Again. Forever.

Tai: NOOOOOOOO!!
Kari: *rolls eyes* You’re not sane. Don’t worry.
Matt: Ooh! Calmwood! Solitary confinement! *edges away from Jun, then throws himself on the ground, convulsing* Ah-heebie-jeebie snee! Hoyatollah, hi yo-eeeh!
IL: Not convincing.
Matt: Snee-quee-lee-glee!
IL: Nope.
Matt: *pause* I LOVE you, Interview Lady! I LOVE you Nat!
Kids: Ahh, get him out, get him out!
Rod: I still don’t believe him.
Matt: *looks around* Jun, I love you! *gives her a hug*
Jun: I KNEW it! Quick Matt, let’s get married again!
IL: OK, fine, he’s insane.
Tai: Ewww, gross, he TOUCHED it. Her! Voluntarily!
Matt: I love you Tai! *gives him a big hug*
Tai: AHHHH! Help! Let go!
Nat: I don’t believe it! The tape recorder was jammed!
IL: What?
Nat: It didn’t record! That was the best line of the whole show so far, and the damn tape recorder jammed!
Tai: AHH!
Matt: (snapped out of his trance by Tai’s screaming) Ah! Tai is hugging me! Get off! *shoves him*
Tai: You hugged ME first...actually you hugged Jun first and THEN you hugged me.
Matt: I would NEVER hug Jun. Therefore you must be lying.
Rod: We have an instant replay device…
Tai: Yeah, show him. *replay plays*
Matt: Ah, I see you are making fake movies now, IL. I applaud you. The picture is very good.
Tai: It’s not fake! You really hugged me!
Matt : Do you wanna take it outside?
Tai: Nah, I’m good right here.
Matt: All right, fine. *punches Tai in the face*
Tai: Oweeeee!
Kari: Ooh. I think that was the best one I’ve ever seen.
Matt: *bows* Why, thank you.
Tai: Matt broke my nose.
IL: *shugs* Oh well. Back to the game.
Yolei: *raises hand* May I jump out the window now?
Nat: Nope, but Tai and Matt can.
Tai: We can?
Nat: Yes. There’s a big fluffy mattress beneath the window. All you have to do is jump and then you can go home.
Tai: *runs to the window* Hey! There is a big fluffy bed down there with pillows and everything! Come on Matt, let’s jump!
Matt: Absolutely not.
Sora: He’s gone insane again.
Matt: Think about it. Why do they only want ME and TAI to jump into a big fluffy BED?
TK: Dirty!
Cody : That is SO rated R. If my grandpa knew…
TK: Your grandpa DOES know. Remember that letter?
Cody: But that was before all the gross stuff.
Tai: OK, I’ll jump out the window with Jun if I have to, just as long as I get out!
Matt: Good idea. *steers Jun toward the window* Now Jun, make sure you aim just to the right of the bed. That way, the wind will blow you towards it as you fall.
Jun: Really? Wait, how far to the right?
Matt: Oh, as far as you can. Try to hit a spot about 10 feet away. You know, Newton’s Third Law: For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction? So, the more of an angle you jump at, the more you’ll shoot straight to the bed.
IL: No, no, no. Nobody gets to jump except you two. *pause* Actually, Davis and TK could jump if they wanted to.
Rod : Would you cut it out? If you don’t get a plot really soon, Dave the Boiling Mad Manager is going to sell you to the FOX network.
IL: We have a plot. Buried somewhere.
Rod: Maybe you should go back to it.
PT: Can I play with them now?
Nat: What game do you want to play?
PT: Tokomon chess.
All: CHESS?
PT: No, Tokomon chess. That’s where you run around under peoples’ feet and make them scream and they jump around kind of like chess pieces.
Tai: NOW can I go home?
IL: No. *locks the window* Let’s play that game.
Kari: OK, no offense but it’s kind of hard to be scared of a black cotton ball.
