Rating: R
Original Date of Completion: June 2002
Disclaimer: I own nothing. This is fiction from my demented little mind, so don't sue me.
*********************
All alone on a Sunday morning
Outside I see the rain is falling
Inside I'm slowly dying
But the rain will hide my crying, crying, crying
And you
Don't you know my tears will burn the pillow
Set this place on fire
'Cause I'm tired of your lies
All I needed was a simple "Hello"
But the traffic was so noisy that you could not hear my cry
(I) I gave you my love in vain
My body never knew such pleasure,
My heart never knew such pain
(And you) You leave me so confused
Now I'm all cried out, over you.
Lisa Lisa & The Cult Jam "All Cried Out"
Used Without Permission
"Pour quand l'amour est vrai, il ne brisera pas votre coeur." For when love is true, it will not break your heart. The words of my grandmother rang loudly in my ears. They'd been doing that for what seemed like an eternity. Ever since I'd heard his announcement. His announcement that ripped my heart from my chest, and made me want to stop living.
"I am here to announce my retirement from hockey."
His words haunted me. He'd done it, even after he'd promised me he would't. He looked me straight in the eye and told me he was staying. "I love you Matty, I could never leave you." It killed me that those were lies. The entire world found out he was leaving before I did. I had to read it in an email. The second I finished reading, my world shattered. I collapsed to the floor and sobbed for hours. The phone rang incessantly, friends calling to make sure I was all right. I was far from all right. I was in Hell. My own personal hell. A place where everything I'd had with Dominik was a sham. A place where my fears all came true; I wasn't good enough to be loved.
It was dark outside before I even moved from where I lay. I stumbled around my house, partially blind from all the tears I'd shed. I squinted at the answering machine and saw the number 20 illuminated in bright green. I sighed and walked past into my kitchen. I tore open my refrigerator and dug around until I found what I was looking for, a bottle of Southern Comfort. I quickly opened the bottle and dropped the top on the floor. I wouldn't need it, because there'd be nothing left when I was done. I guzzled down a large drink, and stumbled back toward the living room. I plopped down onto the couch and pressed play on the answering machine.
Message after message played, but I didn't really listen to any of them. Their hearts were in the right places, but my friends really had no clue what I was going through. My heart had been torn from my chest. Again, for the second time in my short life. I slam another drink of the Southern Comfort as I feel the tears beginning to well up. I'd trusted Dominik. I'd given him all of me. My mind, my heart, my soul. My body. Less than two weeks ago we'd made love for the first time. The only time. And now he was leaving me. Yet another man who got what he wanted, and left. I take another swallow from the bottle, shoving the tears back again. I reach over to delete all the messages, when I hear his voice.
"Mathieu, pick up. It's me," His Czech accent, something that usually makes me melt, really makes me sick this time around. He was going back there, away from me. He pauses before speaking again. "Mathieu, please. I need to talk to you, I need to explain to you why I did what I did. Please, just call me,"
Tears of frustration are streaming down my face by the time the answering machine beeps onto the next message. I reach over and fumble with the machine, in an attempt to delete all messages. That fails, and I wind up playing his message again. Incensed with hurt, anger and Southern Comfort, I jump up from the couch and violently rip the answering machine from the table. I chuck it across the room, slamming it into a bookshelf, then drop back down to the floor. The tears achieve their victory, and I reach over and grab the bottle. I chug the remainder of its contents, wincing at the burning feeling in my throat. I drop the bottle beside me and struggle to get to my feet. With the assistance of the couch, I get to my feet, and slowly walk into the kitchen, clinging to the walls for support.
I pull open the refrigerator door and search around for more booze. I slam the door when my hunches are confirmed, I'm dry. I stumble from the velocity in which I slammed the door, and catch myself on the counter. It's then that I notice my car keys. I snatch them up from the counter and slowly make my way toward the front door. My conscience tells me I shouldn't drive as I make my way to my car. But I'm prepared to drown Dominik from my mind, and the only way to do that is to go buy more booze. And if I die on the way, not a big deal. No one loves me enough to care anyway.
* * *
I couldn't even tell you how I got here. But I sat now in his driveway. Or at least, his driveway for a few more weeks. My car was still running, and I listened to only the windshield wipers as they pushed away the rain, giving me brief glimpses of his house. I could see him inside, sitting in the living room next to his wife. His wife. The one he said he didn't love. "I don't love Alena, you are my love." Steaming tears roll down my face as I relive his words. He lied to me. He lied to me the entire time. Before I even know what I'm doing, I'm opening the car door and stepping out into the rain.
