Rating: R
Original Date of Completion: 2003
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He doesn't seem to understand that he DOES protect me. He may not be the dashing hero on the white horse coming to rescue me from the evil King, or in this case evil Kirk, but he protects me in his own way. He protects me by loving me. Since I've been at college, I've known the love of three people. But Curtis is the only one I really believe. He makes me feel whole. I feel safe when I'm in his arms, and that's an amazing feat with all the people out to end and/or ruin my life. No matter what happens to me in the course of a day, I see him, and look into those blue eyes, and I'm protected. When I'm with him, nothing can phase me. No one has ever made me feel like this.
Not even Kirk. As much as I loved him, I never felt safe. I was always waiting for the switch to be turned back, and him to go evil on me again. That last time, I don't know why it happened, but I didn't let it bother me. By that time, the love was all but gone. I was sticking around for the sex, and that was it. When he flipped out, I may have shown emotion to his face, but when I was out of sight, I was almost ecstatic with joy. Chrissy, Tammy and I had quite the celebration that day. That night, as the three of us argued over a bottle of pink champagne, I vowed that I was done with hockey players.
Then I met Curtis. And the second I saw him, I knew that whole vow was right out the window. It sounds corny, but there was like a connection the first time we locked eyes. Of course, Kirk tried to screw it up, the herpes rumor again, but I didn't let it happen. Something inside told me that Curtis was my one. After being shit on so much in my life, Curtis was my payback, so to speak. All the shit with Kirk, the drama with Shawn, whatever it was with Dom, it all stopped mattering. From the first time Curtis touched my hand, I knew that I was in love with him. He was an angel sent to me from above, there was no other explanation. I just knew that nothing could touch what we had. It was perfect.
But of course, Kirk couldn't have that. I'm sure he plotted his evil little heart out trying to think of a way to come between me and Curtis. And what better way to do that than to start with the manwhore garbage. I didn't think for even a second Curtis would listen to it, but he did. He looked me straight in the eye, rambled something about if I liked Kirk so much I could go with him, and then he left. My heart broke. He didn't give me any chance at all to explain. He took what Kirk said at face value, and he left. I couldn't believe it. I don't honestly remember a thing Kirk said to me after that. I just remember running into the bathroom and curling into a little ball and sobbing until I passed out.
When I woke up, they'd gone, but there were new decorations on my walls. I broke down again, and crawled under the blankets. I cuddled up on Curtis' pillow and shut my eyes, pretending it was him. His scent was faint, but it succeeded in killing my tears. I hugged the pillow tightly and begged anything that could hear inside my mind to bring him back to me. I felt so alone, and so vulnerable. If Bobby had walked in at that moment, I probably would've let him win. If Curtis didn't want me anymore, I had no reason for living. Because I know he's irreplaceable, and he was the one person on this Earth I was meant to love.
He came back to me. But he came back hurt. Kirk had hurt him. Kirk hurts everyone. He still tries to hurt me, but I don't let him succeed. Well, he succeeded this time. Indirect hurt is the worst kind. What he did to Curtis hurt me more than anything he could've done to me. Curtis is so sure it's his fault. He keeps saying how he deserved it because he left me, how he knew he should've let me explain everything. I really can't find what to say to that. I just hold him, and stroke his hair, trying anything I know to comfort him. I'm not sure how good I'm doing. I tickle the back of his neck, and I hear him giggle through his tears. He rests his head on my shoulder and I rub his back before I get to my feet and drag him back into the bedroom.
He gets undressed for bed while I lock up the room, bracing a chair against the door just in case. He crawls under the covers and flips onto his side, wrapping them over his head so only his face showed through. He smiles at me as I undress, and I lean down and kiss him softly on the lips. I crawl over him and get under the covers and wrap my arms around him. I kiss him on the cheek, and I hear him sigh.
"I don't deserve you," He says quietly, completely serious.
I frown and sit up on the bed. He flips over onto his back and stares up at me. I see a tear glimmering faintly in his eye, and reach down to wipe it away. He sighs again and pushes my hand away.
"God, will you just stop?" He cries, emotion flooding his voice.
"What? What did I do?" I ask confusedly.
"Why do you always have to be the one comforting me? Why can't I be the one protecting you?"
"Curtis...."
"I know why, because I'm a wuss. And one day you'll get sick of it and leave me for someone who can actually protect you instead of running scared,"
"Whoa, wait a minute," I snapped sternly. "I'm not going to leave you, ever. You got me? Curtis, I don't need you to protect me with brawn, or big muscles or anything. You protect me in your own way,"
"He sighed, and muttered under his breath. I couldn't quite make it out, but I'm sure it was something like "yeah, right."
"You do," I said, moving to the middle of the bed and pulling him to a sitting position. "Just being with you makes me feel safe Curtis. I don't care if you get scared when Bobby is around, I do too. I don't care that you still have a nightlight, in fact, I adore that about you. And I don't like walking in the dorms past 2 either. I don't need you to protect me by being tough, I just need you to protect me by being you,"
He goes silent and stares down at the bed. I want desperately to take him in my arms right now, but I know that’s probably not the thing to do right now. I settle for resting my hand on his knee, squeezing it occasionally. He never seemed to understand how he made me feel, but maybe he did this time. Everything I'd said to him came straight from the heart. I never did that. I always rehearsed my words, to stop myself from saying or doing something stupid. But this time, I just let it flow. Curtis had to know how he made me feel. He had to know that I didn't care about brawn, or muscles. Curtis was perfect the way he is. He doesn't need to be brawny to protect me. And frankly, his body is drool worthy already, so. He protected me much better in his way than anyone could ever think about doing physically.
"I just want to be your superman, you know?" He says after a long silence, bringing his eyes back to mine.
"Curtis," I sigh, grabbing his hand in mine. "I don't need Superman. I need the guy who will cuddle with me when it storms. I need the guy with the teddy bear. I need the guy that loves me. Curtis, I need you,"
He takes a second to digest what I said, but a smile slowly creeps to his face. He extends his arms, and I eagerly move up the bed and relax into his arms. He rubs his hands on my back, and I sigh and kiss him on the neck. He sighs and kisses me lightly on the collarbone.
"I need you too, James. More than you'll ever know,"
"I love you, Curtis,"
"I love you, too. So much,"
We pull apart far enough to share a kiss. The second his lips touch mine, I'm back where I need to be. I think he got it now. I think he may finally understand just what he means to me. I'm sure Kirk and his asshole cronies would try to screw us up again, but I'm not worried now. Like I said before, nothing could phase me when I'm with Curtis. Because when I'm with Curtis, I'm blanketed in a feeling only he could give me. I feel protected. And that's a feeling I could learn to love.
THE END
© 2002 Triple X