No detergent can clean what you’ve done to me
I scrubbed till I bled, but still feel filthy
I hide in the corner memories washing over
Engulfed in sea of misery, drowning in it
I sit curled over, hoping for foetal-shaped comfort
Waiting for an apology
Or maybe permission to forget
In vain I try and exclude the past
But it claws its way back
Reaching, clinging to my memories
Like a hand around my fragile heart
Squeezing me dry
I want to call out and no words escape
But who would listen even if I spoke?
Who would believe?
In time they will all know
Floating visions of that night erode fleeting peace of my slumber,
The only time I’m allowed to breath
I remember your laughter looming over my tears
Made all the more tangible as I tried to fight you
The more I struggled the louder you laughed
So I stopped
Bit my tongue hard as I dared
You could no longer feed on my fear
You weren’t getting the high you’d hoped for
The power trip you craved
So like an old rag doll you threw me aside
No fun when we don’t fight back?
Instinct took control
Took my chance and ran
Fled for my life
Footsteps echoing on rain-stained pavement
Screams filtered out by the night
I jerk from restless visions
The past put back in its box
My hand slides down to my unborn foe
Child conceived from hate
How can I love the one from you
But I cannot kill what you gave
Another wrong would not undo this pain
Sobs erupt from my chest, caught in my throat
Eroding any hope of a decision
If I keep the foe
One day it will have to know
Who and what the father is
The monster who took what was not his to take
When ‘no’ was clearly said
But if I let it go to another
How will I know
How half of what’s me will turn out?
Maybe I can steer in the right direction
And produce something better
Then the nothing of a termination
Only time will tell
How I feel when I first hold in my arms
The bundle of love born of hate
I send this to you
Read if you dare,
What’s become of your victim still in hiding
Smile if you like, I’ll keep out of your sight
But the last laugh will be on you from me
You think I won’t tell, that I’ll be hiding forever
Too ashamed to own up to what happened
But I’ll wipe that smirk of your face
Because when all is said and over
I’ll have a baby
And you will be left,
In a cell with four walls and a shelf
