Rating: PG-13
Original Date of Completion: September 2002
Disclaimer: I own them all, you can't have them. This is all fiction from my demented little mind, so you can't sue me.
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Kirk's POV
I woke up the next morning to a splitting pain in my head. I'd cried myself to sleep last night, and I was definitely feeling the effects of it today. I slowly sat up in bed and glanced over at the clock. 7:43 glared at me ominously, reminding me of what I had to do in just over an hour. I had to concede victory. I was letting Sergei win. I didn't have much of a choice, regardless of what Mac said to me last night. I couldn't live with myself if he were traded away from Julie, and away from his kids. I've taken him from them once, I'll be damned if I'd let it happen again, knowing full well I could stop it. Letting Sergei win was the last thing I wanted to do, but I knew that I had to. I knew that this would all but ruin my life, everything I have revolves around this team, but it was a small sacrifice. My life to protect the kids, and to protect Julie, was a small price to pay.
I stumbled tiredly out of bed and made my way into the bathroom. I started the shower water and sat down on the edge of the tub. I sighed and ran my hand through my hair. I peeled my shirt off and tossed it to the corner of the room. That's when it hit me. I was still wearing Kris' clothes. The tears crept quickly back to me, and I dropped to the floor. I buried my head in my knees and sobbed. That could be the last time. Last night could've been the last time we ever kissed. And that wasn't even a real kiss, with all the sobbing and sniffling interrupting. I hadn't told him what I planned to do. Because I knew he wouldn't let me, and this was something I had to do. I just told him that I was scared, that was all, and he'd held me while I cried. I think we sat there in his front yard like that for at least an hour. Then I went home, and proceeded to sob some more, and call Ken Holland for an appointment today at nine. He'd asked why, and I'd just said it was important. He didn't ask questions, just agreed to meet me at his office at nine. When I hung up the phone, I sat down in front of my window and cried until Mac interrupted.
I could tell how much this upsets Mac. He gets that fatherly feeling going, and he thinks it's his place to look out for us. There was nothing he could do for us this time. He told me everything that Kris would've said if he knew what I was planning to do. No one would understand why I felt the need to do what I needed to do. I'm not even sure I get it, but it's there, and I know I have to do it. I just wish it didn't hurt so bad.
When my sobs slow to just silent tears, I finish undressing and step under the shower. The steaming water takes my mind away from my world, albeit only briefly. When I step out of the shower, it's like I'm punched in the gut. Everything comes flooding back to me, and I feel the tears slipping from my eyes again. I try my best to ignore them, and it works for a second, until I step into the bedroom. Then I see Junior, and I lose it again.
I collapse onto the bed, still clad in a towel, and pull the bear into my arms. I sob against it quietly, trying to convince myself to be strong. That's what I was trying to do in this situation, but I felt anything but strong. I felt weak, feeble...scared. I wanted nothing more than to crawl under the covers with Junior and hope that this just went away. But I knew that would never happen. I was the one person who could do something about this, when I felt the least qualified for the job. I could barely think about it all without breaking down, I don't know how I planned to fool Holland into giving me a trade. I was so unprepared for this, all of it. I wasn't prepared to talk to Kenny, and pretend that I wanted a trade for no real reason. I wasn't prepared for any questions he might ask. And I wasn't prepared to deal with the consequences of this all; I wasn't prepared to let Kris go. That was something I could never prepare for. I'd never be able to understand how Julie could do it.
I sniffled, and wiped my eyes on Junior's jersey. I sat the bear back against a pillow and sat up on the bed. I ran my hands through my hair then walked over to the closet. I pulled the towel from my waist and tossed it toward the laundry hamper, missing by a mile and hitting my desk. I shrugged with a sigh, and turned back to the closet. I pulled out the first outfit that matched, and slipped it on as quick as possible. With all my sobbing sessions this morning, I had to be running short on time. I tucked my shirt messily into my khakis, then walked back to the bathroom. I slipped on some deodorant, and a few shots of cologne, then stared at myself in the mirror. I looked like, for lack of a better term, shit ran over twice. I shook my head and walked from the bathroom.