PT: *puffs up to the size of a small dog, screeches with fangs bared, and charges Kari*
Kari: *tries to kick him and gets bitten*
PT: I’ll get you too. *charges Matt*
Matt: *dives at the window but hits his head on the glass* Ow! I KNEW that was locked. Why didn’t I jump earlier?
Dave the Angry Manager: *bangs open the door* (PT starts to charge him, sees how big he is, and scuttles back under the desk) What are you doing?
IL: Hi Dave!
Dave: Don’t “Hi Dave” me. Radio shows are supposed to have a plot and a time limit.
IL: We’re also televised. TV shows don’t have a plot. Have you ever seen “The Osbournes?”
Dave: MY station’s shows have to have a plot, or at least a set of questions.
Nat: We do so have a plot. We’re playing Cranium.
Dave: If you don’t ask a question AND get an answer in 2 minutes, you’re fired. *leaves*
Ken: I take it that was Dave.
IL: Yep. So, let’s ask that question. Exactly what shade of red did Dave turn?
Davis: Bright red!
Izzy: I’d say more tomato-red.
Mimi: Really dark pink.
Ken: I’d call that scarlet.
Sora: *whips out a box of crayons and holds the red ones up one at a time* I’ve got it! Wild strawberry!
Kari: Sora, how many crayons are in that box?
Sora: Um, 300. Why?
Kari: I was thinking we could use them as weapons somehow.
Sora: You are NOT putting my babies in combat.
Kari: What about the Kung-Pow crayon gun?
Davis: Can I? *grabs a handful and hurls them at the hosts*
Nat: OW! Those things sting! You’re in big trouble.
Rod: Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t it a BAD thing if they start rebelling?
Nat: Not really. Git ‘em! (Pikachus leap out, giggling)
Matt: Davis! *smacks him and runs*
Spazass: Chu-chu-chu-kaCHUUUU! *shocks everyone*
Sparky: *giggles and gives Davis extra shocks*
IL: I think he’s subdued. Now, as long as our Pikachus are out, why don’t you march back to your seats and get ready to play again?
Jun: OK. *grabs Matt, runs back to her seat, and waits patiently*
Matt: How about if I “mime” killing Jun and leaving the country?
SF: How about if I mime eating dinner made from 3 pounds of Matt?
Matt: I get it.
Davis: Ooh! My turn. *pulls a card which reads “Act out the Lone Ranger”)
Woohoo! *gallops up and down the aisle, pretending to be shooting and riding a horse* *lets out a war whoop*
Ken: I’m gonna say Jesse James crossed with an Indian*
Sora: No, no, no, he’s a drunken cowboy.
Davis: Can I sing a song to help them?
IL: No words.
Davis: OK. *hums the William Tell Overture* Go, horsey!
Joe: Wait, wait, wait, I know this show. Walker Texas Ranger!
Sora: Billy the Kid! Uhh…Texas Ranger? Woody from Toy Story!
Ken: The Sundance kid? Butch Cassidy?
Davis: Did you HEAR my song?
Joe: Walker Texas Ranger! That’s the BEST show.
Ken: I’m sorry, but you in no way resemble William Tell.
Sora: You’re not an elephant, right?
SF: *nips Davis* Time’s up.
Davis: You FOOLS! I was the LONE ranger! Hi-ho Silver??
Sora: Never heard of him.
Davis: Well, where did you get “elephant” from? What a dumb guess!
Sora: *sketches quickly* What’s this?
Davis: An elephant.
Yolei: Is it lunch time yet?
Nat: *checks watch* Nope! It’s only 11:30. Kari’s turn.
Kari: *rolls dice* My word! This has got to be the easiest person to act out in the whole deck!
Matt: *jokingly* Is it Elvis?
Kari: Yep, actually it is!
Izzy: No way!
Kari: Look here.
Davis: How come she gets the easy cards and I get stuck with Walker Texas Ranger?
Kari: Because I’m prettier than you.
Davis: …K. And luckier. I want to be on Kari’s team.
