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"If the defense is ready, you may call your first witness. Please take the stand and raise your right hand. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God? Please be seated, you may proceed...." What's not to love about Kings Island! Why do coaster enthusiasts love to bash this park so much? Really, I ask everyone in this courtroom today, what does this park have to do to get a break from them? Very few enthusiasts I know have anything good to say about it. And yet, everytime I go here, I have a PERFECT day. And I mean PERFECT! I mean 34 rides (GASP!), 2 pieces of pizza, 5 way chili (GASP!), 2 Tropical Paradise smoothies and a rootbeer float PERFECT! Let's start with admission, your honor, I'd like to present Exhibit A. This park gives ACEers half off the admission price. Half off! That's fifty percent! (GASP!) I got into Kings Island for $21 - that's less than I paid to be white trash for two hours at Kentucky Action Park! That's less than I paid at almost all the parks I visited! The park also offers ACEers a courtesy walkback for the first ride of the day on The Beast. Your honor, I'm sorry, I have no proof of this, Cindy and I opted not to worry about it because when we pulled into the parking lot we discovered that it was virtually empty! This park, which even gets criticized for being crowded every single day, was EMPTY! (GASP!) Now let's take a look at the park. This is one of the cleanest parks I've ever been to, something I can say about almost all of the Paramount Parks. The employees here are friendly and efficient. All the rides are run to full capacity, no matter the time of day, no matter the size of crowd. (APPLAUSE) Order! Order! It's pretty! Kings Island is pretty! I don't know how anybody could NOT say this park isn't pretty! Coney Island Midway and Rivertown are two of my top five favorite park areas anywhere! The food - this park is outstanding when it comes to food! Tropical Paradise smoothies, Root Beer Floats, LaRosas Pizza, Skyline 5 way chili, and Montgomery Inn barbeque beats anything I've ever had at Busch, Six Flags or Cedar Point. Court is adjourned 1 hr. for lunch! (One hour later)... The defense may continue. It has tons of flat rides! Drop Zone, Viking Fury, Kings Island Railroad, the Scrambler, Dodgem, Monster, Zephyr, Phantom Theatre, Log Flume, Flying Eagles. The flyers alone are worth admission, easily a close second to the flyers at Knoebels! Dark rides? Phantom Theatre and now Tomb Raider are two of the best dark rides I've ever been on! Log ride? Your honor, I just rode it for the first time and as God is my witness, it's one of the very best in the country! Those laughing heads and the trick elephant at the end were, along with Phantom Theater, the number one highlight in what turned out to be a day CHOCK FULL of highlights! Kiddie rides! What other park in the country has FOUR roller-coasters in their kiddie park? My God, your honor, they have their own inverted! This is without a doubt my all-time favorite kiddie park. Cindy and I debated this at length, Cindy said she would lean toward Idlewild, I swore if I were a little kid I would fling myself on the ground, kick and scream my head off and throw an absolute fit until she took me to Kings Island! Now don't get me wrong, I love Idlewild. I also love Camden Park and a number of other parks with great kiddie rides. But the Kids section at Kings Island completely BLEW ME AWAY. It's like an entire city in there! There were SO many rides, if I were a kid I wouldn't know what to do with myself! I think I'd run over to Nickelodeon and stand there in the water and pee my pants. Without question, this is the finest section devoted to kids, on that there can be no debate! Ladies and gentlemen, let's talk coasters! What's not to love about Kings Island's coasters! We started our day here, on Top Gun. For my money it beats Big Bad Wolf at Busch and every other suspended coaster except Ninja at Magic Mountain. We liked it so much we rode it three times - and thank you to the park for making a great shortcut and leaving it open! Next we rode Son of Beast. Yes, your honor, I'm aware I am under oath. I will concede I not only hate this ride, I hate it so much that I want to hurt it. I want to do things to it, unspeakable things. Things you'd go to jail over. Things my God would never forgive me for. FaceOff, how can anybody hate this. Set aside the capacity issues, it's fun, and the forces this ride generates are intense. You can put it in the middle of the pack, but you cannot say you hate it. Adventure Express, one of the best mine trains in the country, period. We rode this 3 or 4 times and I never got tired of it, in fact I wanted more! It is FUN FUN FUN! (APPLAUSE) Order! The Racer. The most unfairly maligned coaster in the park. SO WHAT if they took away the plaintiffs precious hill, this coaster has AIRTIME, all the airtime you could possibly want! Okay, the forward side is running kind of rough, but the backward side, and especially the first three seats have abundant, exhilarating airtime! And how many parks actually have racing coasters that RACE! We raced almost every single trip, and the ride ops were generous with the lap bars and very very efficient. Flight of Fear. (APPLAUSE) How can you not love this park for what they've done with Flight of Fear! (APPLAUSE) THANK YOU KINGS ISLAND!!! (WILD APPLAUSE) THIS COASTER IS FLAT OUT FUN, A TOTAL BLAST, I LOVE IT! (WILD APPLAUSE AND CHEERS) IT'S VERY NEARLY IN MY TOP TEN STEEL! (HUGE CHEERS) THANK YOU!!! I demand order in this court or I'll have everyone removed! Vortex. Say what you will about it being rough, I don't buy it. That first drop is a killer, and the drop off the midcourse is as well. No, your honor, I'm speaking metaphorically. This is a very unique Arrow multilooper, for my money better than Viper at Magic Mountain and GASM at SFGAdv. The Beast. Okay, I know enthusiasts just LOOOOOOOVE to bash the Beast. I know it isn't the best, your honor, I know it doesn't deserve the No. 1 status it sometimes gets in stupid polls. (SLAMMING HAND DOWN ON TABLE) But it also doesn't deserve the total dismissal and snide comments it generates from enthusiasts who claim it to be worthless. This is an overgrown mine train, ladies and gentlemen. And it has THE BEST helix on any wooden coaster in the world, better than Shivering Timbers, better than Legend, THAT'S RIGHT, better than Twister. It is a one of a kind helix and this is a GOOD roller-coaster. The Beastie, Taxi Jam, Reptar and Ghoster Coaster. My god, your honor, do I have to go on? Allright then, for my last exhibit let me bring out Lara Croft, Tomb Raider. Look at her your honor. She looks like she's been in this park from the very beginning. And what an amazingly innovative, spectacular show she puts on. A genuine original and a true thrill. She does not deserve to be tossed away like... well, like King Cobra. Is she not a thrill? Is she not a welcome addition? Is she not deserving of every accolade accorded every other park that adds a thrill such as this? I say an injustice has been done! Ladies and gentlemen, I beg of you, do not be led astray by the crass, cynical ravings of a bunch of degenerate enthusiasts. These morally depraved lunatics have the attention span of a gnat and the genitals of a JACKAL! These Godless buffoons would have you believe this park is nothing but a waste of time! NO! I say unto you, this park is great! More than great! This park is........kind. Kind and good and great. Look at them. Just look all around at them. See the kindness. See the pretty. See the park that THEY would have you turn away from! See the good in a place that has so much good going for it! And tell the world! Be silent no more! Take off your clothes, go to the top of the Eiffel Tower and shout as loud as you possibly can: I LOVE KING'S ISLAND!!! Your honor, the defense rests! Up Next: Indiana Beach