I stepped back into the bedroom and glanced around for my keys. Be it from my tear impaired vision or just from lack of effort, I couldn't find them. I turned from the bedroom and shut the door behind me. I walked the small distance to the kitchen and grabbed my spare keys from inside the refrigerator (Don't ask, that's some place I knew I'd never lose them). I slipped them into my pocket with a sniffle, then walked into the living room. I grabbed my jacket as I stepped out the door, and made my way down the stairs.
Slowly, I walked to my car. When I reached it, I had to stop and close my eyes, pushing back the tears. I reached for the door handle and saw my hand shake. I clenched my hands together and took a deep breath. I was scared to death. But I couldn't show it, or this whole plan wouldn't work. If I went into his office and started bawling, Kenny would know something was up, and the whole protecting Julie and the kids would be out the window. I had to be strong. I took another deep breath, then opened the car door and climbed inside. I fired up the engine then gripped tightly on the steering wheel. 'Just be strong,' I told myself as I backed out of the parking lot. 'Just be strong.'
* * *
By the time I reached Kenny's office, I'd succeeded in killing the tears, and convinced myself to just be strong. After everything was taken care of, then I could have my breakdown. And it would be a big one; just the thoughts of the outcome of this meeting caused more pain that I'd ever felt in my life. I'm glad the season is still a few weeks away, I have a feeling I'd be pretty worthless to a team for a while after this. I closed my eyes and laid my head against the steering wheel. I whispered "Just be strong" under my breath a dozen times before I believed it again. I sighed and stepped from the car. I slipped my sunglasses into my pocket, and slowly made my way to do the hardest thing I'd ever have to do.
Ken's secretary (I forget her name) smiled as I walked in and told me to take a seat. I nodded and sat down in one of the plush red chairs that filled the office. I glanced around the room briefly, then dropped my gaze to the floor. The walls were covered with various team photos, if I kept looking at them, I know I'd wind up breaking down. So I stared down at my shoes until the secretary told me I could go in. When she did, I had to take a deep breath to get the strength to stand. I clenched my hands together and slowly walked to Ken's door. I sighed as I turned the knob. 'Here goes nothing,' I told myself as I pushed the door open. 'Or actually, here goes everything.'
I walked into the office and closed the door behind me. I turned and smiled at Ken, then walked to his desk. He stood up and extended his hand, and I shook it before sitting down in one of the black leather chairs in front of his desk. Ken pulled a folder from his desk and sat it in front of him. He opened it and glanced over it quickly. He clasped his hands together then stared at me.
"What can I do for you, Kirk?" He asked, picking up a piece of paper from the folder. "Your contract isn't up until June, and we had a negotiation meeting set up for March."
I sighed and bit my bottom lip. I stared down at the floor and took a deep breath. "I need a trade," I said quietly.
"You're a very integral part of this team, Kirk. We'd hate to lose you. Tell me anything I can do to change your mind," He said concernedly, shuffling papers on his desk.
I sighed and felt a tear slip from my eye. I wiped it quickly on my shoulder and prepared to speak. I felt my chin quivering as I opened my mouth, and gripped tightly onto the arms of the chairs. "It's just....I just need to be traded,"
Ken sighed, and the room went silent. My world was beginning to spin. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes, and had to jam my eyes shut tightly to keep them from spilling over. I'd done it. I'd done what I planned to, but I hurt more than I ever expected. My heart felt like it'd been cut from my body with a pair of rusty hedgeclippers. I wished seriously for the first time in my life to just stop breathing. I gripped tightly on the arms of the chair, willing back the tears. My body was beginning to shake, and I could feel my throat closing up. I needed to get out of this office, quickly. I took a deep breath and lifted my eyes from the floor. Ken leaned forward on his desk, hands clasped together, eyes staring at me intently. Just as he opened his mouth to speak, his phone rang.