TK: If I can’t be on her team then you can’t either.
Matt: I’ll switch with you any time. (Jun hugs him and smiles sweetly)
TK and Davis: Nah.
Tai: How come you get all the girls on YOUR team? It’s not fair.
Yolei: *hits him* Hey! I’m on your team!
Tai: Oh. How come we don’t have hot girls?
Ken: You think Mimi’s hot?
Mimi: Ooh! If we go out, can I try a new hairstyle on you?
Tai: I don’t even like you.
Jun: Sorry Tai, but I belong to Matt.
Matt: Here Tai, you can have her. Happy birthday, Christmas, Kwanza, Hanukkah, Easter…
Tai: You can shut up already, I don’t want her.
Matt: Not even for $100?
Jun: I’m only worth $100?
Tai: No way.
Sora: Am I not hot??
Davis: What are you guys even talking about?
SF: Next turn! Cody, you’re up.
Cody: *sighs* OK. *tries to hide a notebook he’s been writing in*
Izzy: What’s that?
Cody: Nothing.
Izzy: Bull! Let me see!
Cody: No!
Izzy: *grabs it* Hmm…HEY! *reads* Notes on Izzy Izumi: Patient is mentally unstable. His inferiority complex is quite obvious as it erupts at regular intervals with cases of extreme animal instinct and violent rages.”
Cody: Give that back!
Izzy: I would congratulate you on your usage of big words if I wasn’t so offended. I think I’ll have to beat you to a bloody pulp. *attacks Cody*
Matt: Hey, let me see that! *reads* “Notes on Jun Motimiya: Patient is mentally unstable. She is prone to clinging and is afraid to be alone. Also prone to naiveté.”
Cody: *ouch* Hey! *ouch* That’s mine!
Tai: *grabs the notebook and reads* “Notes on Matt Ishida” This I gotta see. “Patient is mentally unstable.”
Ken: I’m seeing a pattern here.
Tai: “Shows homosexual tendencies including rejection of female affection, denial of the situation, and absence of many typical male behaviors. Note: Favorite song is “Over the Rainbow.”
Matt: None of that is true! My favorite song is “Rainbows Connection.” And I’m NOT homosexual!
Tai: What’s homosexual mean?
Matt: It means you’re gay!
Tai: Who’re you calling gay? (The door to the room bursts open again)
Dave-the-Suspiciously-Calm-Manager: May I see Matt and Tai in the hallway please?
(they follow meekly in silence as the door shuts behind them)
IL: I wonder what that was about?
Izzy: OK, I’m done beating Cody now…
Cody: If I had my Kendo stick…*collapses*
Ken: Where did that notebook go?
PT: *chuckles Right here. It’s mine now.
Ken: Dang. I wanted to see what it said about Joe.
(The door opens and Matt and Tai return, shaking)
Nat: So, what did you boys talk about with Dave?
Tai: Dave said…Dave said…
Matt: “The Talk…” He gave us “The Talk…” but twisted around.
Tai: He said we should be…proud of what we are and stop denying the truth about ourselves.
Matt: And something about…umm, Tai, what was it?
Tai: If we’re homosexual we should be proud, like he is.
Nat: WHAT?!
IL: Hah! “Mr. Ice Blue Eyes,” huh?
Nat: NOT another word.
Sora: What was that about?
Nat: NOTHING.
Matt: *pitifully* I don’t want to be gay. Why does everyone think I’m gay?
Jun: *hugs him* It’s OK. I don’t believe what anyone says.
Nat: OK! On with the game!
IL: Don’t you want to talk about it?
Nat: NO, I don’t want to talk about anything.
Yolei: Can we have lunch NOW?
IL: Maybe.
TK: I want lunch too. But this time, let’s not have cornmeal mush.
IL: How about beet mush?
TK: No!
IL: Watery gruel?
TK: Don’t you know how to buy normal food?
IL: Yes, but we prefer not to waste it on you people.
