Capnplank

"Me and Capnplank go way back. We used to steal all the jocks' nutcups in gym class and rub our faces in them. It didn't make their crotches itch like we first thought it would, but it was so enjoyable that we just got addicted and started spending all of our time doing it. I can only hope to one day give birth to one of his offspring." -Saddam Houssein