"Yes? Uh huh. Yes. I understand. I'm in a meeting right now. Uh, how about noon? Okay, see you then." He hung the phone up then looked at me. "Kirk. Why don't you tell me the reason you need to be traded?" He asked firmly, staring deep into my eyes.
I sighed and closed my eyes again. I knew by now that my tears were showing, and turned my eyes away from him. "I just need to be traded Kenny," I said quietly, trying my best to disguise the emotion flooding over in me.
"Mhmm. And this has nothing to do with Sergei coming in here and asking me to trade Kris?"
My head shot up and my eyes connected with his. His face was blank and emotionless, making it impossible to read where that came from. Would Sergei have actually told him why he wanted to trade Kris? He couldn't have, that would make him look to bad. What did Kenny know? Was it safe to tell him why I wanted to be traded? My heart thudded painfully in my chest. I was starting to feel light headed. I closed my eyes and rubbed at my temples with my hands. I couldn't tell him the whole story, not without knowing what Sergei had told him. If he hadn't told him anything, I'd be setting both of us up for big problems. The whole purpose of this meeting was to protect him, and Julie, and the kids. I wouldn't be doing that if I outed him, and Ken happened to be a homophobe. I sighed and stared at Ken. I took a deep breath and shook my head slowly.
"It has nothing to do with Kris," I said convincingly, not taking my eyes from him.
Kenny sighed and shook his head. "I'm not buying it. I know there is something else going on here, and I don't understand why no one can tell me what it is,"
I clamped my hands tightly onto the arms of the chair and dropped my gaze back to the floor. A part of me was screaming to tell him the truth, to take the risk and get it out in the open. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. I wasn't much of a risk taker, especially with something this important. If Kenny wanted to know what was going on, he'd have to find out from someone else. Because not only do I not have the guts to say it, I don't think I could say it without having a breakdown. How I was holding out now was beyond me. I looked back at Kenny and took a deep breath.
"I don't know anything about Kris and Sergei. I just want out of here. So can I have a trade or not?" I asked emotionless, keeping my eyes locked on him.
He sighed again and rubbed his forehead. "I'll let you know. Good day, Kirk," He said coldly, anger evident in his voice.
I sighed and ran my hands through my hair. I got up from the chair and quickly left his office. The secretary said bye to me as I walked out, but I paid no attention to her. My eyes were starting to throb, and I could feel myself going short of breath. My breakdown was coming, and I didn't actually settle anything. The second I stepped outside, the tears slipped down my face. I quickly shoved my sunglasses back on and sprinted to my car. I hopped in quickly and laid my head on the steering wheel. The second my skin touched the plastic, the waterworks started.
This entire meeting had been a waste. I hadn't protected them, or anything even close. If anything, I exposed them all to more danger, because now Ken wasn't going to ask questions. And he was going to ask someone that wouldn't lie. I hit my head against the steering wheel repeatedly, sobbing all the while. I could've done so much more in there. I could've come up with good lies to why I wanted out, but instead I just sat there, trying desperately to keep from crying. I hadn't given him an actual reason why I wanted out, just said that I did. There was no way he was going to trade me now. I'd completely blown it. I hadn't protected them at all. I'd failed them. Kris was going to be traded, I could've stopped it, but I failed. He was going to be taken away from them. And just like the first time, this time was all my fault. I choked on a sob and lifted my head from the steering wheel. I pulled my sunglasses off and wiped my eyes on my shirt. I slid the key into the ignition and started the car. I just wanted to be home, buried under the covers. At least there I had Junior to cry on, and liquor to drown this from my mind, if only for a little while.
* * *
By the time I got home, I could barely breathe, and my vision had tinted pink from crying so much. Its amazing I didn't wind up wrapped around a telephone pole, one way or another. I was so scared I was shaking, which didn't make for straight driving. There was one person who could make me feel better in all of this, and he was part of the reason for the fear. I wanted to go to Kris, and collapse in his arms, and let him take my fear away. But I knew I'd just wind up sitting there and thinking how this could be the last time I ever to go hold him, and have a panic attack. That wouldn't do either of us any good. So I'd just have to turn to my old pal Captain Morgan for comfort.