The rain, coupled with my buzz, makes it difficult to see. Somehow I''m able to stumble to his porch, where I cling to the handrail. I can still see him sitting in his living room, completely oblivious that I'm standing on his porch. I see Dominika run into the room, and for a brief second, I think about turning around, going home to drown my problems away. But then I see Alena lean down and kiss him, and my world goes black with rage. I beat violently on the door, shouting things I myself can't even understand. It's when he opens the door and his eyes lock with mine that my world comes back into focus.
"Matty? What are you doing here?" He asks, shutting the door behind him and stepping out into the rain.
"You son-of-a-bitch!" I cry, shoving him. "How could you do this to me?"
He steps back from me, and stares. The rain cascades down his face, making it impossible to read his eyes. My face has gone numb, partly from the tears, and partly from the rainwater beating down on me. My body shakes with tears. He steps forward and tries to put his hand on my shoulder. I bat his hand away and step back from him.
"Why?" I scream. "Why would you do this to me? You make me love you and then you leave!"
"Mathieu, please," He speaks calmly, stepping toward me again.
"No!" I rage, shoving him away from me. "Give me an answer! Why would you do this to me? Why would you lie about loving me?"
Instantly, he rushes me and grips onto my arms. I squeam in his grasp, but the alcohol has zapped any strength I have. I struggle futilely, refusing to look at him.
"Look at me!" He screams, rocking my eardrums. Reluctantly, I bring my eyes to his. "I do love you! More than you'll ever know! But I have to go! For my kids! It's not about anything else! Not about you, me, Alena, none of it! It's all about them!"
"You promised," I squeak through my tears, looking away from him again.
"I'm sorry Matty. I really thought I could stay, but I can't. I wish you'd understand,"
His words instantly refill my rage. I break from his grip and shove him back with all the force I can muster, sending both of us stumbling backward. I land with a squish onto the grass, and I hear him hiss as he lands hard against the porch. The tears have ravaged my body so hard, I can barely find the strength to get to my feet. Somehow I manage, and stumble over toward him.
"Understand?" I wail, staring at him as he gets to his feet with help from the hand rail. "I'll never understand this! You LIED to me Dominik! You looked me straight in the eye and told me you were staying, then didn't even have the guts to tell me yourself that you were leaving!"
"Mathieu..." He starts, stepping toward me.
"Don't touch me," I state, the calmness in my voice amazing myself. "You promised me you'd never hurt me, and that was a lie. You promised me you'd stay, and that was a lie. So as far as I'm concerned, you ever loving me was a lie. Good-bye Dominik, thank you for the Cup,"
I turn to walk away, and immediately hear his footsteps squishing after me in the drowned grass. As I reach my car, I feel his hand on my shoulder. I turn around and stare at his disheveled form. Hair clings to his forehead, dripping water into his eyes. His clothes are covered in mud, much like my own. He clutches his left hand to his chest, and I see a dark spot form on the drenched white fabric of his shirt. My stomach turns at the realization that that is because of me. More than anything in my life, I want to collapse into his arms right now and tell him to hold me. But I can't allow myself to do it. The alcohol has worn off, and I'm left with a simple thought. I have to be strong, or I'm not going to survive. I stare at Dominik, blank and emotionless.
"Mathieu, please," He cries, placing his hand on my cheek. "You must know this isn't what I wanted. And more than anything, you must know that I love you,"
My heart aches at his words. The simple touch is almost enough to melt my strength away. I jam my eyes shut and fight back the tears. I sigh, and softly push his hand away.
"I'm sorry Dominik, but for my own sake, I can't believe you. I loved you, and you didn't love me. That's what I have to believe, I can't hurt over you anymore,"
I don't give him a chance to reply. I open my car door and slide into my seat. I slam the door behind me and fire up the engine. He never moves as I back out of his driveway, never to see him again. I can't even glance at him as I pull away. Because I know that one simple look could break me down. And that can't happen, I have to be strong, for my own survival. I lied when I said I couldn't hurt over him anymore. I don't think I'd ever stop hurting. It would always be there, a dull pain chewing away at my heart. But that's all it would be. I'm all cried out.
THE END
© 2002 Triple X
