Original Date of Completion: 1999
Rating: PG
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12-21-90
Dear Diary,
I hate my life. I've begun to hate every little part about it. I was happy once. But that time is just a distant memory. Certain things, people have stomped it from me. And as every other part of my life, no one seems to notice, let alone care.
Where does my depression stem from? There are a lot of key factors. The first of which, for me anyway, a shrink may see it different, is lack of adequate sleep. I have not had a good night of sleep in God knows how long. Blame it on a TV being turned on at six a.m., when I went to bed at four. Or be it a stupid, drunken old man, stumbling in after a night of drinking himself even stupider than he is sober. Or be it two little bastards, and their bitch mother yelling at the top of their lungs at six a.m. Anyway you slice it; my old friend sleep has left me, much like most of my friends. But sleep is just the beginning of my depression. There are many other parts in this screwed up package that is I.
Let's blame the next part on my family, if it can be called that. It's more like backstab artists if you ask me. They specialize in talking about each other, and never in a good way. And the good ones of us who don't do that (Me, Mom, Grandma, that's about it) are the ones who are spoke of most often. I always thought Aunt Claire was a person I could trust, but she too has become one of them. Nice family right? Don't make me laugh. I'd trade them all, minus a select few, for a Grape Slurpee and a good night's sleep. But I wouldn't get the sleep. The whole lot of them aren’t worth much more than a Slurpee.
But my Mom's side of the family can't be blamed for everything, though they can be for most of it. I can blame some of this on the man who claims to be my father. Well actually, I'm not sure he claims to be to anyone else but me. His stepson from his crack head ex-wife is more important than the son he abandoned for 16 years. Glad to see someone has their priorities straight. Am I bitter? Never. What made you think that?
In all actuality though, he hasn't been around to cause any of my problems. Though, when I think about his no shows for holiday's and other major life events, I get depressed more than my usual state. I used to blame him not being there for my being Gay. But with my state as of late I've been doing a lot of thinking. And I've come to realize that it's nothing I can control. And regardless of what the bible says, it was God who chose this for me.
Onto the next subject, the dreaded G word. I'm not ashamed to say it anymore, to you at least, but you're paper. I AM HOMOSEXUAL. That's right, a full-fledged homosexual. None of this bi stuff, which was really me denying who I am. I may not be ashamed of it, but that doesn't mean I don't curse it. I can handle being Gay. But why as part of this family? The biggest bunch of bigots this side of The KKK. I attribute a lot of my depression to those two things, coupled together. But they'll never find out about it. At least not until I'm ready to deal with it. They hate me as it is. I'll be damned if I give them a "reason." There is only one person alive who knows this, and that's Mom. She was the only person I knew wouldn't abandon me, even though she is 50 billion miles away from grasping how hard this is on me. But I can't fault her, she's tried. But there is still no one I can talk to about this, because I know Mom is not comfortable with it. A shrink would be a waste of money. There is no way in hell I'm telling this to a complete stranger. But then again . . .
The last part of my depression can be attributed to friendship, coupled with the Gay thing. As much as they irritate me, they are my friends. But can I really call them that? Because I know if I were to come out, I would lose them all. Well probably not Joy. But the only sure way to know, I'm not ready to try. I don't know if I'll ever be. At least not while I'm stuck in this state. The short jolts of happiness I get are from my dreams of leaving this state and doing something with my life. But in reality it seems far out of reach. I'll probably wind up stuck here in Rhode Island, managing a K-Mart like every other faceless slug this state can produce.
Forgive me for being self defeating. But as I've said, I'm depressed. Anyway, My hand is going to fall off soon. Thanks for listening, I needed to say all that. Until tomorrow. . .
~Lance
© 1999 Triple X