I pulled my car into my usual parking space and killed the engine. I looked at myself in the mirror and sniffled. My eyes were so bloodshot, it looked like I was in severe need of sleep. Or crack, whatever the case may be. I wiped my eyes with my shirt, then stepped from the car. Sullenly, I shut the door behind me and trotted toward my door.
As I reached my door, I noticed it was open just a crack. I sighed and shook my head. Just what I needed today, to be robbed. I wiped my eyes again, and slowly pushed the door open. I stepped cautiously into the house, fists balled and ready to nail any unwanted visitors. I heard a noise from the bedroom, and tiptoed silently in that direction. Just as I neared the door, Julie walked out and bumped into me. I breathed a sigh of relief, and she jumped back in alarm. When she noticed it was me, she took a deep breath and shook her head. She walked past me into the living room, and I followed closely behind. She sat down in the recliner, and I sat across from her on the couch.
"Were you crying?" She asked, gauging me with her eyes.
I looked at her and smiled, trying my best to disguise any pain that may show on my face. "Just allergies," I said, sniffling. "They cut the grass yesterday, it's getting to me,"
She sighed and shook her head. That alone told me she didn't buy my excuse, and it was time to get out of the room before grilling began. I stood up from the couch and walked past her into the kitchen, just as she opened her mouth. Since she was here, there was no starting with the liquor. So I walked to the refrigerator and opened it up. I dug inside, searching for a bottle of V-8 Splash that I knew I had somewhere. I found it eventually, hidden behind a foil-covered plate of mystery. When I shut the door and turned to walk back to the living room, Julie was blocking my way.
"Where were you, Kirk?" She asked, staring me straight in the eye.
The look in her eyes froze me in place. My mind swarmed with possible lies, but they abandoned me before I could pick one. Her eyes probed my soul, and I'm sure she knew instantly where I'd been. I sat my juice on the counter then ran a hand through my hair. I looked at her, and took a deep breath.
"I was talking to Kenny," I replied in almost a whisper.
Before I had a chance to react, her hand flew up and cracked me across the cheek. I clutched at my face in shock. She stared at me and shook her head. For the first time since I'd known her, there was anger in her eyes.
"You bastard," She said angrily, shaking her head. "How could you?"
Hearing her talk like that, and seeing that look on her face (and may a little of the slap) caused the tears to well up in my eyes. I stared at her and tried to speak, but each time I could utter only a squeak. I became instantly frustrated with myself, making the tears fall quicker from my eyes. I had to tell her what I tried to do, I couldn't handle her being angry at me on top of everything else. I took a deep breath and tried to speak, but again only a squeak was made. I sighed angrily at myself and leaned back against the wall. I clenched my hands together, digging my nails into my palms. I took another breath and forced words from my mouth.
"I...was trying to protect you...and the kids," I whispered, sniffling at the finish of my statement.
"Protect us?" She asked in angry wonder. "Did you even think for a second when you did that?"
She maintained complete eye contact with me as she spoke. I wanted to look away, but my eyes were glued to hers. My body started to shake again, and I dug my nails into my palm in an attempt to stop it. It worked for the most part, but my jaw still quivered as I tried to speak.
"I...." I started.
"That was a real stupid thing, Malts," She snapped, shaking me with her words. "Yeah, it sounds smart, and caring, but it's not. You can try to protect us all you want by volunteering to take Kris' place, but it won't work. Because you'd be doing exactly what Sergei wants, taking you away from him," She stopped and wiped a tear from her cheek, leaving a line in make-up. "If he were traded for loving you, he'd be fine with that, it's more than worth it," She spoke, emotion cracking her voice. "But if you took the bullet for him, he couldn't live with himself. So by you trying to protect us, you'd be taking him away from us more than Sergei ever could,"
When she finished speaking, it was like her words kicked me right in the stomach. I slid down the wall and burst into tears. She was right, about everything. Not for even a second had I thought of how it could effect Kris. I was so caught up in doing what I thought was the right thing, I completely forgot about the one that mattered. It never crossed my mind that I could hurt Kris at the same time I was trying to protect him. I was so consumed by my stupid freaking issues about being with him, that I never realized that I could do something I never wanted to and hurt him. When I said I wasn't prepared, I never realized I was this bad.