Tai: *lunges forward* HAH! I got PT! *holds him upside down* I’m gonna drop kick him out the window!
Kari: Didn’t you try something like this before?
Tai: Hmm…yeah, I seem to remember something like that. How did it end? (Suddenly, Snowflake and Snowball leap down from high filing cabinets on opposite sides of his head)
EEEEH! *drops PT, who promptly goes after him too*
IL: (to Nat) Hmm…what would be the funniest way to order food?
Nat: Hmm…take them to the park and tell them to catch squirrels? Nah, too cruel to the squirrels.
IL: Let’s just do the 30-seconds-to-order thing.
Nat: I say we feed them all macaroni and cheese.
Davis: I hate cheese! And I hate macaroni! I’ll take the cornmeal mush!
IL: OK, mush for you.
Tai: I’m a big, strong guy. I need protein to survive.
Nat: OK, here’s what we’re going to do. First, everyone pick a partner (and it has to be someone on your team).
TK: Absolutely not! I will do NOTHING more in pairs.
Nat: You all have 5 seconds to pick a partner.
Cody: *mumbles* Note to Self: TK is mentally unstable. Resents authority and exhibits anti-social behavior…
TK: Don’t you dare write that! I’ll be your partner if you don’t write that.
Yolei: Izzy, you’re smart. You’re my partner.
Tai: Yay! I’m alone! And no Tokos had better come near me.
Jun: Me-n-Matt.
Joe/Ken: I want Sora!
Davis: What about me?
Sora: Let’s see – Ken’s smart, enjoys gambling, AND was my Valleyfair partner, so I’ll go with him.
Kari: I guess that leaves you and me, Mimi.
IL: Well, that was easy. I’m glad we didn’t have to resort to dipping Toko/Pikachu fangs in ink and giving paired tattoos.
Cody: TK, see, why you should just choose a partner?
Nat: Now, here’s the deal: You order lunch for your partner. You can order them ANYTHING that is edible.
Jun: Ooh! I’ll order steak and potatoes for my big strong man!
Matt: Oh, YES! Let’s see. For Jun, I want rancid potato salad, some rat poison…
Nat: But you can’t *coughdirectly* kill your partner.
Matt: Hmm…then I order roadkilled rabbit.
IL: See Rod? I TOLD you to run over the bunnies.
Matt: And super-rare steak with raw eggs. And…um…sushi!
Jun: Sushi’s my favorite!
Matt: Cancel the sushi.
Joe: I’ll be “nice” and order Davis his cornmeal mush.
Davis: Good, I’ll order it for you too.
Joe: NO!
IL: Too late.
Tai: Hah! I don’t have a partner, so I get to order my own meal!
SF: Nope, I’ve decided that WE will be partners!
Tai: NO!
SF: I’ll order you fine wine, filet mignon, fresh fruit, and a good salad.
Matt: What the?! Tai, did you go over to the Dark Side too?
Tai: Lies! Here, see? Snowflake can eat worms for lunch.
SF: What a pity. I’d much rather have had a PBJ. Oh well.
Tai: Like I’d get you what you want.
Ken: Um, I don’t know what to order. How about rice cakes?
Sora: OK. I’ll get you a turkey sandwich.
Yolei: Look how nicely they work together. Get me a big lunch, Izzy, please.
Izzy: You can have 6 Belgian waffles with syrup, strawberries, whipped cream, and scrambled eggs with bacon on the side.
Yolei: That’s IT? Just for that, all you get is a dried-up carrot!
Izzy: Do you understand how much damage I can do to you?
Yolei: Yeah, I hacked into your computer and deleted that whole government folder.
Izzy: YAAAAHHH! (proceeds to attack Yolei)
Yolei: You can’t hit girls! *kicks Izzy somewhere she really shouldn’t*
TK: Cody, you conniving midget with your stupid notebook, are going to eat fruit leathers.
Cody: Fruit leathers?
TK: It’s just like chewy, stuck-together jam. Also, you have to eat sweetmeats, and octopus, and liver.
