Rating: R
Original Date of Completion: 2003
Notes: This is from the perspective of Fictionalized Sean Avery
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I wish I didn't do the things I did. I wish that was still back home, sitting in my room, reading a book like I used to. But instead, I'm in College, spending another night drunk, and listening to people talk about what time tomorrow's kegger is going to start. That's all this college is about, keggers. Keggers, where if you don't get laid, well, then you're probably not there. You're probably sitting at home, reading a book, like Boyd. Or in the hospital because one of the drunk idiots ran you down, like Ryn. Or doing whatever it is Curtis and James do together. They all seem to live fine lives without the keggers. James was able to break away from them, but I'm still somehow held in. The more I try to struggle, the further I'm pulled in.
I let them manipulate me. Before I got to this school, I was nothing like I am now. I never drank, I never did drugs, I'd never even kissed a girl. There was one big reason for that, but back then I couldn’t even say it. I'm gay. It's not so hard now, everyone knows anyway. If someone dared call me it, I'd pound their faces in. But it's not so bad knowing everyone knows, just in a silent way. I'd probably be liked more if I got a big rainbow banner and ran around screaming "Hey, I'm gay!" It's bad when you can be more accepted being gay than being on the hockey team.
We're the black sheep of the school. Everyone knows what the hockey team is all about; alcohol, sex, drugs...rape. None of them will say it, but that's exactly what it is. Rape. Boyd, James, Curtis, that's what we did to all of them. Kirk always says "It's just harmless fun." It's not harmless. It kills them a little bit more each time we do it. And though I'll never admit it to anyone, it does the same thing to me. I don't want to do the things I do to Boyd. But I get around Jiri, and Manny, or any of the others, and it's like something takes over. A poison spreads through my body, and I can't control myself. I...force myself on him. I do unspeakable things to him, just so everyone will accept me. I can't handle being rejected. I lived like that too long. Once I got here, everyone accepted me quickly, because I did what they wanted me to. I drank the beers, I went down on the guys, whatever it took for me to get accepted, I did. And somewhere along the lines, I did something I knew would get me rejected. I fell in love with Kirk. I didn't want to. Hell, anyone in their right mind wouldn't want to fall in love with him. But there's something inside him that makes it happen. It happened to me, and it happened to James. I kinda feel bad for what happened to James because of it. But on the other hand, I hate his guts because of why it happened.
Kirk loves him. That's why he did the things he did to him, he couldn't handle it. He couldn't look at himself and say "I'm in love with James." He couldn't handle loving a man. Hell, I know the feeling. It took me awhile to actually be able to say "I love Kirk." After I said that, I asked myself WHY I loved him. I could never come up with an answer, still can't. When Kirk finally said to himself "I love James", he immediately followed it up with "I can't love James." So he turned into an evil, filthy, down right disgusting bastard. He did some terrible things to him. You know it's bad when Mac, his best friend, says "Maybe you should think about taking it easy on him." I never said anything. Because secretly, I loved it. I liked seeing James be hurt like that, because he got something I never did. He got Kirk's love. He still has it. Kirk is obsessed with him. When I stay the night with him sometimes, I can hear him mumbling "James" in his sleep. That really pushes me a little bit closer to the edge. It's been so long since I told Kirk I loved him. But I'm still just as much in love with him now as I was then. Maybe even more. And I hate it.
So, I do the things I do. Fueled by hurt, and wanting to be accepted, I pick up the beer. That starts the chain in motion. By the end of the night, you could make a man sized pyramid with the cans I've drank. And you'll usually find me one of two places the next morning; either passed out next to the toilet, or in bed with some of the guys and a very unwilling participant. I wish I could stop, but I don't think I'll ever be able to. I sometimes wish James would take me on like a child, like he did Brett. Brett wanted to get help all that time, he just needed someone to force him into it. He's going to come out of there a different person, a good person. Meanwhile, I'll still be getting drunk, getting high, and having sex with someone that doesn't want me, just to be accepted.
I'm not strong enough to get help. I can't take the possibility of getting rejected again. I wish I knew that I could get help, and the guys would still want to be my friend. Or I wish that I could get help, and know the James, and Curtis, and Boyd would want to be my friend afterward. But I know that'll never happen. I've done too many things to all of them. I've made my bed, and now I have to lay in it. Because there's no going back. Sean Avery is dead. And I'm nothing now but Sean, the guy that will do anything, just to be accepted.
END
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