I buried my head in my hands and tried to catch my breath. That was hugely ineffective, and the tears just gained in intensity. I felt Julie's arm slip around my neck, and I leaned into her. She ran her fingers through my hair and whispered how it was all okay. I couldn't speak in return, but I kept thinking to myself how very okay it was not. Now that it didn't happen, I could start thinking about what I would've done if Kenny had agreed to trade me. How would I have told Kris? How would he have reacted? Would that have been the end for us? Those were all questions I was suddenly glad I didn't know the answer to.
Even as my tears started to slow, my body continued to shake. The fear was still bubbling over in me. From the sounds of things in his office, Kenny wasn't going to trade me. But he'd said nothing about Kris, and that still scared me half to death. Now, realizing how close I'd come to hurting him, the fear of losing him was even stronger. The feeling of responsibility was still there, even though I knew now that I couldn't do anything. Like Kris had said yesterday, we just had to wait. We had to sit back, helpless, and wait for a possibly live changing situation to go down. If that didn't drive me insane in this situation, I can’t think of anything that could.
When my tears eventually stopped, I pulled away from Julie and leaned back against the wall. I wiped at my eyes and hissed at the pain that resonated from it. I couldn’t see myself, but I imagine my eyes were beat red and swollen. Julie looked at me sadly and ran her hand down my cheek. Pain shot from that too, and I cringed and pulled from reach. Her slap was obviously more lethal than I expected. She frowned and shook her head.
"I'm sorry I hit you," She said, wrapping her arms around her knees.
"Don't be, I deserved it," I muttered, sniffling.
"You did. But I still shouldn't have done it,"
"I just..."
I couldn't find the words. I was so angry with myself for not stopping and analyzing every point before I acted, I couldn't think of any way to defend my actions. I sighed and leaned against the cupboard. Julie slid across the tile and laid her head on my shoulder.
"It'll be okay, Kirk. We'll get through this," She said softly, patting my knee.
"I know," I sighed, leaning my head against hers. "It's just getting to that point that's going to kill me,"
"I know," She whispered. "I know,"
With the end of her statement, silence fell over us once again. But, sitting with her like that made it a very comforting silence. After everything that had transpired today, it was good to know words weren't needed right now. I was having trouble forming a coherent thought as it was. My mind was overrun with emotion. I was so angry with myself for what I'd almost done. If it had worked, and I'd hurt him like that, I'm not sure I'd be able to live with myself. But somewhere in the back of my mind, a part of me okayed my actions. I'd acted out of fear, coupled with guilt. I was so scared of losing him. And I was so scared of him being pulled away from his family, because of me. So out of guilt, I tried something that I thought would fix it all, without realizing it would be doing more harm than good. Of course, I didn’t realize that until it smacked me across the face, literally. It's a good thing in this case that I'm not a better liar.
I'm an emotional guy, so I can't say I'm too surprised that I did what I did. I'm just glad now that it didn’t work. If it had....Well, I don't want to think any more about what I'd have done if my plan had worked. My heart ached as it was, that just caused me more undue pain. As much as I hated it, there was nothing I could do but wait. But if I had to do that, at least I got to wait with Kris. And as scared as I was about everything, just being with him would make everything okay. It was my plan now to make the most of the time we had, because there was no telling when we could be pulled apart. And if that happened, I wanted him to have enough love to last a while. And of course, I'd have to stock up on it myself. Julie was right (like always); it will be okay. I don't know how I know that now, I just do. It wouldn't be the most convenient relationship in the world, not like it ever was, but it would work out. There was still the off season, and the all-star break, and Christmas. And hey, there were always road games. Yeah, I think everything will be okay. But that still doesn't mean I won't be wishing on every star I see for it not to happen. We'd be okay apart. But we'd be better together.
TBC
© 2002 Triple X
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