Cody: EW. Fine, then YOU have to eat cooked grubs. No, wait, Grandpa wouldn’t like me taking revenge. I’ll order a chicken sandwich for you.
Kari: Let’s see. Mimi, I’m ordering you…CHOCOLATE CAKE! HAH!
Mimi: Ew! Then you have to have the cooked grubs!
IL: Has everyone ordered?
All: (some glaring at partners) Yes.
Fax Machine: Reeep!
IL: OK, I sent in the order. It should be here in about 15 minutes.
Yolei: I’m starved.
Nat: Hm, 15 minutes until lunch. What should we do?
Jun: Let’s watch a romantic movie.
Matt: In 15 minutes? I think not. I’m not a movie kind of guy.
Kari: Let’s have another jump rope contest.
Davis: Let’s play Pictionary.
IL: (to Nat) Geez. They sound like you.
Joe: How about quiet time to ourselves?
TK: Let’s read more of Cody’s notebook!
PT: There’s an interesting note in here about YOU, TK, shall I read it out loud?
TK: Nah, that’s OK.
Ken: Let’s argue about it until the food comes!
Sora: Now taking orders for crayon portraits! Only 25 cents.
Tai: That’s OK. (pulls out a rainbow colored yo-yo) I’ve got all the entertainment I need right here.
Cody: *mumbles* More notes on Tai: Carries rainbow colored yo-yo…evidence of…
Sora: What’s with the yo-yo?
IL: Hey! That’s illegal drug paraphernalia. It’s got pretty colors ALL over it. I’m afraid we’ll have to confiscate it.
Tai: No! It’s mine! *runs away* How come YOU get to hand out pretty colors all the time but I can’t even have a nice rainbow colored yo-yo.?
Nat: We’re responsible adults, of course.
Ken: *snorts* Yeah, right.
Nat: I’ll have you know, I’ve been in the child care business…
IL: *coughbabysitting*
Nat: For at least 10 years total, and no charge of mine has ever been mortally wounded. So there.
Ken: HELLO? You were drunk and/or on drugs DRIVING A BUS FULL OF CHILDREN! And that was only like a week ago. You call that responsible?
Nat: You don’t count as children since you’re not technically people
Kari: Yes we are! We’re people too!
Cody: *mumbles to self* Notes on Nat: Mentally unstable, illegal substances, recklessly irresponsible, with frequent occasions of child abuse. Notes on IL: See above.
Nat: Do you realize that I could shock you with 30,000 volts?
Cody: “…often threatens to kill people. Recommendation that she be monitored to prevent possible homicide.”
Nat: Do you want lunch?
Cody: Not really. But I’ll be quiet for a while anyway.
Nat: You’d better. *opens the door* Hello?
Delivery man: Here you go…sign here please.
Ken: AH! It’s the evil FBI agent that sold me to Nat the first time!
Izzy: What are you guys doing -- *stares* HAH! Hi, Mulder.
Mulder: YOU.
Izzy: This is Mulder. During one of my many forays into the U.S. government, I thought it might be funny to tell his superiors about all the money he was wasting investigating X-Files. So naturally, he got fired. I must admit, him turning into a delivery boy is hilarious. He’s even got his cute little “IFFI Delivery Service” hat and shirt on.
Mulder: I QUIT the FBI. QUIT, not fired!
Izzy: Uh-huh. I heard that after you got fired, you went back to poke around in FBI affairs, and then you got blown up in a bunch of Anasazi ruins with Scully.
Mulder: That’s just what we tell everybody. See, my name is Rob Petrie now.
IL: Rob the delivery boy. I like him better than Rod the Producer.
Rod: LIES! OK Mr. Rob, or Mulder, get out of this office.
Izzy: No-no. I want to humiliate him some more. Did you know that this man graduated from Oxford?
Mulder: Shut up. I’ve got more brains than any of you.
Izzy: So that’s why you’re working for minimum wage at like $6 an hour?
Mulder: $6??
IL: OK, off you go now.
Mulder: Wait a minute. You used to interview me. Why aren’t you asking for an interview?
Nat: Because. (He gets chased out by Sparky) OK, now before we feed you, I have to explain the last rule.
Yolei: NO MORE RULES! FOOD NOW!
IL: OK, here’s the trick. You have to eat the food you ordered for your partners.
Matt: NO WAY!
IL: Hee hee hee.
TK: No! No, no, no!
Cody: See why you should always be kind and civil to others? Always live life by the grandfathers.
TK: Shut up.
Sora: It also helps to just be nice to your partner.
Izzy: Heehee, don’t these waffles smell good, Yolei? Mmmm…
Yolei: No fair. IL and Nat are phonies! *stomach rumbles*
Izzy: Too bad, it’s dried-up carrot for you.
Joe: Big deal, we switched meals.
Davis: *finishes his mush* Hey Joe? Are you going to eat the rest of yours?
Joe: *takes a bite and winces* Nah, I’m full. You can have the rest.
Davis: Yippee!
Kari: Anyone want chocolate cake? I’m full. (11 hands raise)
Mimi: You only smelled it!
Yolei: Please can I have it? I’ll trade you this dried-up carrot.
Kari: OK, but only if you share with Mimi. *grabs a handful and shoves it into Mimi’s face)
Mimi: Eeeh! Chocolate clogs pores! My beautiful skin!
Kari: Heeheehee, you should see your “beautiful” shirt.
Mimi: Attack! (tackles her – they both land on the floor)
Kari: You dumb b****!
Tai: *gasps* Kari!
Mimi: You’re trying to sabotage my waistline. It’s evil!
Kari: I’m probably saving you from starving to death!
Mimi: What do you mean? I ate a blueberry for breakfast.
Cody: *mumbles* Notes on Mimi Tachikwa. Subject is mentally unstable. Severe depression results in acute anorexia. Denial results.
(Mimi and Kari continue to roll around pulling hair and clawing at each other)
Notes on Kari Kamiya: Patient is mentally unstable. Shows extremely jealous behaviors as well as early symptoms of nymphomania...
(Mimi and Kari roll over Cody, knocking him down)
SF: Here Tai, have some worms. I’ll just enjoy my gourmet meal.
Tai: Curse you, Snowflake, you and all your satanic spawn!
PT: Yeah! Satanic!
SB: *sings* Nobody loves you, everybody hates you, guess you’ll go eat worms!
Tai: Curse you the most, you little rat!
SB: Mmm…yummy! Open up!
Tai: Gross! *knocks the container away, spilling it on Mimi*
Mimi: EEEEEHHH!!
Kari: Gross, now they’re crawling all over the floor.
Tai: You were trying to feed me LIVE worms?
IL: Rod, go clean those up.
Rod: *sulkily* Make Mulder do it.
IL: Mulder is the delivery boy. You are the lowly producer/task boy.
Rod: I want a promotion and a raise.
Mulder’s Distant Voice: It’s not Mulder anymore! It’s Rod! I mean Bob! No wait…that’s it, I’m ROB!
Nat: Are the kids done eating yet? I want to teach them a new game.
Matt: Nope, I have a lot left to finish. *surveys his raw food*
Jun: Here Mattsy, you can have some potatoes.
Nat: Sharing of food is not allowed.
Yolei: But you let Mimi have cake.
Nat: That was funny.
Yolei: But all I got was half a piece of cake.
Izzy: You should move to France. Did you know they eat a 6-course lunch every day?
Yolei: Really?? I wanna live in France! IL, can we move the show to France?
IL: No, but we can move it outside for a while.
Izzy: Chances of escape are 27% better outside.
Nat: There are attack dogs outside.
Izzy: OK, 12%…let’s go!

*Note: My apologies if the font differences do not show up properly. Cody's Grandpa's letter should be in Lucida Handwriting.

Chapter 3